A Review of Thrones

It’s that time again. The birds are chirping in the mornings, the days are starting to get longer, and HBO starts to release ten episodes of Game of Thrones for our viewing pleasure. Every year we blink, the season ends, and we are left wondering, “WHY DID THAT CHARACTER I LOVE HAVE TO DIE?” and “WHY DO I WATCH THIS SHOW?” So what better way to make the Game of Thrones season last a bit longer, than to relive the episodes the day after they air?

Holly Hill is a world-renowned YouTuber (https://www.youtube.com/user/hollishillis) and book geek. When she’s not talking about Game of Thrones, she’s talking about literally everything else. Check her out on Twitter! @HollisHillis

A RECAP OF THRONES: SEASON EIGHT, EPISODE SIX: NO ONE IS VERY HAPPY, WHICH MEANS IT’S A GOOD COMPROMISE?

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

In a nutshell:

Okay, quick recap.

Tyrion has had a bad week. He backed the wrong person, watched a bunch of people burn alive, found out he was not as smart as he thought he had always been and then found the last of his entire family dead and buried. Yikes. This kind of seemed like the end for him and Dany sent him to rot for a bit until she can have him executed.

Daenerys has this great scene coming out from the ruins to talk to her people with Drogon’s wings behind her. Emilia Clarke’s acting through her facial expressions have been everything this season and she did not fail us in sending off Daenery’s properly. Her speech in Dothraki was truly awesome. I don’t have a problem with how her arc turned out I just feel like it needed to be done over the course a few more episodes and not completely normal to absolutely fucking mad in two episodes.

Jon has turned out to me to be the biggest disappointment of all the characters. Even after he watches Dany burn everyone to the ground it takes a talk with Tyrion to convince him that MAYBE his queen is a bit psychotic. I was shocked he was even still defending her at this point. Seems like Jon’s purpose to coming back to life was to just murder Dany in the end. It wasn’t that shocking, but there you go. I think the saddest part was how quick it all happened. All that power, all that time spent getting here only to die at the hand of her lover feet from the throne she hoped to rule. Then Drogon is all ‘fuck that chair’, grabs a dead bitch and fucks off to Essos. Jon is redeemed only when he is forced to go back to Castle Black and give Ghost the pets he deserves.

With Dany gone – who will rule? Jon is the most worthless choice at this point and I’m just thrilled no one else even brings up the idea that he should rule. I mean he did kill the queen so that might have something to do with it, but damn he has been the worst this season.

Sam suggests democracy….lol

Sansa waits for everyone to name her Queen…nope.

Grey Worm tells Tyrion to shut up – he agrees and then makes a speech.

His speech essentially is that someone who knows all the stories should rule – to bind us together. He means Bran The Broken. And Bran’s all ‘yeah dude I didn’t just come all the way down here for fun with my dozens of furs and vacant expressions’.

Sansa makes the North an independent nation and is Queen of the North. Bronn gets all the titles he ever needed. Davos is somehow still alive. The breast milk kid got taller, but still looks like a kid that drinks breast milk. Yara is there complaining. Grey Worm fucks off with his unsullied on the water. Tyrion becomes Hand again as punishment for sucking at being Hand. Arya sails west of Westeros.

Perhaps the most touching of all the scenes this episode (besides Drogon nudging Dany’s lifeless body OH MY GOD WHY YOU MAKE ME CRY), was Brienne writing in the book of knights – a book made of paper that was somehow not destroyed with all that dragon fire. She writes of all of Jamie’s heroic deeds – leaving out his incest and the crippling of a child. It was rather touching.

And finally, the greatest quote of this episode the one that explains how everyone is probably feeling right now: “No one is very happy. Which means it’s a good compromise I suppose.”

I see what you did there you little shitheads David Benioff and D.B. Weiss. I see what you did there.

Best Quotes:

Tyrion: I freed my brother. And you slaughtered a city.
Tyrion to Jon: You have to choose now.
Dany: When I was a little girl my brother told me it was made with 1000 swords from Aegon’s fallen enemies. What do 1000 swords look like in the mind of a little girl who can’t count to 20?
Jon: Have you been down there? Have you seen? Children burned. Little children BURNED.
Dany: We do it together. We break the wheel together.
Jon: You are my queen. Now and always.
Arya: Say another word about killing my brother and I’ll cut your throat.
Tyrion: Bran is our memory. The keeper of all our stories.
Bran: Why do you think I came all this way?
Sansa: Tens of thousands of Northmen fell in the great war, defending all of Westeros. And those who have survived have seen too much and fought too hard ever to kneel again. The North will remain and independent kingdom, as it was for thousands of years.
Jon: There’s still a Night’s Watch?
Sam: A Song of Ice and Fire. Archmaester Ebrose’s history of the wars following the death of King Robert. I helped him with the title.
Tyrion: Ser Bronn of the Blackwater, Lord of Highgarden, Lord Paramount of the Reach, and Master of Coin. Would you say the crown’s debt you has been paid?
Davos: These projects will begin as soon as the Master of Coin and Lord of Lofty Titles provides funding.
Bronn: Are you master of grammar now too?

