Film Reviews

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 17: Howard the Duck and Twin Peaks: The Return

Welcome to the 17th episode of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where the three writers of cinemabysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there. This week, we discuss the terrible Marvel mishap, Howard the Duck, and the newest season of Twin Peaks! Check it out on all your favorite apps below! As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

iTunes – https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cinemabysmal/id1153464020?mt=2

Google Play Music – https://play.google.com/music/m/Irjld24rxpsi22hdnugilmxh57u?t=CinemAbysmal

Stitcher – https://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=128435&refid=asa

Spreaker – http://www.spreaker.com/show/cinemabysmals-show

You can also find us on BeyondPod! Just search for CinemAbysmal.

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Ed Wood Jesus Do? Podcast – Suspiria

Written and directed by Dario Argento, Suspiria tells of young American ballet dancer, Suzy Bannion, as she enrolls in a famed German dance academy, and discovers the deep dark secrets behind the veil. It is absolute essential viewing for all horror fanatics and transcends the limitations of the genre with a gorgeous score and illuminating colors.

The Ed Wood Jesus Do? team run you through all its intricacies, dull plot points, and killer interpretations in this latest episode available on SpreakerGoogle Play Music, and Itunes, as well as all the other places pods are incubating.

 

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 15: Earth Girls Are Easy and Mac & Me

Welcome to the 15th episode of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where the three writers of cinemabysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there. Special guest Brandon Michael Barker joins us to discuss 80’s classics Earth Girls Are Easy & Mac and Me! Check it out on all your favorite apps below! As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

iTunes – https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cinemabysmal/id1153464020?mt=2

Google Play Music – https://play.google.com/music/m/Irjld24rxpsi22hdnugilmxh57u?t=CinemAbysmal

Stitcher – https://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=128435&refid=asa

Spreaker – http://www.spreaker.com/show/cinemabysmals-show

You can also find us on BeyondPod! Just search for CinemAbysmal.

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E07: THE DRAGON AND THE WOLF

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E07: THE DRAGON AND THE WOLF

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A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Seven: The Dragon and The Wolf

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

Thanks for waiting a day for this recap and reading it anyway! What a SEASON. See ya next year.

While the world spent the weekend engrossed in two men fighting in a ring and the Game of Thrones season finale, I was camping in a smoky wood covered in ash with no cell service, contemplating why I chose this weekend of all weekends to be without internet. Nevertheless, I made it back to civilization today and the first thing I did was sit down and watch this hour and half long episode of Game of Thrones. Apologies for the lateness, but let’s get into this.

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Let’s start at Winterfell where the majority of my anxiety was this season. I so desperately wanted to believe that Sansa and Arya were playing this game together, but years of thinking characters were smarter than they are has only led me to disappointment so I kept my expectations low with this one and was fully ready for Sansa to possibly somehow get murdered (let’s be honest, no one is killing Arya). When Sansa brought Arya into the hall surrounded by guards and read chargers out loud I was hoping the charges were for Littlefinger, but I was keeping the option open of Arya just killing her sister at this point. I was very excited that the writers chose to actually give Sansa some brains this time around and indeed charge Littlefinger with treason and murder. Arya takes Littlefinger’s knife and slashes his throat, much to the approval of everyone in the room and at home on the couch. Now the sister’s wait for Jon to arrive with Dany.

At King’s Landing, every main character besides Arya and Sansa meet at the old Dragon pits. The Hound confronts his brother, The Mountain, and essentially let’s him know that he is eventually looking forward to killing him. No Cleganebowl yet guys. Soon.

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Dany shows up on her dragon, which doesn’t seem to phase Cersei at all (love that bitch sometimes), and she seems utterly bored by the entire ordeal until they throw a white walker in her face. Then she’s like, ‘oh my unborn incest child might be in trouble!’, really solidifying the fact that she is an insanely selfish and terrible leader. Euron Greyjoy nopes out the second he sees the white walker, taking his fleet with him, and Cersei agrees to help fight the dead only if Jon refuses to bend the knee to Dany. Jon makes the best decision he can in regards to which decision will get him laid. He tells Cersei he can’t serve two queens and she gets up without making a deal and walks away.

