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A RECAP OF THRONES: SEASON SEVEN RECAP

A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven Recap

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

It’s that time again. The birds are chirping in the mornings, the days are starting to get longer, and HBO starts to release episodes of Game of Thrones for our viewing pleasure. Every year we blink, the season ends, and we are left wondering, “WHY DID THAT CHARACTER I LOVE HAVE TO DIE?” and “WHY DO I WATCH THIS SHOW?” So what better way to make the Game of Thrones season last a bit longer, than to relive the episodes the day after they air? Remember this is the LAST SEASON.

Check back in Sundays for the first recap of season seven, episode one, but first let’s start with a quick recap of season seven. It will be a good reminder of where all of our favorite and least favorite characters have ended up.

Let’s recap:

First off, RIP to all those we lost last season:

  • Obra Sand (meh)
  • Nymeria Sand (double meh)
  • Tyene Sand (triple meh)
  • Ellaria Sand (good)
  • Olenna Tyrell (FIERCEST DEATH)
  • Randyll Tarly (Dragon fire)
  • Dickon Tarly (your name is DICKON?! – also dragon fire)
  • All those Lannister Soldiers (more dragon fire)
  • Benjen Stark
  • Viserion (now undead Viserion)
  • Little Finger (Sometimes when I try to understand a person’s motives….I like to play a little game)

Things to remember from season 7:

We left season seven with Cersei saying she was down with an alliance after seeing a white walker and then noping out of that alliance ASAP. Cersei is pregnant with her brother’s baby. Cersei also might have more dragon catapult arrow throwers.

Theon punches a Greyjoy man to death and convinces the rest of the lot to go save Yara.

The Red Woman leaves for Essos, but not before telling Varys that she will be back and they will both die in Westeros.

Bran is Three Eyed Bran (3EB) and is still a weird little shit. He just is biding his time waiting to tell Jon of his true heritage. Sam is back with Bran and knows about the whole thing too so now we just wait for them to tell him that he just fucked his Aunt on a boat.

Sansa and Arya killed Littlefinger and it was glorious.

When Jon is beyond the wall they kill the main white walker of a group and somehow it kills all the other ones. So that’s helpful information to remember. Also remember that burning white walkers and stabbing them with dragonglass is the only way to kill them. Also Viserion is a white walker dragon and he burned down the wall.

Now we are all caught up. The Winds of Winter is still not out yet, George RR Martin thinks this shouldn’t be the last season of GoT but who gives a shit what he thinks? If he wanted an opinion he could have written faster.

We are starting Season 8 almost two years after Season 7 aired. We only get six episodes and then it’s over forever. Or you can continue when the Winds of Winter comes out in 5-10 years.  

Review of Thrones will be back Sunday night after GoT airs so check out CinemAbysmal for your every Sunday night just a few hours after the episode premiers. Don’t forget to grab your parent’s HBO password and join the world in prayer to the Seven that HBO GO doesn’t crash like it always does.

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A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E07: THE DRAGON AND THE WOLF

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E07: THE DRAGON AND THE WOLF

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A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Seven: The Dragon and The Wolf

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

Thanks for waiting a day for this recap and reading it anyway! What a SEASON. See ya next year.

While the world spent the weekend engrossed in two men fighting in a ring and the Game of Thrones season finale, I was camping in a smoky wood covered in ash with no cell service, contemplating why I chose this weekend of all weekends to be without internet. Nevertheless, I made it back to civilization today and the first thing I did was sit down and watch this hour and half long episode of Game of Thrones. Apologies for the lateness, but let’s get into this.

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Let’s start at Winterfell where the majority of my anxiety was this season. I so desperately wanted to believe that Sansa and Arya were playing this game together, but years of thinking characters were smarter than they are has only led me to disappointment so I kept my expectations low with this one and was fully ready for Sansa to possibly somehow get murdered (let’s be honest, no one is killing Arya). When Sansa brought Arya into the hall surrounded by guards and read chargers out loud I was hoping the charges were for Littlefinger, but I was keeping the option open of Arya just killing her sister at this point. I was very excited that the writers chose to actually give Sansa some brains this time around and indeed charge Littlefinger with treason and murder. Arya takes Littlefinger’s knife and slashes his throat, much to the approval of everyone in the room and at home on the couch. Now the sister’s wait for Jon to arrive with Dany.

At King’s Landing, every main character besides Arya and Sansa meet at the old Dragon pits. The Hound confronts his brother, The Mountain, and essentially let’s him know that he is eventually looking forward to killing him. No Cleganebowl yet guys. Soon.

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Dany shows up on her dragon, which doesn’t seem to phase Cersei at all (love that bitch sometimes), and she seems utterly bored by the entire ordeal until they throw a white walker in her face. Then she’s like, ‘oh my unborn incest child might be in trouble!’, really solidifying the fact that she is an insanely selfish and terrible leader. Euron Greyjoy nopes out the second he sees the white walker, taking his fleet with him, and Cersei agrees to help fight the dead only if Jon refuses to bend the knee to Dany. Jon makes the best decision he can in regards to which decision will get him laid. He tells Cersei he can’t serve two queens and she gets up without making a deal and walks away.

