Month: July 2017

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E03: THE QUEEN’S JUSTICE

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E03: THE QUEEN’S JUSTICE

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A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Three: The Queen’s Justice

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

When I first saw that this week’s episode was called The Queen’s Justice, I assumed that meant Daenerys’ justice. Turns out it’s Cersei’s justice, and this show can still pack some surprises.

When Daenerys and Tyrion came up with the idea of sending troops to Casterly Rock and to King’s Landing it seemed brilliant. Starve out Cersei, and destroy her home. Turns out Yara’s ships were burned, with her and Ellaria Sand and her daughter taken captive before they could reach King’s Landing. Then it turns out that the Lannister’s LET Daenerys take Casterly Rock, for now, and sent most of their troops to destroy Highgarden.

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That’s a good fucking move on the Lannister’s part. Grey Worm is stuck at Casterly Rock after the Lannister’s let him take it, but they burn all of their ships so they’re stuck. After Jaime takes Highgarden he offers Olenna some poison. After figuring out that the poison will be painless she downs that shit immediately like bad ass bitch, then tells Jaime she killed Joffrey. Fucking SAVAGE AF. In a way she gave Jaime a gift though. Jaime always felt that Tyrion didn’t kill Joffrey but he was never 100% sure. Now he knows that he let an innocent man live. There’s something to that.

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Jon Snow shows up with Davos and is like ‘hey magical mythical ice kings are coming to kill us all’ and surprisingly Daenerys doesn’t take him that seriously. They do a lot of eye fucking though and I’m confirming my prediction now that this Aunt will marry her Nephew. So what? All the Targaryen’s inbreed. Totally normal for them. In the end, Tyrion convinces Daenarys to let Jon mine dragonglass and make weapons from it. She’s gonna keep looking south (for now).

The Red Woman and Varys exchange words. Varys finds it interesting that she summoned Jon to Dragonstone, but then didn’t stay to greet him. The Red Woman doesn’t really care and leaves for Essos while telling Varys that she will be back. Apparently she has to die in Westeros and he will too. Varys doesn’t like that, but I think we are all glad to see the Red Woman go. I’m sure she’ll pop up again when we least expect her to.

Theon is saved by one of the few ships that escaped Euron. They aren’t happy that he is alive and Yara is gone and probably dead. Cersei promises to marry Euron because he brought her the gift of the woman who killed her daughter. Yara is alive and a captive of Euron’s while Cersei takes Ellaria and her daughter down to the dungeons. She kisses the daughter with the same poison Ellaria used on Myrcella. Cersei takes the antidote and tells Ellaria she can now watch her own daughter die. She’s going to make Ellaria stay down there forever with her daughter’s corpse. That’s some justice right there. I don’t agree with Cersei’s decisions on almost anything, but this shit was good. Myrcella was an innocent…and Ellaria was the worst. I approve.

The Iron bank stops by to collect its debt from the Lannisters. Cersei asks that the head of the Iron Bank stay as her guest and in a fortnight she will have his money (see the above mention of Jaime taking Highgarden aka the people who have all money).

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At Winterfell, Bran shows up and instead of a happy reunion with Sansa he brings up the night of her wedding to Ramsey, which he saw in a three eyed raven vision. Not exactly the brotherly love she was looking for, Bran. Bran says he needs to talk to Jon (about how he’s a Targaryen, essentially). Sansa is like….you sound crazy. Because he does. He’s the three eyed raven now, which means you apparently can’t tell anyone anything about what that means. Seems pretty simple to explain Bran, you see the past, present and future. Just say that and maybe don’t bring up the most traumatic night of your sister’s life. Sheesh.

Sam cures Jorah of his Grayscale and his reward is to copy old scrolls. Better than emptying chamber pots. Jorah goes off to find his favorite Queen who has friendzoned him into the hardest farthest reaches of the friendzone.

That’s the episode. Best one of the season so far. Would love more like it!

Best quotes this week:

Messandi: You stand before Daenerys Targaryen…..[insert all 7 million titles].

Davos: This is Jon Snow…….he’s King of the North.

Next time I need a hype man to introduce me into an arena of sorts, I’m calling Davos.

 

Tyrion: She’s much smarter than she lets on [talking about Sansa]

Jon: She’s been letting on.

 

Olenna: He was really a cunt wasn’t he? I’d hate to die like your son, clawing at my neck, eyes blood red, skin purple. Must have been terrible for you. A shocking scene. Not at all what I intended. Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me.

 

Tyrion: I came down here to brood over my failure to predict the Greyjoy attack. You’re making it difficult. You look a lot better brooding than I do. You make me feel like I’m failing at brooding over failing.

 

Tyrion: A wise man once said that you should never believe things simply because you want to believe it.

Daenerys: Which wise man said this?

Tyrion: I don’t remember.

Daenerys: Are you trying to present your own statements as ancient wisdom?

