CinemAbysmal’s Best of 2017 – Movies

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Well, here we are! We’ve come to the end of another year, and the hosts of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast are here to round up their favorites. We’ve included some surprises, like some stuff showed on (gasp) television! Amazing writers and directors are choosing this medium over Hollywood lately, so get over it. Anyway, enjoy the picks and let us know if you agree with the selections or want to let us know about any of yours!

Holly Hill

10. Logan Lucky

9. Thor: Ragnarok

8. Guardians of the Galaxy 2

7. Logan

6. It

legion

5. Legion (FX)

4. Ladybird

3. Baby Driver

2. Blade Runner 2049

dunkirk

1. Dunkirk

 

Eric Lemons

10. Baby Driver

While I will contend that this film is style packed on to very little substance, the style is enough to carry this fucking joy of a film. Ansel Inglberghumperdink kills it, though every shot looks like a different actor. Wright is the king of this kind of movie and a heist flick is always welcome in the Lemons Casa.

9. Life

This is a brutal fucking film that takes the Alien film and turns it on its microscopic head. Boasting a boring title and a lackluster ad campaign, this film snuck under many noses as just more space peril, but the stellar cast and nihilistic viewpoint thrive in this earth-shattering, intense horror sci-fi flick.

8. Raw

Sure it is French and not as fucked as we could imagine a French horror being, but the thrill of this film comes from the humanity within it. Focusing on a vet student with a lust for human flesh, we see the making of a monster in her most vulnerable and interesting state: maturation.

7. Logan Lucky

Soderbergh is officially king of making films better than they have to be in  this rural heist movie; a genre that produces at least one interesting film a year. The film is funny, inventive, and builds around a story of idiots making smart moves.

6. It

Pennywise is back in this 80s remake that feels fresh and new, despite rehashing the same King notes down the line.

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5. Kong: Skull Island

A frolicking flick for fans of 70s creature horror and Vietnam action fare. A nice mix of old school fun and new school aesthetics bring out the best in a revival of the Kong series.

4. John Wick 2

Easily the most fun I had watching a film all year. Non-stop action pours out and rubs against your legs in a manner that would be creepy if it weren’t so beautiful.

3. The Bad Batch

KEY-AH-NEW! We get more Keanu as he plays a minor villain (?) in a story of a girl caught between warring factions in a dystopic wasteland. Cast, thrills, and story is a lovely morality tale in a land without morality.

2. Blade Runner 2049

Denis Villanueve fucks us all real hard and good in bringing to life the future of Ridley Scott’s world in a film that is brilliant on its own before blasting your mind brain apart with its connections to the 1985 classic.

ghost

1. A Ghost Story

Every couple years comes a film that blows your heart apart and depicts some epiphany about the world around us. It changes the way you speak to your loved ones and the way you see yourself. A Ghost Story is that film 100 times over. A triumph unlike anything else.

 

Nick Spanjer

Just Missed the Cut:

  • Kong: Skull Island
  • Wonder Woman
  • Silence
  • Thor: Ragnarok
  • Okja

10. The Bad Batch

As far as straight-up coolness goes, no film matched this one in 2017. Between the literal trippy scenes, the music, and the jaw-dropping cinematography, this almost alternate dimension, post-apocalyptic thrill ride is sure to quench any action fiend’s thirst. Plus, Jim Carrey being weird as fuck.

9. Marjorie Prime

Holy shit. This is one crazy good flick. Jon Hamm is a hologram. Tim Robbins is at his best since The Shawshank Redemption. Geena Davis’ performance will tear your heart out. If you’re easily upset by dementia and Alzheimer’s in film, this one will probably get to you. It’s a little too indie to catch any awards action, but if I had a vote, I’d be all over this little wonder.

8. A Ghost Story

Oof. Speaking of having your heart torn out. Yeah, yeah, Casey Affleck is an asshole. Don’t fear, though. He spends most of the film under an actual bed sheet. That is beside the point of this incredible movie, though. Casual movie watchers beware: this is not a horror film. There’s hardly any dialogue for long stretches of time. But what it says about us as humans and the mark we leave on those we love is just heart-wrenching. Absolutely beautiful movie.