Tyrion goes to right Jon’s mess, facing Cersei alone. They talk and she eventually agrees to help them fight the dead. Oh how simple and lovely! Like anyone believed that for a second at home on the couch, while everyone on screen believed it like Cersei is the most selfless person ever. Jamie prepares the Lannister army, but Cersei interrupts and tells him not to. She is going to keep everyone here and let Dany take care of the dead. She says that she has the Iron Bank behind her and the Golden Company will join them. Euron didn’t actually take off due to fright, he went to go pick up the army. Love that Cersei always has a plan, even when it’s insane. Jamie thinks she’s really lost her mind now (wow, finally), and goes to leave. Cersei threatens the Mountain on him, but Jamie knows she could never kill him. He makes it out of King’s Landing presumably to meet up with Brienne and the gang.

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Sam shows up in Winterfell to talk to Jon, but instead gets Bran. Good old Sam is all smiles and kindness even when faced with the insanity that is now 3EB. Bran tells Sam that Jon is actually the bastard son of Lyanna Stark and Dany’s brother, Rhaegar Targaryen. Sam is says that actually he’s the legit son because he remembers everything, including last episode when Gilly was talking mad boring shit about Rhaegar’s annulment so he could marry Lyanna. Thanks for spelling out out nice and neat in case there was any doubt, writers. Also his real name is Aegon Targaryen.

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Bran dubs him the true heir to the Iron Throne, and I’d normally be concerned about how Dany is going to take that, but she is taking him, I mean it, juuuuuussssstttt fine as the two get it the fuck on, while Tyrion strangely observes the entire thing from behind a door. Also, let’s take a moment to reflect on Kit Harrington’s amazing butt. Dany says she can’t get pregnant, but I bet Jon’s sperm will have something to say about that. So if Cersei is pregnant and Dany is pregnant does that mean we will have two baby’s born of incest in the near future? How is one good and the other is bad? The excuse of “this is just how the Targaryens do it” isn’t going to keep being a valid thing people say.

Insert some stuff about Theon beating a man to death to get the men loyal to Yara to go save her:

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The episode ends at the Wall, where Tormund is keeping watch (hope he’s okay!) as the Army of the Dead finally makes it to the edge. The ice dragon shows up, and the Night King rides him along the wall, having the dragon shoot blue flames at the wall of ice, breaking it down completely. The episode ends with the wall crumbling and the army walking past it. Shti is going down for the final season of Game of Thrones, out sometime next year.

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Hope you’ll join me then!

In the meantime, check Cinemabysmal Radio’s THREE podcasts, and check back on the site regularly for awesome movie and tv reviews.

Best quotes this week:

  • Sansa: When the snows fall and the white winds blow the lone wolf ies, but the pack survives.
  • Bran: Jon is Aegon targaryen. The rightful heir of the Iron Throne.
  • Brienne: Fuck honor and oaths.

Ed Wood Jesus Do? – Lemon

Film: Lemon (2017)

Directed by Janizca Bravo. Written by Bravo and Brett Gelman.

Available for rent OnDemand, Amazon Video, & Google Play. 

this shit was written by eric

Lemon is a 2017 film directed by Janizca Bravo about a man struggling in every aspect of his life.  Isaac, played to great effect by Brett Gelman, is a theatre director whose long-term blind girlfriend is cheating on him, his prized student is getting better gigs, and his own acting career exists in short unheard monologues of mid-nineties New York.  His family exists as an array of unhinged neuroses ranging from their son’s inability to move furniture without scratching the walls to the shame of having his face featured as the poster boy for those suffering with Hep C. The film is a beautiful trip and does a great job of stripping away the indie man-child dramedy streamlined in the 2000s by Noah Baumbach and Wes Anderson.

