CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 44: The Last Days of American Crime and The Wrong Missy

Welcome to Episode 44 of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where contributors of CinemAbysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there.

This week, we talk some Netflix originals: The 0% Rotten Tomatoes rated The Last Days of American Crime, and another entry in the exhausting Happy Madison catalog, The Wrong Missy. Come listen to us gripe!

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CinemAbysmal – The Podcast: Episode 43 – SHITTY SEQUELS: X-Men Apocalypse & Titanic II

Welcome to Episode 43 of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where contributors of CinemAbysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there.

This week, we talk really terrible sequels, including an Asylum Entertainment production of Titanic II and the end of the X-Men Universe over at Fox before Disney bought the world, Dark Phoenix, starring that awful Stark girl from Game of Thrones that nobody likes!

As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

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JUST F ALREADY PODCAST – EPISODE 14: HATE TO WANT YOU BY ALISHA RAI

Yo and Holly talk about the first book in the Forbidden Hearts series by Alisha Rai: Hate To Want You. There was a lot of love with this book for us, but also some struggles. We dissect it all and overall give a hearty recommendation for this book. We can’t wait to read the sequels! We also touch on white claws vs truly – which is better?

Hate To Want You is the first book in Alisha Rai’s Forbidden Hearts series and you can buy it here.

If you have a recommendation for what we should read next leave us an iTunes review, a comment on our Instagram or @ us on Twitter.

As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

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Cats (2019)

Cats (2019)

Directed by: Tom Hooper

Starring: Francesca Hayward and Taylor Swift

I have personally witnessed the chasms of eternal darkness. I have dipped my feet into colossal pools of unending madness. My own eyes are stained with what once could only be described as some half-glimpsed myth; a terror that should have perpetually imprisoned itself as a permanent fable of the future. This ghastly creature I am so carefully describing – as to not potentially disturb it, causing me any further harm – is 2019’s film adaptation of ‘Cats.’

What we are subjected to, immediately and relentlessly, is a musical world of such strange proportion and unbelievably hellish terror that can only be compared to the seediest areas of Tim Burton’s Gotham alleys, and Roger Rabbit Toontown hopelessness. It’s a wondrous hellscape of unnameable horror, and is filled with anthropomorphic furries decorated flagrantly and depressingly in an unfortunate CGI veneer just asking for the chair. And they sing. Oh, do they sing. And they do not stop singing.

I know what you’re thinking: this is a musical, isn’t it? Yes, it’s a musical. But this is a musical drenched morbidly in coats of a sticky and unfortunate series of mumbles and meandering murmurings. Spectral singing horrors dressed as wannabe high school thespians haunting hallways would be a less disturbing sight to behold. But this unrelenting group of yowling felines does not give you a chance to gather yourself in its diabolical hubris. Not for a moment.

While the music viciously pummels the audience into an attempted braindeath, the horrifying bodies of these “cats” maniacally gyrate and sway like a group of strippers attached crudely to an out of control state fair Tilt-a-Whirl. Taylor Swift’s character – and her abnormally human chest – was the first thing my girlfriend pointed out upon our seemingly decades-long release from the theater. Idris Elba spends most of the film dressed in some sort of trench coat before madly dropping it toward the conclusion, revealing a once-veiled contortion of muscle and fur that rivals any notable body horror scene in the last decade.

I don’t know what the flying fuck this movie was about. It’s a coke-fueled nightmare from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s fixation on T.S. Eliot’s fixation on housecats, and really, I kind of gave up researching right there. Actually, I had to Google whatever in the living hell a “jellicle” cat is, because that phrase is repeated more often throughout the film than any other. It’s infuriating how often this word is said without any explanation whatsoever, and to keep you from watching this historical misstep in cinema, I’m not going to explain what it is to you either.

The movie is a series of autobiographical introductions sung madly by each of the characters. I know this is simply how Broadway operates, but the cinematic counterpart just does not translate. This celluloid nightmare is relatively short in today’s Hollywood landscape. Somehow though, the film feels like a mucky, eternal task by the time the credits scroll. Someone clapped upon their merciful appearance, but I am holding out hope that this was some sort of sarcastic lambasting, or even celebratory relief.