7. The Big Sick

I finally got around to watching this movie today after hearing about it nonstop for the last year. Oh man. I really dig Woody Allen films, and though this movie reminded me of Allen’s golden age in the late 70’s, it’s something entirely different. With that signature Apatow feel, this true life story between Nanjiani and wife Emily Gordon is funny as hell at times, and gut-wrenching at others. Also, they could not have gotten a better cast together for this. Zoe Kazan is amazing, Ray Romano is hilarious, Holly Hunter kills it, and god damn. Who knew Kumail Nanjiani could carry a film in a lead role? Also, Michael Fucking Showalter directed this! Looking forward to his new career path. Upsetting to see this got snubbed at the Golden Globes, but I recommend this one for anyone that’s enjoyed any Judd Apatow or Woody Allen films.

6. Legion (FX)

I know. It’s TV. But fuck, watch these 8 ‘episodes’ (creator/god Noah Hawley calls them ‘Chapters’) all together and it’s one of the coolest movies you’ll ever see. Yes, it’s Marvel. But it’s nothing like you’ll ever see in that universe. The music is incredible and the cinematography is one of my favorites in anything that I’ve ever seen. I’m fairly sure I watched the seventh chapter four times, and it’s absolutely thrilling to watch. Speaking of snubs, where the hell is Aubrey Plaza’s nomination? Seriously though, check this out if you haven’t yet. It’s essential.

LOGAN

5. Logan

Wow, man. I waited too long to see this one. I love Westerns, and this – though it’s a Marvel film – is one of the best Westerns I’ve ever seen. There’s no cowboys, but there’s pretty much everything else. I really dig James Mangold’s 3:10 to Yuma and Cop Land, and the Rated R feel is perfect in this. It’s different than Deadpool, as much of this film is not funny at all, but the violence seems to never let up. I think Patrick Stewart delivers one of the best performances of his career, not to mention Hugh Jackman’s stellar and heartfelt spin as Wolverine. I know that Disney just power-grabbed Fox, but I’m really hoping we’ll get more R-rated superhero flicks. We deserve it.

4. Get Out

There’s not much to say about this flick that hasn’t already been said. So instead, I’ll just tell you how it made me feel. I have never been more uncomfortable sitting in a movie theater. At times, Jordan Peele’s funny side shows, but it’s more like nervous laughter than anything else. Peele designed the film this way, knowing white dudes all over the country were going to be watching it. I sunk lower and lower in my chair as the movie progressed, and though the movie isn’t particularly scary, the chills are incredibly effective in other ways. One of the better metaphorical film packages I’ve ever seen. Jordan Peele directing is going to be pretty damn awesome for years.

3. It

I really don’t like going to movie theaters, but I couldn’t pass this one up. So I went twice. Pennywise has been in my life since I was a kid, and I just read the book again last summer to refresh myself for the film. Though I like to fantasize what the first part of this two-headed monster could have been with Fukanaga at the helm, I think Muschietti did a damn fine job bringing history’s most horrifying clown to life. One of the most important things to remember with Pennywise is that It is not just a clown. It’s an interdimensional being out of time as we know it, and this film captures that perfectly. Not to mention, holy shit, some of the finest kid acting I’ve ever seen. I love this damn movie and can’t wait for Part Two.

2. Blade Runner 2049

I noticed that all three of us made this our second favorite film of the year. And if it weren’t for the next one, it would have been my favorite by far. I really dig the original movie, but everyone knows that it’s got its share of problems. Not 2049. This movie is perfect in every single way. Gosling was the perfect choice as the lead, his performance muted, yet commanding. Ford is great as an older Deckard, but the performances are just a small part of this gigantic event. The music, cinematography, story – everything is absolute perfection in this. From beginning to end, I was floored in its scope. Villenueve may be the greatest living director we have…but he’ll have to wait for this next guy to leave the throne first.

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1. Twin Peaks: The Return (Showtime)

It’s not technically a movie. I know. But fuck off. It is filmed like a movie, and it’s the weirdest, most fucked up, absolutely beautiful thing we’re ever going to get in a theater or a television set. I’ve been waiting for a return to Twin Peaks for most of my life (not to mention a return from David Lynch doing anything), and now that I’ve finished this round, I don’t think I could be more satisfied. No, it wasn’t the same Twin Peaks. Like, even a little. But what we got instead was David Lynch free to do whatever the fuck he wanted for 18 hours and it is the most batshit insanity he’s ever produced. It’s violent, maddening, ridiculous, beautiful – just one of the craziest things that has ever been produced in any medium. I love that Showtime did this and hope it opens doors for other creative geniuses. Kyle Maclachlan turns in one of the greatest performances of not just his career, but television and film history as not just Dale Cooper, but three brand new characters. And don’t even get me started on Part Eight. This is the greatest hour I’ve ever seen on television, and may be the best and most Lynch piece that Lynch has done in his illustrious career. Fight me. I could legitimately go on for hours about his glorious cinematic event, and if you know me personally, you’ve probably caught some of it already. I’ll leave it here, though: we’re never going to get anything as insane as this again. So if you get a chance, sit down for a weekend and crush this. It’s the best and craziest “movie” you’ll ever see.

