Archives

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E06: BEYOND THE WALL

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E06: BEYOND THE WALL

game-of-thrones-beyond-the-wall-05.jpg

A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Six: Beyond the Wall

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

Next week’s Recap episode will be a day late! Look for it next Monday night. In a way that’s good though? Makes us a day closer to season eight!

Arya and Sansa are fighting again. Instead of…I don’t know…talking to each other? Littlefinger has it all worked out and manipulates Arya into a fight with Sansa over her loyalty to her family. Sansa consults in Littlefinger who suggests that Sansa involve Brienne who swore loyalty to Catelyn Stark to protect her daughters…even from each other. Instead, Sansa sends Brienne to King’s Landing in her stead. Apparently Cersei invited Sansa down to ‘talk’ and she makes Brienne go instead. Not sure how any of this helps Sansa….or Arya….or Littlefinger. Even Brienne looks confused AF and I don’t believe for a second that Cersei would invite Sansa anywhere because she would bore Cersei to death. So something is up.

game-of-thrones-beyond-the-wall-11.jpg

Sansa goes snooping in Arya’s room and finds her dead people masks. Arya essentially threatens her. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? The character development for Arya here doesn’t make sense. Either Sansa and Arya are actually in alliance (although the evidence against this is becoming overwhelming) or all that training Arya did doesn’t make her see she is falling into Littlefinger’s trap. And Sansa has become this crazy power hungry nightmare? I hate them both right now. The other option is that Arya has already killed Littlefinger and is pretending to be him. Which would be kind of insane.

Tyrion tries to consult Dany, but he goes about it in entirely the wrong way. The conversations starts civilly discussing how to meet with Cersei if she accepts the invitation. Tyrion teases Dany about her obvious boner for Jon. Then he brings up the idea of her successor to the throne if Dany dies. WHY TYRION. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SMARTER THAN THIS. First this dip shit plan with Cersei and trusting Jaime and now THIS. Come on dude. Dany leaves the meeting unhappy with her Hand and the audience leaves it unhappy with him as well.

image.jpg

North of the wall, hilarious conversation ensues with The Hound and Tormund discussing Brienne. Tormund talks about the strong children they’re going to have together and The Hound remembers fighting her. Gendry is cold and whiny and The Hound makes fun of him for it. Jon and Jorah discuss the sword Jorah’s father gave Jon. Jon tries to give it back, but Jorah lets him have it. Through the snow, they see two blue eyes and it turns out to be a giant white walker polar bear. They kill it with fire, but not before The Hound is horrified (mostly by the fire) and a few no name people with them die from it.

They happen upon a small group of White Walkers and manage to kill all but one. They trap it but not before being overrun by a huge group of White Walkers. They kill the main white walker and somehow it kills all the other ones. So that’s helpful information to know. They make it to the middle of a lake that the Walkers don’t’ want to cross because it’s half frozen. Gendry makes it away to the Wall to send a raven to Dany for help. Tyrion advises that it’s too risky, but Dany wants some of that hot Jon Snow ass and refuses to let him die. Eventually a battle ensues and just when things start to look bad, Dany shows up with her Dragons.

Game-of-Thrones-Season-7-Episode-6.jpg

The main White Walker, The Night King, takes one of his ice spears and kills one of the dragons, as it falls into the icy lake. Dany is horrified and manages to get everyone out alive except Jon. Beric, The Hound, and Jorah take their White Walker prisoner and get on the Dragon with Dany as she exits with her two remaining dragons. Jon is left behind and it looks like he’s going to die when his Uncle Benjen shows up and distracts the Walkers, giving Jon his horse to ride back to the wall (again, weird, but it’s such a strange plot point I’m gonna gloss over it). Dany watches him arrive with a full on lady boner.

Later, Jon awakes and Dany is hanging out lookin’ at him naked (essentially). She sees his death scars from the stabbings he took. Jon calls her ‘Dany’ and she doesn’t like that (too bad Imma keep doing it, maybe you should try having an easier name to spell). Jon says, ‘How about ‘My Queen’ then?” And she splooshes everywhere. They hold hands for a bit, very risque, and essentially solidify their ever growing love.

Oh, and remember that dead polar bear? Remember how animals can become White Walkers? REMEMBER. The last scene we are left with is the Night King, dragging the dragon’s body out of the frozen lake and, you guessed it, now we have A DRAGON WHITE WALKER WHAT. So….does it breathe ice? This is A Song of Ice and Fire guys!

Best quotes this week:

  • Gendry: How do you keep your balls from freezing off?

Tormund: You gotta keep moving. That’s the secret. Walkin’s good, fighting’s better, fucking’s best.

  • Dany: Jon Snow’s not in love with me

Tyrion: Oh, my mistake. I suppose he stares at you longingly because he’s hopeful for a successful military alliance.

  • Beric: We’ll meet again Clegane.

Hound: I fucking hope not.

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E05: EASTWATCH

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E05: EASTWATCH

Game-of-Thrones-1027732.jpg

A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Five: Eastwatch

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

Okay first off, don’t name an episode Eastwatch, tell us a great battle is going to take place there via the flames The Hound sees, and then not give us a big battle at Eastwatch. Also, let’s assume that this episode takes place over several months because holy shit there is a lot of time traveling of characters here.