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I was delighted to see Brett Gelman star in this film, as I have been a fan of his comedically creepy characters for years. He has had bit parts and side-character spots on random TV shows, and he certainly does not disappoint in this film. His performance is dry and despicable and he rides the very difficult line between pseudo-poignancy and complete contemptibility with great aplomb. Bravo in her own right, is an incredible artist and photographer. She directed a short film in 2013, starring Michael Cera entitled Gregory Go Boom, which felt like Gummo meets Napoleon Dynamite, but better, and she also published a photo series with Vice called TOUPEE between 2011 and 2012 with Gelman starring as her muse, which was equal parts quirky and charming. (He also wrote the accompanying story.)

The film itself boasts an amazing look and feel. Much of the comedy is derived from the incredibly awkward interactions between pompous Isaac and the rest of the world. He is a character trapped in the metaphysical ramblings of theatrical “processes,” and his only passion comes from berating the “lesser” actress Tracy (Gillian Jacobs). Funnily enough, he even pawns that job off to Alex, played stunningly well by Michael Cera. What we are left with is a film about an artist who is so wrapped up in his own “art” that he forgets how to interact with other humans. It is very reminiscent of Caden Cotard in 2009’s Synecdoche, New York, and also draws so well from many other sources. There are bits of surrealism that seem sponged from Quentin Dupieux’s milieu, the social awkwardness of an LA in competition with itself from Curb Your Enthusiasm, and the real messy bits about confronting your own human emotions, as is seen in the films of Yorgos Lanthimos. It also has the yellow coloring and gorgeous soundtrack you’ve grown accustomed to seeing in a Paolo Sorrentino flick.

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Though drawing from very different artistic realms, the film feels wholly of itself. It has an Anti-Hero who isn’t fully a hero, because there is perhaps no part of the film in which he takes full advantage of his agency, and in many ways, the film follows suit. There is so much action that takes place off-screen. It is as though we are watching the downfall of a human Plinko disc, just bouncing off interactions and scenarios and experiences with no true will of his own. Even in the scene where Isaac attempts to intimidate Alex with a knife, Alex appears more off-put and annoyed than frightened. You could not see a lazier, more reluctant fight than the one between these two. In fact, he is so lazy, he can’t even muster enough energy to sing “A Million Matzo Balls” with his family, which is the most entertaining, vividly gorgeous, and downright fun scene in the entire film. In fact, the only time he ever really acts at all is at the hallucinated behest of his new love-interest Cleo’s grandmother, in which he runs her wheelchair down the street in an attempt to help her escape after having a few strokes.

Lemon is an absolute delight that will affect your brain for days to come. I wholeheartedly look forward to seeing more films from Bravo in the future. The music and sound design is thrilling and evocative, and this is a film not to be missed.  

 

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E06: BEYOND THE WALL

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E06: BEYOND THE WALL

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A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Six: Beyond the Wall

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

Next week’s Recap episode will be a day late! Look for it next Monday night. In a way that’s good though? Makes us a day closer to season eight!

Arya and Sansa are fighting again. Instead of…I don’t know…talking to each other? Littlefinger has it all worked out and manipulates Arya into a fight with Sansa over her loyalty to her family. Sansa consults in Littlefinger who suggests that Sansa involve Brienne who swore loyalty to Catelyn Stark to protect her daughters…even from each other. Instead, Sansa sends Brienne to King’s Landing in her stead. Apparently Cersei invited Sansa down to ‘talk’ and she makes Brienne go instead. Not sure how any of this helps Sansa….or Arya….or Littlefinger. Even Brienne looks confused AF and I don’t believe for a second that Cersei would invite Sansa anywhere because she would bore Cersei to death. So something is up.

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Sansa goes snooping in Arya’s room and finds her dead people masks. Arya essentially threatens her. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? The character development for Arya here doesn’t make sense. Either Sansa and Arya are actually in alliance (although the evidence against this is becoming overwhelming) or all that training Arya did doesn’t make her see she is falling into Littlefinger’s trap. And Sansa has become this crazy power hungry nightmare? I hate them both right now. The other option is that Arya has already killed Littlefinger and is pretending to be him. Which would be kind of insane.