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CinemAbysmal’s Best of 2017 – Music

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We here at CinemAbysmal value art of all kinds, so it felt right to have our members produce a Best of Music list. While we were only able to coax three of them to produce lists, there’s enough here to keep your Spotify busy for an entire weekend – oh yeah, there’s also links at the end of each list to our members’ Best Of 2017 playlists. Party on!

 

Eric Scot Lemons (Ed Wood Jesus Do? co-host, CinemAbysmal: The Podcast co-host, CinemAbysmal Managing Editor)

10. Twin Peaks: The Return Soundtrack

Jam packed with bands like The Chromatics, The Chromatics, and the Nine Inch Nails, David Lynch reaffirms himself as the mixtape messiah. Kick sand, QT. Boasting lyrics and sounds that highlight the dark brooding nature of the series, this album is an essential for anyone still combing over the fragments of TP:TR.

Favorite Track: Wild West (Roadhouse Mix) by Lissie

9. Fever Ray – Plunge

There perhaps isn’t a better artist than Karin Dreijer when it comes to conveying such an esoteric mood as eloquently as possible. This follow-up to The Knife vocalist’s 2009 Self-Titled album brings forth the same raw energy, poetic hypnotism, and kickass beats, with a refreshed element of clean and seductive wrath.

Favorite Track: To the Moon and Back

8. Fleet Foxes – Crack-Up

This year’s nomination for best slow fuck album. Just lay out on a bear skin rug with a crackling fire roaring, and let your lover see your soul. With a meandering sound, Fleet Foxes return with a sonic depth to accompany Robin Pecknold’s autumnal voice. Its looser song structure lends itself to vinyl play, feeling almost ambient yet folktastically proggy.

Favorite Track: Third of May / Odaigahara

7. Open Mike Eagle – Brick Body Kids Still Daydream

Mike Eagle is an indie underground hip-hop poet avant gardist comedian. BBKSD is a glorious mix of spoken-word-esque flow and vocal backings that simultaneously feel timeless and fresh. There is no other album this year that enveloped me so thoroughly in its perspective.

Favorite Track: Hymnal (Featuring Sammus)

6. IDLES – Brutalism

IDLES was my surprise new favorite band for much of 2017. The album is dirty and angry, and the vocals sound so raspy and untethered to anything but rage. Vocalist Joe Talbot sounds like some mad man plucked from ranting on the street corner to front the band. And while there is a certain stream-of-consciousness outsider art element to the vocals, the music production is so fucking tight that the whole production makes you want to roll in the mud and punch your dad.

Favorite Track: 1049 Gotho

5. Future Islands – The Far Field

Truth be told, this is easily the album to which I listened the most in 2017. While not venturing too far stylistically from 2014’s Singles, TFF captures so much more angst and longing to go along with the band’s pop rock sensibilities. It is fun and dancy, and layered with enough melancholia to enrapture a reformed emo fan like me.

Favorite Track: Ran

4. Perfume Genius – No Shape

For years, Perfume Genius has sort of just existed in my periphery, and I never really attached myself to Mike Hadreas’ music. No Shape changed everything. Rife with a resolute bombasity, Perfume Genius brings the big guns with introspective power ballads and a heightened beauty in the production of this album. This is one I could see being my favorite album of 2017 ten years from now.

Favorite Track: Wreath

3. Brand New – Science Fiction

I have been a Brand New fan since I was in high school and singing Jude Law and the Summer Abroad in my head, as I looked over to the girl I had a crush on with her boyfriend. I am now 33 and happily married, but the lachrymose drenched lyrics of Brand New still hits me right in the sweet spot. Science Fiction is a subtle exploration in intentions versus actions, and the disillusionment that your thirties bring.

Favorite Track: Can’t Get It Out

2. Blanck Mass – World Eater

For much of 2017, I was resigned to the fact that World Eater was one of the greatest things I have ever heard. It is dark, dirty, and complex. It is an industrial EDM album from one half of EDM kingpins, Fuck Buttons, Benjamin John Power. It is an album I know inside and out thoroughly, and I find it consistently revelatory and refreshing. Put on some fucking headphones, light up the rankest of indicas, and see whatever deity presents itself in the meantime.

