CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 8: The Purge Trilogy & Legion

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 8: The Purge Trilogy and Legion

Our eighth episode is here! This week, we talk The Purge Trilogy, the first season of Legion on FX, Juggalos, and more! Check it out on all your favorite apps below! As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

iTunes –https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cinemabysmal/id1153464020?mt=2

Google Play Music – https://play.google.com/music/m/Irjld24rxpsi22hdnugilmxh57u?t=CinemAbysmal

SoundCloud – https://soundcloud.com/cinemabysmal/08-the-purge-trilogy-legion

Stitcher – http://www.stitcher.com/s?eid=49928012&refid=asa

Spreaker – http://www.spreaker.com/show/cinemabysmals-show

You can also find us on BeyondPod! Just search for CinemAbysmal.

The O.C. Sundays – Volume 3: S01:E03 – The Gamble

oc2

The O.C. Sundays – Volume Two – Season One: Episode Three – The Gamble

Recap by Holly Hill

 

Why Rewatch The O.C.?

The O.C. premiered on August 5, 2003 and ended on February 22, 2007. Or May 18, 2006 if you like to pretend that the fourth season never happened (a lot of people do, it’s okay). The O.C. not only introduced a lot of people to some fantastic music through its heavily bought mix tapes (this is before YouTube, Spotify, & Apple Music), it also created Chrismukkah, and inspired a decades worth of ‘THE REAL’ reality shows.

Not sure what I mean by that? Well The O.C. prompted the reality show Laguna Beach: The Real O.C., and a thousand other spinoffs to it. The catch phrase ‘The Real O.C.’ morphed into The Real Housewives of fill in the blank rich people cities.

Needless to say, despite its shortcomings, The O.C. had some great writing, a fantastic soundtrack, and truly inspired a generation worth of TV, for better or worse. The O.C. is the only TV show I own on box set. I haven’t watched it in awhile, so why don’t we watch it together? Whether you’re new to The O.C. (you can stream it on Hulu) or a long time fan, it’s a show anyone with a love for the dramatic can enjoy.

Recap:

oc

The episode opens in juvie with a plethora of non-white people available for speaking roles. Unfortunately, they are all reduced to yelling slurs at newbie and white privileged kid, Ryan. Sandy stops in to see him and quips that they ‘gotta stop meeting like this.’ He lets him know that Kirsten’s company, the Newport Group, has decided to drop all arson charges. Ryan has to stay in jail for 30-60 days however because he can’t be released to a parent or guardian, while Luke strolls out like it ain’t no thing. Sandy leaves him alone and when Ryan heads back to the cells, a Mexican kid in juvie who look a like he’s 30 threatens Ryan by pressing a fork to his neck.

Back in the O.C., Kirsten is planning a brunch for her friends that she hates. They are planning a casino night….for charity. Because everything is done for charity in this show. Seth meanwhile, is angry at everyone because he is grounded and his Mom won’t let the kid that burned her house down live with them. Weird, right? Kristen’s awful friends show up with Julie heading the group of assholes. Sandy says he’s off to find another kid to jeopardize the community, joking that he might bring an Asian or a black kid home now, which obviously worries all the women.

A grounded Seth tries to sneak out of the house to go visit Ryan, but Kristen says no. Kristen admits she’s hired someone to find his mother and dropped the charges. Seth asks Kristen if she wants to come with him, and she’d rather do that than hang out with the whores in her living room, so she agrees (I’m paraphrasing).

Back at Marissa’s house, Summer is being turned into a more developed character by switching her signature bikini top for a lacy bra. She tries on clothes, and Marissa calls Luke who won’t answer. Seth stops by Marissa’s to see if she wants to go to juvie to visit Ryan with him, and Seth sees Summer in her bra and basically dies of happiness.

Marissa blows Seth off saying ‘It’s too complicated’ to visit Ryan (oookay). In juvie, Kirsten and Seth have a pretty awkward visit with Ryan. Ryan’s fork wound is very prevalent and Kirsten is feeling super guilty. The Mexican that has been bothering Ryan starts talking dirty to Kirsten, so naturally Ryan kicks his ass. Kirsten decides she wants that pretty white boy OUT of there ASAP.

Sandy comes home and finds Ryan and Seth playing video games and he jokes to Kirsten that he didn’t know she was an impulse shopper. She says it’s not permanent. Ryan overhears and says he guesses he won’t unpack. Just laying in that guilt. Seth asks what happened that night with Marissa in the model home, and Ryan says he told her to leave. Seth suggests he takes those words back.

Julie gives Marissa some terrible advice, pushing her daughter towards Luke who is clearly a very awful boyfriend to her. She suggests she fix her hair, put on a top, and join her at the club to win Luke back.

Sandy is too busy to hang with the boys, and Kirsten has to set up casino night, so she brings Ryan and Seth with her. Naturally, Luke shows up too, so it’s all about to get super awkward. Marissa is there as well and tries to talk to Luke, but he ain’t having none of that shit. Ryan tries to talk to Marissa who says they are from different worlds, so back the fuck off, I need to fix things with puka shells Luke.

Meanwhile, Julie and her bitch friend are talking shit about Sandy and Kirsten right next to Sandy, and he butts right in, bringing up that Julie is from Riverside which is a huge insult (apparently). Julie goes to complain to her husband, Jimmy, about Sandy.

Jimmy says she IS from Riverside and to leave them alone since they’re the ones who are paying their bills right now. Jimmy confesses that Kirsten gave him $100,000, much to Julie’s dismay.

Sandy gets a call about Dawn, Ryan’s mother, saying that they’ve found her. Ryan asks what Kirsten does and she explains the Newport Group to him, and Ryan expresses his desire to be an architect. Kirsten is already planning her future with Ryan as her son when they get home, but to his confusion, his mother is sitting there waiting. They all sit down for a very weird conversation over dinner and Dawn says she’s staying with her friends, as she broke up with her abusive boyfriend. Kirsten asks that she stay at their house tonight. Ryan is clearly very embarrassed about his Mom, who promises she is sober now. Ryan wants to know what she’s doing here because she abandoned him and just left a note. Ryan doesn’t even want to have his Mom touch him, and asks for her to go slow with him, clearly afraid of getting hurt again. She says she’s not going to lose him again. The next day they take a walk and then try to take off. Kirsten clearly is still anxious about them though, so she offers her to come to casino night with them. One last fun night! Where nothing could possibly go wrong on a soap opera!

Dawn shows up with Ryan and is clearly very impressed with the Newport life. Julie is pissed about Kirsten giving them money. Dawn is gambling a little too much and has started sneaking drinks. Marissa cold shoulders Ryan with a dismissive ‘good luck with everything’ and Ryan tells her to ‘have a nice life.’ Marissa and Luke fight. Julie brings up the money Kirsten gave them to Sandy who CLEARLY DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT IT. Things are going badly for everyone except Seth. When Summer drops some dice, Seth is there to pick them up and he blows on them because she’s superstitious. She wins some shit and now Sid or Stanley or Seth or whoever can’t leave her side all night. Marissa and Luke make up with some prodding from Ryan who swears to Luke that nothing happened between them.

Things finally come to a head when Dawn starts to lose money, so she drinks more and eventually falls in the middle of the room because she’s so drunk. She completely embarrasses Ryan in front of everyone and Seth abandons Summer, so Luke and him can help Dawn off the floor.

“Where’s Ryan?”

“I’m right here, Mom.”

“Ryan honey, I’m so sorry. I ruined it. I ruin everything huh? You hate me.”
“No I don’t. I love you Mom.”

Dawn passes out back at the pool house and Ryan looks on, hating himself for giving into the hope that it might have worked out. In the morning Dawn packs up and is about to abandon Ryan while he sleeps, but Kirsten catches her on her way out. They talk about how it’s her duty as a mother to stay, and Dawn says it would be the nicest thing she’s ever done for him if she leaves him.

Ryan wakes up just as she’s about to take off. They share a sad longing look, and she waves goodbye at him. Ryan is shell shocked and can hardly believe it, so he goes for a hesitant half wave. Kirsten and him stare back and forth wondering what’s next. Will she take him in? Will she put him back in the system?

