Movie Reviews

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 44: The Last Days of American Crime and The Wrong Missy

Welcome to Episode 44 of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where contributors of CinemAbysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there.

This week, we talk some Netflix originals: The 0% Rotten Tomatoes rated The Last Days of American Crime, and another entry in the exhausting Happy Madison catalog, The Wrong Missy. Come listen to us gripe!

As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

Find this new episode and more on Spotify, iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher, Spreaker, and everywhere else you find podcasts! Just search for ‘Cinemabysmal’!

CinemAbysmal – The Podcast: Episode 43 – SHITTY SEQUELS: X-Men Apocalypse & Titanic II

Welcome to Episode 43 of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where contributors of CinemAbysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there.

This week, we talk really terrible sequels, including an Asylum Entertainment production of Titanic II and the end of the X-Men Universe over at Fox before Disney bought the world, Dark Phoenix, starring that awful Stark girl from Game of Thrones that nobody likes!

As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

Find this new episode and more on Spotify, iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher, Spreaker, and everywhere else you find podcasts! Just search for ‘Cinemabysmal’!

Cats (2019)

Cats (2019)

Directed by: Tom Hooper

Starring: Francesca Hayward and Taylor Swift

I have personally witnessed the chasms of eternal darkness. I have dipped my feet into colossal pools of unending madness. My own eyes are stained with what once could only be described as some half-glimpsed myth; a terror that should have perpetually imprisoned itself as a permanent fable of the future. This ghastly creature I am so carefully describing – as to not potentially disturb it, causing me any further harm – is 2019’s film adaptation of ‘Cats.’

What we are subjected to, immediately and relentlessly, is a musical world of such strange proportion and unbelievably hellish terror that can only be compared to the seediest areas of Tim Burton’s Gotham alleys, and Roger Rabbit Toontown hopelessness. It’s a wondrous hellscape of unnameable horror, and is filled with anthropomorphic furries decorated flagrantly and depressingly in an unfortunate CGI veneer just asking for the chair. And they sing. Oh, do they sing. And they do not stop singing.

I know what you’re thinking: this is a musical, isn’t it? Yes, it’s a musical. But this is a musical drenched morbidly in coats of a sticky and unfortunate series of mumbles and meandering murmurings. Spectral singing horrors dressed as wannabe high school thespians haunting hallways would be a less disturbing sight to behold. But this unrelenting group of yowling felines does not give you a chance to gather yourself in its diabolical hubris. Not for a moment.

While the music viciously pummels the audience into an attempted braindeath, the horrifying bodies of these “cats” maniacally gyrate and sway like a group of strippers attached crudely to an out of control state fair Tilt-a-Whirl. Taylor Swift’s character – and her abnormally human chest – was the first thing my girlfriend pointed out upon our seemingly decades-long release from the theater. Idris Elba spends most of the film dressed in some sort of trench coat before madly dropping it toward the conclusion, revealing a once-veiled contortion of muscle and fur that rivals any notable body horror scene in the last decade.

I don’t know what the flying fuck this movie was about. It’s a coke-fueled nightmare from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s fixation on T.S. Eliot’s fixation on housecats, and really, I kind of gave up researching right there. Actually, I had to Google whatever in the living hell a “jellicle” cat is, because that phrase is repeated more often throughout the film than any other. It’s infuriating how often this word is said without any explanation whatsoever, and to keep you from watching this historical misstep in cinema, I’m not going to explain what it is to you either.

The movie is a series of autobiographical introductions sung madly by each of the characters. I know this is simply how Broadway operates, but the cinematic counterpart just does not translate. This celluloid nightmare is relatively short in today’s Hollywood landscape. Somehow though, the film feels like a mucky, eternal task by the time the credits scroll. Someone clapped upon their merciful appearance, but I am holding out hope that this was some sort of sarcastic lambasting, or even celebratory relief.