Tyrion tries to consult Dany, but he goes about it in entirely the wrong way. The conversations starts civilly discussing how to meet with Cersei if she accepts the invitation. Tyrion teases Dany about her obvious boner for Jon. Then he brings up the idea of her successor to the throne if Dany dies. WHY TYRION. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SMARTER THAN THIS. First this dip shit plan with Cersei and trusting Jaime and now THIS. Come on dude. Dany leaves the meeting unhappy with her Hand and the audience leaves it unhappy with him as well.

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North of the wall, hilarious conversation ensues with The Hound and Tormund discussing Brienne. Tormund talks about the strong children they’re going to have together and The Hound remembers fighting her. Gendry is cold and whiny and The Hound makes fun of him for it. Jon and Jorah discuss the sword Jorah’s father gave Jon. Jon tries to give it back, but Jorah lets him have it. Through the snow, they see two blue eyes and it turns out to be a giant white walker polar bear. They kill it with fire, but not before The Hound is horrified (mostly by the fire) and a few no name people with them die from it.

They happen upon a small group of White Walkers and manage to kill all but one. They trap it but not before being overrun by a huge group of White Walkers. They kill the main white walker and somehow it kills all the other ones. So that’s helpful information to know. They make it to the middle of a lake that the Walkers don’t’ want to cross because it’s half frozen. Gendry makes it away to the Wall to send a raven to Dany for help. Tyrion advises that it’s too risky, but Dany wants some of that hot Jon Snow ass and refuses to let him die. Eventually a battle ensues and just when things start to look bad, Dany shows up with her Dragons.

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The main White Walker, The Night King, takes one of his ice spears and kills one of the dragons, as it falls into the icy lake. Dany is horrified and manages to get everyone out alive except Jon. Beric, The Hound, and Jorah take their White Walker prisoner and get on the Dragon with Dany as she exits with her two remaining dragons. Jon is left behind and it looks like he’s going to die when his Uncle Benjen shows up and distracts the Walkers, giving Jon his horse to ride back to the wall (again, weird, but it’s such a strange plot point I’m gonna gloss over it). Dany watches him arrive with a full on lady boner.

Later, Jon awakes and Dany is hanging out lookin’ at him naked (essentially). She sees his death scars from the stabbings he took. Jon calls her ‘Dany’ and she doesn’t like that (too bad Imma keep doing it, maybe you should try having an easier name to spell). Jon says, ‘How about ‘My Queen’ then?” And she splooshes everywhere. They hold hands for a bit, very risque, and essentially solidify their ever growing love.

Oh, and remember that dead polar bear? Remember how animals can become White Walkers? REMEMBER. The last scene we are left with is the Night King, dragging the dragon’s body out of the frozen lake and, you guessed it, now we have A DRAGON WHITE WALKER WHAT. So….does it breathe ice? This is A Song of Ice and Fire guys!

Best quotes this week:

  • Gendry: How do you keep your balls from freezing off?

Tormund: You gotta keep moving. That’s the secret. Walkin’s good, fighting’s better, fucking’s best.

  • Dany: Jon Snow’s not in love with me

Tyrion: Oh, my mistake. I suppose he stares at you longingly because he’s hopeful for a successful military alliance.

  • Beric: We’ll meet again Clegane.

Hound: I fucking hope not.

New Ed Wood Jesus Do? Podcast Episode

Head on over to Spreaker and check out the latest episode of the Ed Wood Jesus Do? Podcast in which the podcrew jump head on into that milky sex pool to dissect the film, production, and idiosyncrasies of Eraserhead, David Lynch’s 1977 student film that took the Midnight Movie world by storm and propelled its director into the art film limelight. Come peep this perfect film with us and don’t even try to skip this episode.

Also available on Itunes and Google Play.