Yo and Holly are back discussing the best romance/erotica book we’ve read in a LONG TIME. Rafe: A Buff Male Nanny by Rebekah Weatherspoon.
Rafe is a white, tattooed, red headed, buff male nanny whose voice is ‘sex on a biscuit’ and Sloane is a famous black surgeon raising two twin girls who is in desperate need of someone to help care for them.
RAFE: A Buff Male Nanny (Loose Ends Book 1) by Rebekah Weatherspoon is only $4.99 and you can buy it here.
If you have a recommendation for what we should read next leave us an iTunes review, a comment on our Instagram, write to us on facebook or @ us on Twitter.
Welcome to Episode 40 of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where contributors of CinemAbysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there.
While Nick takes a creative break, Dylan and Holly welcome back Eric and Nadine to guest with us on Troll 2, the worst movie ever made. We of course also get sidetrack and talk a lot about Homeward Bound and all the VH1 shows of the early 2000s (Rock of Love, Charm School, Flavor of Love, etc.).
As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!
Find this new episode and more on Spotify, iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher, Spreaker, and everywhere else you find podcasts! Just search for ‘Cinemabysmal’!
By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)In a nutshell:Okay, quick recap.Tyrion has had a bad week. He backed the wrong person, watched a bunch of people burn alive, found out he was not as smart as he thought he had always been and then found the last of his entire family dead and buried. Yikes. This kind of seemed like the end for him and Dany sent him to rot for a bit until she can have him executed. Daenerys has this great scene coming out from the ruins to talk to her people with Drogon’s wings behind her. Emilia Clarke’s acting through her facial expressions have been everything this season and she did not fail us in sending off Daenery’s properly. Her speech in Dothraki was truly awesome. I don’t have a problem with how her arc turned out I just feel like it needed to be done over the course a few more episodes and not completely normal to absolutely fucking mad in two episodes. Jon has turned out to me to be the biggest disappointment of all the characters. Even after he watches Dany burn everyone to the ground it takes a talk with Tyrion to convince him that MAYBE his queen is a bit psychotic. I was shocked he was even still defending her at this point. Seems like Jon’s purpose to coming back to life was to just murder Dany in the end. It wasn’t that shocking, but there you go. I think the saddest part was how quick it all happened. All that power, all that time spent getting here only to die at the hand of her lover feet from the throne she hoped to rule. Then Drogon is all ‘fuck that chair’, grabs a dead bitch and fucks off to Essos. Jon is redeemed only when he is forced to go back to Castle Black and give Ghost the pets he deserves. With Dany gone – who will rule? Jon is the most worthless choice at this point and I’m just thrilled no one else even brings up the idea that he should rule. I mean he did kill the queen so that might have something to do with it, but damn he has been the worst this season. Sam suggests democracy….lolSansa waits for everyone to name her Queen…nope. Grey Worm tells Tyrion to shut up – he agrees and then makes a speech. His speech essentially is that someone who knows all the stories should rule – to bind us together. He means Bran The Broken. And Bran’s all ‘yeah dude I didn’t just come all the way down here for fun with my dozens of furs and vacant expressions’. Sansa makes the North an independent nation and is Queen of the North. Bronn gets all the titles he ever needed. Davos is somehow still alive. The breast milk kid got taller, but still looks like a kid that drinks breast milk. Yara is there complaining. Grey Worm fucks off with his unsullied on the water. Tyrion becomes Hand again as punishment for sucking at being Hand. Arya sails west of Westeros. Perhaps the most touching of all the scenes this episode (besides Drogon nudging Dany’s lifeless body OH MY GOD WHY YOU MAKE ME CRY), was Brienne writing in the book of knights – a book made of paper that was somehow not destroyed with all that dragon fire. She writes of all of Jamie’s heroic deeds – leaving out his incest and the crippling of a child. It was rather touching. And finally, the greatest quote of this episode the one that explains how everyone is probably feeling right now: “No one is very happy. Which means it’s a good compromise I suppose.”I see what you did there you little shitheads David Benioff and D.B. Weiss. I see what you did there. Best Quotes:
Tyrion: I freed my brother. And you slaughtered a city.
Tyrion to Jon: You have to choose now.
