A Review of Thrones

It’s that time again. The birds are chirping in the mornings, the days are starting to get longer, and HBO starts to release ten episodes of Game of Thrones for our viewing pleasure. Every year we blink, the season ends, and we are left wondering, “WHY DID THAT CHARACTER I LOVE HAVE TO DIE?” and “WHY DO I WATCH THIS SHOW?” So what better way to make the Game of Thrones season last a bit longer, than to relive the episodes the day after they air?

Holly Hill is a world-renowned YouTuber (https://www.youtube.com/user/hollishillis) and book geek. When she’s not talking about Game of Thrones, she’s talking about literally everything else. Check her out on Twitter! @HollisHillis

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E03: THE QUEEN’S JUSTICE

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E03: THE QUEEN’S JUSTICE

703_TQJ.jpg

A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Three: The Queen’s Justice

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

When I first saw that this week’s episode was called The Queen’s Justice, I assumed that meant Daenerys’ justice. Turns out it’s Cersei’s justice, and this show can still pack some surprises.

When Daenerys and Tyrion came up with the idea of sending troops to Casterly Rock and to King’s Landing it seemed brilliant. Starve out Cersei, and destroy her home. Turns out Yara’s ships were burned, with her and Ellaria Sand and her daughter taken captive before they could reach King’s Landing. Then it turns out that the Lannister’s LET Daenerys take Casterly Rock, for now, and sent most of their troops to destroy Highgarden.

casterly-rock-siege.jpg

That’s a good fucking move on the Lannister’s part. Grey Worm is stuck at Casterly Rock after the Lannister’s let him take it, but they burn all of their ships so they’re stuck. After Jaime takes Highgarden he offers Olenna some poison. After figuring out that the poison will be painless she downs that shit immediately like bad ass bitch, then tells Jaime she killed Joffrey. Fucking SAVAGE AF. In a way she gave Jaime a gift though. Jaime always felt that Tyrion didn’t kill Joffrey but he was never 100% sure. Now he knows that he let an innocent man live. There’s something to that.

game-of-thrones-the-queens-justice-photo002-1501096954530_1280w.jpg

Jon Snow shows up with Davos and is like ‘hey magical mythical ice kings are coming to kill us all’ and surprisingly Daenerys doesn’t take him that seriously. They do a lot of eye fucking though and I’m confirming my prediction now that this Aunt will marry her Nephew. So what? All the Targaryen’s inbreed. Totally normal for them. In the end, Tyrion convinces Daenarys to let Jon mine dragonglass and make weapons from it. She’s gonna keep looking south (for now).

The Red Woman and Varys exchange words. Varys finds it interesting that she summoned Jon to Dragonstone, but then didn’t stay to greet him. The Red Woman doesn’t really care and leaves for Essos while telling Varys that she will be back. Apparently she has to die in Westeros and he will too. Varys doesn’t like that, but I think we are all glad to see the Red Woman go. I’m sure she’ll pop up again when we least expect her to.

Theon is saved by one of the few ships that escaped Euron. They aren’t happy that he is alive and Yara is gone and probably dead. Cersei promises to marry Euron because he brought her the gift of the woman who killed her daughter. Yara is alive and a captive of Euron’s while Cersei takes Ellaria and her daughter down to the dungeons. She kisses the daughter with the same poison Ellaria used on Myrcella. Cersei takes the antidote and tells Ellaria she can now watch her own daughter die. She’s going to make Ellaria stay down there forever with her daughter’s corpse. That’s some justice right there. I don’t agree with Cersei’s decisions on almost anything, but this shit was good. Myrcella was an innocent…and Ellaria was the worst. I approve.

The Iron bank stops by to collect its debt from the Lannisters. Cersei asks that the head of the Iron Bank stay as her guest and in a fortnight she will have his money (see the above mention of Jaime taking Highgarden aka the people who have all money).

image

At Winterfell, Bran shows up and instead of a happy reunion with Sansa he brings up the night of her wedding to Ramsey, which he saw in a three eyed raven vision. Not exactly the brotherly love she was looking for, Bran. Bran says he needs to talk to Jon (about how he’s a Targaryen, essentially). Sansa is like….you sound crazy. Because he does. He’s the three eyed raven now, which means you apparently can’t tell anyone anything about what that means. Seems pretty simple to explain Bran, you see the past, present and future. Just say that and maybe don’t bring up the most traumatic night of your sister’s life. Sheesh.

Sam cures Jorah of his Grayscale and his reward is to copy old scrolls. Better than emptying chamber pots. Jorah goes off to find his favorite Queen who has friendzoned him into the hardest farthest reaches of the friendzone.

That’s the episode. Best one of the season so far. Would love more like it!

Best quotes this week:

Messandi: You stand before Daenerys Targaryen…..[insert all 7 million titles].

Davos: This is Jon Snow…….he’s King of the North.

Next time I need a hype man to introduce me into an arena of sorts, I’m calling Davos.

 

Tyrion: She’s much smarter than she lets on [talking about Sansa]

Jon: She’s been letting on.

 

Olenna: He was really a cunt wasn’t he? I’d hate to die like your son, clawing at my neck, eyes blood red, skin purple. Must have been terrible for you. A shocking scene. Not at all what I intended. Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me.