A RECAP OF THRONES: SEASON EIGHT, EPISODE FIVE: BURN, CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, BURN (DRAGON INFERNO)

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

Okay, so I was half joking about the mad queen stuff last recap. Because why would a character that has always been fair and merciful suddenly want to burn an entire city to the ground with innocent men, women and children inside just because one of her people was killed? Why would someone who stayed behind in a city for two seasons to learn how to be a fair and compassionate ruler suddenly throw all that knowledge out the window? Now that Jorah is dead can we just go do whatever we want? Just because she has a tendency toward ‘madness’ in her blood? A tendency that has shown no signs of developing until an episode ago? People don’t LOVE her so she burns an entire city to the ground so she can rule? Her people loving her was something she understood for the last eight seasons (until this episode apparently) that she would have to earn. Suddenly she’s impatient for it and just needs to destroy everything in her path?

I have almost no words for how much complete shit writing that is. Who is this dumbed down, idiot version of Daenerys Targaryen that we are forced to deal with suddenly?

Also, Greyworm be like, ‘Oh are we killing and raping everyone now? That’s cool.”

Gotta love Jon’s face when he realizes that he’s on the wrong side of all this.

Tyrion. WTF. Tyrion who has seen over and over again that Cersei will NEVER yield, even for her unborn child, and yet he still frees Jamie to go and get her to surrender and ring the bells. It’s a nice thought but holy shit he used to be the smartest person on this show? Did he leave all his brains at Winterfell with Sansa to take them? A very heartwarming goodbye between Tyrion and Jamie though.

And Jamie…..Book Jamie > TV Jamie. That’s all I have to say. Looks like Cersei and Jamie went down together. A bit anticlimactic, but you have to give it up for Lena Headey. Over the past eight seasons, that is some of the best damn acting I’ve ever seen in a TV series.

Clegane Bowl was just as cool as promised, but after watching Dany fall from grace it didn’t have the same excitement to it. The Hound stopped Arya from killing Cersei and told her to leave before she died and became consumed by revenge. Only to see Dany go full psycho and have her turn right back around on that mythical white horse to go kill a different queen. The scene of her running through the streets was actually pretty cool.

You know my girl Sansa is just sipping wine at Winterfell reading these reports coming in about King’s Landing like, ‘I fucking told you so’. As Arya said….the smartest person we know.

Honestly, I’d be fine with this story line if what Dany did made ANY sense with what we’ve learned about her in the series so far. NOTHING indicates she’d ever so something like this so suddenly. There was no build up for her to make these choices, nothing she chose to do made any sense in regards to who we know her to be. You don’t just flip from completely normal to insane because one or two things don’t go your way. Not with at least a TON of foreshadowing about her father going mad over just one thing. It is said over and over again that her father SLOWLY descended into madness. All it takes for Dany apparently to go insane is the non-threat of a guy who doesn’t want to be king, the death of one friend in a WAR where people were bound to die, and the fear that no one will give her love she hasn’t sought to earn at all.

Best Quotes:

Varys: I hope I deserve this. I hope I’m wrong.
Dany: Far more people in Westeros love you than love me. I don’t have love here. I have fear.
Tyrion: The people who live here are not your enemies. They’re innocents like the ones you liberated in Mereen. Please, if you hear them ringing the bells, call off the attack.
Tyrion: Tens of thousands of innocent lives, one not particular innocent dwarf….seems like a fair trade.
Qyburn: Obey your Queen, Ser Gregor.

Also, I stole this from reddit, but damn it made me laugh.

Dany this episode:

A RECAP OF THRONES: SEASON EIGHT, EPISODE FOUR: A DESCENT INTO MADNESS

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

This show can still surprise me, which…quite frankly surprised me. I feel like ever since Jon was resurrected there has been so much fan service of this show everything feels pretty predictable. OF COURSE the dead were going to be defeated. OF COURSE all our favorite characters survived. Just like the first 45 minutes of this episode, everything was predictable. Then the last 20 minutes were some really great storytelling that threw some major anxiety in and really gave us some surprises. Mainly, slowly watching Dany go full fucking mad king, which I am loving.

But let’s recap the first half of the show.

Gendry is made Lord of Storm’s End by Dany. He inexplicably and rather heart warmingly asks Arya to be his Lady (uh, dude…why would you think she’d say yes to that?). Arya is flattered but would obviously rather go kill Cersei so she heads south with The Hound who also needs to extract his revenge on his brother *CLEGANEBOWL IS A GO MF-ERS!*.

As for Three Eyed Bran, I swear to God those piles of furs on his legs get larger every time the camera is on him. One day the camera will turn on him and he’ll just be buried in animal fur. Bran mostly just wheels around saying weird shit all episode and just confirms to Sansa and Arya that Jon is in fact heir of the Iron Throne.

A fact that Dany begs Jon not to tell anyone about because she knows that they all prefer him to her. Jon, being Jon, of course cannot keep this secret from his family because family is everything to him. Sansa swears not to tell anyone and then promptly tells Tyrion, because Dany is being kind of a psycho lately.

Here’s some weird shit: Jamie and Brienne go to doin’ it town. Only for Jamie to leave to either be with Cersei or kill her (not sure) once he realizes she might actually win this thing.

Sam and Gilly say bye bye because they’re useless. The Wildlings head back north with Ghost because fuck your dog who has been with you through everything, amiright Jon? Not even a goodbye pat. Terrible pet owner.

Bronn finally shows up to kill Tyrion and Jamie and they promise him High Garden if he doesn’t do it. Whatever.

