Month: August 2017

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E07: THE DRAGON AND THE WOLF

A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Seven: The Dragon and The Wolf

Thanks for waiting a day for this recap and reading it anyway! What a SEASON. See ya next year.

While the world spent the weekend engrossed in two men fighting in a ring and the Game of Thrones season finale, I was camping in a smoky wood covered in ash with no cell service, contemplating why I chose this weekend of all weekends to be without internet. Nevertheless, I made it back to civilization today and the first thing I did was sit down and watch this hour and half long episode of Game of Thrones. Apologies for the lateness, but let’s get into this.

Let’s start at Winterfell where the majority of my anxiety was this season. I so desperately wanted to believe that Sansa and Arya were playing this game together, but years of thinking characters were smarter than they are has only led me to disappointment so I kept my expectations low with this one and was fully ready for Sansa to possibly somehow get murdered (let’s be honest, no one is killing Arya). When Sansa brought Arya into the hall surrounded by guards and read chargers out loud I was hoping the charges were for Littlefinger, but I was keeping the option open of Arya just killing her sister at this point. I was very excited that the writers chose to actually give Sansa some brains this time around and indeed charge Littlefinger with treason and murder. Arya takes Littlefinger’s knife and slashes his throat, much to the approval of everyone in the room and at home on the couch. Now the sister’s wait for Jon to arrive with Dany.

At King’s Landing, every main character besides Arya and Sansa meet at the old Dragon pits. The Hound confronts his brother, The Mountain, and essentially let’s him know that he is eventually looking forward to killing him. No Cleganebowl yet guys. Soon.

Dany shows up on her dragon, which doesn’t seem to phase Cersei at all (love that bitch sometimes), and she seems utterly bored by the entire ordeal until they throw a white walker in her face. Then she’s like, ‘oh my unborn incest child might be in trouble!’, really solidifying the fact that she is an insanely selfish and terrible leader. Euron Greyjoy nopes out the second he sees the white walker, taking his fleet with him, and Cersei agrees to help fight the dead only if Jon refuses to bend the knee to Dany. Jon makes the best decision he can in regards to which decision will get him laid. He tells Cersei he can’t serve two queens and she gets up without making a deal and walks away.

Tyrion goes to right Jon’s mess, facing Cersei alone. They talk and she eventually agrees to help them fight the dead. Oh how simple and lovely! Like anyone believed that for a second at home on the couch, while everyone on screen believed it like Cersei is the most selfless person ever. Jamie prepares the Lannister army, but Cersei interrupts and tells him not to. She is going to keep everyone here and let Dany take care of the dead. She says that she has the Iron Bank behind her and the Golden Company will join them. Euron didn’t actually take off due to fright, he went to go pick up the army. Love that Cersei always has a plan, even when it’s insane. Jamie thinks she’s really lost her mind now (wow, finally), and goes to leave. Cersei threatens the Mountain on him, but Jamie knows she could never kill him. He makes it out of King’s Landing presumably to meet up with Brienne and the gang.

Sam shows up in Winterfell to talk to Jon, but instead gets Bran. Good old Sam is all smiles and kindness even when faced with the insanity that is now 3EB. Bran tells Sam that Jon is actually the bastard son of Lyanna Stark and Dany’s brother, Rhaegar Targaryen. Sam is says that actually he’s the legit son because he remembers everything, including last episode when Gilly was talking mad boring shit about Rhaegar’s annulment so he could marry Lyanna. Thanks for spelling out out nice and neat in case there was any doubt, writers. Also his real name is Aegon Targaryen.

Bran dubs him the true heir to the Iron Throne, and I’d normally be concerned about how Dany is going to take that, but she is taking him, I mean it, juuuuuussssstttt fine as the two get it the fuck on, while Tyrion strangely observes the entire thing from behind a door. Also, let’s take a moment to reflect on Kit Harrington’s amazing butt. Dany says she can’t get pregnant, but I bet Jon’s sperm will have something to say about that. So if Cersei is pregnant and Dany is pregnant does that mean we will have two baby’s born of incest in the near future? How is one good and the other is bad? The excuse of “this is just how the Targaryens do it” isn’t going to keep being a valid thing people say.

Insert some stuff about Theon beating a man to death to get the men loyal to Yara to go save her:

The episode ends at the Wall, where Tormund is keeping watch (hope he’s okay!) as the Army of the Dead finally makes it to the edge. The ice dragon shows up, and the Night King rides him along the wall, having the dragon shoot blue flames at the wall of ice, breaking it down completely. The episode ends with the wall crumbling and the army walking past it. Shti is going down for the final season of Game of Thrones, out sometime next year.

Hope you’ll join me then!

In the meantime, check Cinemabysmal Radio’s THREE podcasts, and check back on the site regularly for awesome movie and tv reviews.

Best quotes this week:

Sansa: When the snows fall and the white winds blow the lone wolf ies, but the pack survives.
Bran: Jon is Aegon targaryen. The rightful heir of the Iron Throne.
Brienne: Fuck honor and oaths.

Ed Wood Jesus Do? – Lemon

Film: Lemon (2017)

Directed by Janizca Bravo. Written by Bravo and Brett Gelman.

Available for rent OnDemand, Amazon Video, & Google Play.

this shit was written by eric

Lemon is a 2017 film directed by Janizca Bravo about a man struggling in every aspect of his life. Isaac, played to great effect by Brett Gelman, is a theatre director whose long-term blind girlfriend is cheating on him, his prized student is getting better gigs, and his own acting career exists in short unheard monologues of mid-nineties New York. His family exists as an array of unhinged neuroses ranging from their son’s inability to move furniture without scratching the walls to the shame of having his face featured as the poster boy for those suffering with Hep C. The film is a beautiful trip and does a great job of stripping away the indie man-child dramedy streamlined in the 2000s by Noah Baumbach and Wes Anderson.

I was delighted to see Brett Gelman star in this film, as I have been a fan of his comedically creepy characters for years. He has had bit parts and side-character spots on random TV shows, and he certainly does not disappoint in this film. His performance is dry and despicable and he rides the very difficult line between pseudo-poignancy and complete contemptibility with great aplomb. Bravo in her own right, is an incredible artist and photographer. She directed a short film in 2013, starring Michael Cera entitled Gregory Go Boom, which felt like Gummo meets Napoleon Dynamite, but better, and she also published a photo series with Vice called TOUPEE between 2011 and 2012 with Gelman starring as her muse, which was equal parts quirky and charming. (He also wrote the accompanying story.)