 

Tyrion: I came down here to brood over my failure to predict the Greyjoy attack. You’re making it difficult. You look a lot better brooding than I do. You make me feel like I’m failing at brooding over failing.

 

Tyrion: A wise man once said that you should never believe things simply because you want to believe it.

Daenerys: Which wise man said this?

Tyrion: I don’t remember.

Daenerys: Are you trying to present your own statements as ancient wisdom?

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E02: STORMBORN

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E02: STORMBORN

702_S.jpg

A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Two: Stormborn

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

At Dragonstone, Daenerys is with her advisers, Varys and Tyrion. She questions Vary’s loyalty and who he has served since her birth. The answer is a lot of people, but Varys isn’t dumb. He answers all her questions perfectly, even going as far to say that he serves the people of Westeros above all. Dany makes him promise that if she is failing the people at any moment, he tell her to her face rather than conspire behind her back. Oh, and if she finds out he has conspired against her from here on out, she will burn him alive. Nice touch.

The red woman, Melisandre shows up, riding down from the North where she was banished by Jon for burning a small child alive. Let’s not forget that. Dany asks what Melisandre’s Lord of Light expects from her. Melisandre repeats her ‘the prince that was promised will bring the dawn” bullshit. Dany says she can’t help her because she’s not a prince, but Missandei interprets and says that in High Valyrian the translation of prince is a noun that can mean prince or princess so really she qualifies, and we all know the red woman is dying to blindly worship someone again. She says that Dany has a role to play in the war to come and so does Jon Snow, the King in the North. Tyrion perks up at this, remembering how he and Jon left on good terms at the wall in the first season. He trusts Jon’s judgement and since the Red Woman is insinuating that he has some crazy news to share they invite him to bend the knee and share it. Dany agrees. Omgz come meet your future wife, Jon.

In Westeros, Jon, Davos and Sansa read the letter from Tyrion. Sansa says (as his kind of still maybe wife?) that Tyrion isn’t like the other Lannisters. He was always kind to her. However, they agree that it’s too dangerous to go meet Dany, but they do agree that if the army of the dead makes it past the wall they don’t have enough men to fight them.Jon gets his raven from Sam and repeat the news to his lords that Sam knows Dragonglass exists beneath Dragonstone, but they have to trust Tyrion. Jon says he’s going to go meet with Dany. They need the dragonglass in order to defeat the wights. Sansa says it’s a trap, but Jon doesn’t believe that Tyrion would lie to him. The men agree with Sansa and they all insist he stays. Jon says none of them have seen the army of the dead and he says they need allies even if it is a risk and he will leave Sansa as head of the north while he is gone. No one complains about that much. Jon goes down to the crypt where Petyr (thrilled that Sansa is now in charge, puke), finds him. Petyr says he loves Sansa just as he loved Catlyn. Jon chokes him up against a wall and says if he touches Sansa he will kill him. Kind of lovin’ it over here. Now if only Sansa is smart enough to trust in Jon while he is gone and make good decisions. Please dear lordy.

landscape-1500490574-got13.jpg

Cersei makes big speech to the handful of lords who are still ‘loyal’ to her (read loyal: afraid she will burn them all to the ground with wildfire). She makes of lot of propaganda claims that the Dothraki are savage and Dany will destroy the seven realms as they know it (is that so bad? The seven realms kind of suck right now). Randyll Tarly (Sam’s Dad) shows up to hear what Cersei has to say, but he’s not buying it. Jamie, to the disappointment of many, pulls him aside and insists that he help out, because if he professes his loyalty to Cersei the rest of the noblemen will. With the Sandsnakes and all of Dorne backing Dany as well as the Tyrells, Cersei is desperate for people to be loyal to her. The fact that after everything Jamie has been through, he is backing Cersei still is completely frustrating. It’s also something I feel like book Jamie would never do.

Qyburn, Cersei’s insane crazy doctor surgeon wizard thing (now hand of the queen), leads Cersei down to the crypt to see the skulls of the dragons that Aegon rode across the sea to bring the seven kingdoms to his rule. Quburn says that the dragons aren’t invincible. He’s had word that one of Dany’s dragons were wounded by spears in the fighting pits in Mereen. He thinks if they can be wounded they can be killed. He reveals a crossbow that his fucking huge, that they blacksmiths of King’s Landing have been forging day and night. It certainly looks big enough to slay a dragon and Cersei pulls the lever, which slams into the skeleton skull of the dragon in the crypt, proving his point.