Tyrion goes to right Jon’s mess, facing Cersei alone. They talk and she eventually agrees to help them fight the dead. Oh how simple and lovely! Like anyone believed that for a second at home on the couch, while everyone on screen believed it like Cersei is the most selfless person ever. Jamie prepares the Lannister army, but Cersei interrupts and tells him not to. She is going to keep everyone here and let Dany take care of the dead. She says that she has the Iron Bank behind her and the Golden Company will join them. Euron didn’t actually take off due to fright, he went to go pick up the army. Love that Cersei always has a plan, even when it’s insane. Jamie thinks she’s really lost her mind now (wow, finally), and goes to leave. Cersei threatens the Mountain on him, but Jamie knows she could never kill him. He makes it out of King’s Landing presumably to meet up with Brienne and the gang.

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Sam shows up in Winterfell to talk to Jon, but instead gets Bran. Good old Sam is all smiles and kindness even when faced with the insanity that is now 3EB. Bran tells Sam that Jon is actually the bastard son of Lyanna Stark and Dany’s brother, Rhaegar Targaryen. Sam is says that actually he’s the legit son because he remembers everything, including last episode when Gilly was talking mad boring shit about Rhaegar’s annulment so he could marry Lyanna. Thanks for spelling out out nice and neat in case there was any doubt, writers. Also his real name is Aegon Targaryen.

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Bran dubs him the true heir to the Iron Throne, and I’d normally be concerned about how Dany is going to take that, but she is taking him, I mean it, juuuuuussssstttt fine as the two get it the fuck on, while Tyrion strangely observes the entire thing from behind a door. Also, let’s take a moment to reflect on Kit Harrington’s amazing butt. Dany says she can’t get pregnant, but I bet Jon’s sperm will have something to say about that. So if Cersei is pregnant and Dany is pregnant does that mean we will have two baby’s born of incest in the near future? How is one good and the other is bad? The excuse of “this is just how the Targaryens do it” isn’t going to keep being a valid thing people say.

Insert some stuff about Theon beating a man to death to get the men loyal to Yara to go save her:

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The episode ends at the Wall, where Tormund is keeping watch (hope he’s okay!) as the Army of the Dead finally makes it to the edge. The ice dragon shows up, and the Night King rides him along the wall, having the dragon shoot blue flames at the wall of ice, breaking it down completely. The episode ends with the wall crumbling and the army walking past it. Shti is going down for the final season of Game of Thrones, out sometime next year.

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Hope you’ll join me then!

In the meantime, check Cinemabysmal Radio’s THREE podcasts, and check back on the site regularly for awesome movie and tv reviews.

Best quotes this week:

  • Sansa: When the snows fall and the white winds blow the lone wolf ies, but the pack survives.
  • Bran: Jon is Aegon targaryen. The rightful heir of the Iron Throne.
  • Brienne: Fuck honor and oaths.

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E06: BEYOND THE WALL

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E06: BEYOND THE WALL

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A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Six: Beyond the Wall

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

Next week’s Recap episode will be a day late! Look for it next Monday night. In a way that’s good though? Makes us a day closer to season eight!

Arya and Sansa are fighting again. Instead of…I don’t know…talking to each other? Littlefinger has it all worked out and manipulates Arya into a fight with Sansa over her loyalty to her family. Sansa consults in Littlefinger who suggests that Sansa involve Brienne who swore loyalty to Catelyn Stark to protect her daughters…even from each other. Instead, Sansa sends Brienne to King’s Landing in her stead. Apparently Cersei invited Sansa down to ‘talk’ and she makes Brienne go instead. Not sure how any of this helps Sansa….or Arya….or Littlefinger. Even Brienne looks confused AF and I don’t believe for a second that Cersei would invite Sansa anywhere because she would bore Cersei to death. So something is up.

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Sansa goes snooping in Arya’s room and finds her dead people masks. Arya essentially threatens her. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? The character development for Arya here doesn’t make sense. Either Sansa and Arya are actually in alliance (although the evidence against this is becoming overwhelming) or all that training Arya did doesn’t make her see she is falling into Littlefinger’s trap. And Sansa has become this crazy power hungry nightmare? I hate them both right now. The other option is that Arya has already killed Littlefinger and is pretending to be him. Which would be kind of insane.

Tyrion tries to consult Dany, but he goes about it in entirely the wrong way. The conversations starts civilly discussing how to meet with Cersei if she accepts the invitation. Tyrion teases Dany about her obvious boner for Jon. Then he brings up the idea of her successor to the throne if Dany dies. WHY TYRION. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SMARTER THAN THIS. First this dip shit plan with Cersei and trusting Jaime and now THIS. Come on dude. Dany leaves the meeting unhappy with her Hand and the audience leaves it unhappy with him as well.