The film itself boasts an amazing look and feel. Much of the comedy is derived from the incredibly awkward interactions between pompous Isaac and the rest of the world. He is a character trapped in the metaphysical ramblings of theatrical “processes,” and his only passion comes from berating the “lesser” actress Tracy (Gillian Jacobs). Funnily enough, he even pawns that job off to Alex, played stunningly well by Michael Cera. What we are left with is a film about an artist who is so wrapped up in his own “art” that he forgets how to interact with other humans. It is very reminiscent of Caden Cotard in 2009’s Synecdoche, New York, and also draws so well from many other sources. There are bits of surrealism that seem sponged from Quentin Dupieux’s milieu, the social awkwardness of an LA in competition with itself from Curb Your Enthusiasm, and the real messy bits about confronting your own human emotions, as is seen in the films of Yorgos Lanthimos. It also has the yellow coloring and gorgeous soundtrack you’ve grown accustomed to seeing in a Paolo Sorrentino flick.

Though drawing from very different artistic realms, the film feels wholly of itself. It has an Anti-Hero who isn’t fully a hero, because there is perhaps no part of the film in which he takes full advantage of his agency, and in many ways, the film follows suit. There is so much action that takes place off-screen. It is as though we are watching the downfall of a human Plinko disc, just bouncing off interactions and scenarios and experiences with no true will of his own. Even in the scene where Isaac attempts to intimidate Alex with a knife, Alex appears more off-put and annoyed than frightened. You could not see a lazier, more reluctant fight than the one between these two. In fact, he is so lazy, he can’t even muster enough energy to sing “A Million Matzo Balls” with his family, which is the most entertaining, vividly gorgeous, and downright fun scene in the entire film. In fact, the only time he ever really acts at all is at the hallucinated behest of his new love-interest Cleo’s grandmother, in which he runs her wheelchair down the street in an attempt to help her escape after having a few strokes.

Lemon is an absolute delight that will affect your brain for days to come. I wholeheartedly look forward to seeing more films from Bravo in the future. The music and sound design is thrilling and evocative, and this is a film not to be missed.

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E06: BEYOND THE WALL

A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Six: Beyond the Wall

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

Next week’s Recap episode will be a day late! Look for it next Monday night. In a way that’s good though? Makes us a day closer to season eight!

Arya and Sansa are fighting again. Instead of…I don’t know…talking to each other? Littlefinger has it all worked out and manipulates Arya into a fight with Sansa over her loyalty to her family. Sansa consults in Littlefinger who suggests that Sansa involve Brienne who swore loyalty to Catelyn Stark to protect her daughters…even from each other. Instead, Sansa sends Brienne to King’s Landing in her stead. Apparently Cersei invited Sansa down to ‘talk’ and she makes Brienne go instead. Not sure how any of this helps Sansa….or Arya….or Littlefinger. Even Brienne looks confused AF and I don’t believe for a second that Cersei would invite Sansa anywhere because she would bore Cersei to death. So something is up.

Sansa goes snooping in Arya’s room and finds her dead people masks. Arya essentially threatens her. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? The character development for Arya here doesn’t make sense. Either Sansa and Arya are actually in alliance (although the evidence against this is becoming overwhelming) or all that training Arya did doesn’t make her see she is falling into Littlefinger’s trap. And Sansa has become this crazy power hungry nightmare? I hate them both right now. The other option is that Arya has already killed Littlefinger and is pretending to be him. Which would be kind of insane.

Tyrion tries to consult Dany, but he goes about it in entirely the wrong way. The conversations starts civilly discussing how to meet with Cersei if she accepts the invitation. Tyrion teases Dany about her obvious boner for Jon. Then he brings up the idea of her successor to the throne if Dany dies. WHY TYRION. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SMARTER THAN THIS. First this dip shit plan with Cersei and trusting Jaime and now THIS. Come on dude. Dany leaves the meeting unhappy with her Hand and the audience leaves it unhappy with him as well.

North of the wall, hilarious conversation ensues with The Hound and Tormund discussing Brienne. Tormund talks about the strong children they’re going to have together and The Hound remembers fighting her. Gendry is cold and whiny and The Hound makes fun of him for it. Jon and Jorah discuss the sword Jorah’s father gave Jon. Jon tries to give it back, but Jorah lets him have it. Through the snow, they see two blue eyes and it turns out to be a giant white walker polar bear. They kill it with fire, but not before The Hound is horrified (mostly by the fire) and a few no name people with them die from it.

They happen upon a small group of White Walkers and manage to kill all but one. They trap it but not before being overrun by a huge group of White Walkers. They kill the main white walker and somehow it kills all the other ones. So that’s helpful information to know. They make it to the middle of a lake that the Walkers don’t’ want to cross because it’s half frozen. Gendry makes it away to the Wall to send a raven to Dany for help. Tyrion advises that it’s too risky, but Dany wants some of that hot Jon Snow ass and refuses to let him die. Eventually a battle ensues and just when things start to look bad, Dany shows up with her Dragons.

The main White Walker, The Night King, takes one of his ice spears and kills one of the dragons, as it falls into the icy lake. Dany is horrified and manages to get everyone out alive except Jon. Beric, The Hound, and Jorah take their White Walker prisoner and get on the Dragon with Dany as she exits with her two remaining dragons. Jon is left behind and it looks like he’s going to die when his Uncle Benjen shows up and distracts the Walkers, giving Jon his horse to ride back to the wall (again, weird, but it’s such a strange plot point I’m gonna gloss over it). Dany watches him arrive with a full on lady boner.

Later, Jon awakes and Dany is hanging out lookin’ at him naked (essentially). She sees his death scars from the stabbings he took. Jon calls her ‘Dany’ and she doesn’t like that (too bad Imma keep doing it, maybe you should try having an easier name to spell). Jon says, ‘How about ‘My Queen’ then?” And she splooshes everywhere. They hold hands for a bit, very risque, and essentially solidify their ever growing love.