This movie is now a thing that exists. It’s an unfortunate anomaly gliding terribly over unexplored swaths of the ocean, proudly sprinkling its dead skin upon us like flakes of expired fish food. I will not stoop to the shadowy depths of feline puns that many movie reviewers have (admittedly leading me to see this festering wound of a film), but I will say that this will be remembered for decades – a cult classic not deserving of the title. See this with caution. We do not deserve to be treated like this, but if masochism is your bag, have I got the movie for you.

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 42: Christmas Extravaganza! Mr. St Nick & Homeless for the Holidays

Welcome to Episode 42 of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where contributors of CinemAbysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there.

This week, we welcome our friend “Jersey Paul” for some REALLY bad Christmas movies, with Hallmark’s ‘Frasier Claus’ and the horrendous Christian Dramedy ‘Homeless for the Holidays.’ Shit, it was bad.

As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

Find this new episode and more on Spotify, iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher, Spreaker, and everywhere else you find podcasts! Just search for ‘Cinemabysmal’!

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 41: Evil Dead II & Halloween III: Season of the Witch & Jersey Paul

Welcome to Episode 41 of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where contributors of CinemAbysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there.

This week, Nick returns from “rehab” and we get spooky and discuss the Halloween classics Evil Dead II & Halloween III: Season of the Witch! We also talk about our friend Jersey Paul.

As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

Find this new episode and more on Spotify, iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher, Spreaker, and everywhere else you find podcasts! Just search for ‘Cinemabysmal’!

JUST F ALREADY PODCAST – EPISODE 13: RAFE: A BUFF MALE NANNY BY REBEKAH WEATHERSPOON

Yo and Holly are back discussing the best romance/erotica book we’ve read in a LONG TIME. Rafe: A Buff Male Nanny by Rebekah Weatherspoon.

Rafe is a white, tattooed, red headed, buff male nanny whose voice is ‘sex on a biscuit’ and Sloane is a famous black surgeon raising two twin girls who is in desperate need of someone to help care for them.

RAFE: A Buff Male Nanny (Loose Ends Book 1) by Rebekah Weatherspoon is only $4.99 and you can buy it here.

If you have a recommendation for what we should read next leave us an iTunes review, a comment on our Instagram, write to us on facebook or @ us on Twitter.

As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

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CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 40: Troll 2 with Eric & Nadine!

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Welcome to Episode 40 of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where contributors of CinemAbysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there.

While Nick takes a creative break, Dylan and Holly welcome back Eric and Nadine to guest with us on Troll 2, the worst movie ever made. We of course also get sidetrack and talk a lot about Homeward Bound and all the VH1 shows of the early 2000s (Rock of Love, Charm School, Flavor of Love, etc.).

As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

Find this new episode and more on Spotify, iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher, Spreaker, and everywhere else you find podcasts! Just search for ‘Cinemabysmal’!

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 39: The Mermaid & Kung Fu Hustle

Welcome to Episode 39 of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where contributors of CinemAbysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there. This week, we discuss the Stephen Chow films The Mermaid and Kung Fu Hustle, and Dylan softly gripes about Dark Phoenix while Holly explains what went wrong with Game of Thrones! Check it out in our BIO! As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

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A RECAP OF THRONES: SEASON EIGHT, EPISODE SIX: NO ONE IS VERY HAPPY, WHICH MEANS IT’S A GOOD COMPROMISE?