Jaime and Bron survive the dragon attack, yippie. Jamie heads back to King’s Landing and he wants to convince Cersei to surrender after realizing that Daenerys has THREE dragons and he just saw the damage one could do. He heads back to King’s Landing to tell Cersei that they can’t win, but she’s in so over her head at this point giving up would actually be the crazy thing to do. The best bit of this scene is Jaime telling Cersei that Olenna killed Joffrey. The classic stone cold bitch face Cersei gave was epic.

At the remnants of the battle, Lannister men are left to bend the knee or be killed. Sam Tarly’s father and his brother refuse, so Dany burns them alive. Quickly, the rest bend the knee. Tyrion and Varys aren’t sure that was the right move on her part, but I think it was and I agree with it. Sam’s dad is a dick anyway, and now Sam’s officially Lord of The Reach so that worked out.

game-of-thrones-episode-5-hbo_71ad186a-7d84-11e7-ba32-a280bea68af6.jpg

Back in Old Town, Slughorn doesn’t want to tell Sam that his brother and Dad are dead, and Sam bounces out of Old Town with Gilly and little Sam and fuck ton of stolen books about White Walkers before he can. Sam is tired of the Maesters not listening to him about the Army of the Dead dangers so he peaces out. Also, he seems to not be able to stand another conversation with Gilly, who has learned to read, and is full of nonsense facts. Oh, except for the fact that she finds out that Rhaegar and Lyanna’s marriage was in fact legal because Rhaegar was granted an annulment to his previous marriage from a maester. Kind of a big deal. PAY ATTENTION SAM.

Bran (3EB) takes over the body of a raven to fly beyond Eastwatch. He see’s the army of the dead. Spoiler: it’s a lot of people. The only thing that’s going to kill them at this point is lots of dragon fire. Lots of it. 3EB has Sansa send a message to Jon about what he has seen.

Dany flies back to Dragonstone, landing in front of Jon hoping to impress him with her dragon. Amazingly, Drogon (who by the way has survived the spear in the side) lets Jon touch him. It’s that Targaryen blood baby! Dany is more than a little turned on.

Game-of-Thrones-season-7-episode-5.jpg

They go inside and Jon gets Sansa’s letter (he takes a moment to be happy that Arya is alive, yay!). Jon says he has to leave and fight the White Walkers. Dany is reluctant to lend help because the second she heads North, Cersei will take the country over. Tyrion thinks that if they can bring back one soldier from the Army of the Dead, then she will create some sort of truce to let Dany fight them and maybe surrender in turn? I’m sorry, have you met Cersei? That bitch isn’t surrendering to ANYONE. She would rather watch an Army of the Dead burn the entire world down than do that. Come on you guys. This is kind of a worthless mission. Tyrion says that the only person Cersei listens to is Jaime and if he can get Jaime to convince Cersei to agree to have them bring a White Walker in, all their problems will be solved. Right. Okay.

In more bad news at Winterfell, Arya thinks she is being sneaky and tailing Petyr. She finds a scroll he has hidden and it looks like it’s from Sansa to Robb. The letter that Cersei forced her to write telling Robb to bend the knee a long ass time ago. Not sure what Arya makes of this information, but she’s onto Littlefinger. Oh except Littlefinger is playing her like a fucking fiddle. He planted the evidence and watches her find it. He is trying to create a rift between the sisters and my anxiety about this is HIGH. SUPER HIGH. Arya already confronted Sansa earlier saying that she sees Sansa is hoping Jon won’t come back and that she will get to stay Lady of Winterfell. THIS IS NOT GOOD.

Davos takes Tyrion to King’s Landing (everyone is traveling A LOT right now, VERY quickly so just ignore that otherwise the entire thing will drive you crazy). Tyrion gets Bronn to set up a meeting in the Catacombs with Jaime while Tyrion tells him his plan. Tyrion tells Jaime that Dany will win the war, but she’s willing to suspend hostilities if Cersei will let them bring a dead/alive zombie thing to her. WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? Jaime goes up to tell Cersei about the meeting but she already knows about it (oh snap). Jaime tells Cersei about the dead men and the armistice, but Cersei just laughs and tells Jaime that she’s pregnant with his baby so now they need to fight for the baby. Jaime for some reason is charmed by this and seems to concede with Cersei who says that he better never betray her again. Davos goes to find good old Gentry Water’s, Robert Baratheon’s bastard son who he last saw rowing away after he helped him escape the Red Woman. Gendry’s weapon of choice is a giant hammer and he kills two Lannisters on the way out of town with Davos and Tyrion in tow.

At Dragonstone, Jorah shows up and is super friendzoned again. Once he sees his new competition in Jon he sadly gives up once more. Dany doesn’t want Jon to go, but doesn’t say it out loud. It’s just super obvious. Even Tyrion sees it. Jon kind of is into it but he’s too busy brooding about White Walkers so he takes off with Jorah, Davos, and Gendry to Eastwatch.They are going to kidnap a White Walker to convince Cersei (good luck with that!) to stop fighting for a bit while they save Westeros from an Army of the Dead. Jon and Gendry meet and bromance it up, thrilled to meet each other since they knew each other’s father’s. Gendry essentially is like, “Hey bro we’re both bastards, our dads are both dead, let’s be best friends and kill some White Walkers”. At Eastwatch, Jon, Thoros, Bedric, The Hound, Tormund, Gendry, Davos and Jorah all go beyond the wall to get themselves a zombie. It’s a pretty impressive group actually and they might just have a shot.