Oh, and remember that dead polar bear? Remember how animals can become White Walkers? REMEMBER. The last scene we are left with is the Night King, dragging the dragon’s body out of the frozen lake and, you guessed it, now we have A DRAGON WHITE WALKER WHAT. So….does it breathe ice? This is A Song of Ice and Fire guys!

Best quotes this week:

Gendry: How do you keep your balls from freezing off?

Tormund: You gotta keep moving. That’s the secret. Walkin’s good, fighting’s better, fucking’s best.

Dany: Jon Snow’s not in love with me

Tyrion: Oh, my mistake. I suppose he stares at you longingly because he’s hopeful for a successful military alliance.

Beric: We’ll meet again Clegane.

Hound: I fucking hope not.

New Ed Wood Jesus Do? Podcast Episode

Head on over to Spreaker and check out the latest episode of the Ed Wood Jesus Do? Podcast in which the podcrew jump head on into that milky sex pool to dissect the film, production, and idiosyncrasies of Eraserhead, David Lynch’s 1977 student film that took the Midnight Movie world by storm and propelled its director into the art film limelight. Come peep this perfect film with us and don’t even try to skip this episode.

Also available on Itunes and Google Play.

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 14: Old Dogs and Showgirls

Welcome to the 14th episode of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where the three writers of cinemabysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there. Our friend Jared Munson, voted Spokane’s Funniest Comedian, joins us as we talk about Showgirls & Old Dogs and get a little off topic most of the time. Check it out on all your favorite apps below! As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

iTunes – https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cinemabysmal/id1153464020?mt=2

Google Play Music – https://play.google.com/music/m/Irjld24rxpsi22hdnugilmxh57u?t=CinemAbysmal

Stitcher – https://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=128435&refid=asa

Spreaker – http://www.spreaker.com/show/cinemabysmals-show

You can also find us on BeyondPod! Just search for CinemAbysmal.

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E05: EASTWATCH

A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Five: Eastwatch

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

Okay first off, don’t name an episode Eastwatch, tell us a great battle is going to take place there via the flames The Hound sees, and then not give us a big battle at Eastwatch. Also, let’s assume that this episode takes place over several months because holy shit there is a lot of time traveling of characters here.

Jaime and Bron survive the dragon attack, yippie. Jamie heads back to King’s Landing and he wants to convince Cersei to surrender after realizing that Daenerys has THREE dragons and he just saw the damage one could do. He heads back to King’s Landing to tell Cersei that they can’t win, but she’s in so over her head at this point giving up would actually be the crazy thing to do. The best bit of this scene is Jaime telling Cersei that Olenna killed Joffrey. The classic stone cold bitch face Cersei gave was epic.

At the remnants of the battle, Lannister men are left to bend the knee or be killed. Sam Tarly’s father and his brother refuse, so Dany burns them alive. Quickly, the rest bend the knee. Tyrion and Varys aren’t sure that was the right move on her part, but I think it was and I agree with it. Sam’s dad is a dick anyway, and now Sam’s officially Lord of The Reach so that worked out.

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Back in Old Town, Slughorn doesn’t want to tell Sam that his brother and Dad are dead, and Sam bounces out of Old Town with Gilly and little Sam and fuck ton of stolen books about White Walkers before he can. Sam is tired of the Maesters not listening to him about the Army of the Dead dangers so he peaces out. Also, he seems to not be able to stand another conversation with Gilly, who has learned to read, and is full of nonsense facts. Oh, except for the fact that she finds out that Rhaegar and Lyanna’s marriage was in fact legal because Rhaegar was granted an annulment to his previous marriage from a maester. Kind of a big deal. PAY ATTENTION SAM.

Bran (3EB) takes over the body of a raven to fly beyond Eastwatch. He see’s the army of the dead. Spoiler: it’s a lot of people. The only thing that’s going to kill them at this point is lots of dragon fire. Lots of it. 3EB has Sansa send a message to Jon about what he has seen.

Dany flies back to Dragonstone, landing in front of Jon hoping to impress him with her dragon. Amazingly, Drogon (who by the way has survived the spear in the side) lets Jon touch him. It’s that Targaryen blood baby! Dany is more than a little turned on.

They go inside and Jon gets Sansa’s letter (he takes a moment to be happy that Arya is alive, yay!). Jon says he has to leave and fight the White Walkers. Dany is reluctant to lend help because the second she heads North, Cersei will take the country over. Tyrion thinks that if they can bring back one soldier from the Army of the Dead, then she will create some sort of truce to let Dany fight them and maybe surrender in turn? I’m sorry, have you met Cersei? That bitch isn’t surrendering to ANYONE. She would rather watch an Army of the Dead burn the entire world down than do that. Come on you guys. This is kind of a worthless mission. Tyrion says that the only person Cersei listens to is Jaime and if he can get Jaime to convince Cersei to agree to have them bring a White Walker in, all their problems will be solved. Right. Okay.

In more bad news at Winterfell, Arya thinks she is being sneaky and tailing Petyr. She finds a scroll he has hidden and it looks like it’s from Sansa to Robb. The letter that Cersei forced her to write telling Robb to bend the knee a long ass time ago. Not sure what Arya makes of this information, but she’s onto Littlefinger. Oh except Littlefinger is playing her like a fucking fiddle. He planted the evidence and watches her find it. He is trying to create a rift between the sisters and my anxiety about this is HIGH. SUPER HIGH. Arya already confronted Sansa earlier saying that she sees Sansa is hoping Jon won’t come back and that she will get to stay Lady of Winterfell. THIS IS NOT GOOD.

Davos takes Tyrion to King’s Landing (everyone is traveling A LOT right now, VERY quickly so just ignore that otherwise the entire thing will drive you crazy). Tyrion gets Bronn to set up a meeting in the Catacombs with Jaime while Tyrion tells him his plan. Tyrion tells Jaime that Dany will win the war, but she’s willing to suspend hostilities if Cersei will let them bring a dead/alive zombie thing to her. WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? Jaime goes up to tell Cersei about the meeting but she already knows about it (oh snap). Jaime tells Cersei about the dead men and the armistice, but Cersei just laughs and tells Jaime that she’s pregnant with his baby so now they need to fight for the baby. Jaime for some reason is charmed by this and seems to concede with Cersei who says that he better never betray her again. Davos goes to find good old Gentry Water’s, Robert Baratheon’s bastard son who he last saw rowing away after he helped him escape the Red Woman. Gendry’s weapon of choice is a giant hammer and he kills two Lannisters on the way out of town with Davos and Tyrion in tow.