Dany: When I was a little girl my brother told me it was made with 1000 swords from Aegon’s fallen enemies. What do 1000 swords look like in the mind of a little girl who can’t count to 20?
Jon: Have you been down there? Have you seen? Children burned. Little children BURNED.
Dany: We do it together. We break the wheel together.
Jon: You are my queen. Now and always.
Arya: Say another word about killing my brother and I’ll cut your throat.
Tyrion: Bran is our memory. The keeper of all our stories.
Bran: Why do you think I came all this way?
Sansa: Tens of thousands of Northmen fell in the great war, defending all of Westeros. And those who have survived have seen too much and fought too hard ever to kneel again. The North will remain and independent kingdom, as it was for thousands of years.
Jon: There’s still a Night’s Watch?
Sam: A Song of Ice and Fire. Archmaester Ebrose’s history of the wars following the death of King Robert. I helped him with the title.
Tyrion: Ser Bronn of the Blackwater, Lord of Highgarden, Lord Paramount of the Reach, and Master of Coin. Would you say the crown’s debt you has been paid?
Davos: These projects will begin as soon as the Master of Coin and Lord of Lofty Titles provides funding.
By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)Okay, so I was half joking about the mad queen stuff last recap. Because why would a character that has always been fair and merciful suddenly want to burn an entire city to the ground with innocent men, women and children inside just because one of her people was killed? Why would someone who stayed behind in a city for two seasons to learn how to be a fair and compassionate ruler suddenly throw all that knowledge out the window? Now that Jorah is dead can we just go do whatever we want? Just because she has a tendency toward ‘madness’ in her blood? A tendency that has shown no signs of developing until an episode ago? People don’t LOVE her so she burns an entire city to the ground so she can rule? Her people loving her was something she understood for the last eight seasons (until this episode apparently) that she would have to earn. Suddenly she’s impatient for it and just needs to destroy everything in her path? I have almost no words for how much complete shit writing that is. Who is this dumbed down, idiot version of Daenerys Targaryen that we are forced to deal with suddenly? Also, Greyworm be like, ‘Oh are we killing and raping everyone now? That’s cool.” Gotta love Jon’s face when he realizes that he’s on the wrong side of all this. Tyrion. WTF. Tyrion who has seen over and over again that Cersei will NEVER yield, even for her unborn child, and yet he still frees Jamie to go and get her to surrender and ring the bells. It’s a nice thought but holy shit he used to be the smartest person on this show? Did he leave all his brains at Winterfell with Sansa to take them? A very heartwarming goodbye between Tyrion and Jamie though. And Jamie…..Book Jamie > TV Jamie. That’s all I have to say. Looks like Cersei and Jamie went down together. A bit anticlimactic, but you have to give it up for Lena Headey. Over the past eight seasons, that is some of the best damn acting I’ve ever seen in a TV series. Clegane Bowl was just as cool as promised, but after watching Dany fall from grace it didn’t have the same excitement to it. The Hound stopped Arya from killing Cersei and told her to leave before she died and became consumed by revenge. Only to see Dany go full psycho and have her turn right back around on that mythical white horse to go kill a different queen. The scene of her running through the streets was actually pretty cool.You know my girl Sansa is just sipping wine at Winterfell reading these reports coming in about King’s Landing like, ‘I fucking told you so’. As Arya said….the smartest person we know. Honestly, I’d be fine with this story line if what Dany did made ANY sense with what we’ve learned about her in the series so far. NOTHING indicates she’d ever so something like this so suddenly. There was no build up for her to make these choices, nothing she chose to do made any sense in regards to who we know her to be. You don’t just flip from completely normal to insane because one or two things don’t go your way. Not with at least a TON of foreshadowing about her father going mad over just one thing. It is said over and over again that her father SLOWLY descended into madness. All it takes for Dany apparently to go insane is the non-threat of a guy who doesn’t want to be king, the death of one friend in a WAR where people were bound to die, and the fear that no one will give her love she hasn’t sought to earn at all. Best Quotes:
Varys: I hope I deserve this. I hope I’m wrong.
Dany: Far more people in Westeros love you than love me. I don’t have love here. I have fear.
Tyrion: The people who live here are not your enemies. They’re innocents like the ones you liberated in Mereen. Please, if you hear them ringing the bells, call off the attack.
Tyrion: Tens of thousands of innocent lives, one not particular innocent dwarf….seems like a fair trade.