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North of the wall, hilarious conversation ensues with The Hound and Tormund discussing Brienne. Tormund talks about the strong children they’re going to have together and The Hound remembers fighting her. Gendry is cold and whiny and The Hound makes fun of him for it. Jon and Jorah discuss the sword Jorah’s father gave Jon. Jon tries to give it back, but Jorah lets him have it. Through the snow, they see two blue eyes and it turns out to be a giant white walker polar bear. They kill it with fire, but not before The Hound is horrified (mostly by the fire) and a few no name people with them die from it.

They happen upon a small group of White Walkers and manage to kill all but one. They trap it but not before being overrun by a huge group of White Walkers. They kill the main white walker and somehow it kills all the other ones. So that’s helpful information to know. They make it to the middle of a lake that the Walkers don’t’ want to cross because it’s half frozen. Gendry makes it away to the Wall to send a raven to Dany for help. Tyrion advises that it’s too risky, but Dany wants some of that hot Jon Snow ass and refuses to let him die. Eventually a battle ensues and just when things start to look bad, Dany shows up with her Dragons.

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The main White Walker, The Night King, takes one of his ice spears and kills one of the dragons, as it falls into the icy lake. Dany is horrified and manages to get everyone out alive except Jon. Beric, The Hound, and Jorah take their White Walker prisoner and get on the Dragon with Dany as she exits with her two remaining dragons. Jon is left behind and it looks like he’s going to die when his Uncle Benjen shows up and distracts the Walkers, giving Jon his horse to ride back to the wall (again, weird, but it’s such a strange plot point I’m gonna gloss over it). Dany watches him arrive with a full on lady boner.

Later, Jon awakes and Dany is hanging out lookin’ at him naked (essentially). She sees his death scars from the stabbings he took. Jon calls her ‘Dany’ and she doesn’t like that (too bad Imma keep doing it, maybe you should try having an easier name to spell). Jon says, ‘How about ‘My Queen’ then?” And she splooshes everywhere. They hold hands for a bit, very risque, and essentially solidify their ever growing love.

Oh, and remember that dead polar bear? Remember how animals can become White Walkers? REMEMBER. The last scene we are left with is the Night King, dragging the dragon’s body out of the frozen lake and, you guessed it, now we have A DRAGON WHITE WALKER WHAT. So….does it breathe ice? This is A Song of Ice and Fire guys!

Best quotes this week:

  • Gendry: How do you keep your balls from freezing off?

Tormund: You gotta keep moving. That’s the secret. Walkin’s good, fighting’s better, fucking’s best.

  • Dany: Jon Snow’s not in love with me

Tyrion: Oh, my mistake. I suppose he stares at you longingly because he’s hopeful for a successful military alliance.

  • Beric: We’ll meet again Clegane.

Hound: I fucking hope not.

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E05: EASTWATCH

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E05: EASTWATCH

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A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Five: Eastwatch

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

Okay first off, don’t name an episode Eastwatch, tell us a great battle is going to take place there via the flames The Hound sees, and then not give us a big battle at Eastwatch. Also, let’s assume that this episode takes place over several months because holy shit there is a lot of time traveling of characters here.

Jaime and Bron survive the dragon attack, yippie. Jamie heads back to King’s Landing and he wants to convince Cersei to surrender after realizing that Daenerys has THREE dragons and he just saw the damage one could do. He heads back to King’s Landing to tell Cersei that they can’t win, but she’s in so over her head at this point giving up would actually be the crazy thing to do. The best bit of this scene is Jaime telling Cersei that Olenna killed Joffrey. The classic stone cold bitch face Cersei gave was epic.

At the remnants of the battle, Lannister men are left to bend the knee or be killed. Sam Tarly’s father and his brother refuse, so Dany burns them alive. Quickly, the rest bend the knee. Tyrion and Varys aren’t sure that was the right move on her part, but I think it was and I agree with it. Sam’s dad is a dick anyway, and now Sam’s officially Lord of The Reach so that worked out.

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Back in Old Town, Slughorn doesn’t want to tell Sam that his brother and Dad are dead, and Sam bounces out of Old Town with Gilly and little Sam and fuck ton of stolen books about White Walkers before he can. Sam is tired of the Maesters not listening to him about the Army of the Dead dangers so he peaces out. Also, he seems to not be able to stand another conversation with Gilly, who has learned to read, and is full of nonsense facts. Oh, except for the fact that she finds out that Rhaegar and Lyanna’s marriage was in fact legal because Rhaegar was granted an annulment to his previous marriage from a maester. Kind of a big deal. PAY ATTENTION SAM.

Bran (3EB) takes over the body of a raven to fly beyond Eastwatch. He see’s the army of the dead. Spoiler: it’s a lot of people. The only thing that’s going to kill them at this point is lots of dragon fire. Lots of it. 3EB has Sansa send a message to Jon about what he has seen.