At Dragonstone, Jorah shows up and is super friendzoned again. Once he sees his new competition in Jon he sadly gives up once more. Dany doesn’t want Jon to go, but doesn’t say it out loud. It’s just super obvious. Even Tyrion sees it. Jon kind of is into it but he’s too busy brooding about White Walkers so he takes off with Jorah, Davos, and Gendry to Eastwatch.They are going to kidnap a White Walker to convince Cersei (good luck with that!) to stop fighting for a bit while they save Westeros from an Army of the Dead. Jon and Gendry meet and bromance it up, thrilled to meet each other since they knew each other’s father’s. Gendry essentially is like, “Hey bro we’re both bastards, our dads are both dead, let’s be best friends and kill some White Walkers”. At Eastwatch, Jon, Thoros, Bedric, The Hound, Tormund, Gendry, Davos and Jorah all go beyond the wall to get themselves a zombie. It’s a pretty impressive group actually and they might just have a shot.

Best quotes this week:

Davos: Bad things are coming

Gendry: You came to get me. You want me to come with you

Davos: Well, the thing you need to understand is…..

Gendry: I’m ready, let’s go

Jon: If I don’t return at least you won’t have to deal with the King of the North anymore

Dany: I’ve grown used to him

THE OC SUNDAYS – VOLUME SIXTEEN: S01: E16 – THE LINKS

THE OC SUNDAYS – VOLUME SIXTEEN: S01: E16 – THE LINKS

The O.C. Sundays – Volume Sixteen – Season One: Episode Sixteen – The Links

Recap by Holly Hill

Why Rewatch The O.C.?

The O.C. premiered on August 5, 2003 and ended on February 22, 2007. Or May 18, 2006 if you like to pretend that the fourth season never happened (a lot of people do, it’s okay). The O.C. not only introduced a lot of people to some fantastic music through its heavily bought mix tapes (this is before YouTube, Spotify, & Apple Music), it also created Chrismukkah, and inspired a decades worth of ‘THE REAL’ reality shows.

Not sure what I mean by that? Well The O.C. prompted the reality show Laguna Beach: The Real O.C., and a thousand other spinoffs to it. The catch phrase ‘The Real O.C.’ morphed into The Real Housewives of fill in the blank rich people cities.

Needless to say, despite its shortcomings, The O.C. had some great writing, a fantastic soundtrack, and truly inspired a generation worth of TV, for better or worse. The O.C. is the only TV show I own on box set. I haven’t watched it in awhile, so why don’t we watch it together? Whether you’re new to The O.C. (you can stream it on Hulu) or a long time fan, it’s a show anyone with a love for the dramatic can enjoy.

Recap:

This photo above is just everything. I mean REALLY Marissa? Is she so damn blind that she thinks Oliver just wants to be her friend?

Oliver shows up at Marissa’s Dad’s place. Is anyone going to ask how Oliver knew where she lived?

Marissa doesn’t seem to care and is just worried Oliver might think she’s poor because her Dad’s place is a really nice apartment in Newport rather than a gigantic mansion in Newport. Oliver apologizes for trying to buy coke and says it was his rock bottom, he called his parents and came clean and also his sponsor. He’s gonna go to meetings again and he was honest with Natalie and they’re getting back together (uh-huh). Oliver wants to say thanks to Ryan helping him out so he invites Marissa and Ryan and all their friends to go golfing in Palm Springs at his parent’s place (which they definitely own, uh-huh). Oliver promises that his parents and Natalie will be there. Marissa calls Ryan to ask if he wants to go and while she’s gone Oliver puts a photo of Marissa and Ryan behind another one because he can’t stand to look at it. Okay psycho.

In the backyard at the Cohen’s, Sandy is teaching Ryan how to golf and it turns out he’s awful at it. Ryan is clearly not digging the idea of this weekend at Olivers. Kirsten and Sandy wonder if they can trust Oliver, but Sandy says they trust their kids and since Oliver’s parents are supposed to be there it’s all good right? Besides they have bigger things to worry about. Julie and Caleb are back from Europe today.

Sandy: After confirming all of Europe’s worst suspicions about Americans, I guess.

Kirsten says that she assumes this homecoming also means that Hailey will hit her Dad up for some cash and then take off again. Sandy runs into Jimmy who has just been turned down at a job interview for some crab shack looking restaurant. Sandy says he has to go to dinner with Caleb, Hailey, Julie and he and Kirsten tonight because they’re going to the Lighthouse, a fancy yet delicious restaurant that is about to close down. Jimmy says he’s probably going to leave town and Sandy says he will see if he can get him an unglamorous job at his work. Later, Sandy tries to talk to his boss about getting Jimmy a job, but his boss is like ‘fuck no’. He says that if Sandy likes Jimmy Cooper so much maybe he should go into business with him.

Summer says she sarcastically can’t wait to join them in Palm Springs for Couplefest 2004. Marissa and Ryan, Oliver and Natalie, Anna and what’s-his-face-Cohen. Summer says she has to go to prove that she’s cool with them just being friends.

Summer: And I can’t sabotage the trip if I’m not there.

Don’t worry Summer, Oliver will do that for you. Ryan voices his fears about Oliver to Marissa who says not to worry because NATALIE will be there, and Oliver just wants to be her FRIEND. Seth and Anna are ‘being cute’ in Seth’s room until Summer comes in and cock blocks the day. Luke is packing up the beer in the back of the truck and Summer takes the moment to give Seth some shit in front of Anna.

Luke makes an attempt to hit on Summer and her response is as follows:

Then Oliver shows up and he’s upset because he and Natalie broke up. Marissa says that he and her should talk it over together on the ride over to Palm Springs. Because they’re such good friends. Anna, Seth and Ryan take a car, Ryan hops in with Luke, and Marissa and Oliver head out together. Ryan is getting a little fucking pissed off.

Meanwhile, Caleb and Julie show up early and Caleb is thrilled when he finds out Hailey is back. Julie, less so.