Favorite Track: Rhesus Negative

mrheav

1. Mister Heavenly,  Boxing the Moonlight

Full disclosure: For years, I have been a raging Nick Thorburn fan. From The Unicorns to the Serial theme, I just dig his style. That being said, I kinda shrugged of the release of the latest album by Mister Heavenly, one of Thorburn’s many side bands. The second album from the band, Boxing the Moonlight is just one of those albums in which every fucking song is a winner. Whether it be a meditation on physical stimuli versus internal living, or finding excuses not to dance, BtM is a vastly underrated indie pop album from indie pop all-stars. It is fun, light, and heavy all at the same time.

Favorite Track: Beat Down

Eric’s Best of 2017 Spotify Playlist: Eric didn’t make one, so here’s a link to his entire Spotify. He’d probably want you to pore over everything he’s listening to anyway…  https://open.spotify.com/user/ericsubpar?si=Ed2KW3yCSySToZcW8_-Mfg

 

Ian Miles (Ed Wood Jesus Do? co-host, CinemAbysmal: The Podcast guest)

10. Slothrust – Everyone Else

The only reason this album is at the bottom of the list is because it actually was released at the end of 2016, but I didn’t hear it until this year and I have spent so many hours listening to this on repeat, that can’t let it slip out of my top albums of the year.

Favorite Track: Horseshoe Crab might be my favorite song of the year.

9. Full of Hell – Trumpeting Ecstasy 

I’ve been pretty into Full of Hell for a while, but they truly outdid themselves with this album. If this were a book, you could open it to any random page and point to any passage, and you would always find the perfect aural description of anger. This album is blindingly pissed.

Favorite Track: My favorite track is Crawling Back to God.

8. Feral Anthem – Empire & Plain

If young Bruce Springsteen was imbued with the spirit of later-in-life Joe Strummer, you not only would come up with the sagest and most handsome songwriting mixture of all time, but you would also come up short in finding a good comparison for Feral Anthem. Just as not only is Jeremy Rouse a friend of mine, his music is colorful, inspiring, warm and undeniably American.

Favorite Track: White Swan Church is the goddamn jam!!!

7. Uniform – Wake in Fright

Deathwave? The child of Alien Sex Fiend and Dark Throne? Depeche Mode, Nine Inch Nails and Throbbing Gristle in a blender? I don’t know what to say about this album! It’s not for the faint of heart, that’s for sure. It’s dancy and industrial, but produced like a middle finger to your ears.

Favorite Track: My favorite tracks are Habit and The Lost.

6. Fever Ray – Plunge

My love affair with Karin Dreijer-Andersson is no secret! It was impossible for me to not put this on my top ten as I have a portrait of her tattooed on my arm. Fever Ray’s self-titled album was a game changer in my life. I began to hear music differently after its release, and I want to put this album higher on the list, but I have to admit that isn’t my favorite KDA release. Don’t get me wrong, I love it but it feels like leftovers from the last The Knife release. It seems to me rather impersonal, which drives the wedge between myself and this one, but I also know that this isn’t an album for me. I’m a heterosexual white male, and the primary function feels to be an act of sexual liberation for anyone marginalized by the members of my particular gender and station. I can appreciate and support it until I’m blue in the face, but like I said, this album was not made with regard for me. It does have some bangers, though!!!!

Favorite Track: Falling is sexy and empowering, and This Country is an anthem and a half!

5. King Krule – The Ooz

This jazzy, no-wave opiate of an album recalls Portishead and Suicide. Really interesting sonically and lyrically. It feels like a memory from a blacked-out pub crawl, but you can’t figure where or what part of the night it took place.

Favorite Track: I kind of like all the songs on the record equally but special mention should go to Biscuit Town and The Locomotive.

4. Alex Cameron – Forced Witness

This is the sophomore release from Australia’s king of sleaze. When I first heard this album, I was so put off by its shiny pop production but just like his first album, Jumping the Shark, his poignant lyrics began to paint undeniable portraits of such dirtbags and windows into despair, that I couldn’t help but invest more and more. Alex’s characters and tales are so dirty and charming, you can’t help but feel something for them.

Favorite Track: Choice gems are True Lies, Stranger’s Kiss, and Country Figs.

3. King Woman – Created in the Image of Suffering

This was one of those big game changing albums for me. I know there are other folksy metallic gothic Americana out there, but I think King Woman has really defined this doom folk for me. This whole album exists on this untouchable plain where sadness and crushing power meet Kristina Esfandiari’s vocals. Ethereal and iconoclastic at times, she is a howling crone and at other times, she’s a child-like angel frosting the cold and beautiful landscapes of guitar and drums and space.