Back in Dragonstone, Yara Greyjoy tells Dany to hurry up and take the Iron Throne. She suggest that with all of their weapons and dragons they can take King’s Landing in a day. The Sandsnake agrees, even though the casualties will be high, she sees the people as collateral in the war for the throne. Tyrion tells her that they don’t poison little girls here, remembering his fondness for his niece Myrcella, facing the woman who killed her. Dany says she’s not here to be Queen of the Ashes and Olenna Tyrell agrees to a point. She remembers that Margaery was loved and now she’s ashes. Pause for a moment and take in that three women are offering advice to another woman as their Queen. This is the kind of progressive shit I love in Game of Thrones.

game-of-thrones-season-7-stormborn-image-6.jpg

Dany takes in their advice, but she says they will not attack King’s Landing, they will lay siege to the capital surrounding it on all sides. They will starve them out of King’s Landing, and they won’t use Dothraki and Unsullied, they will use Westerosi army. Meanwhile the Dothraki will go to Casterly Rock and take it, effectively taking the Lannister’s seat of power. The three women agree and holy fuck women rule. Dany asks to talk to Olenna alone, she says that she knows she’s just there for revenge, but Dany promises peace. Olenna says that she’s ignored most clever men in her life and she’s outlives them all (read Tyrion) and that since Dany is a dragon she shouldn’t be afraid to act like one.

Missandei knows Greyworm is leaving for Casterly Rock tomorrow and is upset he didn’t come to say goodbye to her. He says it’s hard to say goodbye to her because she is his weakness. He says when he was an unsullied child they would use his fears against him. He says because of her he now has fear and they quickly and finally make out and the award for first boobs of the season go to Missandei. Props.

Sam is in the Citadel watching Jorah get his Greyscale examined. The maester says they should have cut off his arm the moment he was touched. Jorah wants to know how long and the maester says 10-20 before it kills him, but only 6 months before he loses his mind. Meanwhile, in the regular section of the library, Professor Slughorn is using Sam as a book cart. Sam tells him that he knows of two recorded cases where advance Greyscale has been cured. Slughorn says that the procedure he speaks of is too dangerous, which is why it’s now forbidden. Jorah is in his prison writing what I can only guess is a suicide letter to Daenerys when Sam comes in with all the things he may need for a surgery. Sam says that he knew Jorah’s father because he met him when he was serving as Night’s Watch where he went after he was exiled as a knight and came to be commander. For those who don’t remember he was killed in the mutiny at Craster’s keep. Sam gives Jorah some rum and tell his to drink it all because what he’s about to do is going to hurt. He proceeds to peel the entire first layer of greyscale off of Jorah. Holy fuck it looks like a bitch.

Cut to a scene of a man in a pub biting into a meat pie that looks a lot like Jorah’s skin. I swear to the Seven, they want us to puke every episode. Arya is nearby these two listening in in and gathering information on Cersei and what’s going on at King’s Landing. Fat shit, Hot Pie shows up as he is working in the pub and asks what’s happened to her. She answers so clinically it’s almost hard to see the Arya we all love. Is she so blinded by revenge at this point? She seems so set on her destination to King’s Landing that we finally see a crack in her revenge armor as Hot Pie informs her that Jon and Sansa have taken Winterfell. We see her exit and instead of following the men to King’s Landing she heads toward Winterfell. MY HEART CANNOT TAKE IT. She rides and makes camp later in the day but the horse is agitated so she pulls out needle and suddenly they are surrounded by wolves.Then the biggest wolf of them all comes in and HOLY FUCK IT’S NYMERIA. ARYAS FUCKING DIREWOLF IS BACK. Arya tries to get Nymeria to come with her, but the direwolf goes and takes her pack with her. It’s sad, but also HOLY FUCK NYMERIA IS ALIVE.

game-of-thrones-season-7-stormborn-questions-4.png

The Sandsnakes are bitching in a hold in the Greyjoy’s ship. Their mother, Elia is in a room on the ship with Theon and Yara talking about the merits of Dorne. The girls flirt, and talk about how Theon will be Yara’s protector one day when she is queen. They are about to bang-o-rang when the ships come under attack. Euron Greyjoy has found them and rams his ships with theirs. Euron slams down into a ship in a strange but accurate WWE style and suddenly it’s an all out battle on board, which is a far cry from the monotony and politics of last episode. Two of the sandsnakes fight Euron and unlike their book counterparts (who would have won) they die. Yara finds Euron and they duke it out. It looks like he’s going to win when Theon finds Euron with his dagger to Yara’s throat. Theon almost becomes a hero but instead he jumps overboard like a little bitch. I only hope that he follows the ship they’ve taken Yara on and comes back as a hero. It’s so disappointing to see that he can’t get past what was done to him (then again, who can blame him?).

____________________________________________________________

Best quotes this week:

  • “You wish to know where my true loyalties lie? Not to any Queen or King, but with the people. The people who suffer under despots and prosper under just rule. The people whose hearts you aim to win. If you demand blind allegiance I respect your wishes. But if you let me live I will serve you well. I will dedicate myself to seeing you on the iron throne because I choose you. Because I know the people have no better chance than you.” Varys
  • I”m heading north, Girl. Back to winterfell. I’m finally going home. Come with me.” – Arya

Let’s not forget this gem:

Arya: This is good

Hot Pie: Do you think so? The secret is browning the butter before making the dough.

Arya: Mm, I didn’t do that.

Hot Pie: You been making pies?

Arya: One or two

Side note: She’s referring to the human pie of Walder Frey’s son’s that she made him eat before killing him. Bitch is stone cold.