Image result for series finale game of thrones
By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)
In a nutshell:
Capture
Okay, quick recap.
Tyrion has had a bad week. He backed the wrong person, watched a bunch of people burn alive, found out he was not as smart as he thought he had always been and then found the last of his entire family dead and buried. Yikes. This kind of seemed like the end for him and Dany sent him to rot for a bit until she can have him executed. 
Daenerys has this great scene coming out from the ruins to talk to her people with Drogon’s wings behind her. Emilia Clarke’s acting through her facial expressions have been everything this season and she did not fail us in sending off Daenery’s properly. Her speech in Dothraki was truly awesome. I don’t have a problem with how her arc turned out I just feel like it needed to be done over the course a few more episodes and not completely normal to absolutely fucking mad in two episodes. 
Jon has turned out to me to be the biggest disappointment of all the characters. Even after he watches Dany burn everyone to the ground it takes a talk with Tyrion to convince him that MAYBE his queen is a bit psychotic. I was shocked he was even still defending her at this point. Seems like Jon’s purpose to coming back to life was to just murder Dany in the end. It wasn’t that shocking, but there you go. I think the saddest part was how quick it all happened. All that power, all that time spent getting here only to die at the hand of her lover feet from the throne she hoped to rule. Then Drogon is all ‘fuck that chair’, grabs a dead bitch and fucks off to Essos. Jon is redeemed only when he is forced to go back to Castle Black and give Ghost the pets he deserves. 
With Dany gone – who will rule? Jon is the most worthless choice at this point and I’m just thrilled no one else even brings up the idea that he should rule. I mean he did kill the queen so that might have something to do with it, but damn he has been the worst this season. 
Sam suggests democracy….lol
Sansa waits for everyone to name her Queen…nope. 
Grey Worm tells Tyrion to shut up – he agrees and then makes a speech. 
His speech essentially is that someone who knows all the stories should rule – to bind us together. He means Bran The Broken. And Bran’s all ‘yeah dude I didn’t just come all the way down here for fun with my dozens of furs and vacant expressions’. 
Sansa makes the North an independent nation and is Queen of the North. Bronn gets all the titles he ever needed. Davos is somehow still alive. The breast milk kid got taller, but still looks like a kid that drinks breast milk. Yara is there complaining. Grey Worm fucks off with his unsullied on the water. Tyrion becomes Hand again as punishment for sucking at being Hand. Arya sails west of Westeros. 
Perhaps the most touching of all the scenes this episode (besides Drogon nudging Dany’s lifeless body OH MY GOD WHY YOU MAKE ME CRY), was Brienne writing in the book of knights – a book made of paper that was somehow not destroyed with all that dragon fire. She writes of all of Jamie’s heroic deeds – leaving out his incest and the crippling of a child. It was rather touching. 
And finally, the greatest quote of this episode the one that explains how everyone is probably feeling right now: “No one is very happy. Which means it’s a good compromise I suppose.”
I see what you did there you little shitheads David Benioff and D.B. Weiss. I see what you did there. 
Best Quotes:
  • Tyrion: I freed my brother. And you slaughtered a city.
  • Tyrion to Jon: You have to choose now.
  • Dany: When I was a little girl my brother told me it was made with 1000 swords from Aegon’s fallen enemies. What do 1000 swords look like in the mind of a little girl who can’t count to 20?
  • Jon: Have you been down there? Have you seen? Children burned. Little children BURNED.
  • Dany: We do it together. We break the wheel together.
  • Jon: You are my queen. Now and always.
  • Arya: Say another word about killing my brother and I’ll cut your throat.
  • Tyrion: Bran is our memory. The keeper of all our stories.
  • Bran: Why do you think I came all this way?
  • Sansa: Tens of thousands of Northmen fell in the great war, defending all of Westeros. And those who have survived have seen too much and fought too hard ever to kneel again. The North will remain and independent kingdom, as it was for thousands of years.
  • Jon: There’s still a Night’s Watch?
  • Sam: A Song of Ice and Fire. Archmaester Ebrose’s history of the wars following the death of King Robert. I helped him with the title.
  • Tyrion: Ser Bronn of the Blackwater, Lord of Highgarden, Lord Paramount of the Reach, and Master of Coin. Would you say the crown’s debt you has been paid?
  • Davos: These projects will begin as soon as the Master of Coin and Lord of Lofty Titles provides funding.
  • Bronn: Are you master of grammar now too?