Favorite Track: Hierophant is my favorite.

2. White Wine – Killer Brilliance

Another musical hero of mine, Joe Haege. I’ve been following this guy’s music for years through 31Knots and Menomena, but I think he’s more than found his ultimate form with White Wine, a project it seems that has gone from an experimental bedroom project with samplers and acoustic guitars, to a full-grown-force of a band of whose grooves are dark, and laden with worldly insight. This album is full of personal philosophies in regards to our technological and human climate, and wild mid-tempo aural textures that are frenetic, nervous, and jam-packed with vaudevillian drama. The sounds are reminiscent of the post-modern masterpieces of the Akira and Blade Runner soundtracks; there are live drums, woodwinds and brutalist synthesizers, as well as orchestral samples. As a whole, the album is scary but approachable like a handsome cyborg in a dark alley?

Favorite Track: Don’t skip a track.

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1. Corbin – Mourn

Originally 14 year-old Corbin Smidzik released music under the name Spooky Black, which I lumped into a group with artists like Yung Lean and other sad boi shit-hop, and I’ll admit that when this new album started appearing on different Spotify radio stations, I found myself immediately skipping the songs as soon as they came on. Then I heard Revenge Song and was floored. I decided to give this album a not so passive listen and I’m so glad I did. This kid has got some soul! The music is fantastically simple, lo-fi and tasteful, and the vocals are not just your run of the mill R&B or Vaporwave – meandering but candid, full-throated, and earnest.

Favorite Track: Prime cuts are All Out, Ice Boy, Mourn, No Title, Give Up, Hunker Down… all of them! Every song on this album is a banger!!!!!

Ian’s Best of 2017 Spotify Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/seriouslyian/playlist/2MrmurqWk7uctzIPMgeidq?si=w4ZBzChWSXa1_aT3MlyDxQ

 

 

Nick Spanjer (CinemAbysmal Editor, Ed Wood Jesus Do? co-host, CinemAbysmal: The Podcast co-host)

I’m a huge metalhead, and normally I need to supplement my year-end list with non-metal releases. Not this year. Brutalists’ brims have boiled over with incredible releases in 2017 and I’ve never had a more difficult time putting together a top ten. I had over 20 albums ready to go as potential contenders, so here’s my agonizingly difficult top ten in metal for 2017.

Just Missed the Cut:

  • All Pigs Must Die – Hostage Animal
  • Black Anvil – As Was
  • Nova Collective – The Further Side

10. The Faceless – In Becoming a Ghost

I’ve been a fan of these guys since their beginning. Their evolution is crazy, and the leader and only consistent member, Michael Keene, is a bit of a self-obsessed douchebag, but he lets it all out on this new one. The time signatures are insane, when it’s heavy, it’s really heavy, and there are some ridiculously pretty jams on here. Check it out.

Favorite Track: Cup of Mephistopholes

9. Woe – Hope Attrition

If you want some Trump-era anger, crush your speakers with this one. It’s a black metal-soaked aggrofest that is turned up to 11 from beginning to end. Only one album felt angrier this year, but it’s like comparing Bill O’Reilly screaming We’ll Do It Live! to Bobby Knight throwing a chair at referees. Smash everything in sight with this one blaring. Then start it over when it ends.

Favorite Track: Drown Us with Greatness

8. Rings of Saturn – Ultu Ulla

What hasn’t been said about these guys? Since their mind-blowing debut back in 2011, I haven’t really seen a band catch more shit from purist elitists. I don’t care, though. This album slays. From beginning to end, it’s brain-bending banger after banger with enough otherworldly technicality to make Stephen Hawking jump out of his chair and start a circle pit. Even if you’ve written these guys off, check this album out. It’s so damn good.

Favorite Track: The Macrocosm

7. Full of Hell – Trumpeting Ecstasy

Remember above when I said one album was angrier this year? This is it. 11 tracks clock in at a mere 23 minutes, but it’s some of the most furious music I’ve ever heard in my life. It’s cool to see Ian felt the same way about this one, and it’s turning up on most year-end metal lists I’ve seen. Well deserved. This is grind at its best.
Favorite TrackThe Cosmic Vein

6. The Great Old Ones – EOD: A Tale of Dark Legacy

Anyone that knows me well will tell you how much I love H.P. Lovecraft’s writing. It’s dark, unforgiving, but unthinkably beautiful. This is what The Great Old Ones have given us with their new one. Epic would be the right word to use to describe this album, but it’s deserving of a much more grandiose adjective that probably hasn’t been invented yet. Every song feels like it’s caught on a storm-soaked beachfront being attacked by some indescribable, towering monster from another dimension. This is a deathy black metal masterpiece that will surely gain more loving attention with each passing year.