Now that Tyrion knows there’s another option besides Dany, he’s desperate to get her and Jon to marry, but it’s too late. Vary’s knows that now that eight people know, everyone will know. Now that the idea is out there, it will be impossible to quell. Dany knows it too. She begs Jon not to say anything and he does it anyway and I think she knows he has too. She starts to unravel. She cannot hold a kingdom that does not love or respect her.

Then shit starts to get kind of crazy. Dany and Jon are on their way to King’s Landing to fight Cersei. Dany is at sea with Tyrion and Varys who are discussing Jon’s legacy and what this means for the future. They are both unsure who would be a better ruler. Dany is flying out at sea with her dragons and runs right into Euron Greyjoy with his dragon killing arrows. Boom…dragon down. Didn’t see that shit coming. The entire fleet is destroyed and Missandei is captured. The raw fury in Dany’s eyes is…unsettling.

Her fury increases. She’s barely able to listen to reason. She’s ready to burn the entirety of King’s Landing to the ground. Cersei is a ruthless badass bitch who sees her weaknesses and huddles the men, women and children of the city into her keep. Now Dany has to decide if she would like to burn down innocents to get what she wants. She is honestly BARELY STRUGGLING with this concept, something we would not have seen her do in previous seasons. She is unraveling. You can see it in her decision making, her movements, her eyes. She thinks it is her destiny to rule, to free people from tyranny….while she speaks of doing tyrannical things.

At the end of the episode when Cersei BEHEADS Missandei you can feel Dany unraveling. Things are not looking good for our Mad Queen.

Dany: I think you should be Lord of Storm’s End
Bran: I don’t really want anymore. You shouldn’t envy me, mostly I live in the past *Wheels away cryptically*
Sansa: Without Little Finger and Ramsey and the rest, I would have stayed a little bird all my life.
Dany: I saw the way they looked at you. I know that look. So many people have looked at me that way. Never on this side of the sea…
Sansa: What if there is someone else….someone better.
Varys: She’s his aunt.
Tyrion: Maybe Cersei will win and kill us all. That would solve all our problems.
Varys: I worry about her state of mind…
Varys: Tens of thousands of innocents will die. These are the people you came here to protect. I beg you, Your Grace, do not destroy the city you came to save. Do not become what you have always struggled to defeat.
Dany: I am here to free the world from Tyrants. That is my destiny. And I will serve it no matter the cost.
Dany: They should know who to blame when the sky falls down upon them *WHAT THE FUCK*

A RECAP OF THRONES: SEASON EIGHT, EPISODE THREE: HOLY SHIT

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

Doesn’t all the petty drama and bullshit from last week seem pretty stupid now? I wrote a whole post last week about the politics of people’s emotions with each other and this whole episode certainty made all that seem rather tiresome.

Going back to my last post, I was a little ambitious with the amount of people I had dying. I think we all honestly expected more people to kick the bucket this episode. I correctly predicted Jorah, Lyanna (that little 80 lb. Gryffindor just stabbing that Giant in the eye: hero status), Theon (REDEEMED, RIP) , Edd (thanks, Sam!) and Beric (purpose served).

I am seriously impressed so many people lived and also a bit like….really? Brienne almost died in the first five minutes of that battle and then her and Jamie and even Podrick are just like BARELY holding back a million dead people for like four hours.

Looks like Grey Worm is probably fine along with The Hound, Gendry, maybe Gilly, Tormund, Ghost. Hard to say for sure, but they’re probably fine.

Turns out the crypts are NOT safe. When you’re fighting a guy that can animate the dead, maybe don’t hide among the dead. A bunch of women and children died, but all the main characters down there were mostly safe I think. Tyrion and Sansa had a rather touching moment. Future BFFs.

It was really a great battle episode though. Highlights were the dothraki running with fire in the dark towards the dead and watching the fire slowly go out. Then there was the dead killing themselves to make a bridge of dead people for the dead to cross. So much dead. Another great bit was Dany trying to light the ice king on fire, and a big oh shit when that didn’t work. Then there was the dead SWARMING a dragon. Holy shit. Looks like both the dragons are still alive though according to the trailer for next week and dead dragon is dead.

Anyone else really annoyed and confused though about Jon and Dany taking fucking dragon magic carpet rides through the clouds like Aladdin and Jasmine? Uh, war is that way dummies – on the ground. It was pretty damn weird and confusing. I understood that they couldn’t see anything, but it just felt really weird.

Sam was the biggest disappointment of the episode. I thought he was going to go in the crypt and then he shows up and just puts other people’s lives in danger trying to protect him. I love that bit where Jon sees Sam fighting for his life and he like…ALMOST stops and saves him, but then he’s like, nah too much trouble and not enough reward. Sam got a lot of people killed this episode and that little shit should have just stayed in the crypt.

The biggest surprise was Melisandre showing up with her cryptic ass warnings and getting everyone to figure out their destinies. Then she just Voldemorted away into the sunrise dead AF.

Bran spends the episode peacing out on a mushroom trip while ten people protect him. I’m not sure what the point of the drifting into a bunch of raven bodies was, but he came back just in time to be like – thanks Theon…byeeeeee.

The most intense scene was Arya tip toeing through Winterfell trying not to attract any dead. Got serious Jurassic Park vibe with that one. Velociraptors in the kitchen, anyone?

FINALLY, we think Jon is going to kill the Night King a few times but then BAM mutha fuckin’ ARYA STARK comes out of nowhere and just fuckin’ DESTROYS him. Ya dead bitch. Along with every creature he ever made. So I guess that’s the end of the dead being a problem. I thought we’d get them for a few more episodes, but that’s one way to solve that problem. Arya kind of looks at Bran like damn did I just do that? And Bran classically just stares off into space again.