Seth and Sandy are making breakfast when Kirsten and Ryan walk in. They ask where Dawn is and Kirsten says, “Ryan is going to stay with us now.”

The smile on Ryan’s face is…..it’s everything. It’s this entire show.

“I’ll unpack later.”

 

Best Song of the Episode:

“Rain City” by Turin Breaks

Best Quote:

“Ryan’s gonna stay with us now.”

Number of Non-White People with Actual Lines in This Episode:

One! A Mexican kid in juvie yells super juvie things at Ryan and Kirsten including, “I’ll kill you” & “Is this your honey? Come here, bitch, I wanna get a look at you.”

STAY CLASSY, THE O.C.

Weird 2003 thing:

See Below. I mean, it’s hard to believe these things were ever popular to wear, but they were.

Best Fashion Statement:

Julie’s soft pink Juicy Couture sweatsuit.

oc4

Twin Sneaks – Volume Three: Season One – Episodes 5-6

tp5

Welcome to Twin Sneaks! I started this column about a year ago, but stopped watching the show as I wanted to wait until the new Season 3 was closer. What I’m hoping to do here is recap all the episodes for you guys leading up to the new premiere on May 21st (EEEEEK!!) After that, I’ll continue to recap the new episodes for you, and have them ready to go every Monday or Tuesday! There will, of course, be SPOILERS in these recaps, so please stop reading (or don’t, I’m not you mom) and WATCH THE DAMN SHOW ON NETFLIX, YOU JERK!

Twin Peaks – Season One: Episodes 5-6

Recap by Nick Spanjer

 

Episode 5: The One-Armed Man

Directed by Tim Hunter

Written by Robert Engels

tp6

This episode begins at the Palmer house, where mother Sarah is giving a description of Bob (the man she had a vision of at the end of Laura’s bed) to Deputy Andy. Donna and Maddy are joining them when Leland comes downstairs and gives his wife shit for having multiple visions. Sarah tells Sheriff Truman about her vision of the necklace being unearthed from the rock. Donna wonders how she knew that. Over at the Sheriff station, Lucy is watching Invitation to Love when the Sheriff and Andy appear. Truman asks where Cooper is and leaves for the conference room, when Andy asks Lucy why he couldn’t spend the night, and welcome to another awful storyline.

Over in the conference room, Cooper is interviewing Dr. Jacoby who is doing tricks with golf balls, and asks if Laura was seeing him because of her cocaine use. Jacoby declines to answer out of doctor/patient confidentiality. He tells Cooper she was having isues when Cooper asks if they were of a sexual nature. One of the best Jacobyisms comes next: “Agent Cooper, the problems of our entire society are of a sexual nature.” Cooper asks if Jacoby was one of the three men that had sex with her the night of her death, and Jacoby declines and tells them that he followed a man in a red corvette into the woods the night after she died. Leo Johnson just happens to drive a little red corvette.

Gordon Cole, Cooper’s superior at the FBI, and all-around badass (played by a hard-of-hearing David Lynch) calls in and notifies Cooper what they found from Laura’s autopsy, including the twine used and the bird bites on her shoulder. He also mentions that Rosenfield has put in to get Truman’s badge taken away for the sucker punch, but Cooper defends the Sheriff. “Harry, the last thing I want you to worry about while I’m here is some city slicker I brought into your town relieving himself upstream.” Deputy Andy walks in with a composite sketch of the man Sarah Palmer saw at the end of her bed, and it’s far too accurate for Andy’s dumb ass. Cooper mentions that it’s the same man he saw in his dream and Andy and Truman are stunned. Deputy Hawk calls in and says that he’s tracked the one armed man to the Timber Falls Motel on the other side of town.

At the motel, Josie Grossie is being a creep and taking pictures from her car of the revulsion of the century, as Catherine and Ben are fucking again. They’re talking about the two ledgers, and gah, I don’t care enough. They see the officers show up as Andy drops his gun and it goes off on the way in. As Ben watches the officers kick the door in, he goes to take a shower (but first he pulls out an Elvis figurine and says he’s going to give Little Elvis a bath), and drops a poker chip to One Eyed Jacks from his pocket. Catherine picks it up.

Over in the One Armed Man’s room, Cooper and Truman ask who he is. His name is Philip Gerard (a light homage to The Fugitive) and he’s a simple shoe salesman. They show him the picture of “Bob” and he doesn’t recognize him. He mentions he does have a friend named Bob the Veterinarian, but he’s currently in a coma. Cooper asks him about his missing arm and if it had a tattoo, and Gerard breaks down and admits it did and said ‘Bob.’ As they leave, Hawk is using his tracking skills and tells Truman that Josie Grossie was already staking out the motel.

Back at the high school, Donna and Audrey share a cigarette in an all too pink bathroom. They discuss Laura’s troubles while she was still alive, and Audrey reveals that Laura was seeing Dr. Jacoby secretly as a patient. She has a feeling that she was also working at One Eyed Jack’s, and that she for sure worked with Ronette Pulaski at Horne’s Department Store perfume counter. Norma visits the prison to meet with her incarcerated shitbag of a husband, Hank. He asks her to back him up in the parole hearing and she actually considers it for some fucking reason. We find out he went to prison for running over and killing a vagrant on the side of the road. The parole board considers his case.

Cooper and Truman head into the Bob the Veterinarian’s office, where a llama is standing inside the waiting room. Cooper shows the composite to the ancient receptionist who confirms the two Bobs are not the same. They walk away from the desk for a moment to discuss Cooper’s motivations at the clinic, when the llama looks directly into Cooper’s face and snorts. Somehow, Maclachlan does not break character, and it’s one of those show-defining moments that Twin Peaks is loved for. Andy walks in with the twine that Gordon Cole described was used to bind Laura, and Cooper asks the near-ghost at the reception desk for every record in the office.

Over at the Johnson catbox, Bobby and Shelly are making out in the gross kitchen. Bobby mentions that Laura was seeing Hug Me James behind his back and wait, what? Wasn’t Bobby fucking Shelly this whole time? Bobby mentions that Leo and Jacques are running coke across the border and that Leo was giving drugs to Laura. Shelly shows Bobby the bloody shirt from Leo’s laundry and he takes it. He tries to leave but she shows him she has a gun and they decide to bone one more time. The troops arrive at the Sheriff station and Truman tells Lucy that he needs all the files that mention birds. Deputy Andy apologizes for dropping the gun and then tells Lucy what happened. She’s short with Andy and he can’t figure out why.

Over in the shooting range, the boys shoot at targets after Cooper mentions he can tell something is wrong with Andy and Lucy. Andy, of course, can’t shoot worth a shit and Cooper insists he practices using his gun. Cooper then mentions he’s never been married in his own Cooper way. “No. I knew someone once who helped me understand commitment, the responsibilities and the risks; who taught me the pain of a broken heart.” He then takes six more shots at a target with his custom made hand cannon. Lucy calls over the intercom and mentions that the files are organized by the names of the pets, not species.

At the RR, Shelly tells Norma that Leo beats her and Norma hardly gives any fucks. “Look at us: two men a piece, and we don’t know what to do with any of the four of them.” Cool life. Hug Me James walks in to use the payphone as Norma mentions to Shelly that they’ll take a salon trip tomorrow to take all that spousal abuse off the mind. Hug Me James calls Donna, who invites him over, but he’s on his period and it turns out he really called Donna for no reason, when he sees Laura’s cousin Maddy for the first time. He puts his fivehead uncomfortably close to this girl that he’s never met, and for some reason she smiles and says hi. They introduce each other and she mentions she’s from Missoula, Montana. They talk about Laura’s parents for a moment and James mentions she looks just like Laura. The phone rings and Norma gets the news that her husband Hank has been paroled. She looks upset BUT YOU GOT HIM OUT BY SAYING HE COULD WORK THERE AND LIVE WITH YOU – GAHHHH!

Over at The Great Northern, Ben is on the phone with new Icelandic investors when Audrey walks in. Audrey asks him if she can help with the family business and turns on the drama about Laura. He takes the bait and decides to let her work at the department store. The whole scene would be pretty touching if she wasn’t actually faking all of this just to impress and try to bang Cooper. As Audrey leaves, the phone rings and Ben asks “where have you been” to the person on the other end. Over at the Sheriff department, the boys are working into the night on the vet’s files. Cole calls in again and mentions that Rosenfield is faxing a reconstruction of the plastic object that was found in Laura’s stomach. He also says the bites on her shoulder were made by a parrot or mynah bird.