Favorite Track: The Shadow Over Innsmouth

5. Entheos – Dark Future

There are not many frontmen that have a more commanding presence over songs than Chaney Crabb. Which is confounding, since she fronts a band that includes ex-members of Animosity, Animals as Leaders, and The Faceless. Holy hell, is this lineup amazing. The time signatures are incredibly challenging, almost taunting jazz musicians, and each song feels more intense and melts your brain more than the last. I’m excited to see where this band goes in the future, but for now, we may have to view this band as the future. Also, Chaney Crabb rules. I hope this gets more kick-ass women to partake in extreme music.
Favorite Track: Inverted Earth (I)

4. Inanimate Existence – Underneath a Melting Sky

Now begins the part where my brain turned to mush and poured out of my ears trying to figure out the top spot of the year. Honestly, it could have been any of these next four. We’ll start with this one. WOW comes to mind with Underneath a Melting Sky. I’ve really enjoyed Inanimate Existence for a few years, but thought their last album was a bit of a misstep, with some clean vocal sections in areas that just didn’t feel right. But this one. Oh man, is this a cool album. Not since Fallujah have I heard a band blend technicality and all-out beauty so well. They were just kicked off the tour with The Faceless, so I might catch some flak for including both one the same list, but who gives a shit? This is an incredibly well-done record, and I catch something new from it every time I listen.

Favorite Track: Old Man In the Meadow

3. Power Trip – Nightmare Logic

I’ve seen this one on almost every year-end list, and it’s more than well-deserved. I’m not really much of a thrash guy, and usually need some real extremity out of the frontman if I’m going to dig it, ala Black Fast or Skeletonwitch. Well, here it is. The perfect blend of thrash brutality and hardcore energy. I’ve heard their shows are a blast, and this becomes extremely evident with every single track on Nightmare Logic. Whether you’re looking for a fist-pumping chorus or a Repo Man-era solo, this album has enough raw energy and fun packed into it to turn your grandma’s backyard into a scene at the end of a Motley Crue video. This one has endless replayability. Party on.
Favorite Track: Nightmare Logic

2. The Black Dahlia Murder – Nightbringers

No surprise here. Being a ‘Blast Fiend,’ TBDM shows up on my annual list every other year like clockwork, and this one may be at the top of their eight release catalog for me. They have been my favorite band since their initial full length back in 2003, and almost fifteen years later, that has not changed a bit. Singer Trevor Strnad has never written more extreme lyrics, and may be becoming one of America’s best horror writers in any format. I love new member Brandon Ellis’ lead guitar work, his 80’s squeals working extremely well with the mind-numbingly fast riffing all over Nightbringers. This might be the best lineup the Detroit fiends have ever had, and if this next album on my list had not come out this year, it probably would have been my number one with a silver bullet.

Favorite Track: Of God and Serpent, Of Spectre and Snake

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1. Archspire – Relentless Mutation

There is so much to say about this album. I really have liked Archspire for a while, digging deep into what Spotify has to offer in the Technical Death Metal arena. They show up often on playlists and similar artists’ radios, but this release really puts them in a class all their own. The riffing and drumwork is almost robotic, making you wonder how human beings are even capable of producing the sounds and speeds that are coming through your speakers or headphones. Oliver Rae Aleron’s vocals are unimaginably spit out at speeds that are beyond human comprehension, making rappers like Twista look silly (Aleron also recently started a GoFundMe to get The Faceless singer/guitarist Michael Keene singing lessons, in response to kicking Inanimate Existence off their tour – which I find hilarious). Really though, nothing beats this album this year, and may even be the historical crowning achievement for the world of Technical Death Metal. If you spend 30 minutes listening to any metal album this year, make it this one.

Favorite Track: A Dark Horizontal

Nick’s Best of 2017 Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/1213386057/playlist/6b7WwpsBMxaxnhdyxrSrzB?si=-P0-pqNTRsGKFX1FWsv4FQ

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 22 Season One Finale – Santa With Muscles & Christmas With the Kranks

We’re already at the end of our first season! Come get ready for the holidays with us as we discuss some Yuletide turds. Special guest and Ed Wood Jesus Do? co-host Ian Miles joins us to discuss the the 1996 Hulk Hogan vehicle Santa with Muscles, and the incredibly terrible OTHER Tim Allen holiday nightmare, Christmas with the Kranks. Check it out on all your favorite apps below! As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

iTunes – https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cinemabysmal/id1153464020?mt=2

Google Play Music – https://play.google.com/music/m/Irjld24rxpsi22hdnugilmxh57u?t=CinemAbysmal

Stitcher – https://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=128435&refid=asa

Spreaker – http://www.spreaker.com/show/cinemabysmals-show

You can also find us on BeyondPod! Just search for CinemAbysmal.