Dany flies back to Dragonstone, landing in front of Jon hoping to impress him with her dragon. Amazingly, Drogon (who by the way has survived the spear in the side) lets Jon touch him. It’s that Targaryen blood baby! Dany is more than a little turned on.

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They go inside and Jon gets Sansa’s letter (he takes a moment to be happy that Arya is alive, yay!). Jon says he has to leave and fight the White Walkers. Dany is reluctant to lend help because the second she heads North, Cersei will take the country over. Tyrion thinks that if they can bring back one soldier from the Army of the Dead, then she will create some sort of truce to let Dany fight them and maybe surrender in turn? I’m sorry, have you met Cersei? That bitch isn’t surrendering to ANYONE. She would rather watch an Army of the Dead burn the entire world down than do that. Come on you guys. This is kind of a worthless mission. Tyrion says that the only person Cersei listens to is Jaime and if he can get Jaime to convince Cersei to agree to have them bring a White Walker in, all their problems will be solved. Right. Okay.

In more bad news at Winterfell, Arya thinks she is being sneaky and tailing Petyr. She finds a scroll he has hidden and it looks like it’s from Sansa to Robb. The letter that Cersei forced her to write telling Robb to bend the knee a long ass time ago. Not sure what Arya makes of this information, but she’s onto Littlefinger. Oh except Littlefinger is playing her like a fucking fiddle. He planted the evidence and watches her find it. He is trying to create a rift between the sisters and my anxiety about this is HIGH. SUPER HIGH. Arya already confronted Sansa earlier saying that she sees Sansa is hoping Jon won’t come back and that she will get to stay Lady of Winterfell. THIS IS NOT GOOD.

Davos takes Tyrion to King’s Landing (everyone is traveling A LOT right now, VERY quickly so just ignore that otherwise the entire thing will drive you crazy). Tyrion gets Bronn to set up a meeting in the Catacombs with Jaime while Tyrion tells him his plan. Tyrion tells Jaime that Dany will win the war, but she’s willing to suspend hostilities if Cersei will let them bring a dead/alive zombie thing to her. WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? Jaime goes up to tell Cersei about the meeting but she already knows about it (oh snap). Jaime tells Cersei about the dead men and the armistice, but Cersei just laughs and tells Jaime that she’s pregnant with his baby so now they need to fight for the baby. Jaime for some reason is charmed by this and seems to concede with Cersei who says that he better never betray her again. Davos goes to find good old Gentry Water’s, Robert Baratheon’s bastard son who he last saw rowing away after he helped him escape the Red Woman. Gendry’s weapon of choice is a giant hammer and he kills two Lannisters on the way out of town with Davos and Tyrion in tow.

At Dragonstone, Jorah shows up and is super friendzoned again. Once he sees his new competition in Jon he sadly gives up once more. Dany doesn’t want Jon to go, but doesn’t say it out loud. It’s just super obvious. Even Tyrion sees it. Jon kind of is into it but he’s too busy brooding about White Walkers so he takes off with Jorah, Davos, and Gendry to Eastwatch.They are going to kidnap a White Walker to convince Cersei (good luck with that!) to stop fighting for a bit while they save Westeros from an Army of the Dead. Jon and Gendry meet and bromance it up, thrilled to meet each other since they knew each other’s father’s. Gendry essentially is like, “Hey bro we’re both bastards, our dads are both dead, let’s be best friends and kill some White Walkers”. At Eastwatch, Jon, Thoros, Bedric, The Hound, Tormund, Gendry, Davos and Jorah all go beyond the wall to get themselves a zombie. It’s a pretty impressive group actually and they might just have a shot.

Best quotes this week:

  • Davos: Bad things are coming

Gendry: You came to get me. You want me to come with you

Davos: Well, the thing you need to understand is…..

Gendry: I’m ready, let’s go

  • Jon: If I don’t return at least you won’t have to deal with the King of the North anymore

Dany: I’ve grown used to him

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E04: THE SPOILS OF WAR

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E04: THE SPOILS OF WAR

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A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Four: The Spoils of War

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

Ummm…holy shit. Let’s get started because we have a lot to cover.

Cersei is talking with Tycho, the head of the Iron Bank, about her debt being paid ASAP. She says Jaime is gonna bring it soon and Tycho is a little sad because she no longer will owe anything to them. Cersei still needs a bigger army and weapons so Tycho tells her he can help her with an outside investment. Cersei mentions that Qyburn has made overtures to the Golden Company, a group of sellswords, in Essos. Essentially Cersei wants to hire the sellswords to help expand her military and take back certain regions, and Tycho pledges the Bank’s full support….as soon as he gets his money.

Petyr gives Three Eyed Bran the dagger that was almost used to assassinate him in season one after he saw Jaime and Cersei getting it on. Bran doesn’t really give a fuck about any of that shit though and as Petyr leaves, Meera enters. After her brother dies for him, and she drags his ass all over the seven fucking kingdoms and beyond she says she should probably go home now. Bran is like….yeah you do that. Meera is understandably a little pissed, but in a way understands. Bran died in that cave beyond the wall, and now he’s three eyed Bran. He’s seen so much shit that he can barely remember who he is. He is essentially 3EB, which is also the way the band Third Eye Blind like to spell their name sometimes so that’s kind of weird, but I’m gonna go with it from now on when we refer to Bran….I mean 3EB.