Turns out the plastic piece was a poker chip to One Eyed Jacks. Andy finds a file for a mynah bird named Waldo, who happens to be owned by humanesque slug, Jacques Renault. Cooper gets excited: “Gentlemen! When two separate events occur simultaneously pertaining to the same object of inquiry, we must always pay strict attention.” The boys then run over to Jacques’ apartment. Upon the knocking of the door, Bobby looks up. He’s planting Leo’s bloody shirt to try and set up Renault and jumps out the back window. Cooper finds Leo’s bloody shirt (his initials are sewed in) hanging precariously from a drawer.

In the woods, Ben meets with the person who called him and surprise, surprise, it’s none other than Leo ‘Soap Sock’ Johnson. Leo mentions he killed Bernard Renault and motions over to his body by his bright red corvette. Leo mentions that Jacques is back in Canada, so Ben tells Leo to proceed and burn down the mill so Josie Grossie will sell the land, and Catherine and Ben will make out like bandits with the new Ghostwood development. Donna and Hug Me James return to where they buried the other half of the necklace and *gasp*, it’s gone! Sarah Palmer was right! Spooky! As they discuss how spooky Mrs. Palmer is, an owl hoots at them from above, and suddenly, not all is as it seems (rimshot, please). They talk for a second about Laura, the Badalamenti intensifies, and they make out again. We finally come to the end. Josie makes Pete a sandwich at the Martell’s place and Pete asks her if she’ll fish in a tournament with him. He goes to bed when Hank calls Josie Grossie from his last night at the prison, letting her know that he’s getting out as he disgustingly slips a domino in and out of his mouth.

 

Episode 6: Cooper’s Dreams

Directed by Lesli Linka Glatter

Written by Mark Frost

tp7

Cooper is having trouble sleeping at The Great Northern, listening to a group of rowdy Icelanders dancing and singing next door at 4:30 in the morning. This is one of my favorite episodes for Cooper’s character, as he’s very irritable the entire time. Audrey tries to join him for breakfast again and he’s having none of that statutory shit this time around, missy. Just kidding, he asks her how old she is while staring at her creepily, saying, “We’ll see you later, Audrey.” SHE’S IN HIGH SCHOOL, HOMIE!

Jerry Horne walks into Ben’s office, just getting off the flight earlier that morning with the Icelanders. He explains to Ben how excited they are to invest and that he’s also in love with one of the Icelandic women named Heppa (sp?). Ben tells Jerry that they should treat the Icelanders to One Eyed Jack’s when an unkempt Leland Palmer walks in, insisting he’s ready to come back to work. He legitimately looks like he just rolled out of a dumpster, sweating like a methhead in a Wal-Mart bathroom. He collapses on the floor and starts crying.

At Jacques Renault’s apartment, the boys are searching the place when an exhausted Cooper arrives and asks if there are more donuts after checking an empty box. He asks for another cup of coffee and mentions he didn’t sleep much due to the Icelanders. “There’s a large group of insane men staying on my floor.” Cooper looks to the ceiling while Doc Heyward informs him that the blood on Leo’s shirt was AB-; not Laura’s blood. Cooper guesses this is Jacques’ blood when the phone rings again. Andy walks over and gives Cooper a donut and cup of coffee, and like a cell phone coming back to life, Cooper seems suddenly revitalized after one sip. Truman boosts Cooper to the ceiling as Doc Heyward finds out that Renault’s blood was AB-. Cooper seems unimpressed with this revelation, as he pulls down a copy of Flesh World from the ceiling. They open it and find an envelope inside with a Polaroid of a man dressed in drag. “I don’t know, the beard sort of ruins the effect of the lingerie, what do you think Harry?” Again, welcome to 1990. They also see a picture of Leo’s truck inside the magazine.

tp8.jpg

Over at Leo’s Fart Dungeon, a freshly showered Shelly (nevermind, they don’t have a god damn shower – they have a kitchen sink) makes breakfast for herself and Bobby. We find out through conversation that Shelly dropped out of the 11th grade and married Leo, so apparently, age ain’t nuthin’ but a number here in Twin Peaks. They basically dry hump at the formica table for a while, while role-playing what they would do if Leo was to walk in at that moment. They hear a car door shut and Bobby runs for the back of the shanty when he sees it’s a deputy. Andy walks in and asks when Leo will be back. Shelly tells Andy that Leo was arguing with Jacques a few nights back about Laura. When Andy leaves, Bobby comes out of whatever shitty half-finished room he was in and they proceed to make out when the phone rings. It’s Leo, saying he’ll be home soon. Bobby slides the gun into Shelly’s hand.

At Big Ed’s Gas Farm, Norma shows up to talk to Ed about Hank getting his parole. Ed and Norma proceed to make their lives shittier by asking each other why they’re still with the people they don’t love and not actually doing anything about it. I suppose it’s heartbreaking, but at this point, they’ve had so many annoying chances to be with each other. If I was friends with these two, I would be so god damn frustrated with them. At Horne’s Department Store, Audrey is discussing her new job with the store’s world class creep manager, Emory Battis. She power grabs the perfume counter job out of him, knowing nepotism will get her anywhere.

Suddenly, we’re in a park by a lake, and Donna is hurriedly approaching Hug Me James about some note he left – because he leaves notes like a 12-year old teenage girl. She hugs Hug Me James and he proceeds to tell her about some really time-sensitive daddy issues. “He was a musician. We were living on the West Coast. He was a bum and ran off on me and my mom. My mom’s a writer. She was really good; poems and short stories. She’s an alcoholic.” Turns out his mom is actually kind of a hooker. K. Thanks, James. Glad you left me a note and made me go all the way to this fucking park to tell me this really fucking pressing matter. They hug and kiss and the music gets crazy and jesus, this story line man.

Back at Jacques’ apartment, the Forensic team is investigating and they’re all eating donuts. Sleepy Cooper takes a bite and opens a cabinet, noticing a picture of a cabin taped on the inside with red drapes. They find both Ronette and Laura’s ads in Flesh World and notice the return address on the envelope is to Jacques’ cabin in the woods: the one taped to the inside of the cabinet. At the RR, a newly paroled Hank plugs the jukebox when Maddy comes in to meet James and Donna. Welcome to yet another, really awful storyline. I have no illusions about a lot of Twin Peaks just being really awful. In the long run, to me though, the good outweighs the bad. So, if you’re reading this, you probably just deal with it like I do. I suggest making fun of it as much as possible. It really seems to help.

Anyway, back to this nearly pointless scene in which the Junior Detective Agency is formed. They mention that Laura was in trouble before she died (fucking, duh) and that they want Maddy to help. Maddy agrees to help the youthy sleuths and mentions that the day before Laura died, she felt like she was in trouble. They get up to leave like, four seconds after they sat down and she leaves the Cherry Coke that she asked James to get her without even opening the straw. This is ‘Kevin McCallister Not Touching His Macaroni and Cheese Dinner’ level shit, Maddy.

Anyway, turns out Hank was listening to this whole conversation and the music intensifies as we zoom in on his craggly face. Norma and Shelly, fresh from their 1950’s salon trip, walk in and Hank says hi for the first time on the outside. Norma asks Hank to start washing dishes, as Shelly watches a meathead beat up a nerd on Invitation to Love. At Dr. Jacoby’s office, the Briggs are meeting as a family with Bobby to talk about Bobby’s sudden spiral downward. Jacoby asks to meet with Bobby alone to talk about Laura. He asks what it was like the first time they fucked and asks if Bobby cried while Laura laughed. This upsets Bobby, and he admits that Laura wanted to die. Bobby begins to cry as he’s pressed further about how awful Laura actually was as a person, and for the first time, you realize Bobby began his downward spiral into drugs and debauchery because of Laura, not in spite of her.