Shout out to the sound editing peeps and the score on this episode. Fantastic.

Now we get to see Dany, Jon, two dragons, and about 15 people take Westeros from Cersei and her army. That is if they’re still talking.

Damn Cersei, you smart staying warm, dry and drunk in King’s Landing.

Not a lot of talking this week, but best quotes this week:

Bran: I’m going to go now *trips out*
Melisandre: Brown eyes, green eyes….and blue eyes.

A RECAP OF THRONES: SEASON EIGHT, EPISODE TWO: THE ONE WHERE EVERYONE TALKS

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)The episode where everyone either talks, flirts, or gets it on. To be fair with only four episodes left and at least two more battles, characters do have to wrap their shit up with each other. The eerie part is that some characters resolved their issues and others did not. I have a feeling that those who didn’t are the ones who are going to survive next week’s episode.

So that’s my prediction.

Here’s my prediction of who dies based on this theory:

Jamie wraps up his beef with Dany, Sansa, Tyrion, Bran and even manages to knight Brienne in the process. Also, Bran gives him that creepy ‘how do you know there’s an afterwards?’. Jamie is gonna die.

Bran wraps up his 3EB bit by confessing he won’t tell anyone about what Jamie did, and tells everyone that the Night King is after him so they’ll use him as bait. Bran then spends the rest of his night telling Tyrion everything about his story and I’m going to assume all he knows. Bran is going to die.

Jorah wraps up his relationship with Dany, finally being okay with his relegation to the friend zone. He even tells her to keep Tyrion on as hand even after all his mighty fuck ups. Sam gives him his family sword and he has a conversation with Lyanna that sounds a lot like goodbye. I’m gonna say Jorah dies.

Lyanna will die. I can’t imagine her surviving this. Her combat skills aint that good. She’ll probably die with all the ‘The North will never bow again’ people. Wraps up that problem nicely.

Gendry makes a sword for Arya after she proves to him she can kill pretty well. This must have been her weird way of foreplay because she strips naked for him and bangs him before the battle starts. A bit out of character for Arya, but whatever. Good for Arya, good for Gendry. Gendry serves no purpose now. Bye Gendry.

Theon is accepted back at Winterfell by Sansa. He requests to defend Bran at the weirwood tree and that will be his final stand and he’ll die forgiven.

Podrick will probably die. It would suck for Brienne to lose him and Jamie in one go, but I don’t see Pod’s story line going anywhere else at the moment. Could be wrong though.

Ghost made an appearance this week. No dragons so his CGI budget was intact. I think showing him was a subtle reminder that he’s still around, and that he’s probably going to die. Hopefully saving Jon’s life. Would be a good time too for Arya’s Direwolf Nymeria to show up with her pack and start ripping out white walker throats.

People I don’t care about living or dying:

Grey Worm and Missandei, the relationship I care the least about, had a nice goodbye. They talked of their future plans. I’m not sure if either of them will or won’t make it out of this battle alive, but I’m not going to guess because I honestly don’t care.

Gilly is back. Gilly will be in the crypt with Sam and Little Sam. Meh. Don’t really care about any of that.

Jon’s Night Watch buddies. Meh.

Beric is here for the Lord of Light. I could see him dying next week while saving someone who is actually key to the story aka the Lord of Light’s plan. I don’t really care either way though.

People who are going to live:

Dany and Sansa try to talk it out. They almost come to an understanding several times, but every time Sansa pretty much shuts that shit down. I’m super in love with that fact that they aren’t friends at all. Every time Dany tries to talk to Sansa she sounds like she’s bullshitting her for some reason and I feel like the audience can see it and so can Sansa. These two have unresolved issues. They’ll live.

The Hound and Arya talk a bit and it doesn’t really go anywhere. He can’t die though because he has to kill The Mountain. At least I hope that’s how this all finally goes for him.

Brienne and Tormund…well, nothing is resolved there. Both will live and with Jamie out of the way….

Tryion resolves his issues with Dany and his brother. He will live.

The biggest move forward this week was Jon telling Dany that he’s the last male heir Targaryen. Instead of being horrified that she’s been banging her nephew for the last few weeks/months (what is Time on this show?), she is mad she isn’t the rightful heir to the throne. Before they can talk it out, the battle is about to begin and the episode is over. Both will live. They gotta figure this shit out.

No one talked about the dragons this week or what the plans are to use them in battle, but I am looking forward to seeing the two living ones vs the one dead one.

Best quotes this week:

Daenerys: I see one man, with one hand.
Dany: He never should have trusted Cersei / Sansa: You never should have either.
Lyanna: I will not hide underground. I pledged to fight for The North and I will fight.
Arya: My weapon? / Gendry *rock hard*: I’ll get right on it.
Sansa: What about The North? It was taken from us and we took it back. And we said we’d never bow to anyone else again. What about The North?
Tyrion: She never fooled you. You always knew exactly what she was. And you loved her anyway.
The Hound: I fought for you didn’t I?
Tormund: They call me ‘Giantsbane’. I killed a giant when I was ten. Then I climbed right into bed with his wife. And she woke up. You know what she did? Suckled me at her teat for three months. Thought I was her baby. That’s how I got so strong. Giant’s milk. *cue Jamie’s wtf face*

A RECAP OF THRONES: SEASON EIGHT, EPISODE ONE

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

First thing’s first: Cool new intro. I love that they’re switching it up this final season. They’re showing the progress of the White Walkers heading south too and that will be fun to track via the intro each new episode.