A RECAP OF THRONES: SEASON SIX RECAP

GoT-S7-Key-Art-630x933

A Recap of Thrones: Season Six Recap

It’s that time again. The birds are chirping in the mornings, the days are starting to get longer, and HBO starts to release ten episodes of Game of Thrones for our viewing pleasure. Every year we blink, the season ends, and we are left wondering, “WHY DID THAT CHARACTER I LOVE HAVE TO DIE?” and “WHY DO I WATCH THIS SHOW?” So what better way to make the Game of Thrones season last a bit longer, than to relive the episodes the day after they air?

Check back in the next few days for the first recap of season seven, episode one, but first let’s start with a quick recap of season six. It will be a good reminder of where all of our favorite and least favorite characters have ended up.

Let’s recap:

First off, RIP to all those we lost last season:

  • Hodor
  • Margaery Tyrell
  • Ser Loras Tyrell
  • Mace Tyrell
  • Tommen Baratheon
  • Trystane Martell
  • Doran Martell
  • Myrcella Baratheon (dead in season 5, funeral in season 6)
  • Ramsey Bolton (meh)
  • The High Sparrow and all of the Faith Militant in the Sept
  • Grand Maester Pycelle (finally)
  • Rickon Stark
  • Shaggy Dog
  • Osha
  • Summer

We left season six with almost every big character sailing away from Essos. It’s fair to say that we won’t be seeing much more of Essos because it’s essentially not where shit is going to go down now. Dany ruled Mereen for a few seasons, helping out all those non-white people, and then leaving when she realized that she wasn’t going to be able to fix their city. It’s kind of like when America invades the Middle East. It takes a bit, but we soon realize it was a terrible idea and then just pack up our shit and leave the place to the dogs. Is Dany George W. Bush? Probably.

140514134325-08-got-today-horizontal-large-gallery

Jorah is the last main character left in Essos. He reveals his grayscale to Dany who commands him to find a cure and return to her in Westeros. Daenarys, Tyrion, Varys, Messandi, the Unsullied, Greyworm, and the Greyjoys leave Essos and I can only assume they’re going to meet up and ally with Olenna Tyrell of Highgarden and the Sand Snakes of Dorne. That’s quite a bit of power in Westeros behind her already. I’m hoping for some epic fighting between her and Cersei this season.

Of the three Lannister’s that are left, Tyrion was asked to be Hand of the Queen to Dany and Cersei blew up the sept and all of its inhabitants last season. She somehow didn’t think that Tommen would jump out of a window because of it. Jamie came back to King’s Landing with Bronn at the end of the last season only to find that his sister/fuck buddy had blown up nearly half of the city. It’s a bit ironic because Jaime/the Kingslayer, murdered the Mad King to prevent this very thing from happening and now Cersei has done it herself and pushed their last surviving child to his death. It’s all very awkward. Who knows what he will do now, but I’m hoping the first idea on his mind is to leave his insane sister. Or kill her.

Arya left Essos and returned to Westeros to kill the Frays. Not sure where her path leads now, but I think we’re all hoping for a Bran, Jon, Sansa, and Arya reunion. But first, Arya has a list of names of people to kill so we’ll see how well that works out for her.

After delivering Sansa to Jon safely, Sansa tasks Brienne with recruiting her uncle Brynden to their cause against Ramsey. Brienne takes Podrick with her, but unfortunately their mission fails when Bryden is killed in an attack against Jaime Lannister’s men. Brydnen gets them both out of the castle in time and the last we see of Brienne is her and Podrick rowing away from the danger as Jaime looks on letting them live. Not sure what’s on the agenda for these two this time around, but glad they’re both alive.

We thought The Hound died, but then he was nursed back to health by some religious people who were then brutally murdered by a few rogues in the brotherhood without banners. He hunted down the perpetrators and then killed them all. The Brotherhood’s leader, Beric (the guy who can’t die), is all cool about his vigilante justice and asks The Hound if he’d like to join them up north to fight the White Walkers.

The Hound’s brother, Gregor Clegane, is still a zombie and Cersei’s champion. Fans are still hoping for Cleganebowl where the two brothers finally duke it out to the death.

4

Sam and Gilly are at the Citadel so Sam can learn things and become a Maester for the night’s watch. He’s mostly likely there to further the plot and find a way in those stacks of books to kill White Walkers. Gilly is still Gilly and Little Sam is still Little Sam. Sam is basically like Belle in Beauty and the Beast.

OX3Aj.gif

Sansa accepts Jon as a Stark, yet has issues sharing information with him still. Little Finger is working his magic to cast doubt in her mind at Jon. She literally just came to the conclusion that anyone would be a fool to trust Littlefinger and here she is just thinking about trusting him again. HE GAVE YOU TO RAMSEY BOLTON, SANSA! Never forget. Every time Sansa finally seems like she’s grown a brain it suddenly disappears.

Jon has been declared King of the North and is residing at Winterfell after defeating Ramsey in the most epic battle scene of all time. He has no idea about his lineage which we saw through the eyes of Bran in a vision. Lyanna Stark is his Mother and Ragar Targarean is his father. Kind of a big deal.

Bran and Myra met up with Benjen Stark beyond the wall. Benjen leaves them there and Bran is the new three eyed raven. Don’t even ask me where this storyline is going. Now that R+L=J is confirmed I don’t see a big point in keeping Bran alive other than a Stark reunion.