Arya shows up and it seems as if she will never get past the gates….SOMETHING will go wrong, but she makes her way down to the crypts after she tells some guards to tell Sansa she’s here. Sansa knows where to find her and they reunited amongst the bones of their dead father. It’s heartwarming, but also strange. Three of the Starks are back at Winterfell, together, and it should be a happy moment, but instead it feels off. They’ve all been through so much collectively that they aren’t the same people anymore. Even Jon has come back from the fucking dead. Sansa tells Arya that Bran is back, but he’s weird AF so watch out. Arya and Sansa meet with 3EB by the weirwood. 3EB gives Arya his valyrian steel dagger that once tried to kill him (nice, it can be used to kill white walkers!) and they have a weird conversation. Later, Arya spars with Brienne and is a formidable opponent. It’s pretty amazing. Sansa watches from afar, pretty disturbed that her sister is a killing machine and her brother is a fucking know it all zombie essentially. Petyr looks on wondering I’m sure how he can use Sansa’s unease to his advantage.

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Jon asks Daenerys to follow him into the cave full of valyrian steel and she looks as if she’s hoping he’ll show her his dick. No luck though as Jon shows her petroglyph’s in the cave depicting the first men (humans) and the children of the forest (those creepy creatures/children north of the wall also the first beings ever apparently) fighting together against the White Walkers. Jon’s like, “You want evidence that you need to help me, bitch? Well here it is!” Dany says she will help Jon fight them if he bends the knee. Omg Dany you’re all going to die, just let it go and help! Jon seems convinced though that it’s worth bending the knee if he can save his people. Prediction! Jon bends, the people are pissed, and this is how Littlefinger turns Jon’s men against him. Then of course Dany fights back with dragons and they all give up and kill Littlefinger (in my dreams).

When they emerge out of the ‘I wish we had had sex in there’ cave, Tyrion is around with more bad news about how his plan did not work. Dany is ready to go with her dragons and burn the Red Keep to the ground. She asks Jon what he thinks she should do, and he says that’s not the way and she kind of agrees. Maybe that’s not the right location she needs to strike.

Davos asks Jon what he thinks of Dany. Jon says she has a good heart, and Davos says he didn’t realize he was checking out her heart. Bow Chicka Wow Wow. It’s so happening. As they’re talking they see a Greyjoy ship approaching and they go down to the beach and Jon watching in disbelief as Theon disembarks the boat. Remember that Theon killed all his childhood friends at Winterfell when he took it, then he burned two innocent children making Jon think it was his brothers, and he essentially betrayed him. THEN of course, he also helped Sansa escape Ramsey’s clutches so Jon tells him that’s the only reason he’s not beating the shit out of him right now. Theon says he came to ask Dany to save his sister, and Jon says she’s not there. So where is she?

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Now it’s time for an epic unexpected battle…INVOLVING DRAGONS. It’s a weird battle though because for the first time since Blackwater Bay we have people we like (Bronn and Jaime) fighting against people we like (Dany, Dragons and Tyrion). Jaime is marching back with his men from conquering Highgarden. Bron still wants his castle and for some reason Jaime is being a dick about it. Unfortunately, the gold has gone ahead of them to King’s Landing and has arrived safely. Most of the army is gone, but Jaime and Bron are with the stragglers when they suddenly hear a fuck ton of hooves. They form the line like a normal battle as they see the Dothraki approach in great numbers. Where have these Dothraki been? Not to be a spoilsport, but Dragonstone is pretty small and I haven’t seen thousands of horses and Dothraki just roaming around.

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Anyway, Bronn is a bit worried, but he thinks they can take the Dothraki….until Dany shows up riding a dragon and Drokaris’ the shit out of them. Things are looking pretty smoky for the Lannister’s until Bron goes to find the Dragon slaying crossbow that miraculously has managed to not burn in a wagon. He points it at the sky and shoots the dragon in the chest. The dragon turns around and burns the crossbow to the ground, but has to land because its injured. Dany climbs off of it to take the arrow out of it and Jaime sees her vulnerable on the ground. Tyrion sees Jamie and tells him to ‘flee you idiot. You fucking idiot’ under his breath. He rides toward Dany instead with a spear ready to go. At the last moment, the dragon sees him and shoots fire at him, but someone (Bron?) pushes him off his horse and out of the way at the last moment. They fall into a small lake and the episode ends as we see Jaime sink to the bottom.

Is the dragon okay? Is Jaime okay? Is Bron okay? Will Dany kill the rest of the Lannisters? Will Tyrion vouch for his brother? Can they all just agree that Cersei is a cunt and get along? Most importantly, is the dragon okay?