Ryan and Luke show up at the house to find Marissa and Oliver on the couch a little too close together, still talking about Oliver’s break up. Ryan says they tried following them but it was hard to keep up. Someone is trying to ditch Ryan.

Oliver: Sorry for taking your girlfriend away from you, but don’t worry she’s all yours.

Ryan: I wasn’t worried.

COME ON MARISSA. Do you really think he’s not into you? Ryan asks where Oliver’s parents are and he says their plane got delayed in Zurich so they aren’t going to make it. How convenient. He puts Marissa and Ryan up in a room with two twin beds. So thoughtful. Oliver mentions to Ryan privately that he knows all about the Marissa and Luke saga and Marissa told him all about his background from Chino. Ryan obviously doesn’t like that. Oliver is clearly poking the bear.

Oliver: Just that you’re so well adjusted….considering.

Ryan: Considering…

Considering Ryan wants to punch his fucking face. On the golf course, Oliver touches Marissa inappropriately while teaching her to golf. Oliver keeps nagging Ryan about his bad golf game to the point where even Luke wants to punch him. Oliver asks Marissa if he’s being to mean, because all he wants is to be friends with Ryan. Marissa takes the bait as if it’s Ryan’s fault they aren’t getting along. Stupid idiot white girl. Oliver says the last guy back to the house buys the first round as he hops in a golf cart with Marissa, Ryan and Luke take off in the other and Ryan is determined to win. Oliver gets a little intense in a game of chicken and Ryan crashes the car. He asks Oliver what the hell his problem is.

Oliver: I thought we were just joking.

Ryan: Nice joke man, come down here and tell me another one.

Marissa says he was just playing, and Luke privately tells Ryan that he doesn’t think Oliver was joking either.

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Before dinner, Sandy tells Kirsten that he thinks Jimmy’s best bet is to start over somewhere new and he and Jimmy will discuss his options over dinner tonight, just the two of them. Kirsten has a talk with Caleb about not giving Hailey money because she’s worried that Hailey will disappear again. Hailey finds out and freaks out on Kirsten. Hailey packs up and leaves, taking off. Jimmy and Sandy go to dinner at the Lighthouse by themselves and over alcohol they decide that they will buy the restaurant and turn it around. Jimmy used to manage and work at the place so why not just go into business together? Sandy comes home really drunk and tries to be stealthy, but fails miserably. Sandy tells her the good news about the restaurant. Kirsten tells Sandy he’s crazy and drunk, but he supports him. Gawsh they’re cute. Whatever happened to that coworker Rachel that was trying to bone him? It’s forgotten? Okay.

That night, Seth and Anna try to get it on a bit, but Summer comes in and interrupts. She says she hoped it was a weekend they could all hang out as friends. She guilts them into hanging out with her. They make quirky cute witty banter about the tv shows until Summer says they are so cute. Just like brother and sister. Then leaves them to not touch each other the rest of the night. Ryan cleans up the kitchen and Oliver comes in to help. Oliver asks if they can start over their relationship. He asks what he can do to make things right with Ryan.

OH SNAP. Oliver freaks out and breaks a plate, losing his fucking mind. He starts hitting himself in the head like real crazy person. Marissa comes in, in her bikini and asks what happened. Oliver freaks out and says he’s gonna get some fresh air. Marissa turns on Ryan as if this freak out is his fucking fault. Marissa stays up waiting for Oliver to come home like a sad girlfriend. Oliver calls Marissa and says he drove back to Newport and took a bunch of pills. Marissa tells him to call an ambulance and he says he’ll try to throw up the pills. But mostly he wants her to come back to Newport because he’s scared. Marissa says she’s leaving right now. Wow he’s got her wrapped around her finger.

Ryan and Marissa drive back and Marissa frantically tries to call Oliver. Then the best scene ever happens. It cuts from Marissa freaking out, to Oliver dancing around the room, creating a scene of pills and devastation as he sips a scotch and dances around to “It’s Not Unusual” by Tom Jones while staring at at the phone as Marissa calls and calls. Holy shit he’s a fucking insane person. Marissa and Ryan make it back and are banging on his door. Marissa tells Ryan to call security and the second he leaves, as if Oliver was just waiting for that to happen, he opens the door. He’s showered and walking around saying he got all the pills out of his system. RIGHT. Ryan says they should take him to the emergency room, trying to call Oliver’s bluff. Oliver says then he’ll be under suicide watch and they’ll call his parents, which Ryan clearly doesn’t think is a bad thing.

Oliver is getting ready for bed and Marissa tells Ryan she’s staying with Oliver tonight. Ryan tells her his theory that Oliver didn’t actually try to kill himself. Marissa freaks out. Ryan asks what kind of person does this? And Marissa tells Ryan to go, because she thinks it’s a jab at her. Oliver comes in and apologizes confirming Marissa’s thoughts that Ryan is the jerk here. Ryan leaves, but the last scene is of him looking like he wants to punch a fucking wall.

Best Song of the Episode:

“It’s not unusual” by Tom Jones

Best Quote:

Sandy: We’ll have a nice meal and a couple of drinks , and talk about Jimmy’s next move.

Kirsten: Alcohol — yes inspired.

Sandy; How do you think I got you to marry me?

Caleb (walks in): So you were drunk! That explains everything, Kiki.

Number of Non-White People with Actual Lines in This Episode:

They’re in Palm Springs so that’s a huge hell no to non-white people showing up.

Weird 2004 thing:

Seth and Anna are bummed that McDonald’s doesn’t serve egg McMuffins past 10:30am. WElCOME TO 2017 SETH COHEN! We got that shit on lock (at special locations)

Best Fashion Statement:

Obvious Reasons to NOT trust Oliver Trask:

He knows who you are even though you have no friends or places in common
He knows your medical history
He lives in a hotel
Anna says her parents know the parents of the guy who’s throwing the party, but she doesn’t know who Oliver is.
He says his girlfriend lives long-distance so you’ll probably never get to meet her. Super convenient.
He gives you ‘come make out with me’ eyes on new years even though he knows you have a boyfriend.
His name isn’t on the list for backstage passes at the front door but he meets you in back to get you in
His girlfriend Natalie never shows up when he says she will (spoiler, she doesn’t exist)
He makes angry phone calls about cocaine then tries to buy some off an undercover cop and gets arrested
He watches you and your friends creepily from outside your house.
He says his parents and Natalie will be in Palm Springs, then they don’t show up
He tries to run out off the golf course by causing you to die in a golf cart accident
He breaks a plate and freaks out when you call him on his shit
He fakes a suicide attempt so he can make sure he has your full attention

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E04: THE SPOILS OF WAR

A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Four: The Spoils of War

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

Ummm…holy shit. Let’s get started because we have a lot to cover.