Qyburn: Obey your Queen, Ser Gregor.
Also, I stole this from reddit, but damn it made me laugh.
By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)This show can still surprise me, which…quite frankly surprised me. I feel like ever since Jon was resurrected there has been so much fan service of this show everything feels pretty predictable. OF COURSE the dead were going to be defeated. OF COURSE all our favorite characters survived. Just like the first 45 minutes of this episode, everything was predictable. Then the last 20 minutes were some really great storytelling that threw some major anxiety in and really gave us some surprises. Mainly, slowly watching Dany go full fucking mad king, which I am loving. But let’s recap the first half of the show. Gendry is made Lord of Storm’s End by Dany. He inexplicably and rather heart warmingly asks Arya to be his Lady (uh, dude…why would you think she’d say yes to that?). Arya is flattered but would obviously rather go kill Cersei so she heads south with The Hound who also needs to extract his revenge on his brother *CLEGANEBOWL IS A GO MF-ERS!*.As for Three Eyed Bran, I swear to God those piles of furs on his legs get larger every time the camera is on him. One day the camera will turn on him and he’ll just be buried in animal fur. Bran mostly just wheels around saying weird shit all episode and just confirms to Sansa and Arya that Jon is in fact heir of the Iron Throne.A fact that Dany begs Jon not to tell anyone about because she knows that they all prefer him to her. Jon, being Jon, of course cannot keep this secret from his family because family is everything to him. Sansa swears not to tell anyone and then promptly tells Tyrion, because Dany is being kind of a psycho lately. Here’s some weird shit: Jamie and Brienne go to doin’ it town. Only for Jamie to leave to either be with Cersei or kill her (not sure) once he realizes she might actually win this thing. Sam and Gilly say bye bye because they’re useless. The Wildlings head back north with Ghost because fuck your dog who has been with you through everything, amiright Jon? Not even a goodbye pat. Terrible pet owner. Bronn finally shows up to kill Tyrion and Jamie and they promise him High Garden if he doesn’t do it. Whatever. Now that Tyrion knows there’s another option besides Dany, he’s desperate to get her and Jon to marry, but it’s too late. Vary’s knows that now that eight people know, everyone will know. Now that the idea is out there, it will be impossible to quell. Dany knows it too. She begs Jon not to say anything and he does it anyway and I think she knows he has too. She starts to unravel. She cannot hold a kingdom that does not love or respect her. Then shit starts to get kind of crazy. Dany and Jon are on their way to King’s Landing to fight Cersei. Dany is at sea with Tyrion and Varys who are discussing Jon’s legacy and what this means for the future. They are both unsure who would be a better ruler. Dany is flying out at sea with her dragons and runs right into Euron Greyjoy with his dragon killing arrows. Boom…dragon down. Didn’t see that shit coming. The entire fleet is destroyed and Missandei is captured. The raw fury in Dany’s eyes is…unsettling. Her fury increases. She’s barely able to listen to reason. She’s ready to burn the entirety of King’s Landing to the ground. Cersei is a ruthless badass bitch who sees her weaknesses and huddles the men, women and children of the city into her keep. Now Dany has to decide if she would like to burn down innocents to get what she wants. She is honestly BARELY STRUGGLING with this concept, something we would not have seen her do in previous seasons. She is unraveling. You can see it in her decision making, her movements, her eyes. She thinks it is her destiny to rule, to free people from tyranny….while she speaks of doing tyrannical things. At the end of the episode when Cersei BEHEADS Missandei you can feel Dany unraveling. Things are not looking good for our Mad Queen.
Dany: I think you should be Lord of Storm’s End
Bran: I don’t really want anymore. You shouldn’t envy me, mostly I live in the past *Wheels away cryptically*
Sansa: Without Little Finger and Ramsey and the rest, I would have stayed a little bird all my life.
Dany: I saw the way they looked at you. I know that look. So many people have looked at me that way. Never on this side of the sea…
Sansa: What if there is someone else….someone better.
Varys: She’s his aunt.
Tyrion: Maybe Cersei will win and kill us all. That would solve all our problems.
Varys: I worry about her state of mind…
Varys: Tens of thousands of innocents will die. These are the people you came here to protect. I beg you, Your Grace, do not destroy the city you came to save. Do not become what you have always struggled to defeat.