Ed Wood Jesus Do? – Podcast Episode 05: ‘Paris, Texas’

The boys say goodbye to a Hollywood legend in the fifth episode of Ed Wood Jesus Do? as they talk Harry Dean Stanton in Wim Wenders’ 1984 road movie ‘Paris, Texas.’ Winner of the coveted Palmes d’Or and holder of a rare 100% on Rotten Tomatoes, this film changed movies as we know, though it did it as quiet and subtly as Harry Dean acted in his 100+ films. Listen on iTunes below, or find our fifth episode anywhere else you listen to podcasts. As always, please RATE, SUBSCRIBE, and most importantly SHARE with your friends!
iTunes – https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/ed-wood-jesus-do/id1261488350?mt=2

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 21: Gooby & The Great Wall

Here we go! It’s time for the 21st episode of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where the three writers of CinemAbysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there. This week, special guest and comedian Jason Komm joins us to discuss the unthinkably terrible Canadian kids flick Gooby, and a Chinese action blunder starring Matt Damon. Check it out on all your favorite apps below! As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

iTunes – https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cinemabysmal/id1153464020?mt=2

Google Play Music – https://play.google.com/music/m/Irjld24rxpsi22hdnugilmxh57u?t=CinemAbysmal

Stitcher – https://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=128435&refid=asa

Spreaker – http://www.spreaker.com/show/cinemabysmals-show

You can also find us on BeyondPod! Just search for CinemAbysmal.

Justice League Pulls Apart Boxes

…is the headline Lois Lane must write after this movie is over. That’s literally what this movie is about by the way. Pullin’ apart them boxes. This is why we need super heroes guys.

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Wonder Woman was amazing, right? Remember how good it felt walking out of the theater for it? Thinking okay, I guess DC can make good movies, they just have chosen not to make good ones up until now (with the exception of the Dark Knight series of course).

I’m not sure what exactly was unsavory about this movie. Was it husky Batman? The forced humor between super heroes with no chemistry? The robbing of Clark Kent’s grave? Superman’s fucked up face? Or maybe it was the fact that the heroes spent the entire movie trying to keep three boxes apart, only to essentially GIVE the last box to our villain, then spent the last half of the movie trying to rip said boxes apart. Cool. Boxes.

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The movie wasn’t ALL bad though and I don’t think it deserves the rotten tomato score it was given. I’d at least put it at 50%. There were some funny parts, and of course Wonder Woman was there so hey it wasn’t all bad.

Let’s plot summarize and here’s some spoilers so watch out.

Some kids are taking a cell phone video of Superman after he’s saved some people. He looks weird. Is this a video game? No it’s real life. The kids ask Superman some questions and something is off. What is it? I know…it’s his face. Why is his face so fucked up (more on that later).

This video was taken awhile ago because of course (I honestly forgot) Superman died in Batman vs Superman. I couldn’t tell you how or why but I know Husky Batman blames himself for it. He’s on a roof doing his vigilante thing when electronic wasp men from another dimension pop up out of nowhere. Batman is able to kill the wasp and it leaves behind an imprint of three boxes?  I use a question mark here because I’m honestly not entirely sure what happens only that Batman has been tracking the three boxes for some reason and I don’t really know I’m bored even explaining it so let’s move on.

Let’s go back to our happy place on Wonder Women’s Amazonian island. The kick ass women warriors are guarding a box (oh boy boxes!) and then it cracks and a crazy man comes through who’s very tall and controls the wasp people. The women put up a 20 minute awesome fight to save the box from being taken but they lose, and lots of people die. It’s the best scene of the movie though so nice job.

The tall evil man, let’s just call him Steppenwolf because that’s his name, rages about some ‘mother’ and the boxes. He takes off and the amazonians light a signal on Earth to warn Diana aka Wonder Woman that this box guy is coming for them.

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Meanwhile Husky Batman is trying to get a gang together to fight Steppenwolf. He goes to find Aquaman in a remote sea village by riding a donkey. I mean I feel like there are better ways to get there, but you just do you Husky Batman. Aquaman is like, you dress like a bat and have no super powers, I will absolutely not fight with you. Then Husky Batman goes to find Flash, and Flash is like, you dress like a bat and have no super powers? I am IN. SO IN.