Best quotes this week:

  • Davos: Bad things are coming

Gendry: You came to get me. You want me to come with you

Davos: Well, the thing you need to understand is…..

Gendry: I’m ready, let’s go

  • Jon: If I don’t return at least you won’t have to deal with the King of the North anymore

Dany: I’ve grown used to him

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E04: THE SPOILS OF WAR

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E04: THE SPOILS OF WAR

image.jpg

A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Four: The Spoils of War

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

Ummm…holy shit. Let’s get started because we have a lot to cover.

Cersei is talking with Tycho, the head of the Iron Bank, about her debt being paid ASAP. She says Jaime is gonna bring it soon and Tycho is a little sad because she no longer will owe anything to them. Cersei still needs a bigger army and weapons so Tycho tells her he can help her with an outside investment. Cersei mentions that Qyburn has made overtures to the Golden Company, a group of sellswords, in Essos. Essentially Cersei wants to hire the sellswords to help expand her military and take back certain regions, and Tycho pledges the Bank’s full support….as soon as he gets his money.

Petyr gives Three Eyed Bran the dagger that was almost used to assassinate him in season one after he saw Jaime and Cersei getting it on. Bran doesn’t really give a fuck about any of that shit though and as Petyr leaves, Meera enters. After her brother dies for him, and she drags his ass all over the seven fucking kingdoms and beyond she says she should probably go home now. Bran is like….yeah you do that. Meera is understandably a little pissed, but in a way understands. Bran died in that cave beyond the wall, and now he’s three eyed Bran. He’s seen so much shit that he can barely remember who he is. He is essentially 3EB, which is also the way the band Third Eye Blind like to spell their name sometimes so that’s kind of weird, but I’m gonna go with it from now on when we refer to Bran….I mean 3EB.

Arya shows up and it seems as if she will never get past the gates….SOMETHING will go wrong, but she makes her way down to the crypts after she tells some guards to tell Sansa she’s here. Sansa knows where to find her and they reunited amongst the bones of their dead father. It’s heartwarming, but also strange. Three of the Starks are back at Winterfell, together, and it should be a happy moment, but instead it feels off. They’ve all been through so much collectively that they aren’t the same people anymore. Even Jon has come back from the fucking dead. Sansa tells Arya that Bran is back, but he’s weird AF so watch out. Arya and Sansa meet with 3EB by the weirwood. 3EB gives Arya his valyrian steel dagger that once tried to kill him (nice, it can be used to kill white walkers!) and they have a weird conversation. Later, Arya spars with Brienne and is a formidable opponent. It’s pretty amazing. Sansa watches from afar, pretty disturbed that her sister is a killing machine and her brother is a fucking know it all zombie essentially. Petyr looks on wondering I’m sure how he can use Sansa’s unease to his advantage.

dims.jpg

Jon asks Daenerys to follow him into the cave full of valyrian steel and she looks as if she’s hoping he’ll show her his dick. No luck though as Jon shows her petroglyph’s in the cave depicting the first men (humans) and the children of the forest (those creepy creatures/children north of the wall also the first beings ever apparently) fighting together against the White Walkers. Jon’s like, “You want evidence that you need to help me, bitch? Well here it is!” Dany says she will help Jon fight them if he bends the knee. Omg Dany you’re all going to die, just let it go and help! Jon seems convinced though that it’s worth bending the knee if he can save his people. Prediction! Jon bends, the people are pissed, and this is how Littlefinger turns Jon’s men against him. Then of course Dany fights back with dragons and they all give up and kill Littlefinger (in my dreams).

When they emerge out of the ‘I wish we had had sex in there’ cave, Tyrion is around with more bad news about how his plan did not work. Dany is ready to go with her dragons and burn the Red Keep to the ground. She asks Jon what he thinks she should do, and he says that’s not the way and she kind of agrees. Maybe that’s not the right location she needs to strike.

Davos asks Jon what he thinks of Dany. Jon says she has a good heart, and Davos says he didn’t realize he was checking out her heart. Bow Chicka Wow Wow. It’s so happening. As they’re talking they see a Greyjoy ship approaching and they go down to the beach and Jon watching in disbelief as Theon disembarks the boat. Remember that Theon killed all his childhood friends at Winterfell when he took it, then he burned two innocent children making Jon think it was his brothers, and he essentially betrayed him. THEN of course, he also helped Sansa escape Ramsey’s clutches so Jon tells him that’s the only reason he’s not beating the shit out of him right now. Theon says he came to ask Dany to save his sister, and Jon says she’s not there. So where is she?