The Red Woman was banished after Davos revealed to Jon that she killed Shireen. She leaves the Wall and is most likely going to meet up with Dany at some point and start blindly worshiping her just like she did with all the others.

Now we are all caught up. The Winds of Winter, the next book in the series, is still not out yet. I think Season six pretty much covered that entire book and then eventually there will be a final book by the time we are dead. I assume much of that final book will be covered in the finals seasons of Game of Thrones.

the-winds-of-winter

We are starting Season 7 a bit later than usual. Game of Thrones tends to premier in March/April and due to production the release got pushed back to July 16th. We do know that this will be a shorter season. These seasons tend to go for 10 episodes and this seventh season will only have seven episodes. We do know that the 7th and 8th episode of this season will be record breaking in length coming in at 71 & 81 minutes respectively. No complaints here. We’ve got one more week until the premiere so make sure to check out CinemAbysmal for your Recap of Thrones every Sunday night just a few hours after the episode premiers. Don’t forget to grab your parent’s HBO password and join the world in prayer to the Seven that HBO GO doesn’t crash like it always does.

A Recap of Thrones: S06 E10: The Winds of Winter

image

A Recap of Thrones: Season Six, Episode Ten: The Winds of Winter

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

It’s fitting that the title of this episode is the title of the next book in the Song of Ice and Fire series. You know the one that George RR Martin is taking a million years to write. Well, save yourself the trouble of waiting, and just watch this 10 hour season instead.

It was an extremely satisfying season overall. There were some lows, but mostly highs. It was nice to overall feel like the ‘good people’ didn’t get screwed over and over again per usual. The season finale starts with the credits showing a direwolf back on the top of Winterfell, but we also see Dorne show up on the map so I guess we have to deal with that too.

The episode starts out beautifully with Cersei, Tommen, the High Sparrow, and Margaery all getting ready for the day. The music in this scene was incredible, and also very unlike anything we’ve heard before in the series. It looks like everyone is getting ready for a funeral, and it’s fair to say we were all very on edge about who will live, and who will die this episode. In the end we should have known that Cersei was wearing black for everyone else’s funeral. She concocts an elaborate plan to gather everyone in the Sept for her trial, then blow up the entire thing with stores of wildfire.

Of course Margaery realizes her plan, but when she announces Cersei’s intent, the Sparrow ridiculously won’t let anyone leave and so everyone dies. RIP Natalie Dormer’s character. You were very good looking, and it’s sad to not have you to look at anymore. Cersei keeps Tommen from going to the Sept, and when he sees it blown to pieces, it is clear that the only thing that was keeping him together was probably his wife. In an act I didn’t see coming, Tommen barely hesitates as he walks toward a window and jumps out of it.

To me, it was the most shocking part of the episode (only because R+L=J has been on my radar for some time now – we will get to that don’t worry). Cersei’s victory isn’t sweet. She has lost everything just as she becomes Queen of Westeros. Jamie shows up, and he gives her a brief ‘WTF’ look, and she replies with an ‘I thought we were the only people who matter’ look. Jamie seems to be cool with it though, which once again proves Book Jamie is 1,000 times better than TV Show Jamie.

On a boring but adorable note, Sam and Gilly show up at the Citadel. Sam is like Belle in Beauty and the Beast when he sees the library and pretty much gives zero fucks when the guy says Gilly and the baby can’t come in. He gives her that look like, “Sorry, but who care, you can stay here, I need to go visit my peeps.” His peeps happen to be tons upon tons of books. Sam is there to be a Maester just in case anyone forgot, but I think his real purpose will be finding one of those books that will tell him how to defeat White Walkers. Otherwise what a wasteful storyline.

A white raven is sent from the Citadel to Winterfell to let Jon know Sam has made it. A white raven symbolizes that Winter IS finally fucking here, and Jon and Sansa share a knowing glance that acknowledges their house saying is no longer relevant. Davos calls out the Red Woman for killing Shireen, and Jon banishes her South. She will eventually no doubt meet up with Dany and start worshiping her.

Jon and Sansa share a beautiful moment where she accepts him as a Stark, and apologizes for not telling him about the Knights of the Vale. Sansa says anyone would be a fool to trust Littlefinger. Littlefinger confesses to Sansa all he wants is himself on the Iron Throne with her next to him. For once, he might be telling the truth, but WHY Sansa seems mildly intrigued by this idea is beyond me. Considering she JUST SAID anyone would be a fool to trust him. I’m hoping she isn’t playing that game, but they exchange some worrisome glances later in the evening as the rest of the Northern houses sit at Winterfell proclaiming their alliance to Jon ‘Stark’. Once again Lady Mormont knows what’s up, and leads the grown men in a declaration of ‘King of the North’.

Olenna Tyrell shows up in Dorne and tells all the sand snakes to STFU, which was pretty epic considering we’re all thinking it. Varys appears, and is pretty much like, ‘How about joining the Dragon Queen?’, and everyone agrees, so that’s the end of that story.

