Film Reviews

Cats (2019)

Cats (2019)

Directed by: Tom Hooper

Starring: Francesca Hayward and Taylor Swift

I have personally witnessed the chasms of eternal darkness. I have dipped my feet into colossal pools of unending madness. My own eyes are stained with what once could only be described as some half-glimpsed myth; a terror that should have perpetually imprisoned itself as a permanent fable of the future. This ghastly creature I am so carefully describing – as to not potentially disturb it, causing me any further harm – is 2019’s film adaptation of ‘Cats.’

What we are subjected to, immediately and relentlessly, is a musical world of such strange proportion and unbelievably hellish terror that can only be compared to the seediest areas of Tim Burton’s Gotham alleys, and Roger Rabbit Toontown hopelessness. It’s a wondrous hellscape of unnameable horror, and is filled with anthropomorphic furries decorated flagrantly and depressingly in an unfortunate CGI veneer just asking for the chair. And they sing. Oh, do they sing. And they do not stop singing.

I know what you’re thinking: this is a musical, isn’t it? Yes, it’s a musical. But this is a musical drenched morbidly in coats of a sticky and unfortunate series of mumbles and meandering murmurings. Spectral singing horrors dressed as wannabe high school thespians haunting hallways would be a less disturbing sight to behold. But this unrelenting group of yowling felines does not give you a chance to gather yourself in its diabolical hubris. Not for a moment.

While the music viciously pummels the audience into an attempted braindeath, the horrifying bodies of these “cats” maniacally gyrate and sway like a group of strippers attached crudely to an out of control state fair Tilt-a-Whirl. Taylor Swift’s character – and her abnormally human chest – was the first thing my girlfriend pointed out upon our seemingly decades-long release from the theater. Idris Elba spends most of the film dressed in some sort of trench coat before madly dropping it toward the conclusion, revealing a once-veiled contortion of muscle and fur that rivals any notable body horror scene in the last decade.

I don’t know what the flying fuck this movie was about. It’s a coke-fueled nightmare from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s fixation on T.S. Eliot’s fixation on housecats, and really, I kind of gave up researching right there. Actually, I had to Google whatever in the living hell a “jellicle” cat is, because that phrase is repeated more often throughout the film than any other. It’s infuriating how often this word is said without any explanation whatsoever, and to keep you from watching this historical misstep in cinema, I’m not going to explain what it is to you either.

The movie is a series of autobiographical introductions sung madly by each of the characters. I know this is simply how Broadway operates, but the cinematic counterpart just does not translate. This celluloid nightmare is relatively short in today’s Hollywood landscape. Somehow though, the film feels like a mucky, eternal task by the time the credits scroll. Someone clapped upon their merciful appearance, but I am holding out hope that this was some sort of sarcastic lambasting, or even celebratory relief.

This movie is now a thing that exists. It’s an unfortunate anomaly gliding terribly over unexplored swaths of the ocean, proudly sprinkling its dead skin upon us like flakes of expired fish food. I will not stoop to the shadowy depths of feline puns that many movie reviewers have (admittedly leading me to see this festering wound of a film), but I will say that this will be remembered for decades – a cult classic not deserving of the title. See this with caution. We do not deserve to be treated like this, but if masochism is your bag, have I got the movie for you.

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 42: Christmas Extravaganza! Mr. St Nick & Homeless for the Holidays

Welcome to Episode 42 of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where contributors of CinemAbysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there.

This week, we welcome our friend “Jersey Paul” for some REALLY bad Christmas movies, with Hallmark’s ‘Frasier Claus’ and the horrendous Christian Dramedy ‘Homeless for the Holidays.’ Shit, it was bad.

As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

Find this new episode and more on Spotify, iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher, Spreaker, and everywhere else you find podcasts! Just search for ‘Cinemabysmal’!

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 41: Evil Dead II & Halloween III: Season of the Witch & Jersey Paul

Welcome to Episode 41 of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where contributors of CinemAbysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there.