Theon-Harrag-Ironmen-Spoils-of-War.jpg

Now it’s time for an epic unexpected battle…INVOLVING DRAGONS. It’s a weird battle though because for the first time since Blackwater Bay we have people we like (Bronn and Jaime) fighting against people we like (Dany, Dragons and Tyrion). Jaime is marching back with his men from conquering Highgarden. Bron still wants his castle and for some reason Jaime is being a dick about it. Unfortunately, the gold has gone ahead of them to King’s Landing and has arrived safely. Most of the army is gone, but Jaime and Bron are with the stragglers when they suddenly hear a fuck ton of hooves. They form the line like a normal battle as they see the Dothraki approach in great numbers. Where have these Dothraki been? Not to be a spoilsport, but Dragonstone is pretty small and I haven’t seen thousands of horses and Dothraki just roaming around.

image (1).jpg

Anyway, Bronn is a bit worried, but he thinks they can take the Dothraki….until Dany shows up riding a dragon and Drokaris’ the shit out of them. Things are looking pretty smoky for the Lannister’s until Bron goes to find the Dragon slaying crossbow that miraculously has managed to not burn in a wagon. He points it at the sky and shoots the dragon in the chest. The dragon turns around and burns the crossbow to the ground, but has to land because its injured. Dany climbs off of it to take the arrow out of it and Jaime sees her vulnerable on the ground. Tyrion sees Jamie and tells him to ‘flee you idiot. You fucking idiot’ under his breath. He rides toward Dany instead with a spear ready to go. At the last moment, the dragon sees him and shoots fire at him, but someone (Bron?) pushes him off his horse and out of the way at the last moment. They fall into a small lake and the episode ends as we see Jaime sink to the bottom.

Is the dragon okay? Is Jaime okay? Is Bron okay? Will Dany kill the rest of the Lannisters? Will Tyrion vouch for his brother? Can they all just agree that Cersei is a cunt and get along? Most importantly, is the dragon okay?

Best quotes this week:

  • Sansa: You shouldn’t have run from the guards

Arya: I didn’t run, you need better guards.

  • Davos: What do you think of her [referring to Daenerys]

Jon: I think she has a good heart

Davos: A good heart? I’ve noticed you staring at her good heart

  • Brienne: You can’t use that my lady it’s too small

Arya: Don’t worry I won’t hurt you

Brienne: I’ll try not to

  • Jaime: Rickon.

Dickon: Dickon.

Bronn: *Laughs hysterically*

  • Bronn: Men shit themselves when they die. Didn’t they teach you that at fancy lad school?

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E03: THE QUEEN’S JUSTICE

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E03: THE QUEEN’S JUSTICE

703_TQJ.jpg

A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Three: The Queen’s Justice

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

When I first saw that this week’s episode was called The Queen’s Justice, I assumed that meant Daenerys’ justice. Turns out it’s Cersei’s justice, and this show can still pack some surprises.

When Daenerys and Tyrion came up with the idea of sending troops to Casterly Rock and to King’s Landing it seemed brilliant. Starve out Cersei, and destroy her home. Turns out Yara’s ships were burned, with her and Ellaria Sand and her daughter taken captive before they could reach King’s Landing. Then it turns out that the Lannister’s LET Daenerys take Casterly Rock, for now, and sent most of their troops to destroy Highgarden.

casterly-rock-siege.jpg

That’s a good fucking move on the Lannister’s part. Grey Worm is stuck at Casterly Rock after the Lannister’s let him take it, but they burn all of their ships so they’re stuck. After Jaime takes Highgarden he offers Olenna some poison. After figuring out that the poison will be painless she downs that shit immediately like bad ass bitch, then tells Jaime she killed Joffrey. Fucking SAVAGE AF. In a way she gave Jaime a gift though. Jaime always felt that Tyrion didn’t kill Joffrey but he was never 100% sure. Now he knows that he let an innocent man live. There’s something to that.

game-of-thrones-the-queens-justice-photo002-1501096954530_1280w.jpg

Jon Snow shows up with Davos and is like ‘hey magical mythical ice kings are coming to kill us all’ and surprisingly Daenerys doesn’t take him that seriously. They do a lot of eye fucking though and I’m confirming my prediction now that this Aunt will marry her Nephew. So what? All the Targaryen’s inbreed. Totally normal for them. In the end, Tyrion convinces Daenarys to let Jon mine dragonglass and make weapons from it. She’s gonna keep looking south (for now).

The Red Woman and Varys exchange words. Varys finds it interesting that she summoned Jon to Dragonstone, but then didn’t stay to greet him. The Red Woman doesn’t really care and leaves for Essos while telling Varys that she will be back. Apparently she has to die in Westeros and he will too. Varys doesn’t like that, but I think we are all glad to see the Red Woman go. I’m sure she’ll pop up again when we least expect her to.

Theon is saved by one of the few ships that escaped Euron. They aren’t happy that he is alive and Yara is gone and probably dead. Cersei promises to marry Euron because he brought her the gift of the woman who killed her daughter. Yara is alive and a captive of Euron’s while Cersei takes Ellaria and her daughter down to the dungeons. She kisses the daughter with the same poison Ellaria used on Myrcella. Cersei takes the antidote and tells Ellaria she can now watch her own daughter die. She’s going to make Ellaria stay down there forever with her daughter’s corpse. That’s some justice right there. I don’t agree with Cersei’s decisions on almost anything, but this shit was good. Myrcella was an innocent…and Ellaria was the worst. I approve.