Out in the woods, Cooper, Truman, Hawk, and Doc Heyward (who seems like he’s legitimately dying from the hike) are walking to the cabin. Hawk sees a bent, tiny pine tree sticking out of the ground, and for some reason is alarmed. It looks insanely arbitrary among a sea of pine, but OK, I believe you, Hawk. They happen upon a cabin that looks different than the one in the cabinet and the Log Lady walks out. “About time you got here. They move so slowly when they’re not afraid. Come on, then. My log does not judge.” These are honestly the first four things she says without any of the guys saying anything. Welcome to prime Twin Peaks.

She invites them in for tea and cookies and mentions that the owls will not see them in the cabin. Also: “Shut your eyes and you’ll burst into flames.” She tells them that they’re actually two days late, then looks at Cooper and says that’s his doing. She mentions that her log saw something then pours the tea. We find out that her husband was killed in a fire the day after they were married.She tells Cooper to ask her log a question and he asks what it saw the night Laura was killed. The Log Lady caresses the log and it seemingly speaks through her. “Dark. Laughing. The owls were flying. Many things were blocked. Laughing. Two men. Two girls. Flashlights pass by in the woods over the ridge. The owls were near. The dark was pressing in on her. Quiet then. Later, footsteps. One man passed by. Screams far away. Terrible, terrible. One voice. Girl. Further up over the ridge, the owls were silent.”

*If you read Mark Frost’s (who wrote this episode), The Secret History of Twin Peaks, which came out this last year, there is an extensive section about Margaret (The Log Lady’s) life, which is informative beyond everything I could ever imagine, and kind of made this episode way more meaningful to me. Once you’ve watched the series and the film Fire Walk With Me, definitely read that book. It is essential for Twin Peaks fans.

The boys leave the cabin, returning to search for Renault’s place. Hawk hears music coming from somewhere nearby and they arrive at Jacques’ place. Julee Cruise’s haunting Into the Night is playing on repeat on a turntable. Cooper remembers something that the dwarf told him in his dream: “Where we’re from, the birds sing a pretty song, and there is always music in the air.” Just so happens, Jacques’ cabin has a record on repeat and Waldo, the mynah bird is singing in a cage. Hawk finds some film in a camera and Cooper picks up twine on the floor. They find a blood stain and when Truman opens the cuckoo clock, a poker chip falls out. This one has a piece missing, though. *dun-dun-dunnnn*

At The Great Northern, Josie Grossie is smoking in the dark in Ben’s office, because she’s a turd. A party is being held for the Icelanders, when Pete and Catherine show up to join in on the festivities. Off-His-Meds Leland suddenly appears, looking a little less homeless, and about just as sweaty (get the Blu-Ray set for that ultimate repulsive look). Catherine walks over to interrupt Ben and purposefully pours champagne on his shoe in front of the Icelanders. Ben tells her to meet him in his office. Audrey watches interested from nearby and sneaks into a secret passageway to watch their conversation from a peephole. Catherine slaps Ben because she found the One Eyed Jack’s chip he dropped in the motel room, then they disgustingly press their wrinkly lips on each other and Audrey just watches and laughs.

Back at the party, Jerry Horne starts pitching the Ghostwood project when suddenly, the music kicks in. Leland goes haywire and begins to uncontrollably dance. Ben begs Catherine to dance with him and everything seems fine for the moment as others join in. Everyone is laughing and having a good time, except for Leland, who seems truly fucked up in the harshest sense of the phrase. Audrey watches nearby, and seems to be the only other one in the room feeling bad for him, crying at the sight. Meanwhile, Josie Grossie is still smoking in the dark like an idiot.

At the Palmer’s house, Maddy goes downstairs in the middle of the night to call Donna because she found a cassette tape in Laura’s room. Sarah Palmer wakes up so Maddy hangs up the phone. Back at The Great Northern, Ben walks into his office to see Josie Grossie sitting at his desk in the dark. She presents Ben with the second ledger that Catherine hid in her bedroom, and it looks like Josie Grossie and Ben Grandma Fucker are double-crossing Catherine. He tells her that they’ll burn the mill the following night.

Back at the Johnson’s soggy shoebox of a home, Leo drives up to the house angrily to retrieve two gas cans. Hank jumps out from the bushes and cold-cocks Leo, leaving him a bloody mess. “I told you to mind the store, Leo, not put up your own franchise.” He’s not too happy with Leo taking over his shit. Leo walks into his collapsing domicile from Hell’s cancerous bowels and tells Shelly to get him a beer as he drips blood. She offers consolation, because as stupid as she is for sticking with him so long, she’s cute as all hell. He pushes her to the ground and *exuberant trumpet sounds* shoots him with the pistol!

As Cooper returns to The Great Northern, he is hilariously frustrated to find that the Icelanders are still partying. Upon reaching his room, he finds that the door is open. He walks in, gun drawn, and guess who is naked in his bed? None other than Audrey Effing High School Student Horne.

So, I know, I’ve been really bad at this. But come back this Friday. I’ll finish up Season One and then next week we’ll move slowly through Season Two. Sound good?

 

The Fast Franchise: Volume 8 – ‘The Fate of the Furious’

The Fate of the Furious (2017) – Action | Drama

Directed by: F. Gary Gray

Starring: Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and Vin Diesel

Review by Eric Scot Lemons

So I recently went through and watched and reviewed every Fast and Furious film (go back and check those articles if you are inclined). Now that there is a new F&F flick to whet my tingly parts, I have decided to write a review. This is the first of the series I have seen in the theater and also the first one I have seen sober. F8 is not the best film in the franchise, but it is pretty damn close. That distinction falls to Furious 7, which packed in tons of action and a great plot. It also features a heart-raping final ode to Paul Walker RIP. F8 has a ton of action and the best plot of the series, but is stalled by its two-hour twenty minute runtime.

So the film opens once more with booties and exotic locales as we travel to Havana, Cuba for Dom and Letty’s honeymoon. Dom is approached by a mysterious woman whom we know by the trailer to be the film’s main antagonist, Cipher, played amazingly by Charlize Theron. After this film and Fury Road, and the trailer for the upcoming Atomic Blonde, Theron is proving to be one of Hollywood’s most reliable ass-kicking action stars, and just like Mad Max, she steals the show. She somehow gets Dom to forsake his family, which if you’ve seen any of these films, you know there are like three things Dom loves; fast cars, family, and Corona beer.

So the most inexplicably badass motherfucker in F&F universe has turned on his wife and heist crew for some unknown reason, stealing an EMP and nuke plans for Cipher. Twist time: Dom has a son with Elena from a couple films ago and they are being held hostage and will die if Dom don’t comply (RHYMES ARE BACK!). The final battle set-piece takes place at a frozen sea in Russia and a nuclear submarine and some badass fucking stunts that do make everything the team has endured worth it. Dom must not only save his son and ex-lover, but save the world from a cyber terrorist. He succeeds.

The casting in this film is top-fucking-notch. Theron is a dream. Kurt Russell is back in Jack Burton form with sly smiles and amazing one-liners. Scott Eastwood is an excellent addition to the team, playing Russell’s assistant. The old standbys return as well; Tyrese is at his most hilarious in all the films. Jason Statham returns, working with the team in order to save his brother from some black site prison. His banter with The Rock is truly a highlight. Helen Mirren plays the foul-mouthed mother of Deckard Shaw and is beautiful in the role. F. Gary Gray gets the best acting out of the whole series in this one and his camera work is fun and fluid, leading to some truly magnificent sequences.

The action is really one of the let downs in this one, however. While the fight scenes are well choreographed and the final act of the film delights endlessly, there is a bit of a slog getting to this point. The plot is captivating, but not mindblowing enough to make up for action sequences we have seen in previous installments in the series. Overall, definitely check out the film. It is a solid flick worth seeing, but realize that there is better fare out in the franchise. 

The O.C. Sundays – Volume 2 – S01:E02 – The Model Home

oc2

The O.C. Sundays – Volume Two – Season One: Episode Two – The Model Home

Recap by Holly Hill

 

Why Rewatch The O.C.?

The O.C. premiered on August 5, 2003 and ended on February 22, 2007. Or May 18, 2006 if you like to pretend that the fourth season never happened (a lot of people do, it’s okay). The O.C. not only introduced a lot of people to some fantastic music through its heavily bought mix tapes (this is before YouTube, Spotify, & Apple Music), it also created Chrismukkah, and inspired a decades worth of ‘THE REAL’ reality shows.