Cersei is talking with Tycho, the head of the Iron Bank, about her debt being paid ASAP. She says Jaime is gonna bring it soon and Tycho is a little sad because she no longer will owe anything to them. Cersei still needs a bigger army and weapons so Tycho tells her he can help her with an outside investment. Cersei mentions that Qyburn has made overtures to the Golden Company, a group of sellswords, in Essos. Essentially Cersei wants to hire the sellswords to help expand her military and take back certain regions, and Tycho pledges the Bank’s full support….as soon as he gets his money.

Petyr gives Three Eyed Bran the dagger that was almost used to assassinate him in season one after he saw Jaime and Cersei getting it on. Bran doesn’t really give a fuck about any of that shit though and as Petyr leaves, Meera enters. After her brother dies for him, and she drags his ass all over the seven fucking kingdoms and beyond she says she should probably go home now. Bran is like….yeah you do that. Meera is understandably a little pissed, but in a way understands. Bran died in that cave beyond the wall, and now he’s three eyed Bran. He’s seen so much shit that he can barely remember who he is. He is essentially 3EB, which is also the way the band Third Eye Blind like to spell their name sometimes so that’s kind of weird, but I’m gonna go with it from now on when we refer to Bran….I mean 3EB.

Arya shows up and it seems as if she will never get past the gates….SOMETHING will go wrong, but she makes her way down to the crypts after she tells some guards to tell Sansa she’s here. Sansa knows where to find her and they reunited amongst the bones of their dead father. It’s heartwarming, but also strange. Three of the Starks are back at Winterfell, together, and it should be a happy moment, but instead it feels off. They’ve all been through so much collectively that they aren’t the same people anymore. Even Jon has come back from the fucking dead. Sansa tells Arya that Bran is back, but he’s weird AF so watch out. Arya and Sansa meet with 3EB by the weirwood. 3EB gives Arya his valyrian steel dagger that once tried to kill him (nice, it can be used to kill white walkers!) and they have a weird conversation. Later, Arya spars with Brienne and is a formidable opponent. It’s pretty amazing. Sansa watches from afar, pretty disturbed that her sister is a killing machine and her brother is a fucking know it all zombie essentially. Petyr looks on wondering I’m sure how he can use Sansa’s unease to his advantage.

Jon asks Daenerys to follow him into the cave full of valyrian steel and she looks as if she’s hoping he’ll show her his dick. No luck though as Jon shows her petroglyph’s in the cave depicting the first men (humans) and the children of the forest (those creepy creatures/children north of the wall also the first beings ever apparently) fighting together against the White Walkers. Jon’s like, “You want evidence that you need to help me, bitch? Well here it is!” Dany says she will help Jon fight them if he bends the knee. Omg Dany you’re all going to die, just let it go and help! Jon seems convinced though that it’s worth bending the knee if he can save his people. Prediction! Jon bends, the people are pissed, and this is how Littlefinger turns Jon’s men against him. Then of course Dany fights back with dragons and they all give up and kill Littlefinger (in my dreams).

When they emerge out of the ‘I wish we had had sex in there’ cave, Tyrion is around with more bad news about how his plan did not work. Dany is ready to go with her dragons and burn the Red Keep to the ground. She asks Jon what he thinks she should do, and he says that’s not the way and she kind of agrees. Maybe that’s not the right location she needs to strike.

Davos asks Jon what he thinks of Dany. Jon says she has a good heart, and Davos says he didn’t realize he was checking out her heart. Bow Chicka Wow Wow. It’s so happening. As they’re talking they see a Greyjoy ship approaching and they go down to the beach and Jon watching in disbelief as Theon disembarks the boat. Remember that Theon killed all his childhood friends at Winterfell when he took it, then he burned two innocent children making Jon think it was his brothers, and he essentially betrayed him. THEN of course, he also helped Sansa escape Ramsey’s clutches so Jon tells him that’s the only reason he’s not beating the shit out of him right now. Theon says he came to ask Dany to save his sister, and Jon says she’s not there. So where is she?

Now it’s time for an epic unexpected battle…INVOLVING DRAGONS. It’s a weird battle though because for the first time since Blackwater Bay we have people we like (Bronn and Jaime) fighting against people we like (Dany, Dragons and Tyrion). Jaime is marching back with his men from conquering Highgarden. Bron still wants his castle and for some reason Jaime is being a dick about it. Unfortunately, the gold has gone ahead of them to King’s Landing and has arrived safely. Most of the army is gone, but Jaime and Bron are with the stragglers when they suddenly hear a fuck ton of hooves. They form the line like a normal battle as they see the Dothraki approach in great numbers. Where have these Dothraki been? Not to be a spoilsport, but Dragonstone is pretty small and I haven’t seen thousands of horses and Dothraki just roaming around.

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Anyway, Bronn is a bit worried, but he thinks they can take the Dothraki….until Dany shows up riding a dragon and Drokaris’ the shit out of them. Things are looking pretty smoky for the Lannister’s until Bron goes to find the Dragon slaying crossbow that miraculously has managed to not burn in a wagon. He points it at the sky and shoots the dragon in the chest. The dragon turns around and burns the crossbow to the ground, but has to land because its injured. Dany climbs off of it to take the arrow out of it and Jaime sees her vulnerable on the ground. Tyrion sees Jamie and tells him to ‘flee you idiot. You fucking idiot’ under his breath. He rides toward Dany instead with a spear ready to go. At the last moment, the dragon sees him and shoots fire at him, but someone (Bron?) pushes him off his horse and out of the way at the last moment. They fall into a small lake and the episode ends as we see Jaime sink to the bottom.

Is the dragon okay? Is Jaime okay? Is Bron okay? Will Dany kill the rest of the Lannisters? Will Tyrion vouch for his brother? Can they all just agree that Cersei is a cunt and get along? Most importantly, is the dragon okay?