Dany: I am here to free the world from Tyrants. That is my destiny. And I will serve it no matter the cost.
Dany: They should know who to blame when the sky falls down upon them *WHAT THE FUCK*
By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)Doesn’t all the petty drama and bullshit from last week seem pretty stupid now? I wrote a whole post last week about the politics of people’s emotions with each other and this whole episode certainty made all that seem rather tiresome. Going back to my last post, I was a little ambitious with the amount of people I had dying. I think we all honestly expected more people to kick the bucket this episode. I correctly predicted Jorah, Lyanna (that little 80 lb. Gryffindor just stabbing that Giant in the eye: hero status), Theon (REDEEMED, RIP) , Edd (thanks, Sam!) and Beric (purpose served). I am seriously impressed so many people lived and also a bit like….really? Brienne almost died in the first five minutes of that battle and then her and Jamie and even Podrick are just like BARELY holding back a million dead people for like four hours.Looks like Grey Worm is probably fine along with The Hound, Gendry, maybe Gilly, Tormund, Ghost. Hard to say for sure, but they’re probably fine. Turns out the crypts are NOT safe. When you’re fighting a guy that can animate the dead, maybe don’t hide among the dead. A bunch of women and children died, but all the main characters down there were mostly safe I think. Tyrion and Sansa had a rather touching moment. Future BFFs. It was really a great battle episode though. Highlights were the dothraki running with fire in the dark towards the dead and watching the fire slowly go out. Then there was the dead killing themselves to make a bridge of dead people for the dead to cross. So much dead. Another great bit was Dany trying to light the ice king on fire, and a big oh shit when that didn’t work. Then there was the dead SWARMING a dragon. Holy shit. Looks like both the dragons are still alive though according to the trailer for next week and dead dragon is dead. Anyone else really annoyed and confused though about Jon and Dany taking fucking dragon magic carpet rides through the clouds like Aladdin and Jasmine? Uh, war is that way dummies – on the ground. It was pretty damn weird and confusing. I understood that they couldn’t see anything, but it just felt really weird. Sam was the biggest disappointment of the episode. I thought he was going to go in the crypt and then he shows up and just puts other people’s lives in danger trying to protect him. I love that bit where Jon sees Sam fighting for his life and he like…ALMOST stops and saves him, but then he’s like, nah too much trouble and not enough reward. Sam got a lot of people killed this episode and that little shit should have just stayed in the crypt. The biggest surprise was Melisandre showing up with her cryptic ass warnings and getting everyone to figure out their destinies. Then she just Voldemorted away into the sunrise dead AF. Bran spends the episode peacing out on a mushroom trip while ten people protect him. I’m not sure what the point of the drifting into a bunch of raven bodies was, but he came back just in time to be like – thanks Theon…byeeeeee. The most intense scene was Arya tip toeing through Winterfell trying not to attract any dead. Got serious Jurassic Park vibe with that one. Velociraptors in the kitchen, anyone? FINALLY, we think Jon is going to kill the Night King a few times but then BAM mutha fuckin’ ARYA STARK comes out of nowhere and just fuckin’ DESTROYS him. Ya dead bitch. Along with every creature he ever made. So I guess that’s the end of the dead being a problem. I thought we’d get them for a few more episodes, but that’s one way to solve that problem. Arya kind of looks at Bran like damn did I just do that? And Bran classically just stares off into space again. Shout out to the sound editing peeps and the score on this episode. Fantastic. Now we get to see Dany, Jon, two dragons, and about 15 people take Westeros from Cersei and her army. That is if they’re still talking.
Damn Cersei, you smart staying warm, dry and drunk in King’s Landing.
Not a lot of talking this week, but best quotes this week:
Bran: I’m going to go now *trips out*
Melisandre: Brown eyes, green eyes….and blue eyes.
By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)The episode where everyone either talks, flirts, or gets it on. To be fair with only four episodes left and at least two more battles, characters do have to wrap their shit up with each other. The eerie part is that some characters resolved their issues and others did not. I have a feeling that those who didn’t are the ones who are going to survive next week’s episode.
So that’s my prediction.