The Iron bank stops by to collect its debt from the Lannisters. Cersei asks that the head of the Iron Bank stay as her guest and in a fortnight she will have his money (see the above mention of Jaime taking Highgarden aka the people who have all money).

image

At Winterfell, Bran shows up and instead of a happy reunion with Sansa he brings up the night of her wedding to Ramsey, which he saw in a three eyed raven vision. Not exactly the brotherly love she was looking for, Bran. Bran says he needs to talk to Jon (about how he’s a Targaryen, essentially). Sansa is like….you sound crazy. Because he does. He’s the three eyed raven now, which means you apparently can’t tell anyone anything about what that means. Seems pretty simple to explain Bran, you see the past, present and future. Just say that and maybe don’t bring up the most traumatic night of your sister’s life. Sheesh.

Sam cures Jorah of his Grayscale and his reward is to copy old scrolls. Better than emptying chamber pots. Jorah goes off to find his favorite Queen who has friendzoned him into the hardest farthest reaches of the friendzone.

That’s the episode. Best one of the season so far. Would love more like it!

Best quotes this week:

Messandi: You stand before Daenerys Targaryen…..[insert all 7 million titles].

Davos: This is Jon Snow…….he’s King of the North.

Next time I need a hype man to introduce me into an arena of sorts, I’m calling Davos.

 

Tyrion: She’s much smarter than she lets on [talking about Sansa]

Jon: She’s been letting on.

 

Olenna: He was really a cunt wasn’t he? I’d hate to die like your son, clawing at my neck, eyes blood red, skin purple. Must have been terrible for you. A shocking scene. Not at all what I intended. Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me.

 

Tyrion: I came down here to brood over my failure to predict the Greyjoy attack. You’re making it difficult. You look a lot better brooding than I do. You make me feel like I’m failing at brooding over failing.

 

Tyrion: A wise man once said that you should never believe things simply because you want to believe it.

Daenerys: Which wise man said this?

Tyrion: I don’t remember.

Daenerys: Are you trying to present your own statements as ancient wisdom?

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E02: STORMBORN

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E02: STORMBORN

702_S.jpg

A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Two: Stormborn

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

At Dragonstone, Daenerys is with her advisers, Varys and Tyrion. She questions Vary’s loyalty and who he has served since her birth. The answer is a lot of people, but Varys isn’t dumb. He answers all her questions perfectly, even going as far to say that he serves the people of Westeros above all. Dany makes him promise that if she is failing the people at any moment, he tell her to her face rather than conspire behind her back. Oh, and if she finds out he has conspired against her from here on out, she will burn him alive. Nice touch.

The red woman, Melisandre shows up, riding down from the North where she was banished by Jon for burning a small child alive. Let’s not forget that. Dany asks what Melisandre’s Lord of Light expects from her. Melisandre repeats her ‘the prince that was promised will bring the dawn” bullshit. Dany says she can’t help her because she’s not a prince, but Missandei interprets and says that in High Valyrian the translation of prince is a noun that can mean prince or princess so really she qualifies, and we all know the red woman is dying to blindly worship someone again. She says that Dany has a role to play in the war to come and so does Jon Snow, the King in the North. Tyrion perks up at this, remembering how he and Jon left on good terms at the wall in the first season. He trusts Jon’s judgement and since the Red Woman is insinuating that he has some crazy news to share they invite him to bend the knee and share it. Dany agrees. Omgz come meet your future wife, Jon.

In Westeros, Jon, Davos and Sansa read the letter from Tyrion. Sansa says (as his kind of still maybe wife?) that Tyrion isn’t like the other Lannisters. He was always kind to her. However, they agree that it’s too dangerous to go meet Dany, but they do agree that if the army of the dead makes it past the wall they don’t have enough men to fight them.Jon gets his raven from Sam and repeat the news to his lords that Sam knows Dragonglass exists beneath Dragonstone, but they have to trust Tyrion. Jon says he’s going to go meet with Dany. They need the dragonglass in order to defeat the wights. Sansa says it’s a trap, but Jon doesn’t believe that Tyrion would lie to him. The men agree with Sansa and they all insist he stays. Jon says none of them have seen the army of the dead and he says they need allies even if it is a risk and he will leave Sansa as head of the north while he is gone. No one complains about that much. Jon goes down to the crypt where Petyr (thrilled that Sansa is now in charge, puke), finds him. Petyr says he loves Sansa just as he loved Catlyn. Jon chokes him up against a wall and says if he touches Sansa he will kill him. Kind of lovin’ it over here. Now if only Sansa is smart enough to trust in Jon while he is gone and make good decisions. Please dear lordy.

landscape-1500490574-got13.jpg

Cersei makes big speech to the handful of lords who are still ‘loyal’ to her (read loyal: afraid she will burn them all to the ground with wildfire). She makes of lot of propaganda claims that the Dothraki are savage and Dany will destroy the seven realms as they know it (is that so bad? The seven realms kind of suck right now). Randyll Tarly (Sam’s Dad) shows up to hear what Cersei has to say, but he’s not buying it. Jamie, to the disappointment of many, pulls him aside and insists that he help out, because if he professes his loyalty to Cersei the rest of the noblemen will. With the Sandsnakes and all of Dorne backing Dany as well as the Tyrells, Cersei is desperate for people to be loyal to her. The fact that after everything Jamie has been through, he is backing Cersei still is completely frustrating. It’s also something I feel like book Jamie would never do.