Not sure what I mean by that? Well The O.C. prompted the reality show Laguna Beach: The Real O.C., and a thousand other spinoffs to it. The catch phrase ‘The Real O.C.’ morphed into The Real Housewives of fill in the blank rich people cities.

Needless to say, despite its shortcomings, The O.C. had some great writing, a fantastic soundtrack, and truly inspired a generation worth of TV, for better or worse. The O.C. is the only TV show I own on box set. I haven’t watched it in awhile, so why don’t we watch it together? Whether you’re new to The O.C. (you can stream it on Hulu) or a long time fan, it’s a show anyone with a love for the dramatic can enjoy.

Recap:

ModelHome-model

Ryan is back at the Cohen’s and as the episode starts it seems as if he’s already taking advantage of the rich life.

oc3

He and Seth lounge in the pool while Sandy and Kirsten cook a last meal before Ryan has to be taken to child services in the morning. Seth wants to do something cool on Ryan’s last night, “Possibly get some tattoos, hire some hookers and lose our virginity.” Ryan gives him a ‘that ship sailed a long time ago for me’ look, but instead of giving Seth a hard time, he confesses he just wants to lay low tonight. After all, he’s basically staying at a five star resort.

In the kitchen, Kristen can’t believe a mother would just abandon a child like Ryan’s Mom has, but she’s still not budging on letting Ryan stay. She and Sandy talk awkwardly about foster care and how there’s still a chance he could get adopted. “Yeah because everybody wants a brand new teenager,” Seth says grudgingly as the boys come in for dinner.

Kristen starts talking to Sandy about her father, Caleb Nichol, who owns the company she works for. Remember Caleb’s name because he’s about to show up and be insufferable for two solid seasons, with splashes of comedy in between. Kirsten essentially does all the work at their property development/management business and you can tell there’s a strained relationship there. There’s a model home replica on the table and Ryan asks if she can build him one. Bad joke. As dinner is ready, Sandy says, “So last supper huh?” Also, a bad joke.

After dinner, the entire house tries to sleep, but it’s soon given up as an impossible task. Ryan can’t sleep and does not want to go to the group home so he packs his stuff and tries to leave. Seth comes down to see if Ryan wants to play Playstation and catches Ryan on his way out the door. Seth has an idea for Ryan to stay in Newport, so he goes up to his room to grab some things and tells Ryan to meet him out in front.

As Ryan is outside waiting for Seth, Marissa comes out and they ‘hey’ at each other. So many ‘heys’, you guys. Like these breathless long weird surprised ‘heys’ will continually keep happening as long as this show goes on. Marissa says she didn’t think she’d see him ever again and thanks him for making sure she didn’t die of alcohol poisoning the other night. Seth shows up and is surprised to see Marissa who says she’s on her way to her best friend Summer’s birthday party. Seth outs himself as a stalker saying that Summer’s birthday isn’t until Wednesday. Marissa gives him that crazy look and she asks what they’re up to.

oc4

Oh Seth. Always trying and failing at being stealth. Marissa offers to give them a ride and in the car, Seth and Marissa find out they have more in common than they both originally thought. Ryan confesses he doesn’t really listen to music, which is weird. Except Journey, he likes Journey. But more on that in Season 3.

Seth takes them to the literal Model Home that they saw a replica of earlier. Kirsten is having trouble with the contractors so it’s empty right now! Convenient! Just become a squatter, Ryan. Problem solved. Seth starts skateboarding in the empty pool, and the gang celebrates their smart thinking by purchasing some high quality In and Out, because they’re in California, just in case you forgot. Marissa eats some fries which is probably the only thing she eats that day because at 5’9” she can’t come in at more than 100 lbs. Marissa confesses that she thinks her dad is in trouble as a financial planner and Ryan talks about his shitty Mom and OMG, they both have issues. Remember, white people have problems too.

Luke calls to see where Marissa is at, probably trying to gauge her arrival time and see how many chicks he can bang before she arrives. She quietly tells him she loves him, but makes weird faces at Ryan because she obviously doesn’t want him to hear. Ryan asks how long they’ve been together and Seth interrupts and says they’ve been together since the fifth grade, “…when they got their mack on during the class trip to the Museum of Tolerance. Back of the bus, classy lady.” Marissa takes offense and asks what she ever did to Seth. He says nothing. She’s never said or done anything to him. She says he’s the one that thinks he’s better than everyone, and Seth reports that at least he doesn’t shave his chest. Marissa defends Luke saying that he plays water polo so he has to.

The party is broken up when Summer calls again to ask where Marissa is. Seth is desperate to get his name in as he asks Marissa to tell Summer he said happy birthday.

oc5

Marissa is kind enough to lie and tell Seth that Summer said “thanks” instead of “who”. Marissa leaves, Seth heads home to keep his cover, and Ryan spends the night at the empty house. In the morning, Ryan wakes up in a big beautiful empty house and Sandy goes to wake Ryan only to find that he’s split in the middle of the night. A cop shows up and Seth and Marissa talk on their land lines about a meet up plan to get supplies to Ryan.

Side note, if you were born after 2000, a land line is a phone that can’t leave your house, sometimes hard lined in, or if you’re super cool in the early 2000’s, you have a cordless one. But don’t think about taking it anywhere outside the house. It won’t work.

After Marissa leaves, her Mom Julie takes her sister, ‘Season One Kaitlin’ to the stables to buy a horse. Season One Kaitlin is played by a young Shailene Woodley who apparently wasn’t old enough looking or hot enough looking when they decided to bring that character back in Season 3. It’s slightly awkward because Willa Holland who replaces her is the same age as her. So one has to conclude it’s a hotness issue, not a old enough issue.

oc6
Julie asks for a check and Jimmy, who is CLEARLY HAVING FINANCIAL ISSUES because he is wearing a bathrobe in the middle of the day, pales at the idea of giving her money. Jimmy protests that Kaitlin doesn’t need a pony and Kaitlin protests that “China the prettiest pony”. Jimmy says he needs to talk to Julie about work, and she says she doesn’t like to talk about work. She says no one is dying so I’m sure you’ll fix it. Now write that fucking check.

Julie shows up later saying China has alopecia and she needs a new check. Since Jimmy can’t talk to his wife about his financial problems, he calls his ex girlfriend, Kristen and asks to meet her for some help. Meanwhile, Sandy is worried about Ryan, but he thinks Seth knows where he is and is keeping it a secret. Kristen asks what is so special about Ryan and Sandy says he sees himself in him and if no one had helped him, he wouldn’t be here today. Sandy is just working away to chisel down that stone cold heart of Kirsten’s.

Marissa and Seth show up at the house with supplies for Ryan, but no one brought food so they go on the boardwalk to eat something. Marissa hops on the back of Ryan’s bike and Seth longboards around Newport Pier. A fun montage occurs! They’re all so quirky and fun!

oc7

They go to a diner and discuss Ryan’s next move. Marissa says she can get him money to get to Texas where she knows someone who could help him get some work. Luke and his friends come in and Marissa defuses the tension while the guys try to sneak out. Ryan makes it out without being seen but Seth knocks into a waitress and makes a scene. He is caught and Luke wants to fight of course, but Ryan senses trouble and comes back in much to the rage of Luke and his tiny penis.

“You’re a little far from 8 mile,” Luke says, pulling down Ryan’s hood and looking to start a fight. Ryan takes the bait.

“You know what I like about rich kids?

BAM

“Nothing.”

oc8

Ryan sucker punches Luke and he and Seth make their escape. Later at the model home, Marissa meets up and tries to defend Luke’s behavior. They start to argue but then they hear voices so they sneak around the top of the stairs out of sight to see that Kirsten has shown up with Jimmy.  They talk loudly about Jimmy’s financial problems and he asks Kirsten for $100,000 which she readily gives. Kirsten says the new contractors are coming tomorrow as they exit, and that means Ryan has to get out of there.