Best quotes this week:

  • Sansa: You shouldn’t have run from the guards

Arya: I didn’t run, you need better guards.

  • Davos: What do you think of her [referring to Daenerys]

Jon: I think she has a good heart

Davos: A good heart? I’ve noticed you staring at her good heart

  • Brienne: You can’t use that my lady it’s too small

Arya: Don’t worry I won’t hurt you

Brienne: I’ll try not to

  • Jaime: Rickon.

Dickon: Dickon.

Bronn: *Laughs hysterically*

  • Bronn: Men shit themselves when they die. Didn’t they teach you that at fancy lad school?

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E03: THE QUEEN’S JUSTICE

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E03: THE QUEEN’S JUSTICE

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A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Three: The Queen’s Justice

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

When I first saw that this week’s episode was called The Queen’s Justice, I assumed that meant Daenerys’ justice. Turns out it’s Cersei’s justice, and this show can still pack some surprises.

When Daenerys and Tyrion came up with the idea of sending troops to Casterly Rock and to King’s Landing it seemed brilliant. Starve out Cersei, and destroy her home. Turns out Yara’s ships were burned, with her and Ellaria Sand and her daughter taken captive before they could reach King’s Landing. Then it turns out that the Lannister’s LET Daenerys take Casterly Rock, for now, and sent most of their troops to destroy Highgarden.

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That’s a good fucking move on the Lannister’s part. Grey Worm is stuck at Casterly Rock after the Lannister’s let him take it, but they burn all of their ships so they’re stuck. After Jaime takes Highgarden he offers Olenna some poison. After figuring out that the poison will be painless she downs that shit immediately like bad ass bitch, then tells Jaime she killed Joffrey. Fucking SAVAGE AF. In a way she gave Jaime a gift though. Jaime always felt that Tyrion didn’t kill Joffrey but he was never 100% sure. Now he knows that he let an innocent man live. There’s something to that.

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Jon Snow shows up with Davos and is like ‘hey magical mythical ice kings are coming to kill us all’ and surprisingly Daenerys doesn’t take him that seriously. They do a lot of eye fucking though and I’m confirming my prediction now that this Aunt will marry her Nephew. So what? All the Targaryen’s inbreed. Totally normal for them. In the end, Tyrion convinces Daenarys to let Jon mine dragonglass and make weapons from it. She’s gonna keep looking south (for now).

The Red Woman and Varys exchange words. Varys finds it interesting that she summoned Jon to Dragonstone, but then didn’t stay to greet him. The Red Woman doesn’t really care and leaves for Essos while telling Varys that she will be back. Apparently she has to die in Westeros and he will too. Varys doesn’t like that, but I think we are all glad to see the Red Woman go. I’m sure she’ll pop up again when we least expect her to.

Theon is saved by one of the few ships that escaped Euron. They aren’t happy that he is alive and Yara is gone and probably dead. Cersei promises to marry Euron because he brought her the gift of the woman who killed her daughter. Yara is alive and a captive of Euron’s while Cersei takes Ellaria and her daughter down to the dungeons. She kisses the daughter with the same poison Ellaria used on Myrcella. Cersei takes the antidote and tells Ellaria she can now watch her own daughter die. She’s going to make Ellaria stay down there forever with her daughter’s corpse. That’s some justice right there. I don’t agree with Cersei’s decisions on almost anything, but this shit was good. Myrcella was an innocent…and Ellaria was the worst. I approve.

The Iron bank stops by to collect its debt from the Lannisters. Cersei asks that the head of the Iron Bank stay as her guest and in a fortnight she will have his money (see the above mention of Jaime taking Highgarden aka the people who have all money).

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At Winterfell, Bran shows up and instead of a happy reunion with Sansa he brings up the night of her wedding to Ramsey, which he saw in a three eyed raven vision. Not exactly the brotherly love she was looking for, Bran. Bran says he needs to talk to Jon (about how he’s a Targaryen, essentially). Sansa is like….you sound crazy. Because he does. He’s the three eyed raven now, which means you apparently can’t tell anyone anything about what that means. Seems pretty simple to explain Bran, you see the past, present and future. Just say that and maybe don’t bring up the most traumatic night of your sister’s life. Sheesh.

Sam cures Jorah of his Grayscale and his reward is to copy old scrolls. Better than emptying chamber pots. Jorah goes off to find his favorite Queen who has friendzoned him into the hardest farthest reaches of the friendzone.

That’s the episode. Best one of the season so far. Would love more like it!

Best quotes this week:

Messandi: You stand before Daenerys Targaryen…..[insert all 7 million titles].

Davos: This is Jon Snow…….he’s King of the North.

Next time I need a hype man to introduce me into an arena of sorts, I’m calling Davos.

 

Tyrion: She’s much smarter than she lets on [talking about Sansa]

Jon: She’s been letting on.

 

Olenna: He was really a cunt wasn’t he? I’d hate to die like your son, clawing at my neck, eyes blood red, skin purple. Must have been terrible for you. A shocking scene. Not at all what I intended. Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me.