Then we have the Cyborg because diversity. Even though half of his black skin is covered in shiny metal, we care about diversity, okay guys? Cyborg is like no thanks, but then Wonder Woman is like, do it, join our gang and he says okay because no one can say no to Wonder Woman. So now we have the Justice League. But wait, we are missing SUPERMAN. Oh yeah he’s dead.

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Lois Lane is super unhappy about it, and whines on her lunch break with Clark’s Mom. Clark’s Mom is like Clark always said you were so thirsty. Blow job joke, nice. Everyone is sad that Superman is gone though and hate crimes are up and people are mean. There’s neo-nazis cursing out Muslim women in slow motion as crates of fruit fly around the screen (I wish I was making this up) and if only we bring Superman back we can get rid of this box guy once and for all.

Meanwhile, box guy has two of the three boxes. Remember how the Amazonian women put up a kick ass fight to stop him from stealing their box? Well the Aquaman people get thrown against some coral and give up in about five seconds. So now he has two boxes. The last box the Justice League has retrieved and this guy can’t destroy the world without the third one so of course they keep it safe and hidden right?

WRONG! So Flash and Cyborg dig up Clark’s gave, bring his coffin to where his space ship is in Metropolis, throw him in the spaceship water and then throw the third box in with him. There’s some theory to this but I couldn’t pay attention so just know that Flash charges the box, which charges the space ship, which in turn somehow brings Superman back. Superman gets pissed, fights everyone and in the meantime THE THIRD BOX IS STOLEN FOR ULTIMATE WORLD DOMINATION. You guys had one job…

Superman see’s Lois and calms his tits and flies them back to his corn farm in Smallville. He gets all Gladiator and strokes his wheat, I mean corn, for a bit. Then he’s like, “Well better go fight crime”, and the audience is like WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR FACE. WHY IS IT SO WEIRD LOOKING ( more on that later I swear).

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So Justice League goes to this small town in Russia that Cyborg finds with his computer skills. Apparently box man is there, and Husky Batman suddenly speaks up that the town has nuclear reactors so of course box man is there. Nothing makes sense. Also apparently Husky Batman can just pull random facts about small Russian towns out of his Husky butthole now.

They go to the town, save a small family we’ve been forced to follow the entire movie. Spoiler, they live. Also, who cares. Luckily Justice League is able to stop box man by pulling his boxes apart. Nice job Justice League. There’s an after credits scene though where they’re bringing back Lex Luthor so if you hated him (and I would go by the critic and fan reviews that we ALL HATED HIM) then get ready for some more shitty shit.

Okay are you ready to hear about Superman’s fucked up face? So after the movie I googled it thinking, “Henry Cavill knew that this movie was going to suck and refused to be in it so they digitized his face right?” NOPE. They had to do a bunch of reshoots (apparently every scene Superman was in), but by this time Henry had grown a mustache for another movie and he was NOT SHAVING THAT SHIT OFF. So they said fine. We will film you with a mustache and edit it in post. Which is hilarious, because it looks awful and really just adds to the shitiness of this movie.

More Wonder Woman movies plz. k thanks. Bye.

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JUST F ALREADY PODCAST – EPISODE 2: CLUB SHADOWLANDS BY CHERISE SINCLAIR

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Welcome to the 2nd episode of  CinemAbysmal Radio produced “Just F Already”! Or as we like to call it, but the podcast world won’t let us, Just Fuck Already! Holly Hill and Yoli Banos get together once a month to discuss a trashy romance book and get a lot R-rated with you.

In this episode, Holly and Yoli get a little Just Feminist Already, delving straight into a BDSM club book, talking about consent and also how you should ALWAYS make sure people have washed their hands before their fingers enter your body.

As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

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Spreaker – https://www.spreaker.com/user/9227539/02-club-shadowlands-by-cherise-sinclairhttps://www.spreaker.com/JustFAlready

iTunes – https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/just-f-already/id1294125447?mt=2 

Google Play Music – https://playmusic.app.goo.gl/?ibi=com.google.PlayMusic&isi=691797987&ius=googleplaymusic&link=https://play.google.com/music/m/Ig34l6snbq6niwu2zwxefazejfq?t%3DJust_F_Already%26pcampaignid%3DMKT-na-all-co-pr-mu-pod-16

Stitcher –  https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/just-f-already 

Spreaker – https://www.spreaker.com/user/9227539/02-club-shadowlands-by-cherise-sinclairhttps://www.spreaker.com/JustFAlready