Back at the Cohen’s, Sandy tells Seth that the cops called him and someone fitting Ryan’s description got into a fight at the pier, so they go out looking for him. Marissa goes to another party at Holly’s beach house and everyone starts talking shit about Ryan. Summer, in her one-dimensional character way asks, “Who dat?” Luke says they’re talking about Ryan who is a little bitch and he’s gonna beat his ass. Marissa gets all sad and leaves. Unbeknownst to her, Luke and his gang follow her.

Back at the model home, Ryan lights a bunch of candles (really smart Ryan) while listening to the ‘Model Home Mix Tape’ that Marissa has given him. Jeff Buckley’s version of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah is playing and Marissa shows up randomly saying ‘this song reminds me of you.’ We will hear this song again by the way, another cover of it by Imogen Heap in the last scene we ever see Marissa and Ryan in together (hold onto your tears for season 3 finale).

Marissa says she’s not sure why she’s here, but she’s afraid she’ll never see him again. She asks to spend the night. Ryan says that if she stays, he doesn’t know if he could leave. BUT THEY LIVE IN DIFFERENT WORLDS! RYAN ISN’T LIKE HER! GO! GO! Ryan and Marissa emo it out for a few minutes before Marissa is told to leave and Ryan dramatically turns away from her as if looking at her hurts, and they’re in a fucking Shakespeare play. Marissa starts crying for no reason, gets in her car, and drives away somehow not seeing Luke’s giant truck parked right by her. Ryan changes his mind and runs after her but it’s too late! She’s GONE!

Time for some revenge. Ryan hears noises and asks if Seth has the bus ticket to Texas, but it’s not Seth, it’s Luke and his bro gang. Oh shit! Luke wants to know what Ryan is doing with his girlfriend. They start fighting and of course they knock over a bunch of candles and the entire place starts catching fire. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU LIGHT A BUNCH OF CANDLES IN AN ACTIVE CONSTRUCTION AREA, RYAN!? Luke’s friends take off, but Luke has a change of heart and comes back for a beaten and bloody Ryan. He drags him out of the house to safety before taking off and leaving him there. He tells Ryan to run, but Ryan can’t exactly move that quickly after getting his ass kicked.

oc9

Marissa comes home crying and Jimmy, while bragging to Julie about how he took care of his work problem (AKA Kristen gave him money), gets up to console Marissa. The Cohen’s show up at the burned out house and Seth says it’s his fault. So the cops and everyone else head to The Cohen’s to sort this out. Meanwhile, Ryan is out trying to hitch a ride and Luke shows up. As the police are questioning Seth, and the nosy neighbors, The Coopers come out to see what’s going on, Ryan and Luke show up. Ryan admits to everything and apologizes. Luke says it was an accident and says he was there too. The police arrest them both.

oc10

Sandy tells Ryan and Luke to keep their mouths shut as he will be their attorneys. Kristen is not happy, and Marissa looks confused in her too big Ugg boots and weird bathrobe/nighty combination. Also, what is Julie Cooper wearing?

Best Song of the Episode:

“California” by Rufus Wainwright (who also does a cover of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah. Basically get ready because in this show you’re going to hear A LOT of different versions of Hallelujah).

Best Quote:

“You know what I like about rich kids?

*punch*

Nothing.”

Weird 2003 thing:

Marissa and Seth call each other on their land lines because those are still relevant.

Number of Non-White People with Actual Lines in This Episode:

One. There is a black cop who says ‘we have to ask you a few questions.’ DIVERSITY.

Best Fashion Statement:

Summer’s Jean skirt and triangle bikini top. Which she has now rocked three different times in only two episodes.

Sloppy Saturdays: Volume 3 – ‘Arachnophobia’

arach

What is ‘Sloppy Saturdays’?

I realized that I own over 300 movies, many of which I have not watched a second time. Whether on Blu-Ray, DVD, or the legendary LaserDisc, I have a lot of films I need to watch again. So, I’ve decided I should probably go through these and justify why I own them, and perhaps, why you should too. I put them all into a database and will randomly mix them up once a week. Come back every Saturday for a new review. 

-Nick, Editor of CinemAbysmal

 

Sloppy Saturdays – Volume Three

Arachnophobia (1990) – Comedy |Thriller

Directed by: Frank Marshall

Starring: Jeff Daniels and John Goodman

Format I Own: LaserDisc

20170411_234334

Synopsis

Arachnophobia begins like a lot of other movies in the ’90’s: Big city doctor (Jeff Daniels) moves to a small town with the intention of taking over the town’s only medical practice. Little does he know, a spider-bitten corpse from Venezuela was just dropped off and the carcass brought a huge and aggressive, 8-legged freak with him. Somehow, this baseball mitt-sized tarantula mates with a spider in this tiny farm town, and soon all Gremlinsesque hell breaks loose.

What I Love

I think love might be too strong of a word to describe how I feel about this movie, but I did love it as a kid and it’s definitely got some nostalgic value to it. By no means, though, is it a great movie. The effects are dated, they tried really hard to make it funny, which comes off as unnatural, and it’s hard to have Jeff Daniels carry your movie. Every scene with John Goodman is pretty damn good, but really, there’s not quite enough. The musical score is goofy as all hell, as well. But really, if you saw this as a kid, you’ll probably enjoy it merely for nostalgic reasons like I did.

My Favorite Scene

For almost the entire movie, Marshall and crew dog hard on this couple that really likes food. This guy is the town mortician and is constantly eating Ruffles around the corpses, and at a dinner party, he and his wife take full paper plates of food home. Well, when it’s time for the outbreak of spiders upon the town, one climbs into a disgustingly buttery bowl of popcorn that the portly couple is eating out of while watching Wheel of Fortune. It’s standard ‘it’s funny ’cause he’s fat’ fodder, but I still enjoyed it, especially when the murdering spider crawls out of the mortician’s nose after killing him.

 

What You Might Not Like

I think based on the title, it’s pretty obvious why a lot of people would not be able to handle this film. From the beginning, the spiders are big, they’re aggressive, and their actions play on everyone’s basic fears of spiders that bite. While watching, I admittedly lifted my feet off the floor a few times in momentary fear of some scuttling beings. They hiss, they jump and fly through the air, they have dripping, black fangs and they really couldn’t be more frightening.

How You Can Watch

  • Rent for $2.99 on Apple TV, Google Play, and Vudu

 

Final Score: 2.5/4

_____________

Similar Films: Gremlins, The Mist, Eight Legged Freaks

Twin Sneaks – Volume Two: Season One – Episodes 2-4

tp

Welcome to Twin Sneaks! I started this column about a year ago, but stopped watching the show as I wanted to wait until the new Season 3 was closer. What I’m hoping to do here is recap all the episodes for you guys leading up to the new premiere on May 21st (EEEEEK!!) After that, I’ll continue to recap the new episodes for you, and have them ready to go every Monday or Tuesday! There will, of course, be SPOILERS in these recaps, so please stop reading (or don’t, I’m not you mom) and WATCH THE DAMN SHOW ON NETFLIX, YOU JERK!

Twin Peaks – Season One: Episodes 2-4

Recap by Nick Spanjer

 

Episode 2: Traces to Nowhere

Directed by Duwayne Dunham

Written by Mark Frost and David Lynch

tp2

The first episode after the Pilot gives us a nice feeling of The Great Northern as Cooper recites his notes for Diane while hanging upside down from the ceiling in his boxers. “The true test of any hotel, as you well know Diane, is that morning cup of coffee, which I’ll be getting back to you about in a half hour.” Cooper then has his first of many cups of coffee in The Great Northern. “You know, this is – excuse me – a damn fine cup of coffee.” High-schooler Audrey Horne creeps in and is immediately lovestruck with the Agent. He uncomfortably returns this affection while talking about freshly squeezed grapefruits. 

Cooper then arrives at the Sheriff station in which every employee has their mouths full of donuts, including Sheriff Truman, who manages to violently cram an entire bearclaw into his mouth all at once. We find out Laura’s death was between midnight and 4 AM, and she died of blood loss due a number of different “shallow wounds.” Doc Heyward also mentions that she’d had sex with at least three men in the last 12 hours of her life. 