 

Tyrion: I came down here to brood over my failure to predict the Greyjoy attack. You’re making it difficult. You look a lot better brooding than I do. You make me feel like I’m failing at brooding over failing.

 

Tyrion: A wise man once said that you should never believe things simply because you want to believe it.

Daenerys: Which wise man said this?

Tyrion: I don’t remember.

Daenerys: Are you trying to present your own statements as ancient wisdom?

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E02: STORMBORN

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E02: STORMBORN

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A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Two: Stormborn

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

At Dragonstone, Daenerys is with her advisers, Varys and Tyrion. She questions Vary’s loyalty and who he has served since her birth. The answer is a lot of people, but Varys isn’t dumb. He answers all her questions perfectly, even going as far to say that he serves the people of Westeros above all. Dany makes him promise that if she is failing the people at any moment, he tell her to her face rather than conspire behind her back. Oh, and if she finds out he has conspired against her from here on out, she will burn him alive. Nice touch.

The red woman, Melisandre shows up, riding down from the North where she was banished by Jon for burning a small child alive. Let’s not forget that. Dany asks what Melisandre’s Lord of Light expects from her. Melisandre repeats her ‘the prince that was promised will bring the dawn” bullshit. Dany says she can’t help her because she’s not a prince, but Missandei interprets and says that in High Valyrian the translation of prince is a noun that can mean prince or princess so really she qualifies, and we all know the red woman is dying to blindly worship someone again. She says that Dany has a role to play in the war to come and so does Jon Snow, the King in the North. Tyrion perks up at this, remembering how he and Jon left on good terms at the wall in the first season. He trusts Jon’s judgement and since the Red Woman is insinuating that he has some crazy news to share they invite him to bend the knee and share it. Dany agrees. Omgz come meet your future wife, Jon.

In Westeros, Jon, Davos and Sansa read the letter from Tyrion. Sansa says (as his kind of still maybe wife?) that Tyrion isn’t like the other Lannisters. He was always kind to her. However, they agree that it’s too dangerous to go meet Dany, but they do agree that if the army of the dead makes it past the wall they don’t have enough men to fight them.Jon gets his raven from Sam and repeat the news to his lords that Sam knows Dragonglass exists beneath Dragonstone, but they have to trust Tyrion. Jon says he’s going to go meet with Dany. They need the dragonglass in order to defeat the wights. Sansa says it’s a trap, but Jon doesn’t believe that Tyrion would lie to him. The men agree with Sansa and they all insist he stays. Jon says none of them have seen the army of the dead and he says they need allies even if it is a risk and he will leave Sansa as head of the north while he is gone. No one complains about that much. Jon goes down to the crypt where Petyr (thrilled that Sansa is now in charge, puke), finds him. Petyr says he loves Sansa just as he loved Catlyn. Jon chokes him up against a wall and says if he touches Sansa he will kill him. Kind of lovin’ it over here. Now if only Sansa is smart enough to trust in Jon while he is gone and make good decisions. Please dear lordy.

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Cersei makes big speech to the handful of lords who are still ‘loyal’ to her (read loyal: afraid she will burn them all to the ground with wildfire). She makes of lot of propaganda claims that the Dothraki are savage and Dany will destroy the seven realms as they know it (is that so bad? The seven realms kind of suck right now). Randyll Tarly (Sam’s Dad) shows up to hear what Cersei has to say, but he’s not buying it. Jamie, to the disappointment of many, pulls him aside and insists that he help out, because if he professes his loyalty to Cersei the rest of the noblemen will. With the Sandsnakes and all of Dorne backing Dany as well as the Tyrells, Cersei is desperate for people to be loyal to her. The fact that after everything Jamie has been through, he is backing Cersei still is completely frustrating. It’s also something I feel like book Jamie would never do.

Qyburn, Cersei’s insane crazy doctor surgeon wizard thing (now hand of the queen), leads Cersei down to the crypt to see the skulls of the dragons that Aegon rode across the sea to bring the seven kingdoms to his rule. Quburn says that the dragons aren’t invincible. He’s had word that one of Dany’s dragons were wounded by spears in the fighting pits in Mereen. He thinks if they can be wounded they can be killed. He reveals a crossbow that his fucking huge, that they blacksmiths of King’s Landing have been forging day and night. It certainly looks big enough to slay a dragon and Cersei pulls the lever, which slams into the skeleton skull of the dragon in the crypt, proving his point.

Back in Dragonstone, Yara Greyjoy tells Dany to hurry up and take the Iron Throne. She suggest that with all of their weapons and dragons they can take King’s Landing in a day. The Sandsnake agrees, even though the casualties will be high, she sees the people as collateral in the war for the throne. Tyrion tells her that they don’t poison little girls here, remembering his fondness for his niece Myrcella, facing the woman who killed her. Dany says she’s not here to be Queen of the Ashes and Olenna Tyrell agrees to a point. She remembers that Margaery was loved and now she’s ashes. Pause for a moment and take in that three women are offering advice to another woman as their Queen. This is the kind of progressive shit I love in Game of Thrones.