Also, I guess we’re giving up episode title names for season eight. So that’s weird.

Let’s start with the south and King’s Landing. Cersei is pregnant and the baby’s daddy once again is her brother. Well since Jamie fucked right on off up to Winterfell (assuming he’s going to go tell Tyrion she aint coming) she’s gotta figure out a way to make this baby legitimate. Enter Euron Greyjoy. And enter he did. Finally, Cersei sends Bron off to murder Tyrion. Will he do it? Probably not.

Theon finally saves Yara who rightly head butts him, but ultimately forgives him. Theon asks to go to Winterfell to fight and Yara lets him because let’s face it, Theon is not really that useful. He’s probably going to die doing something semi-heroic to redeem himself in the battle for Winterfell.

Daenery’s shows up at Winterfell to a very hostile North. Sansa particularly aint havin’ any of that shit. Jon and Arya have a super awesome reunion and when Jon tries to joke about how Sansa is being a brat Arya shuts that shit down real quick, which I kind of love. Females empowering females.

Jamie shows up at Winterfell towards the end and Three Eyed Bran (3EB) is like ‘sup, remember me? I doubt he’ll say much about it though considering he’s told everyone he can this episode that he’s no longer Bran, just the three eyed raven. Fuck we get it Bran. Could you stop making everyone feel so god damn weird all the time? The big question is what will Dany do about the fact that the man who killed her crazy ass father has just arrived? How will Tyrion take it when she inevitably kills him? Or will this be her chance to show some mercy since she hasn’t really before?

Tons of reunions this episode. Arya/Sam/Bran & Jon. Sansa & Tyrion. Yara & Theon. Gendry/The Hound & Arya. Jorah & Sam.

Oh right about that Sam and Jorah thing. Dany is super stoked to meet Sam because he saved the life of her friend zoned forever bff Jorah. Only thing is….she also burned his father and brother alive. It’s….awkward to say the least. This gives Sam the fuel fire he needs to confront Jon and tell him he is really Aegon Targaryen. What Jon ends up doing with that information, only time will tell. More importantly when he realizes he’s been fucking his Aunt this entire time, what will he do? Since Targaryen’s were fairly incestual for most of their bloodline I’d say this just becomes a minor plot point.

I love that zero people have asked about what happened to Little Finger.

Also, RIP Lord Umber and Last Hearth.

Best quotes this week:

Sansa to Tyrion: I used to think you were the cleverest man alive.
Lyanna: You left Winterfell a King and came back a — I’m not sure what you are now. My Lord? Nothing at all?
Sansa: What do Dragon’s eat anyway? Dany: Whatever they want.
Jon to Arya: How’d you sneak up on me?
Jon to Arya: Sansa thinks she’s smarter than everyone. Arya to Jon: She’s the smartest person I’ve ever met.
The Hound to Arya: You left me to die. Arya to The Hound: First I robbed you.

A RECAP OF THRONES: SEASON SEVEN RECAP

A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven Recap

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

It’s that time again. The birds are chirping in the mornings, the days are starting to get longer, and HBO starts to release episodes of Game of Thrones for our viewing pleasure. Every year we blink, the season ends, and we are left wondering, “WHY DID THAT CHARACTER I LOVE HAVE TO DIE?” and “WHY DO I WATCH THIS SHOW?” So what better way to make the Game of Thrones season last a bit longer, than to relive the episodes the day after they air? Remember this is the LAST SEASON.

Check back in Sundays for the first recap of season seven, episode one, but first let’s start with a quick recap of season seven. It will be a good reminder of where all of our favorite and least favorite characters have ended up.

Let’s recap:

First off, RIP to all those we lost last season:

Obra Sand (meh)
Nymeria Sand (double meh)
Tyene Sand (triple meh)
Ellaria Sand (good)
Olenna Tyrell (FIERCEST DEATH)
Randyll Tarly (Dragon fire)
Dickon Tarly (your name is DICKON?! – also dragon fire)
All those Lannister Soldiers (more dragon fire)
Benjen Stark
Viserion (now undead Viserion)
Little Finger (Sometimes when I try to understand a person’s motives….I like to play a little game)

Things to remember from season 7:

We left season seven with Cersei saying she was down with an alliance after seeing a white walker and then noping out of that alliance ASAP. Cersei is pregnant with her brother’s baby. Cersei also might have more dragon catapult arrow throwers.

Theon punches a Greyjoy man to death and convinces the rest of the lot to go save Yara.

The Red Woman leaves for Essos, but not before telling Varys that she will be back and they will both die in Westeros.

Bran is Three Eyed Bran (3EB) and is still a weird little shit. He just is biding his time waiting to tell Jon of his true heritage. Sam is back with Bran and knows about the whole thing too so now we just wait for them to tell him that he just fucked his Aunt on a boat.

Sansa and Arya killed Littlefinger and it was glorious.

When Jon is beyond the wall they kill the main white walker of a group and somehow it kills all the other ones. So that’s helpful information to remember. Also remember that burning white walkers and stabbing them with dragonglass is the only way to kill them. Also Viserion is a white walker dragon and he burned down the wall.