Best quotes this week:

Sansa: You shouldn’t have run from the guards

Arya: I didn’t run, you need better guards.

Davos: What do you think of her [referring to Daenerys]

Jon: I think she has a good heart

Davos: A good heart? I’ve noticed you staring at her good heart

Brienne: You can’t use that my lady it’s too small

Arya: Don’t worry I won’t hurt you

Brienne: I’ll try not to

Jaime: Rickon.

Dickon: Dickon.

Bronn: *Laughs hysterically*

Bronn: Men shit themselves when they die. Didn’t they teach you that at fancy lad school?

THE OC SUNDAYS – VOLUME FIFTEEN: S01: E15 – THE THIRD WHEEL

THE OC SUNDAYS – VOLUME FIFTEEN: S01: E15 – THE THIRD WHEEL

The O.C. Sundays – Volume Fifteen – Season One: Episode Fifteen – The Third Wheel

Recap by Holly Hill

Why Rewatch The O.C.?

Recap:

Well now that Marissa and Ryan had their perfect New Year’s Eve kiss, everything should be fine from here on out right? WRONG. I mean the look on Ryan’s face in the picture above just shows how all of this shit with Oliver is going to continue to go down. Man I love it.

The episode opens with another great Cohen kitchen scene. Hailey is still around and she has disrupted everyone’s morning rituals. She eats the last of Sandy’s bagels, Ryan’s juice, Kirsten’s coffee, and is reading Seth’s favorite newspaper section.

They confer in another room about what to do with her because apparently she never leaves the house. Ryan fits in some Seth time before school. It’s been two weeks since New Years and Seth and Anna have been dating officially since then. They have decided to tell Summer about their relationship, but Seth is worried about hurting her feelings. Marissa comes in to interrupt and I’ll just leave the clip here because it’s pretty great.

Marissa and Ryan decide to take a night apart because they feel like they suddenly can’t do anything without each other. Seth and Anna are flirting at school, but suddenly stop when Summer comes in. Seth’s gotta figure this out.

Sandy and Jimmy are trying to figure out a job strategy for him when Hailey comes in. She is thrilled to see Jimmy again. Kirsten buys Sandy more bagels and for now everything is fixed. Jimmy and Hailey make plans to hang out the next night since they are in similar boats now. Sandy and Kirsten are thrilled to have the house to themselves for once.

After school Ryan runs into Luke whose tires have been slashed because he has a gay Dad. Man rich kids in The OC are SUPER homophobic. Ryan brings Luke home and he and Seth watch Luke play sports games on the playstation very intensely.

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Marissa calls Ryan from Oliver’s place. Apparently they ran into each other at therapy and Oliver asked if she wanted to hang out. Ryan isn’t super happy about this but he puts on a good a good face and asks if Luke and Seth want to go to Oliver’s house/hotel. Oliver starts undermining Ryan at every turn and he immediately does not like him. Luke and Seth like him right away. Rooney is playing in the background and Seth mentions they’re coming into town but tickets are sold out. Oliver says he knows the manager and he will get them all in tomorrow night. Ryan hates music and he especially hates live music but he’s in because he doesn’t trust Oliver alone with his girlfriend because he is obviously insane and no one else seems to know it.

The next night Sandy listens to Rooney and rocks out in Seth’s room, approving them going. Kirsten was worried they were a devil worshiper band, but it’s all good now. Seth is embarrassed, and he tells Sandy that it’s his first date with Anna tonight. Sandy asks if he’s told Summer yet and he says no. Sandy tells him to get on it.

Ryan asks if Natalie, Oliver’s girlfriend, is going to be there tonight and Marissa says she should be. Uh-huh. They try to get in but Oliver’s name isn’t on the list and Marissa can’t find him. Then Summer shows up and Anna and Seth have to stop flirting and shit is getting awkward. Ryan immediately is giving looks of ‘Oliver lied to us’. They pass by the back door as the walk to their car and Oliver comes out and gets them all in for free. He and Natalie apparently had a fight so she won’t be there tonight. How convenient.

With Hailey and Jimmy out of the house, Sandy and Kirsten plan some alone time, but then are shocked to find the two of them on their couch watching Golden Girls, eating pizza, and playing board games. Sandy’s face is priceless. The man gets cockblocked, like, every episode.

Oliver goes outside makes an angry phone call that sounds like he’s wondering where the drugs are. Oliver takes Marissa’s hand while she is clearly hanging out with Ryan and leads her towards the front leaving Ryan to maneuver through the crowd by himself. Backstage, Anna asks Seth to tell Summer that they are dating now. Seth fails to tell Summer so Anna takes Summer to the bathroom to tell her. Summer starts singing the intro to the Golden Girls and Anna and her bond over it. This makes it harder for Anna to tell Summer so she doesn’t. Meanwhile, Seth and Luke are enjoying the band.

At the house, Sandy is looking like he wants to shoot himself as they go through another round of connect four. Hailey starts in on her father’s company, that Kirsten practically runs. Sandy loses it and tells Hailey that she’s living in their house, insulting his family, and his wife. He also tells her she’s driving their entire family crazy. He really lost it at the bagels. Hailey throws the board game on the ground like a child and storms off. Truth hurts. Hailey apologies to Jimmy as he’s leaving and they make out on the porch. Jimmy says that she’s lucky she has Kirsten and Sandy looking out for her, and suggests they don’t make out again. Okay, weirdo.

Ryan finally pulls Marissa away from Oliver who is not happy and looking like he needs of fix of something soon. He’s got those psycho eyes. Ryan goes and makes out with Marissa who is upset they’re missing the concert. Marissa says they can’t ditch Oliver and she tells Ryan that since he didn’t want to come here tonight he can leave. He goes outside to find Oliver in a fight with a guy. Ryan steps in, but the guy is an undercover cop who says that Oliver just tried to buy two grams of coke from him. Ryan goes back inside and takes Seth’s phone and keys. He goes to the police station and calls Sandy for help.

Seth asks Anna if he told Summer, who overhears and asks what she was supposed to tell her. Seth and Anna take Summer backstage and break the news that they are dating. Summer seems to take it pretty well and Seth and Anna ask if Summer still wants to hang out with them. She gets in cock block mode pretty hard core. It’s great. I’d say Summer is actually upset.