Here’s my prediction of who dies based on this theory:
Jamie wraps up his beef with Dany, Sansa, Tyrion, Bran and even manages to knight Brienne in the process. Also, Bran gives him that creepy ‘how do you know there’s an afterwards?’. Jamie is gonna die.
Bran wraps up his 3EB bit by confessing he won’t tell anyone about what Jamie did, and tells everyone that the Night King is after him so they’ll use him as bait. Bran then spends the rest of his night telling Tyrion everything about his story and I’m going to assume all he knows. Bran is going to die.
Jorah wraps up his relationship with Dany, finally being okay with his relegation to the friend zone. He even tells her to keep Tyrion on as hand even after all his mighty fuck ups. Sam gives him his family sword and he has a conversation with Lyanna that sounds a lot like goodbye. I’m gonna say Jorah dies.
Lyanna will die. I can’t imagine her surviving this. Her combat skills aint that good. She’ll probably die with all the ‘The North will never bow again’ people. Wraps up that problem nicely.
Gendry makes a sword for Arya after she proves to him she can kill pretty well. This must have been her weird way of foreplay because she strips naked for him and bangs him before the battle starts. A bit out of character for Arya, but whatever. Good for Arya, good for Gendry. Gendry serves no purpose now. Bye Gendry.
Theon is accepted back at Winterfell by Sansa. He requests to defend Bran at the weirwood tree and that will be his final stand and he’ll die forgiven.
Podrick will probably die. It would suck for Brienne to lose him and Jamie in one go, but I don’t see Pod’s story line going anywhere else at the moment. Could be wrong though.
Ghost made an appearance this week. No dragons so his CGI budget was intact. I think showing him was a subtle reminder that he’s still around, and that he’s probably going to die. Hopefully saving Jon’s life. Would be a good time too for Arya’s Direwolf Nymeria to show up with her pack and start ripping out white walker throats.
People I don’t care about living or dying:
Grey Worm and Missandei, the relationship I care the least about, had a nice goodbye. They talked of their future plans. I’m not sure if either of them will or won’t make it out of this battle alive, but I’m not going to guess because I honestly don’t care.
Gilly is back. Gilly will be in the crypt with Sam and Little Sam. Meh. Don’t really care about any of that.
Jon’s Night Watch buddies. Meh.
Beric is here for the Lord of Light. I could see him dying next week while saving someone who is actually key to the story aka the Lord of Light’s plan. I don’t really care either way though.
People who are going to live:
Dany and Sansa try to talk it out. They almost come to an understanding several times, but every time Sansa pretty much shuts that shit down. I’m super in love with that fact that they aren’t friends at all. Every time Dany tries to talk to Sansa she sounds like she’s bullshitting her for some reason and I feel like the audience can see it and so can Sansa. These two have unresolved issues. They’ll live.
The Hound and Arya talk a bit and it doesn’t really go anywhere. He can’t die though because he has to kill The Mountain. At least I hope that’s how this all finally goes for him.
Brienne and Tormund…well, nothing is resolved there. Both will live and with Jamie out of the way….
Tryion resolves his issues with Dany and his brother. He will live.
The biggest move forward this week was Jon telling Dany that he’s the last male heir Targaryen. Instead of being horrified that she’s been banging her nephew for the last few weeks/months (what is Time on this show?), she is mad she isn’t the rightful heir to the throne. Before they can talk it out, the battle is about to begin and the episode is over. Both will live. They gotta figure this shit out.
No one talked about the dragons this week or what the plans are to use them in battle, but I am looking forward to seeing the two living ones vs the one dead one.
Best quotes this week:
Daenerys: I see one man, with one hand.
Dany: He never should have trusted Cersei / Sansa: You never should have either.
Lyanna: I will not hide underground. I pledged to fight for The North and I will fight.
Arya: My weapon? / Gendry *rock hard*: I’ll get right on it.
Sansa: What about The North? It was taken from us and we took it back. And we said we’d never bow to anyone else again. What about The North?
Tyrion: She never fooled you. You always knew exactly what she was. And you loved her anyway.
The Hound: I fought for you didn’t I?
Tormund: They call me ‘Giantsbane’. I killed a giant when I was ten. Then I climbed right into bed with his wife. And she woke up. You know what she did? Suckled me at her teat for three months. Thought I was her baby. That’s how I got so strong. Giant’s milk. *cue Jamie’s wtf face*