Dany dismisses ‘that guy she is sleeping with’ via Tyrion’s orders. She seems bored the entire time by it, and does finally admit she felt nothing while doing it. It’s a sad moment where she confesses to Tyrion she’s worried she’ll never love anyone, and Tyrion confesses to her that he doesn’t have faith in anything, but he has faith in her. It’s a beautiful moment, and she gives him a ‘Hand of the Queen’ pin that she had made, which he gladly accepts.

Her scene ends as the Greyjoys are sailing to Westeros alongside the Dothraki, the Unsullied, Greyworm, Messandi, Tyrion, Dany, three dragons, and the mysterious teleporting Varys who has somehow sailed to Dorne and back in one episode and is now on a ship. I KNOW that we have to assume all of these events are taking months at a time, because no one wants to watch a show where people travel constantly, but sometimes it’s hard to keep that in mind.

Speaking of time travel, Arya is suddenly in Westeros. She bakes a pie full of dead Frey sons to give to Walder Frey. Arya is wearing a mask, and she takes it off to reveal herself to Walder as she slits his throat. Satisfaction and vengeance for the Red Wedding. Now go to Winterfell and reunite with your kin!

Benjen Stark leaves Bran and Meera just in front of the wall at a weirwood. Bran decides now is a good time to end that Tower of Joy cliffhanger we’ve been dealing with since one of the first episodes of the season. Finally R+L=J. This is a fan theory that Rhaegar Targaryen (Dany’s brother), didn’t actually kidnap Lyanna Stark, they were really in love with each other, and she died in childbirth, giving birth to their son, Jon Targaryn. A young Ned finds her bloody and broken on a bed, and she confesses that the baby is hers and Rhaegar’s. She asks Ned to keep the baby, and raise it as his own bastard for the baby’s safety. Jon is half Targaryen and half Stark. Kind of a big fucking deal. Now we are really getting into the Song of Ice and Fire.

So Jon isn’t a bastard after all. He is practically royalty. I’m hoping him and Dany can get along when she shows up considering that Jon is her…nephew? Maybe a marriage? The Targaryen’s never had trouble in the past marrying each other. Yikes. What a fucking season.

____________________________________________________________

Best quotes this week:

– “My name is Arya Stark. I want you to know that. The last thing you’re ever going to see is a Stark smiling down at you as you die.” – Arya Stark
– “There’s something wrong. Cersei is not here. Tommen is not here. Why do you think they are not here? Forget about the bloody Gods, and listen to what I’m telling you. Cersei understands the consequences of her absence and she is absent anyway. Which means she is not intending to suffer those consequences. The trial can wait. We all need to leave. We all need to leave now. Loras, stay with me. Let me through, let me through. Get out of my way! Let us through!” – Margaery Tyrell
– “We need to trust each other. We can’t fight a war against ourselves, we have so many enemies now.” – Jon Snow
– “Jon a raven came from the citadel. A white raven. Winter is here.” – Sansa Stark
– “Fire and blood.” – Varys
– “Tyrion Lannister, I name you Hand of the Queen.” – Danaryes Targarean
– “But House Mormont remembers. The North remembers. We know no king, but the King in the North, whose name is Stark. I don’t care if he’s a bastard. Ned Stark’s blood runs through his veins. He is my King, from this day, until his last day.” – Lady Mormont, the real MVP

A Recap of Thrones: S06 E09 – ‘Battle of the Bastards’

got

A Recap of Thrones: Season Six, Episode Nine: Battle of the Bastards

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

SO MANY THINGS. I feel like a million epic events happened tonight. Events we have been Owaiting for since the end of Season one. In Lord of the Rings style epicnesss, we’ve got dragons, we’ve got revenge, and we’ve got TWO battles. On a directorial note, the cinematography of this episode was some of the best I’ve seen on TV, perhaps ever. I hear an Emmy calling.  

In Mereen, Dany is back, and instead of scolding Tyrion for prolonging the inevitable, she’s ready to get to work and figure out how to stop the take over. It’s super satisfying to see her trusting Tyrion, and really looking to him for advice and counsel. Dany wants to run in and kill everyone, burning the cities to the ground. Tyrion reminds her that she sounds like her crazy old dad, and he also manages to make mention of all that Wildfyre her father planted around Kings Landing (foreshadowing for the finale, anyone?), and Dany quickly takes back her statement.

The old masters try to get Dany to surrender which she predictably refuses. The other dragons are released, and don’t seem too pissed off at having been chained in a dungeon for several seasons. Dany sets dragon fire to the ships, and makes it pretty fucking clear there will be no more slavery. In a move that makes the world of Essos and Westeros look like it’s the distance from Florida to New York, Yara and Theon show up in Mereen and offer their ships. There is some very epic flirting between Yara and Dany, which I fully support, and now officially ship. Dany accepts their ships, and their offer, and it’s the start of a beautiful friendship.

Ramsey, Sansa, and Jon all meet up before the battle to exchange words. Jon offers hand to hand combat with Ramsey so no one has to die, except one of them. Ramsey obviously refuses, and so battle is declared. Davos finds Shireen’s burn site, and the daggers in his eyes confirms we haven’t heard the end of it.