We then cut to Leo Johnson’s semi-truck, that is of course named “Big Pussycat.” He’s vacuuming out the cab while smoking a cigarette when his wife, Shelly Johnson tells him she has to leave work. He throws his bag of laundry at her and demands that she do it before she leaves, not caring if she’s late for work. Their washing machine is outside on some half-ass porch and as she pours his clothes into the machine, she finds a denim shirt stained in blood. Back at the Sheriff station, Cooper is grilling James Hurley about his alibi the night of Laura’s murder. James details the last time the two saw each other on his bike at the light at Sparkwood and 21, and she just ran into the woods at about 12:30 AM. Cooper refers to Laura’s diary and asks what happened on February 5th. We flash back to one of James’ ultra-emo memories of February 5th, when Laura admitted she knew he loved her and gave him half of the necklace. Careful viewers will note the necklace actually reads “Best Friends,” and this is where we realize that James was in all actuality, hardcore friend-zoned by Laura.

Over at Leo’s house, he’s angrily tearing his truck apart looking for the bloody shirt like a deranged, ponytailed neanderthal. Mike and Bobby are still in jail and are discussing Leo wanting the rest of the money for a coke deal that was pulled off while Laura was still alive. Over at the Heywards’, Donna comes downstairs to her mom in her hockey jersey pajamas and chides her for not waking her up. They discuss Laura’s death and Donna basically mentions that she’s happy Laura is dead so she can now be with Hug Me James.

Norma Jennings and one-eyed Nadine Hurley stumble into each other awkwardly at the General Store. Nadine, though mentally affected, clearly has an idea that her husband is secretly seeing Norma while she aggressively rambles on about her drapes that Ed bought her. Nadine mentions her new silent drape-runner invention and the secret behind them: “Cotton BALLS. By god, those things will be quiet now.” Back at the station, James is released into Ed’s custody as Deputy Hawk and Ed give each other the ‘teardrop’ Bookhouse Boys signal. James mentions he’ll need a hand from the Bookhouse Boys.

Over at the Packard estate, Josie awakens to find Pete cleaning fish and she thanks him for standing up to his wife, Catherine the day previous. Cooper and Truman arrive to meet with Josie, as Pete pours them a cup of coffee. They each take a drink of coffee as Pete comes running into the room yelling about a fish in the percolator. Catherine calls to tell Josie that shutting down the mill caused nearly $90,000 in losses.

We cut over to a cheap motel where an unclothed Catherine Martell watches Ben Horne putting his clothes back on after their hour-long, secret and disgusting romp. It is revealed that they are collectively attempting to sabotage the mill in hopes of gaining the land it sits on for the Ghostwood development. They horrifically flirt while discussing burning down the mill and the scene thankfully ends before moving to a vomit-inducing level of revulsion. At the Palmer’s house, Leland is attempting to console his grieving wife and Donna shows up to talk. Sarah breaks into another frenzy of crying and hallucinates her daughter’s head on Donna’s shoulders in a glorious display of 1989 video effects awesomeness. As she grips her tight, she suddenly envisions Killer Bob at the foot of Laura’s bed and erupts into absolute delirium.

At the hospital, Deputy Hawk is questioning Ronette Pulaski’s flannel-clad parents about her whereabouts on the night of Ronette’s attack and Laura’s murder. They reveal that Ronette was a salesgirl at the Horne’s Department Store’s perfume counter. The one-armed man steps off the elevator and Hawk leaves the parents to follow. He sees him going to the morgue, but for some reason, just lets this happen and walks away. We cut to Audrey dancing by herself in her father’s office at The Great Northern. He walks in after his geriatric fuckathon, annoyed at the sight of this and turns off the music. We find that they clearly have a terrible relationship, as he rubs chap stick on and questions Audrey about her role in the Norwegians’ sudden departure. She admits to this happily, in which Ben returns a brutal confession of his disappointment in her. “Laura died two days ago. I lost you years ago.” Damn, son.

Over at Bobby’s parents’ house, they are discussing Bobby’s girlfriend’s murder over dinner. Garland Briggs attempts to console his son with a strange, militaristic textbook form of sympathy that feels like GI Joe reading Shakespeare. Bobby places a cigarette in his mouth which his father violently slaps out, harpooning the cigarette into his mother’s slice of meatloaf. Over at the Double-R Diner, Cooper and Truman visit Norma Jennings while enjoying coffee and cherry pie. Cooper notes The Log Lady’s presence and waves with no response. The Log Lady comes over suddenly and asks Cooper to speak to her log about the night Laura died. Cooper looks bewildered, which disgusts her, so she leaves in a huff.

Back at Chez Johnson, Leo is cutting into a football with a switchblade like a true fucking psycho would. Shelly gets home from the diner and he places a bar of soap in a sock. She cutely expresses that she brought him some pie (like he asked) and instead of saying thank you like a normal human being, he asks where his shirt is. “Where’s my shirt…my favorite blue shirt?” He slaps the pie (that he fucking asked for) out of her hand, as she plays dumb. He turns on the radio to some Badalamenti 50’s bebop and watches her recoil into the corner of their awful skeleton of a house, while he spins the soap sock in the air.

Finally, we return to the Heyward’s for a ridiculously uncomfortable dinner scene where Hug Me James is already being introduced to Donna’s parents. He’s wearing a spectacularly awful sweater that puts Seinfeld’s Puffy Shirt to absolute shame. He opts for fruit punch to drink (of course) as Doc Heyward awkwardly questions James’ background. Mike and Bobby roll up to the house and see that James’ bike is outside. They note that James has now moved in on both of their girlfriends. “Too bad we can only kill him once.” Over at Dr. Jacoby’s, he’s listening to one of the tapes he had Laura make him in his Hawaiian-themed office. He grabs a fake coconut off a decorative tree and opens it while listening to Laura’s crying voice through headphones. He grasps the other half of the necklace from the inside of the coconut and begins to cry.

 

Episode 3: Zen, or the Skill to Catch a Killer

Directed by David Lynch

Written by Mark Frost and David Lynch

tp3

The beginning of this episode is drenched in David Lynch awesomeness, as the Horne’s eat silently while the credits roll before Jerry Horne makes his grand appearance, urging Ben to try a baguette he got in Paris. Ben tells Jerry what he missed concerning Laura’s murder and the Norwegians leaving before signing the contracts. This depresses Jerry, so Ben lifts him up by telling him there’s a new girl at the whorehouse he runs, and that Jerry has a 50% chance of being the first to try her out. These girls are in high school, by the way. “All work and no play make Ben and Jerry dull boys.” Nice, David Lynch.

Back at the Heyward’s, Donna and Hug Me James are still finishing the most boring dinner on earth while he swims in his sweater. The parents go to bed and they prep the dullest whisper conversation ever. Ben and Jerry arrive at One Eyed Jack’s ready to bang out some high school girls dressed like a hallucinatory deck of cards in Alice in Wonderland. Ben wins the coin toss and gross. Back at the Heyward’s, it’s midnight and Donna and Hug Me James are whispering for 10 minutes about being together and then kiss and ugh, who gives a fuck.

Cooper walks into his room at The Great Northern and receives a call from Deputy Hawk about Ronette and the one-armed man he saw. He hangs up and sees a letter slide under his door that reads “Jack with One Eye.” He smells the letter, because he’s Dale Fucking Cooper and that’s fucking weird, then smiles creepily knowing who wrote it. Mike and Bobby drive into some dark woods and get some coke out of a stump where Leo is waiting in the dark for them with a shotgun. They argue about money for a bit, as Bobby is about $10,000 short for the drugs since Laura had it hidden in the safety deposit box then died. Leo tells Bobby that he knows Shelly is cheating on him then goes into full Leo Johnson nuthouse mode.

Over at Ed and Norma’s, Ed trips over the drape runner invention and spills grease on them while Norma shows off her superhuman strength and angrily bends some steel. At the Johnson’s, a face-bruised Shelly is watching the show that oddly mirrors the Twin Peaks storyline, Invitation to Love when Bobby comes in. He sees the bruises and says he’s going to kill Leo before they start making out. At the Double-R diner, Ed and Norma talk more about their shitty, depressing lives without each other in them.