This movie is now a thing that exists. It’s an unfortunate anomaly gliding terribly over unexplored swaths of the ocean, proudly sprinkling its dead skin upon us like flakes of expired fish food. I will not stoop to the shadowy depths of feline puns that many movie reviewers have (admittedly leading me to see this festering wound of a film), but I will say that this will be remembered for decades – a cult classic not deserving of the title. See this with caution. We do not deserve to be treated like this, but if masochism is your bag, have I got the movie for you.

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 42: Christmas Extravaganza! Mr. St Nick & Homeless for the Holidays

Welcome to Episode 42 of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where contributors of CinemAbysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there.

This week, we welcome our friend “Jersey Paul” for some REALLY bad Christmas movies, with Hallmark’s ‘Frasier Claus’ and the horrendous Christian Dramedy ‘Homeless for the Holidays.’ Shit, it was bad.

As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

Find this new episode and more on Spotify, iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher, Spreaker, and everywhere else you find podcasts! Just search for ‘Cinemabysmal’!

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 40: Troll 2 with Eric & Nadine!

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Welcome to Episode 40 of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where contributors of CinemAbysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there.

While Nick takes a creative break, Dylan and Holly welcome back Eric and Nadine to guest with us on Troll 2, the worst movie ever made. We of course also get sidetrack and talk a lot about Homeward Bound and all the VH1 shows of the early 2000s (Rock of Love, Charm School, Flavor of Love, etc.).

As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

Find this new episode and more on Spotify, iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher, Spreaker, and everywhere else you find podcasts! Just search for ‘Cinemabysmal’!

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 39: The Mermaid & Kung Fu Hustle

Welcome to Episode 39 of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where contributors of CinemAbysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there. This week, we discuss the Stephen Chow films The Mermaid and Kung Fu Hustle, and Dylan softly gripes about Dark Phoenix while Holly explains what went wrong with Game of Thrones! Check it out in our BIO! As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

Find this new episode and more on Spotify, iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher, Spreaker, and everywhere else you find podcasts!

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 38: Vampires & Werewolves!

Welcome to Episode 38 of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where contributors of CinemAbysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there. This week, we talk some really trashy horror, including Uwe Boll’s Bloodrayne and the excellently stupid Howling II! Check it out in our BIO! As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

Find this new episode and more on Spotify, iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher, Spreaker, and everywhere else you find podcasts!

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 38: Vampires & Werewolves!

Welcome to Episode 38 of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where contributors of CinemAbysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there. This week, we talk some really trashy horror, including Uwe Boll’s Bloodrayne and the excellently stupid Howling II! Check it out in our BIO! As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

Find this new episode and more on Spotify, iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher, Spreaker, and everywhere else you find podcasts!

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 34: Movies That Scared Us As Kids

Welcome to Episode 34 of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where contributors of CinemAbysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there. This week, Nick fucked up and watched Watership Down instead of The Dark Crystal, so we discussed four movies that scared us as children instead of three. By the way, they’re all still pretty fucked up. Check it out on all your favorite apps below! As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

iTunes –https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cinemabysmal/id1153464020?mt=2

SoundCloud

Google Play Music –https://play.google.com/music/m/Irjld24rxpsi22hdnugilmxh57u?t=CinemAbysmal

Stitcher https://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=128435&refid=asa

Spreaker http://www.spreaker.com/show/cinemabysmals-show

You can also find us on BeyondPod! Just search forCinemAbysmal.

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 34: Movies That Scared Us As Kids

Welcome to Episode 34 of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where contributors of CinemAbysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there. This week, Nick fucked up and watched Watership Down instead of The Dark Crystal, so we discussed four movies that scared us as children instead of three. By the way, they’re all still pretty fucked up. Check it out on all your favorite apps below! As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

iTunes –https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cinemabysmal/id1153464020?mt=2

SoundCloud

Google Play Music –https://play.google.com/music/m/Irjld24rxpsi22hdnugilmxh57u?t=CinemAbysmal

Stitcher https://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=128435&refid=asa

Spreaker http://www.spreaker.com/show/cinemabysmals-show

You can also find us on BeyondPod! Just search forCinemAbysmal.