At the start of the battle, Ramsey releases Rickon. He shoots arrows at the kid, letting him run back to Jon. Rickon runs in a straight line to get back to his rightful side. WHY IN THE WORLD DID HE NOT RUN IN A ZIG-ZAG FORMATION?! I know NOTHING about battle tactics or how to outrun an arrow, but it seems entirely obvious that his go to would have been zig-zagging as to not get hit. At the last moment one finds him right in the chest. It’s sad to see, but I think we all agree that if we had to pick any Stark to die tonight, it was going to be Rickon.

The battle starts and I can’t help thinking, where was Ghost? I’m guessing with the dragons, the giant, and the dogs at the end, the CGI budget was completely tapped out at the end of this episode. The battle is some of the best shit I’ve seen on TV in a long time. It was chaotic and grimy, and the tactics medieval in nature. It was one of the best scenes of this entire series. There’s a terrible moment when it looks like Jon might die of asphyxiation from being crushed to death by the weight of dead bodies. For some reason my mind blanked on Sansa writing that letter to ‘someone’ which we all guessed was Petyr Baelish but it was never confirmed. So just as it seems all hope is lost the Knights of the Vale show up, and with some relief, Jon, Wun-Wun, and Tormund charge for the gates of Winterfell. It’s a tough gate to crack, but I guess when you have a giant, it seems like childs play.

When Ramsey and Jon lock eyes again, Ramsey tries to bargain with a one-on-one fight. Jon has had enough of this little shit, and charges him nearly beating his face in to death, but stopping just in time as he sees Sansa. The look in her eyes says, “Please let me decide how this fucker goes.” And so Ramsey wakes up in a holding cell where his man-eating dogs surround him, having not fed them for seven days. In a beautiful form of revenge, the dogs eat Ramsey alive, and I can’t really think of a better way for that death to go.

Stark banners fall on the walls of Winterfell once more (new intro next week?), and we end the episode with a beautiful ghost of a smile on Sansa’s face as she listens to the dogs rip Ramsey’s face apart.

Things that still need to be wrapped up:

  • Where is Arya headed and when will she get there? With this new teleportation system the show has going on, hopefully she can reunite with her siblings in Winterfell soon.
  • What’s Bran up to? Where is he going, what is his new purpose, and will he see his family again?
  • What will be the fate of the Lannisters? Jamie is breaking bread with the Freys (despicable), while Cersei awaits trial with Loras. Will she take King’s Landing down with her? How much longer does Tommen even have on the throne? Where is Ser Pounce?
  • Why is the Hound back? What will be his purpose? An epic showdown with this zombie brother?
  • Will Brienne and Pod make it back to Winterfell?
  • When will Dany set sail for Westeros?
  • Will Davos out the Red Lady for killing Shrieen?
    ____________________________________________________________

Best quotes this week:

– “My hounds will never harm me.” – Ramsey Bolton

– “Our father’s were evil men. All of us here. They left the world worse than they found it. We aren’t going to do that. We are going to leave the world better than we found it.” – Dany

– “Happy shitting.” – Tormund Giantsbane

– “Bury my brother in the crypt. Next to my father.” – Jon Snow

– “His big cock. I think he said. Yuron’s offer is also an offer of marriage, you see you won’t get one without the other.” -Yara

“And your offer is free of any marriage demands?” – Dany

“I never demand, but I’m up for anything really.” –Yara

A Recap of Thrones: S06 E08 – “No One”

got

A Recap of Thrones: Season Six, Episode Eight: No One

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

Remember that time Arya got just about seven mortal stab wounds, including a twist of the knife in the gut, and then DIDN’T die? Let’s recap that shall we?

There was many a rumor that last episode, the person getting stabbed couldn’t possibly be Arya. Arya would NEVER spend nearly two years getting training to be an assassin, and then flaunt her wealth around town, serenely stare out at the water letting her guard down just to get stabbed. She couldn’t possibly be that stupid, right? Well, turns out she could. All that training for nothing. Arya goes to find the actress she was supposed to kill, who somehow turns seven mortal stab wounds into a slight flesh wound that can be healed with heroin and bandages. I can’t be the only one who finds this hard to believe right? The Waif finds Arya, kills the actress, and chases her through the streets. Arya leads her underground where she has hidden her sword Needle, and kills the Waif using her skills of being blind for so long. She then cuts the Waif’s face off and sticks it in the hall of many faces for Sexy Jesus to find. She tells him she’s Arya Stark, Lady of Being Stupid and Staying in Essos for Two Years for No Reason, and she’s headed back to Winterfell. Well that didn’t make any sense, but there you have it.

The Hound exacts his beautiful revenge on several of the men who killed the people he was staying with. There are many a beautiful deaths that occur. He goes on to find the ring leader, but Beric Dondarrion finds them first. Beric, we first saw back in the first few seasons. The Hound and Beric fought, and Beric died but the Lord of Light brought him back. They make a quick alliance to kill the men together in a hanging, and The Hound joins them, at least for dinner.

Tyrion bids farewell to Varys who sets sail for Westeros to make more friends for Danareys. It’s sad to see the two part, and Tyrion tries to fill the void by redoubling his efforts to befriend Missandei and Grey Worm. It seems like it will work until the Masters of Astapor come with their ships to lay siege to Mereen. Just as things get desperate, Dany shows up on Drogon, looking at everything like she can’t even take a fucking vacation around here or the whole city literally burns to the ground.