In the woods, Cooper and the Sherriff’s department prep an odd deductive technique that Cooper learned from a dream, because why the fuck not? Lucy pours them coffee and Cooper yells “Damn good coffee! And hot!” Based on what he read in the diary, Cooper mentions they’re looking for someone with J in their name. He draws a way too perfect circle in chalk, which has always bothered me to my core, for some reason. Every time one of the J names are read, Cooper throws a rock at a bottle that’s 60 feet and 6 inches away until it smashes upon the reading of Leo Johnson’s name…because, you know, David Lynch.

Back at the diner, Audrey walks in, plugs the jukebox and dances up to the bar for some black coffee because she wants to fuck Agent Cooper, and that’s what he likes. Donna walks over to her, and Audrey asks if Laura ever mentioned her father, Ben. Then Audrey gets up and dances like she just smoked five joints and yeah, Lynch definitely directed this episode. In the Sheriff station, Albert Rosenfield shows up in all his glorious assholery. Cooper warns Truman about him then squeezes his nose, which I’m really hoping was improv, because it’s amazing. Albert talks mad shit about Twin Peaks in front of Truman, and the sheriff goes full John Wayne in response. “I hear that you’re real good at what you do. Well that’s good, because normally if a stranger walked into my station talking this kind of crap, he’d be looking for his teeth two blocks up on Queer Street.” Welcome to 1990.

Ed comes home from the Gas Farm and Nadine over-excitedly tells him that his grease caused her drape runners to be completely silent, driving her to think they’re going to be rich from the invention. Over at the Martell’s, Pete and Catherine are getting ready for bed, when he sneakily gives Josie Grossie a key to the safe downstairs so she can get the ledger for the mill. Catherine yells at Pete and tells him to go to his room in one of the stranger dialogue exchanges yet. Josie finds two ledgers in the safe; one fake and one real.

Over at the Palmer’s, Leland puts on a record (the strangely snappy ‘Pennsylvania 6-5000’), and begins spinning with a picture of his murdered daughter, while weeping and screaming aloud. The phone begins ringing and Sarah runs in, when he breaks the picture and slices his wife’s hand open on the broken glass. She begins screaming, and with the music and the phone ringing, it’s one of the most stressful scenes in this entire show.

This episode ends in one of my favorite scenes in the entire series. In a dream, Cooper finds himself in the “Red Room” where a dwarf is shivering in the corner. It’s revealed that the one-armed man is named Mike and there is an evil entity named Bob. Cooper is clearly aged in the dream and he notices that Laura Palmer is sitting across from him. The dwarf turns and in warped speech yells, “Let’s Rock.” The whole scene must be seen to be believed, but it truly is the scene that hooked me on Twin Peaks.

Cooper awakens from the dream, with one of the greatest bedhead scenes in cinematic history, and calls Truman to tell him he knows who killed Laura.

 

Episode 4: Rest in Pain

Directed by Tina Rathborne

Written by Harley Peyton

tp4

The next morning, Cooper-obsessed Audrey is waiting for Cooper, and they uncomfortably flirt while Cooper admits he knows she wrote the letter that was left under his door. They talk about One Eyed Jack’s and Laura’s connection before Truman and Lucy show up. He repeats the dream to the sheriff and Lucy, and mentions that the Mike and Bob in the dream have nothing to do with Mike and Bobby, our local high school badasses. He admits that the killer’s name was whispered in his ear by Dream Laura, but he forgot it by the time morning rolled around.

Over at the morgue, Doc Heyward is arguing with Agent Dickhead Rosenfield over Laura’s blue corpse, while Ben Horne for some reason is staring creepily into her dead face. Rosenfield calls Truman a hulking boob then gets punched by our mulleted sheriff. Leland is watching Invitation to Love while being plugged with some kind of tranquilizer. His niece Madeline (Maddy) then appears in the doorway, and she just happens to not only look like Laura, but it’s also the same actress, Sheryl Lee. At the diner, Norma is meeting with her incarcerated husband Hank’s lawyer about Hank getting out of prison.

Out at Leo Johnson’s, Cooper and Truman follow up on the bottle-breaking deductive result and find Leo chopping wood in half-buttoned overalls, because that’s what pony-tailed Leo Johnson wears, god dammit. Cooper questions him about the night of Laura’s murder and Leo gives a bunch of angrily hilarious one-word answers. At the Briggs’ house, Bobby and family are getting ready for Laura’s funeral. His father, Major Garland Briggs, in all his almost Shakespearean glory, does his best to console his son concerning Laura’s death. Seemingly coked-out Bobby exclaims he’s going to turn the funeral upside down in his father’s attempt at consolation.

At the station, Cooper and Truman receive Rosenfield’s autopsy results and find that she was high on cocaine when she was killed, that she was bound with two different kinds of twine, an animal pecked and scratched at her, and that there was plastic in her stomach. Albert attempts to get Cooper to sign a sheet saying he was assaulted, but Cooper refuses and it is this moment that you know Cooper has fallen in love with Twin Peaks. At Ed and Nadine’s, Ed stares at his wife’s decorations in the most loathing manner possible before Nadine depressingly admits how much she’s always loved him. Then Hug Me James comes moodily through the door and announces he’s not going to Laura’s funeral, honestly pouting out the following shit from below his giant forehead: “I can’t. I just can’t.” He then legitimately runs out the door and jumps on his bike and fucking christ, I can’t stand him.

Over at The Great Northern, Audrey suddenly has a 90’s-era Prince haircut and watches Dr. Jacoby through a peephole, taking her brother Johnny’s Native headdress off for the funeral. So here we go: The Motherfucking Funeral. It starts off fine, until Cooper notices Bobby staring at the approaching James, who just fucking said he wasn’t coming. Bobby does what he promised and begins yelling ‘Amen!,’ then lectures the whole crowd about letting Laura die. This gets James all worked up into an emo frenzy and the two go at each other in slow motion, again, for some damn reason that I can’t name. Leland begins to cry then collapses on the coffin as the hydraulic begins to malfunction and wife Sarah begins screaming. The whole scene is wonderfully out of control and really makes Twin Peaks, Twin Peaks.

Back at the RR, Shelly is joking about Leland falling on the coffin with two old dudes, while Cooper arrives to meet Truman, Hawk, and Ed for some pie. Truman reveals that someone is running coke into town from Canada and they want Cooper’s help without revealing it to the FBI. Truman tells Cooper that there’s something evil and strange in the woods surrounding the town. “There’s a sort of evil out there, something very, very strange in these old woods. Call it what you want – a darkness, a presence. It takes many forms, but it’s been out there for as long as anyone can remember, and we’ve always been here to fight it.” This is when it is revealed that there is a secret society called ‘The Bookhouse Boys’ that has watched over the town for generations. They introduce Cooper to the Bookhouse and find Bernard Renault tied up, being watched by the Bookhouse Boys.

Over at the Roadhouse, the disgusting blob of a human, and Bernard’s brother, Jacques arrives to find that there is a red light on the roof, taken as a warning to stay away from bartending that night. Upon seeing this, he calls Leo, who is using a switchblade to get mud out of his boots in his kitchen, because he lives in the world’s most disgusting turd of a house. Jacques tells Leo that he needs help with a border run, and him and his sweater leave the way too cute Shelly behind right after she got off work.

Out at the Martell’s, Truman is talking to Josie Grossie about Catherine and Ben wanting to hurt her. Catherine is listening to the boring conversation, while Josie reveals to Truman that one of the ledgers is now missing. Catherine places the other ledger in her secret desk in the bedroom and shit, I hate this dumb storyline. At Laura’s moonlit grave site, Cooper approaches Dr. Jacoby who is delivering flowers to the recently deceased. Jacoby admits to Cooper that Laura meant way more to him than she should have as a high school girl, then we unfortunately return to Truman and Josie Grossie, where they whisper about Ben and Catherine’s conspiracy against her. Then they make out for like 15 minutes.

At The Great Northern, Cooper and Hawk discuss the Native thoughts on the duality of souls, while off-his-rocker Leland stands in the middle of  the dance floor, eyes closed. A swing number kicks on and he desperately asks around for a dance partner. Cooper and Hawk look on concerned before coming to his aid and taking him home.

I know I said I’d have the remainder of Season One in one recap, but it’s simply too much awesome to pack into one post! Come back this Friday, 4/14 for the rest of Season One!