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Dany takes in their advice, but she says they will not attack King’s Landing, they will lay siege to the capital surrounding it on all sides. They will starve them out of King’s Landing, and they won’t use Dothraki and Unsullied, they will use Westerosi army. Meanwhile the Dothraki will go to Casterly Rock and take it, effectively taking the Lannister’s seat of power. The three women agree and holy fuck women rule. Dany asks to talk to Olenna alone, she says that she knows she’s just there for revenge, but Dany promises peace. Olenna says that she’s ignored most clever men in her life and she’s outlives them all (read Tyrion) and that since Dany is a dragon she shouldn’t be afraid to act like one.

Missandei knows Greyworm is leaving for Casterly Rock tomorrow and is upset he didn’t come to say goodbye to her. He says it’s hard to say goodbye to her because she is his weakness. He says when he was an unsullied child they would use his fears against him. He says because of her he now has fear and they quickly and finally make out and the award for first boobs of the season go to Missandei. Props.

Sam is in the Citadel watching Jorah get his Greyscale examined. The maester says they should have cut off his arm the moment he was touched. Jorah wants to know how long and the maester says 10-20 before it kills him, but only 6 months before he loses his mind. Meanwhile, in the regular section of the library, Professor Slughorn is using Sam as a book cart. Sam tells him that he knows of two recorded cases where advance Greyscale has been cured. Slughorn says that the procedure he speaks of is too dangerous, which is why it’s now forbidden. Jorah is in his prison writing what I can only guess is a suicide letter to Daenerys when Sam comes in with all the things he may need for a surgery. Sam says that he knew Jorah’s father because he met him when he was serving as Night’s Watch where he went after he was exiled as a knight and came to be commander. For those who don’t remember he was killed in the mutiny at Craster’s keep. Sam gives Jorah some rum and tell his to drink it all because what he’s about to do is going to hurt. He proceeds to peel the entire first layer of greyscale off of Jorah. Holy fuck it looks like a bitch.

Cut to a scene of a man in a pub biting into a meat pie that looks a lot like Jorah’s skin. I swear to the Seven, they want us to puke every episode. Arya is nearby these two listening in in and gathering information on Cersei and what’s going on at King’s Landing. Fat shit, Hot Pie shows up as he is working in the pub and asks what’s happened to her. She answers so clinically it’s almost hard to see the Arya we all love. Is she so blinded by revenge at this point? She seems so set on her destination to King’s Landing that we finally see a crack in her revenge armor as Hot Pie informs her that Jon and Sansa have taken Winterfell. We see her exit and instead of following the men to King’s Landing she heads toward Winterfell. MY HEART CANNOT TAKE IT. She rides and makes camp later in the day but the horse is agitated so she pulls out needle and suddenly they are surrounded by wolves.Then the biggest wolf of them all comes in and HOLY FUCK IT’S NYMERIA. ARYAS FUCKING DIREWOLF IS BACK. Arya tries to get Nymeria to come with her, but the direwolf goes and takes her pack with her. It’s sad, but also HOLY FUCK NYMERIA IS ALIVE.

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The Sandsnakes are bitching in a hold in the Greyjoy’s ship. Their mother, Elia is in a room on the ship with Theon and Yara talking about the merits of Dorne. The girls flirt, and talk about how Theon will be Yara’s protector one day when she is queen. They are about to bang-o-rang when the ships come under attack. Euron Greyjoy has found them and rams his ships with theirs. Euron slams down into a ship in a strange but accurate WWE style and suddenly it’s an all out battle on board, which is a far cry from the monotony and politics of last episode. Two of the sandsnakes fight Euron and unlike their book counterparts (who would have won) they die. Yara finds Euron and they duke it out. It looks like he’s going to win when Theon finds Euron with his dagger to Yara’s throat. Theon almost becomes a hero but instead he jumps overboard like a little bitch. I only hope that he follows the ship they’ve taken Yara on and comes back as a hero. It’s so disappointing to see that he can’t get past what was done to him (then again, who can blame him?).

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Best quotes this week:

  • “You wish to know where my true loyalties lie? Not to any Queen or King, but with the people. The people who suffer under despots and prosper under just rule. The people whose hearts you aim to win. If you demand blind allegiance I respect your wishes. But if you let me live I will serve you well. I will dedicate myself to seeing you on the iron throne because I choose you. Because I know the people have no better chance than you.” Varys
  • I”m heading north, Girl. Back to winterfell. I’m finally going home. Come with me.” – Arya

Let’s not forget this gem:

Arya: This is good

Hot Pie: Do you think so? The secret is browning the butter before making the dough.

Arya: Mm, I didn’t do that.

Hot Pie: You been making pies?

Arya: One or two

Side note: She’s referring to the human pie of Walder Frey’s son’s that she made him eat before killing him. Bitch is stone cold.