Cersei chooses violence rather beautifully. The High Septon demands Cersei see him at the Sept, to which Cersei says how about I send one of your men back in a body bag? The Mountain beats one pretty fully to death, which clearly enrages the Septon who has a few words with Tommen (AKA, the killer of all Cleaganebowl hype), who now demands that there be no more trial by combat. Years of hype ruined by a ten year old who names his cat Ser Pounce. So disappointing. Cersei AND Loras’ trial will take place soon. I’m sure Margaery has a plan to get Loras out of this, but it looks more and more likely that Cersei will die this season. I think it’s safe to assume she’s going to try to take every single person down with her on the way.

Brienne and Pod arrive at Riverrun, and after some hilarious banter between Bron and Pod, we see Brienne work with Jamie to convince the Blackfish to give up Riverrun. The Blackfish does have sentiment towards Sansa, but he tells Brienne that Riverrun is his home, and he will defend it. Brienne tires to get him to come back with her, but he refuses and dies when Jamie takes the castle with the help of Edmund Tully. Jamie takes a complete 180 from his book character delivering an obnoxious speech about how Cersei is his everything. It is nice that he sees Brienne fleeing with Pod, and lets her go peacefully. It shows that there is at least one thing he cares for besides his sister.

Overall it was an episode that had its moments, but really it was just a precursor to a giant battle between the Bastards, and eventually destruction of Cersei and everyone around her. As for the Arya stuff, I think we are all still scratching our head over that plot decision.  
____________________________________________________________

Best quotes this week:

– “You’re shit at dying, you know that?” – The Hound

– “Varys! The most famous dwarf in the world.”  – Tyrion Lannister

– “Lesson number one, assume everyone wants to hit you. Because they do Pod, Everyone wants to hit a fucking squire.” – Bron

A Recap of Thrones: S6 E7 – “The Broken Man”

image

A Recap of Thrones: Season Six, Episode Seven: The Broken Man

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

CLEGANEBOWL GET HYPE! It’s finally happening. The Hound is alive and well, and as the episode started this way, let’s start the recap there as well.

We all knew something was up when our intro music didn’t suddenly start playing tonight, but instead we watch a group of the happiest people to ever step foot in Westeros build a wooden structure of some sort. Holy Ian McShane (that guy who says ‘cocksuckers’ a lot in Deadwood) joins the cast for an episode as a reformed man who seems to be the one we can thank for saving The Hound’s life after Arya left him for dead. He is alive and well, and possibly waiting for a good moment to go kill his brother, when all the good people he’s been chilling with are slaughtered. It’s a great way for him to take that axe he’s been using to angrily chop wood, and exact some revenge on the three guys who did the killin’. I’m expecting a full Hound recovery by the end of the season so he can fight and defeat his brother in Cersei’s trial by combat.

Speaking of Cersei, I think this will be her last season. It’s a shame because Lena Heady is such a great actress and I’ve really enjoying loving to hate Cersei these past few years. But, if we want The Hound to win this one, Cersei obviously will lose this one, and it’s pretty clear from the verbal bitch slap that Olenna gave her, The Lannisters are done for. Queen Margaery is playing a good long game (the stuffing of the rose symbol rather than the Sparrow symbol into her grandmother’s hand proves it). She’s just waiting for the perfect opportunity to shove Tommen off a roof after Cersei dies and call it good.

Sansa, Jon, and Davvos are off to ask for help from the last great houses of the North. It’s not going well, but the BEST scene of the night was watching nine year old Lyanna Mormont show us all how it’s done when it comes to leading a house. That actress killed it, and it was such a great moment. We can only hope that *theory* Cersei’s death with give Jamie a chance to go over to Brienne’s side and help bring the Northern Stark army the men it deserves. Also, yay for Bronn being back in action and being SO fucking over Lannisters paying their debts. We end the North storyline this week with Sansa finally giving in and writing to, I assume Petyr (as I’m sure he knew she would), to bring troops ASAP.

Yara Greyjoy surprises no one with her preference for vagina, and it is confirmed that once Theon gets his shit together they will sail to Mereen to side with Dany. Convenient that they have a ton of ships, and all the ships in Mereen’s harbor burned to dust. Good timing.

Also in Essos, Arya gets stabbed like seven times by The Waif and falls into a river. She then stumbles around bleeding out and no one does anything. That’s how it goes down in Bravvos. Before the stabbing, she is seen flaunting her wealth for passage to Westeros, then hanging out in the open, not watching her back, and enjoying the scenery. Did any of this seem OFF to anyone else? I’m thinking Arya DID flaunt her Westerosi tongue, and book passage LOUDLY all around town. But only so the Waif could hear about it. Then who knows. There already theories popping up about if she REALLY was stabbed, or if someone wearing her face was stabbed. It’s hard to say what’s happening here, but I think we can all rest assured that Arya will make it out of this one alive.
____________________________________________________________

Best quotes this week:

– “As long as I’m standing, the war’s not over.” – The Blackfish

– “Are you the worst person I’ve ever met? You’ve lost Cersei. It’s the only joy I could find in this Misery.” – Olenna Tyrell, Queen of Thornes