Qyburn, Cersei’s insane crazy doctor surgeon wizard thing (now hand of the queen), leads Cersei down to the crypt to see the skulls of the dragons that Aegon rode across the sea to bring the seven kingdoms to his rule. Quburn says that the dragons aren’t invincible. He’s had word that one of Dany’s dragons were wounded by spears in the fighting pits in Mereen. He thinks if they can be wounded they can be killed. He reveals a crossbow that his fucking huge, that they blacksmiths of King’s Landing have been forging day and night. It certainly looks big enough to slay a dragon and Cersei pulls the lever, which slams into the skeleton skull of the dragon in the crypt, proving his point.

Back in Dragonstone, Yara Greyjoy tells Dany to hurry up and take the Iron Throne. She suggest that with all of their weapons and dragons they can take King’s Landing in a day. The Sandsnake agrees, even though the casualties will be high, she sees the people as collateral in the war for the throne. Tyrion tells her that they don’t poison little girls here, remembering his fondness for his niece Myrcella, facing the woman who killed her. Dany says she’s not here to be Queen of the Ashes and Olenna Tyrell agrees to a point. She remembers that Margaery was loved and now she’s ashes. Pause for a moment and take in that three women are offering advice to another woman as their Queen. This is the kind of progressive shit I love in Game of Thrones.

game-of-thrones-season-7-stormborn-image-6.jpg

Dany takes in their advice, but she says they will not attack King’s Landing, they will lay siege to the capital surrounding it on all sides. They will starve them out of King’s Landing, and they won’t use Dothraki and Unsullied, they will use Westerosi army. Meanwhile the Dothraki will go to Casterly Rock and take it, effectively taking the Lannister’s seat of power. The three women agree and holy fuck women rule. Dany asks to talk to Olenna alone, she says that she knows she’s just there for revenge, but Dany promises peace. Olenna says that she’s ignored most clever men in her life and she’s outlives them all (read Tyrion) and that since Dany is a dragon she shouldn’t be afraid to act like one.

Missandei knows Greyworm is leaving for Casterly Rock tomorrow and is upset he didn’t come to say goodbye to her. He says it’s hard to say goodbye to her because she is his weakness. He says when he was an unsullied child they would use his fears against him. He says because of her he now has fear and they quickly and finally make out and the award for first boobs of the season go to Missandei. Props.

Sam is in the Citadel watching Jorah get his Greyscale examined. The maester says they should have cut off his arm the moment he was touched. Jorah wants to know how long and the maester says 10-20 before it kills him, but only 6 months before he loses his mind. Meanwhile, in the regular section of the library, Professor Slughorn is using Sam as a book cart. Sam tells him that he knows of two recorded cases where advance Greyscale has been cured. Slughorn says that the procedure he speaks of is too dangerous, which is why it’s now forbidden. Jorah is in his prison writing what I can only guess is a suicide letter to Daenerys when Sam comes in with all the things he may need for a surgery. Sam says that he knew Jorah’s father because he met him when he was serving as Night’s Watch where he went after he was exiled as a knight and came to be commander. For those who don’t remember he was killed in the mutiny at Craster’s keep. Sam gives Jorah some rum and tell his to drink it all because what he’s about to do is going to hurt. He proceeds to peel the entire first layer of greyscale off of Jorah. Holy fuck it looks like a bitch.

Cut to a scene of a man in a pub biting into a meat pie that looks a lot like Jorah’s skin. I swear to the Seven, they want us to puke every episode. Arya is nearby these two listening in in and gathering information on Cersei and what’s going on at King’s Landing. Fat shit, Hot Pie shows up as he is working in the pub and asks what’s happened to her. She answers so clinically it’s almost hard to see the Arya we all love. Is she so blinded by revenge at this point? She seems so set on her destination to King’s Landing that we finally see a crack in her revenge armor as Hot Pie informs her that Jon and Sansa have taken Winterfell. We see her exit and instead of following the men to King’s Landing she heads toward Winterfell. MY HEART CANNOT TAKE IT. She rides and makes camp later in the day but the horse is agitated so she pulls out needle and suddenly they are surrounded by wolves.Then the biggest wolf of them all comes in and HOLY FUCK IT’S NYMERIA. ARYAS FUCKING DIREWOLF IS BACK. Arya tries to get Nymeria to come with her, but the direwolf goes and takes her pack with her. It’s sad, but also HOLY FUCK NYMERIA IS ALIVE.

game-of-thrones-season-7-stormborn-questions-4.png

The Sandsnakes are bitching in a hold in the Greyjoy’s ship. Their mother, Elia is in a room on the ship with Theon and Yara talking about the merits of Dorne. The girls flirt, and talk about how Theon will be Yara’s protector one day when she is queen. They are about to bang-o-rang when the ships come under attack. Euron Greyjoy has found them and rams his ships with theirs. Euron slams down into a ship in a strange but accurate WWE style and suddenly it’s an all out battle on board, which is a far cry from the monotony and politics of last episode. Two of the sandsnakes fight Euron and unlike their book counterparts (who would have won) they die. Yara finds Euron and they duke it out. It looks like he’s going to win when Theon finds Euron with his dagger to Yara’s throat. Theon almost becomes a hero but instead he jumps overboard like a little bitch. I only hope that he follows the ship they’ve taken Yara on and comes back as a hero. It’s so disappointing to see that he can’t get past what was done to him (then again, who can blame him?).