Now we are all caught up. The Winds of Winter is still not out yet, George RR Martin thinks this shouldn’t be the last season of GoT but who gives a shit what he thinks? If he wanted an opinion he could have written faster.

We are starting Season 8 almost two years after Season 7 aired. We only get six episodes and then it’s over forever. Or you can continue when the Winds of Winter comes out in 5-10 years.

Review of Thrones will be back Sunday night after GoT airs so check out CinemAbysmal for your every Sunday night just a few hours after the episode premiers. Don’t forget to grab your parent’s HBO password and join the world in prayer to the Seven that HBO GO doesn’t crash like it always does.

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E07: THE DRAGON AND THE WOLF

A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Seven: The Dragon and The Wolf

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

Thanks for waiting a day for this recap and reading it anyway! What a SEASON. See ya next year.

While the world spent the weekend engrossed in two men fighting in a ring and the Game of Thrones season finale, I was camping in a smoky wood covered in ash with no cell service, contemplating why I chose this weekend of all weekends to be without internet. Nevertheless, I made it back to civilization today and the first thing I did was sit down and watch this hour and half long episode of Game of Thrones. Apologies for the lateness, but let’s get into this.

Let’s start at Winterfell where the majority of my anxiety was this season. I so desperately wanted to believe that Sansa and Arya were playing this game together, but years of thinking characters were smarter than they are has only led me to disappointment so I kept my expectations low with this one and was fully ready for Sansa to possibly somehow get murdered (let’s be honest, no one is killing Arya). When Sansa brought Arya into the hall surrounded by guards and read chargers out loud I was hoping the charges were for Littlefinger, but I was keeping the option open of Arya just killing her sister at this point. I was very excited that the writers chose to actually give Sansa some brains this time around and indeed charge Littlefinger with treason and murder. Arya takes Littlefinger’s knife and slashes his throat, much to the approval of everyone in the room and at home on the couch. Now the sister’s wait for Jon to arrive with Dany.

At King’s Landing, every main character besides Arya and Sansa meet at the old Dragon pits. The Hound confronts his brother, The Mountain, and essentially let’s him know that he is eventually looking forward to killing him. No Cleganebowl yet guys. Soon.

Dany shows up on her dragon, which doesn’t seem to phase Cersei at all (love that bitch sometimes), and she seems utterly bored by the entire ordeal until they throw a white walker in her face. Then she’s like, ‘oh my unborn incest child might be in trouble!’, really solidifying the fact that she is an insanely selfish and terrible leader. Euron Greyjoy nopes out the second he sees the white walker, taking his fleet with him, and Cersei agrees to help fight the dead only if Jon refuses to bend the knee to Dany. Jon makes the best decision he can in regards to which decision will get him laid. He tells Cersei he can’t serve two queens and she gets up without making a deal and walks away.

Tyrion goes to right Jon’s mess, facing Cersei alone. They talk and she eventually agrees to help them fight the dead. Oh how simple and lovely! Like anyone believed that for a second at home on the couch, while everyone on screen believed it like Cersei is the most selfless person ever. Jamie prepares the Lannister army, but Cersei interrupts and tells him not to. She is going to keep everyone here and let Dany take care of the dead. She says that she has the Iron Bank behind her and the Golden Company will join them. Euron didn’t actually take off due to fright, he went to go pick up the army. Love that Cersei always has a plan, even when it’s insane. Jamie thinks she’s really lost her mind now (wow, finally), and goes to leave. Cersei threatens the Mountain on him, but Jamie knows she could never kill him. He makes it out of King’s Landing presumably to meet up with Brienne and the gang.

Sam shows up in Winterfell to talk to Jon, but instead gets Bran. Good old Sam is all smiles and kindness even when faced with the insanity that is now 3EB. Bran tells Sam that Jon is actually the bastard son of Lyanna Stark and Dany’s brother, Rhaegar Targaryen. Sam is says that actually he’s the legit son because he remembers everything, including last episode when Gilly was talking mad boring shit about Rhaegar’s annulment so he could marry Lyanna. Thanks for spelling out out nice and neat in case there was any doubt, writers. Also his real name is Aegon Targaryen.

Bran dubs him the true heir to the Iron Throne, and I’d normally be concerned about how Dany is going to take that, but she is taking him, I mean it, juuuuuussssstttt fine as the two get it the fuck on, while Tyrion strangely observes the entire thing from behind a door. Also, let’s take a moment to reflect on Kit Harrington’s amazing butt. Dany says she can’t get pregnant, but I bet Jon’s sperm will have something to say about that. So if Cersei is pregnant and Dany is pregnant does that mean we will have two baby’s born of incest in the near future? How is one good and the other is bad? The excuse of “this is just how the Targaryens do it” isn’t going to keep being a valid thing people say.

Insert some stuff about Theon beating a man to death to get the men loyal to Yara to go save her:

The episode ends at the Wall, where Tormund is keeping watch (hope he’s okay!) as the Army of the Dead finally makes it to the edge. The ice dragon shows up, and the Night King rides him along the wall, having the dragon shoot blue flames at the wall of ice, breaking it down completely. The episode ends with the wall crumbling and the army walking past it. Shti is going down for the final season of Game of Thrones, out sometime next year.

Hope you’ll join me then!

In the meantime, check Cinemabysmal Radio’s THREE podcasts, and check back on the site regularly for awesome movie and tv reviews.