This week, Nick returns from “rehab” and we get spooky and discuss the Halloween classics Evil Dead II & Halloween III: Season of the Witch! We also talk about our friend Jersey Paul.

As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

Find this new episode and more on Spotify, iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher, Spreaker, and everywhere else you find podcasts! Just search for ‘Cinemabysmal’!

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 40: Troll 2 with Eric & Nadine!

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Welcome to Episode 40 of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where contributors of CinemAbysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there.

While Nick takes a creative break, Dylan and Holly welcome back Eric and Nadine to guest with us on Troll 2, the worst movie ever made. We of course also get sidetrack and talk a lot about Homeward Bound and all the VH1 shows of the early 2000s (Rock of Love, Charm School, Flavor of Love, etc.).

As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

Find this new episode and more on Spotify, iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher, Spreaker, and everywhere else you find podcasts! Just search for ‘Cinemabysmal’!

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 39: The Mermaid & Kung Fu Hustle

Welcome to Episode 39 of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where contributors of CinemAbysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there. This week, we discuss the Stephen Chow films The Mermaid and Kung Fu Hustle, and Dylan softly gripes about Dark Phoenix while Holly explains what went wrong with Game of Thrones! Check it out in our BIO! As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

Find this new episode and more on Spotify, iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher, Spreaker, and everywhere else you find podcasts!

JUST F ALREADY PODCAST – EPISODE 12: THE MINOTAUR’S KISS BY ERIN ST. CHARLES

Yo and Holly read The Minotaur’s Kiss, a BWWM paranormal romance by Erin St. Charles. You can buy it for only $3.99 on Amazon. Also, we have a full mini interview with Erin below.

We also figure out on the pod that Yo is in love, we love women characters who eat food and respect themselves, and we have a fondness for guys who turn into animals sometimes. Whatever, no shame.

The next book we are reading is RAFE: A Buff Male Nanny (Loose Ends Book 1) by Rebekah Weatherspoon. It’s only $4.99 and you can buy it here.

If you have a recommendation for what we should read next leave us an iTunes review, a comment on our Instagram, write to us on facebook or @ us on Twitter.

As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

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Our Interview with Erin St. Charles!

JustFAlready: Who is your favorite romance author?

Erin St. Charles: OH GOD! That would be like picking my favorite child! There are a few I love. I got back into reading romance with Kristen Ashley, although I don’t read her much anymore. Theodora Taylor is probably my favorite indie author right now. Shelley Laurenston is my favorite paranormal author. Her stories are hilarious!

JustFAlready: What made you first want to write paranormal romance?

Erin St. Charles: Whenever I try to write a contemporary romance, my characters wind up being secret shifters, or conjure women, or succubi, or maybe genetically engineered super soldiers. I think the real world just doesn’t interest me. 😀

JustFAlready: Where do you draw inspiration from?

Erin St. Charles: My stories tend to be about social issues and the overarching theme that everyone deserves love. I’m a woman of color, and my late father had marched with Dr. King back in the day, so my stories tend to draw on minority experiences which, at the end of the day, is what shifter stories tend to be about.

JustFAlready: Do you self publish? What do you love about self publishing?

Erin St. Charles:I do self-publish, and I love it! I like the immediate gratification of writing something, getting it edited, having the covers made, the whole nine yards. My background is corporate marketing communications and promotions, and I have fun with the marketing aspects of indie publishing.

JustFAlready: Favorite Star Trek character?

Erin St. Charles: This is complicated. I have seen all the movies and shows. My favorite characters (in no particular order) are: Captain Sisko, Major Kira, Spock, Worf, 7 of 9, Captain Picard, Michael Burnham, and Tucker from “Enterprise.” Tucker influenced Bubba Cermak, a fan favorite from my series.

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 37: Bad Crime

Welcome to Episode 37 of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where contributors of CinemAbysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there. This week, we talk terrible crime movies, with Gotti and The Man! Check it out in our BIO! As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

Find this new episode and more on Spotify, iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher, Spreaker, and everywhere else you find podcasts!