____________________________________________________________

Best quotes this week:

  • “You wish to know where my true loyalties lie? Not to any Queen or King, but with the people. The people who suffer under despots and prosper under just rule. The people whose hearts you aim to win. If you demand blind allegiance I respect your wishes. But if you let me live I will serve you well. I will dedicate myself to seeing you on the iron throne because I choose you. Because I know the people have no better chance than you.” Varys
  • I”m heading north, Girl. Back to winterfell. I’m finally going home. Come with me.” – Arya

Let’s not forget this gem:

Arya: This is good

Hot Pie: Do you think so? The secret is browning the butter before making the dough.

Arya: Mm, I didn’t do that.

Hot Pie: You been making pies?

Arya: One or two

Side note: She’s referring to the human pie of Walder Frey’s son’s that she made him eat before killing him. Bitch is stone cold.

Weekend Movies: Valerian or Dunkirk?

By Holly Hill @hollishillis

Valerian or Dunkirk? I had the opportunity to see both this week and if you’re still having trouble deciding I thought I’d give you a hand.

dunkirk-valerian-2

I saw Dunkirk last Monday as part of an early screening group. I see a lot of movies based on Rotten Tomatoes reviews and on Monday Dunkirk had zero reviews and Valerian had 69% percent, which is still fresh. I was pretty excited to see both. I’m a big Cara Delevingne fan on and off camera, and I loved the previews for this massive sci-fi CGI film. As of Saturday, that rating dropped from 69% to 55%, but having already seen an early showing of Dunkirk I thought why not go see Valerian too, even if it’s not the best film, it should still be entertaining right?

And I was right. Valerian has its flaws but overall it entertains. The first ten minutes of the movie are weird and uninteresting, but there is a solid chunk of the movie from after that 10 minute mark and into the first hour of the film that you can see all of the potential Valerian had.

The full movie title for this film is Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, and it’s based off a comic book series called Valerian and Laureline. Truthfully, they should have stuck with the comic book title because the entire movie is really a backdrop for how Valerian wants Laureline to marry him and she won’t because he’s a player and can’t prove his love to her. Yawn. Parts of that story line are okay though. The two have some chemistry that flows well in the beginning but by the end of the movie it falls apart. The script is kind of a mess, but the visuals make up for it a tiny bit as does Delivine’s fantastic comedic timing. Sadly, some scenes seem to exist just so Delivine can have her hair done and an outfit change (I mean she looks great so no complaining here, but get back to the story, right?)

Valerian+dane+dehaan+cara+delevingne

The script is full of telling and not showing. It’s a MOVIE, right? So SHOW me the different parts of the City of a Thousand Planets, don’t have Alex the ships smart omniscient voice (yes Alex, I swear this movie is a giant advertisement for Amazon’s Alexa) tell me about it in a monotone fashion. SHOW me that Valerian cares about Laureline, because I just got told a bunch of times out loud by him that he cares about her. But I also got zero background on the two. How long have they been partners? what’s the backstory? Why do they care so fiercely about each other?

And at the end I’m left not even wanting the story to bother showing me because I’m over it anyway. Also, Rihanna shows up for no reason so there’s that. The theater was less than half full and besides the group of teens behind me who thought every part was hilarious and fun, no one else seemed to be that into it.

Overall it was an entertaining movie, but if I hadn’t seen Dunkirk earlier in the week I would have tossed Valerian aside for the 92% rating it pulled in by Friday.

dunkirk-movie-preview-01_feature.jpg

There hasn’t been a good war film in my mind, since Fury so I was really excited for this one to come out. Director Christopher Nolan has pulled together a great cast with some notable names such as Kenneth Branagh, Tom Hardy (swoon), Cillian Murphy (swoon again), and Harry Styles (swoon, if you’re into that sort of thing). The movie takes place over a series of a day or two on the shores and the channel of Dover, England and Dunkirk France. Nolan splits the film into three parts. The Mole (essentially the shore and loading dock of Dunkirk), the sea and the air.

The film has very little dialogue and a kick ass fucking score, which builds all the suspense in the world. Get ready to jump every time a bullet or torpedo is fired. You’ll be so far on the edge of your seat by the time the action gets going, you’ll forget that nearly no words have been uttered so far.

Nolan has created fictional characters for this movies so if you’re a history buff like me, you’ll be slightly appointed that you can’t Google the characters name afterwards and find out how much of that actually  happened. Honestly though the whole thing is so damn entertaining you won’t really care all that much afterwards.

Nolan has apparently been working on this script for over a decade. He insisted that a lot of the sets be built rather than CGI created (a far cry from our previous talked about film) and you can really tell the actor’s are able to get into it because the world around them feels so real.