Best quotes this week:

Sansa: When the snows fall and the white winds blow the lone wolf ies, but the pack survives.
Bran: Jon is Aegon targaryen. The rightful heir of the Iron Throne.
Brienne: Fuck honor and oaths.

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E06: BEYOND THE WALL

A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Six: Beyond the Wall

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

Next week’s Recap episode will be a day late! Look for it next Monday night. In a way that’s good though? Makes us a day closer to season eight!

Arya and Sansa are fighting again. Instead of…I don’t know…talking to each other? Littlefinger has it all worked out and manipulates Arya into a fight with Sansa over her loyalty to her family. Sansa consults in Littlefinger who suggests that Sansa involve Brienne who swore loyalty to Catelyn Stark to protect her daughters…even from each other. Instead, Sansa sends Brienne to King’s Landing in her stead. Apparently Cersei invited Sansa down to ‘talk’ and she makes Brienne go instead. Not sure how any of this helps Sansa….or Arya….or Littlefinger. Even Brienne looks confused AF and I don’t believe for a second that Cersei would invite Sansa anywhere because she would bore Cersei to death. So something is up.

Sansa goes snooping in Arya’s room and finds her dead people masks. Arya essentially threatens her. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? The character development for Arya here doesn’t make sense. Either Sansa and Arya are actually in alliance (although the evidence against this is becoming overwhelming) or all that training Arya did doesn’t make her see she is falling into Littlefinger’s trap. And Sansa has become this crazy power hungry nightmare? I hate them both right now. The other option is that Arya has already killed Littlefinger and is pretending to be him. Which would be kind of insane.

Tyrion tries to consult Dany, but he goes about it in entirely the wrong way. The conversations starts civilly discussing how to meet with Cersei if she accepts the invitation. Tyrion teases Dany about her obvious boner for Jon. Then he brings up the idea of her successor to the throne if Dany dies. WHY TYRION. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SMARTER THAN THIS. First this dip shit plan with Cersei and trusting Jaime and now THIS. Come on dude. Dany leaves the meeting unhappy with her Hand and the audience leaves it unhappy with him as well.

North of the wall, hilarious conversation ensues with The Hound and Tormund discussing Brienne. Tormund talks about the strong children they’re going to have together and The Hound remembers fighting her. Gendry is cold and whiny and The Hound makes fun of him for it. Jon and Jorah discuss the sword Jorah’s father gave Jon. Jon tries to give it back, but Jorah lets him have it. Through the snow, they see two blue eyes and it turns out to be a giant white walker polar bear. They kill it with fire, but not before The Hound is horrified (mostly by the fire) and a few no name people with them die from it.

They happen upon a small group of White Walkers and manage to kill all but one. They trap it but not before being overrun by a huge group of White Walkers. They kill the main white walker and somehow it kills all the other ones. So that’s helpful information to know. They make it to the middle of a lake that the Walkers don’t’ want to cross because it’s half frozen. Gendry makes it away to the Wall to send a raven to Dany for help. Tyrion advises that it’s too risky, but Dany wants some of that hot Jon Snow ass and refuses to let him die. Eventually a battle ensues and just when things start to look bad, Dany shows up with her Dragons.

The main White Walker, The Night King, takes one of his ice spears and kills one of the dragons, as it falls into the icy lake. Dany is horrified and manages to get everyone out alive except Jon. Beric, The Hound, and Jorah take their White Walker prisoner and get on the Dragon with Dany as she exits with her two remaining dragons. Jon is left behind and it looks like he’s going to die when his Uncle Benjen shows up and distracts the Walkers, giving Jon his horse to ride back to the wall (again, weird, but it’s such a strange plot point I’m gonna gloss over it). Dany watches him arrive with a full on lady boner.

Later, Jon awakes and Dany is hanging out lookin’ at him naked (essentially). She sees his death scars from the stabbings he took. Jon calls her ‘Dany’ and she doesn’t like that (too bad Imma keep doing it, maybe you should try having an easier name to spell). Jon says, ‘How about ‘My Queen’ then?” And she splooshes everywhere. They hold hands for a bit, very risque, and essentially solidify their ever growing love.

Oh, and remember that dead polar bear? Remember how animals can become White Walkers? REMEMBER. The last scene we are left with is the Night King, dragging the dragon’s body out of the frozen lake and, you guessed it, now we have A DRAGON WHITE WALKER WHAT. So….does it breathe ice? This is A Song of Ice and Fire guys!

Best quotes this week:

Gendry: How do you keep your balls from freezing off?

Tormund: You gotta keep moving. That’s the secret. Walkin’s good, fighting’s better, fucking’s best.

Dany: Jon Snow’s not in love with me

Tyrion: Oh, my mistake. I suppose he stares at you longingly because he’s hopeful for a successful military alliance.

Beric: We’ll meet again Clegane.

Hound: I fucking hope not.

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E05: EASTWATCH

A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Five: Eastwatch

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

Okay first off, don’t name an episode Eastwatch, tell us a great battle is going to take place there via the flames The Hound sees, and then not give us a big battle at Eastwatch. Also, let’s assume that this episode takes place over several months because holy shit there is a lot of time traveling of characters here.