Ryan does Oliver a solid and Sandy gets him out of jail on no charges. Oliver asks why he helped him when the reason he freaked out was because the mysterious Natalie didn’t show and he saw Ryan and Marissa together and they looked so happy. Warning sign much? Ryan gives Oliver the benefit of the doubt after Oliver says he has no one.

Ryan: “Well there’s Marissa. Seth likes your taste in music and Luke pretty much likes everybody at this point.”

Olive: “And what about you? You must like me a little to get me out of jail.”

Ryan: “That was Sandy.”

Burn. Ryan’s phone rings and it’s Marissa. Oliver asks if he’s going to tell her and Ryan says ‘No, you are.’ and hands him the phone. Later that night Sandy is happily making himself a bagel. He goes to get the cream cheese and there is Hailey, touching his bagel. Sandy kind of freaks and Hailey asks if she can have half. Hailey says she hasn’t been the best guest and she says that what Sandy said tonight was right. They make up and Sandy gives her half his bagel.

Marissa stops by to thank Ryan. Ryan starts to say Oliver isn’t a bad guy and Marissa says she doesn’t want to talk about Oliver now. They make out and Anna, Summer, Seth, and Luke stop in and ask if they want to play video games. They all go into the living room and have a good time, then the camera pans out and Oliver is staring at them all through the window. FREAK.

Best Song of the Episode:

“I’m Shakin’” by Rooney

I remember watching this episode, becoming immediately obsessed with Rooney, and buying their album. Great song, great album. Thanks to The OC they managed to make it fairly big because they were relatively unknown until this episode aired.

Best Quote:

Kirsten: She’s got nowhere else to go. (referring to Hailey)

Ryan: That’s because all her friends want to kick her ass….sorry about the language.

Sandy: Why? I’d like to kick her ass.

Number of Non-White People with Actual Lines in This Episode:

This is like the fourth episode a in a row with zero ethnic people. It’s kind of bad.

Weird 2003 thing:

Sandy mentions TiVo. Something that only VERY rich people had back in 2003. Now it’s fairly common place but I think they mentioned they have it just to prove how rich they were.

Best Fashion Statement:

Marissa’s “I’m a punk rocker” outfit.

Obvious Reasons to NOT trust Oliver Trask:

He knows who you are even though you have no friend or places in common
He knows your medical history
He lives in a hotel
Anna says her parents know the parents of the guy who’s throwing the party, but she doesn’t know who Oliver is.
He says his girlfriend lives long-distance so you’ll probably never get to meet her. Super convenient.
He give you ‘come make out with me’ eyes on new years even though he knows you have a boyfriend.
His name isn’t on the list for backstage passes at the front door but he meets you in back to get you in
His girlfriend Natalie never shows up when he says she will (spoiler, she doesn’t exist)
He makes angry phone calls about cocaine then tries to buy some off an undercover cop
He watches you and your friends creepily from outside your house.

Ed Wood Jesus Do? – The Greasy Strangler

Film: The Greasy Strangler (2016)

Directed by Jim Hosking

Available on Amazon Prime

this shit is written by eric

Spoiler Alert: This film contains gratuitous amount of prosthetic penis. If you are a fan of that one scene in Boogie Nights, you will fall fast in love with this cutie of a film from 2016. The Greasy Strangler was directed by British filmmaker, Jim Hosking who is also known for the highly sexualized gore-fest The ABCs of Death. The film centers around a father and son as they search for life and love while guiding Disco Tours through some desolate commercial dead zones in some non-descript Northeastern textile town that lost all of its jobs to China. The world consists of dialogue so dumb it gleams brilliant and characters defined by their crazy sexual predilections. It’s also perfectly acceptable to wear a disco one-piece with the crotch cut out to expose one’s monstrous uncircumcised penis…

Big Brayden and his father, Big Ronnie, played to disgustingly incredible effect respectively by Sky Elobar and Michael St. Michael, live together and create lies about the local community’s involvement in the history of disco. Ronnie loves his food as greasy as possible, piling on what appears in the film to be just hyper-viscous petroleum jelly onto everything he eats. Brayden loves cooking for his father and writing fantasy novels with Rastafarian leads. Brayden soon falls for Janet, played by Elizabeth De Razzo. She also portrayed Maria in Eastbound and Down, and is an absolute delight in this film; thankfully not being typecast as the stereotypical Mexican woman with a thick accent. In a film full of the wide gamut of acting ability, she comes across as a shining light. Brayden and Janet soon fall for each other and Big Ronnie steps in the way, seducing Janet by being his “smoothie” self. On the side, Big Ronnie runs around the B-plot as The Greasy Strangler, a serial killer who greases up his entire nude body in order to strangle the locals.

The film revels in its true strength, which is making you feel uneasy about certain social and tactile conventions. In a way, the atmosphere is quite reminiscent of Eraserhead, insomuch as the exterior shots feel oppressive with desolation, and the interior shots tend to disgust with their abrasive visions of human and animal biological function. It is quite easy to find yourself as turned off by Ronnie eating a greased up sausage as it is in the scene of Brayden masturbating his comically microscopic penis to completion while on the phone with Janet. It is hysterical in its dark and grotesque humor and I feel like that may be where the film falls short. While it is weird and often times hard to watch, I cannot not say it is all that original in the ways it tries to shock you. I applaud its use of male nudity, but it is nothing more offensive than one would see in the YMCA locker room; old and ugly penises grow stale quite easily.

Overall, the film’s casting is pretty great. Michael St. Michael has face appeal that is so fucking great in this latest resurgence of cinematic weirdness. He looks like Karl Lagerfeld meets Klaus Kinski meets Denis Lavant (especially in that UNKLE music video, “Rabbit in your Headlights”) and has a deep and gruff voice that simultaneously makes him seem smooth as grease and greasy as grease. While some of his line delivery is suspect and feels read from an off-screen placard, there is no denying it matches the tone of the film. Brayden looks like what you imagine every neckbeard nice guy to look like, but exudes a certain charm like the guy outside the convenience store you can’t help but be polite to, despite the fact he has been giving you the same sob story about trying to get enough money to get to Denver for two years.

This is one of those films that is weird and probably just for weirdness sake. But if you are into that sort of thing, definitely check it out. You’ll dig it, probably.