In the end, it depends on what type of movie you like. War or Sci-Fi? Suspense or Comedy? I liked them both, but I would have probably waited for Valerian to stream rather than seeing it in theaters if I hadn’t had the early screening of Dunkirk. The biggest disappointment of Valerian is the glimpse of the potential it had being squandered and the biggest disappointment for Dunkirk is that Tom Hardy’s face is covered for nearly the entire movie. Here’s a bit where it isn’t. Enjoy.

tom.jpg

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E01: DRAGONSTONE

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E01: DRAGONSTONE

standing.jpg

A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode One: Dragonstone

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

Dragonstone is a small island off the eastern shore of Westeros and on it is the castle of Dragonstone. It was here Daenerys grew up, and we last saw it as Stannis and his men left it to go get their asses handed to them at Winterfell. Just a fun reminder for the end of this episode, which beings as such:

Somehow we are supposed to believe that Arya’s assassin skills are so good she’s able to take on the face, body shape, and voice of Walder Frey. Am I the only one that is having a hard time believing that? No? Okay. So suspend all disbelief as she does make a fairly badass move and kill all of the Freys while wearing his face and their followers. Not a bad bit of revenge. It’s interesting to see Arya murder an entire family and the people who followed their orders while Jon is over at Winterfell sparing the families of people who betrayed him. Interesting juxtaposition.

Sansa is arguing with Jon again for some reason. He should probably listen to her more and heed her counsel and she should stop acting like she deserves to run the North and lead a war with White Walkers with zero military experience. If they’d just work together god dammit.

sad jon.jpg

Sansa wants to give the castles in the North who were for the Ramseys to new loyal families, and Jon doesn’t want to punish children for their father’s mistakes. Hard to say who’s right here. Either way those two need to start getting along. The good news is that Sansa isn’t taking any of Littlefinger’s shit either. Hard to say where her character is headed but let’s hope that Sansa and Jon can start uniting together. Tormund and Brienne are still flirting and I’m digging it to high heaven and back.

Cersei has really lost her shit as she takes counsel from her brother/ex fuck buddy, Jamie. Cersei has sent word to Jon in the North to bend the knee or she’ll come after him. With what resources? She lost her feed from Highgarden and she’s got enemies in every corner of the Kingdom, and she’s well aware of Dany headed her way too. She even knows that she’ll probably go to Dragonstore (which I don’t understand why she’s not doing anything about that one, but whatever. I guess lack of resources). Cersei has accepted Euron Greyjoy’s fleet on her side, but he wants marriage in return and Cersei refuses. He says he’ll return with a gift to change her mind. Unless it’s Tyrion’s head on a stick I’d say good luck with that. Anyone who wants to marry Cersei is clearly insane, although maybe that’s the kind of partner she needs.

Bran and Meera show up at The Wall and are let in. Not much to report there except Meera must be real tired of dragging Bran around on a sled for hundreds of miles.

At the Citadel there is a lot of soup and shit going on and a weird montague to prove it (it’s truly gag worthy). Sam is trying to find out about Dragonglass to kill white walkers, but he’s not a maester yet so he can’t go in the restricted section to read about it. Harry Potter undertones much? To top it all off Professor Slughorn tells him he can’t have access so I’m literally having Half-Blood Prince flashbacks. In the end, Sam steels some keys and reads some books to find out that there is a fuck ton of Dragonglass beneath Dragonstone. Seems kind of obvious. Also Jorah, who has greyscale, is locked up in a sick ward in the Citadel and asks Sam if Dany has arrived yet. He clearly has no fucking clue. Sam writes to Jon to let him know his future wife will soon be sitting under a bunch of Dragonglass.

game-of-thrones-slughorn-619-386

The Hound is with the brotherhood without banners, and they go back to a house where he robbed a family of their gold and food before he left them to starve. They’re skeletons now and he feels kinda bad about that so he buries them. Then he sees a vision of white walkers in the fire passing the wall where it meets the sea. Foreshadowing much?

house.jpg

In a forest somewhere, Arya happens upon Ed Sheeran who’s doing some impromptu singing. Nothing like that ginger face to take you out of the world of Game of Thrones and into that ‘what the fuck world am I in right now’ place. She sits down with him and a bunch of Lannister dudes. She jokes that she’s going to go to King’s Landing to kill the Queen and they all laugh. Weird scene, kind of hated it.

ed.jpg

I kind of hated this entire episode actually. They made us wait an entire year for cameos of Ed Sheeran and a montage of shit and soup? And we are all supposed to believe that Arya is a master assassin even though she never completed training? I mean….whatever. Game of Thrones was a show about surprises. I wholly approve of Jon coming back to live, but I feel like ever since then nothing is very surprising. This episode was entirely predictably. I need a Stark death to shock me back into a good TV show.

The saving grace of the episode is Dany arriving at Dragonstone, passing by the throne and into the war room, turning to Tyrion and saying, “Shall We Begin?” And yes, finally that is exactly what we’ve all wanted to happen for over a year now. It starts to feel like the episode has actually begun! Unfortunately the episode ends with those lines and we are left wondering what we were so excited about with this premiere.

____________________________________________________________

Best quotes this week:

  • “I don’t plan on knitting by the fire while men fight for me. I might be small and I might be a girl, but I am every bit as much a Northerner as you and I don’t need your permission to defend the North.” – Lady Mormont
  • “Here I am with a thousand ships and two good hands.” – Euron Greyjoy, just verbally slapping Jaime in the face.