Jaime and Bron survive the dragon attack, yippie. Jamie heads back to King’s Landing and he wants to convince Cersei to surrender after realizing that Daenerys has THREE dragons and he just saw the damage one could do. He heads back to King’s Landing to tell Cersei that they can’t win, but she’s in so over her head at this point giving up would actually be the crazy thing to do. The best bit of this scene is Jaime telling Cersei that Olenna killed Joffrey. The classic stone cold bitch face Cersei gave was epic.

At the remnants of the battle, Lannister men are left to bend the knee or be killed. Sam Tarly’s father and his brother refuse, so Dany burns them alive. Quickly, the rest bend the knee. Tyrion and Varys aren’t sure that was the right move on her part, but I think it was and I agree with it. Sam’s dad is a dick anyway, and now Sam’s officially Lord of The Reach so that worked out.

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Back in Old Town, Slughorn doesn’t want to tell Sam that his brother and Dad are dead, and Sam bounces out of Old Town with Gilly and little Sam and fuck ton of stolen books about White Walkers before he can. Sam is tired of the Maesters not listening to him about the Army of the Dead dangers so he peaces out. Also, he seems to not be able to stand another conversation with Gilly, who has learned to read, and is full of nonsense facts. Oh, except for the fact that she finds out that Rhaegar and Lyanna’s marriage was in fact legal because Rhaegar was granted an annulment to his previous marriage from a maester. Kind of a big deal. PAY ATTENTION SAM.

Bran (3EB) takes over the body of a raven to fly beyond Eastwatch. He see’s the army of the dead. Spoiler: it’s a lot of people. The only thing that’s going to kill them at this point is lots of dragon fire. Lots of it. 3EB has Sansa send a message to Jon about what he has seen.

Dany flies back to Dragonstone, landing in front of Jon hoping to impress him with her dragon. Amazingly, Drogon (who by the way has survived the spear in the side) lets Jon touch him. It’s that Targaryen blood baby! Dany is more than a little turned on.

They go inside and Jon gets Sansa’s letter (he takes a moment to be happy that Arya is alive, yay!). Jon says he has to leave and fight the White Walkers. Dany is reluctant to lend help because the second she heads North, Cersei will take the country over. Tyrion thinks that if they can bring back one soldier from the Army of the Dead, then she will create some sort of truce to let Dany fight them and maybe surrender in turn? I’m sorry, have you met Cersei? That bitch isn’t surrendering to ANYONE. She would rather watch an Army of the Dead burn the entire world down than do that. Come on you guys. This is kind of a worthless mission. Tyrion says that the only person Cersei listens to is Jaime and if he can get Jaime to convince Cersei to agree to have them bring a White Walker in, all their problems will be solved. Right. Okay.

In more bad news at Winterfell, Arya thinks she is being sneaky and tailing Petyr. She finds a scroll he has hidden and it looks like it’s from Sansa to Robb. The letter that Cersei forced her to write telling Robb to bend the knee a long ass time ago. Not sure what Arya makes of this information, but she’s onto Littlefinger. Oh except Littlefinger is playing her like a fucking fiddle. He planted the evidence and watches her find it. He is trying to create a rift between the sisters and my anxiety about this is HIGH. SUPER HIGH. Arya already confronted Sansa earlier saying that she sees Sansa is hoping Jon won’t come back and that she will get to stay Lady of Winterfell. THIS IS NOT GOOD.

Davos takes Tyrion to King’s Landing (everyone is traveling A LOT right now, VERY quickly so just ignore that otherwise the entire thing will drive you crazy). Tyrion gets Bronn to set up a meeting in the Catacombs with Jaime while Tyrion tells him his plan. Tyrion tells Jaime that Dany will win the war, but she’s willing to suspend hostilities if Cersei will let them bring a dead/alive zombie thing to her. WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? Jaime goes up to tell Cersei about the meeting but she already knows about it (oh snap). Jaime tells Cersei about the dead men and the armistice, but Cersei just laughs and tells Jaime that she’s pregnant with his baby so now they need to fight for the baby. Jaime for some reason is charmed by this and seems to concede with Cersei who says that he better never betray her again. Davos goes to find good old Gentry Water’s, Robert Baratheon’s bastard son who he last saw rowing away after he helped him escape the Red Woman. Gendry’s weapon of choice is a giant hammer and he kills two Lannisters on the way out of town with Davos and Tyrion in tow.

At Dragonstone, Jorah shows up and is super friendzoned again. Once he sees his new competition in Jon he sadly gives up once more. Dany doesn’t want Jon to go, but doesn’t say it out loud. It’s just super obvious. Even Tyrion sees it. Jon kind of is into it but he’s too busy brooding about White Walkers so he takes off with Jorah, Davos, and Gendry to Eastwatch.They are going to kidnap a White Walker to convince Cersei (good luck with that!) to stop fighting for a bit while they save Westeros from an Army of the Dead. Jon and Gendry meet and bromance it up, thrilled to meet each other since they knew each other’s father’s. Gendry essentially is like, “Hey bro we’re both bastards, our dads are both dead, let’s be best friends and kill some White Walkers”. At Eastwatch, Jon, Thoros, Bedric, The Hound, Tormund, Gendry, Davos and Jorah all go beyond the wall to get themselves a zombie. It’s a pretty impressive group actually and they might just have a shot.

Best quotes this week:

Davos: Bad things are coming

Gendry: You came to get me. You want me to come with you

Davos: Well, the thing you need to understand is…..

Gendry: I’m ready, let’s go

Jon: If I don’t return at least you won’t have to deal with the King of the North anymore

Dany: I’ve grown used to him