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THE OC SUNDAYS – VOLUME FOURTEEN: S01: E14 – THE COUNTDOWN

THE OC SUNDAYS – VOLUME FOURTEEN: S01: E14 – THE COUNTDOWN

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The O.C. Sundays – Volume Fourteen – Season One: Episode Fourteen – The Countdown

Recap by Holly Hill

Why Rewatch The O.C.?

The O.C. premiered on August 5, 2003 and ended on February 22, 2007. Or May 18, 2006 if you like to pretend that the fourth season never happened (a lot of people do, it’s okay). The O.C. not only introduced a lot of people to some fantastic music through its heavily bought mix tapes (this is before YouTube, Spotify, & Apple Music), it also created Chrismukkah, and inspired a decades worth of ‘THE REAL’ reality shows.

Not sure what I mean by that? Well The O.C. prompted the reality show Laguna Beach: The Real O.C., and a thousand other spinoffs to it. The catch phrase ‘The Real O.C.’ morphed into The Real Housewives of fill in the blank rich people cities.

Needless to say, despite its shortcomings, The O.C. had some great writing, a fantastic soundtrack, and truly inspired a generation worth of TV, for better or worse. The O.C. is the only TV show I own on box set. I haven’t watched it in awhile, so why don’t we watch it together? Whether you’re new to The O.C. (you can stream it on Hulu) or a long time fan, it’s a show anyone with a love for the dramatic can enjoy.

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Recap:

Now that Marissa is in therapy, Ryan is under the impression that everything is normal and fine now. Oh Ryan, you poor delusional man. Nothing is ever okay when you’re dating Marissa Cooper. They decide to stay in for New Years (It’s almost 2004, yo!), and Ryan ends the night with a oopsie.

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Marissa: “Uh…you’re welcome?”

Ryan goes back to the pool house to find a half naked women he’s never seen before who demands to know who he is. She tells him that this is her pool house and he says actually it’s his. Ryan guesses that she is Kirsten’s younger sister Hailey. Hailey says Kirsten doesn’t know she’s here and they’ll sort it out in the morning, but for now Ryan can sleep on the couch.

In the morning, Seth finds Ryan on the couch and he tells him Hailey is here. Seth is thrilled and goes to ask his parents in kitchen where Hailey is.

Kirsten: “I don’t know, Thailand, Morocco?”

Sandy: “I think she’s planting trees in Tacoma.”

Kirsten: “Costa Rica building churches.”

Sandy: “I think that was Nicaragua and they were hospitals.”

Seth: “She’s in the pool house.”

Once Ryan comes in from the couch Kirsten realizes they’re not joking she starts to wonder why Hailey would be here. Sandy says she’s run out of money. Hailey then enters in her underwear.

Seth: “Aunt Hailey! Later when you’re dressed, we’ll hug.”

Seth gives Hailey his robe and Kirsten and Sandy leave to go make up the guest bedroom. Hailey asks what their New Year’s Eve plans are and Seth says he’s going to do whatever Ryan and Marissa do. Ryan says that he and Marissa might not be doing much because he said Thank You to her I Love You. Seth says it looks like they’ll all be staying in.

Back at therapy, Marissa and Oliver chat again in the waiting room. He tells her he’s having a party tonight where he lives in the Four Seasons penthouse. Okay. That’s reason number three not to trust Oliver. Marissa doesn’t seem bothered by any of this though. She says her and her boyfriend Ryan might show up. Oliver says that his girlfriend Natalie will be there too. Uh-huh.

Kirsten is trying to find out why Hailey is back other than money. Hailey says she was going to call their Dad, Caleb, and let him know soon. Kirsten says she has two weeks to do so because that’s when he gets back from Paris….with Julie Cooper. Hailey is floored that her father would date her and asks what’s going with Jimmy Cooper then. Kirsten says they’re getting a divorce. Hailey tells Kirsten about a party that her and Sandy should go to since they are clearly a very boring married couple.

Marissa asks Ryan to go to the party to which he is clearly not interested. He asks who Oliver is, and she says a guy from therapy. Red flag number 1,000. Marissa says she is going to the party, and Ryan says he is not. Kirsten and Sandy are off to their dinner and then the party that Hailey suggested. They ask if they need anything before they go.

Seth: “Ryan needs a tear in the space-time continuum so he can go and back and say ‘I love you’ to Marissa.”

Hailey shoves them out the door and says she doesn’t expect them before 2:00am. She comes back in and can’t believe Ryan and Seth aren’t dressed to go out. They say they aren’t going out. Hailey convinces them to go to Oliver’s party by convincing Ryan that if he doesn’t go Marissa will end up kissing Oliver at midnight. As they’re getting ready to leave a bunch of Hailey’s friends come in the door for the party she’s throwing….at the house.

Ryan feels like he can’t leave now, and Seth says he’s not going to be the one to tell his Aunt she can’t have a party. It’s embarrassing. Seth says he’ll stick around and make sure nothing too damaging breaks and Ryan should go after Marissa. He instead goes to confront Hailey who is being yelled at in a room by a friend who says she owes her three grand. Ryan threatens to call the cops and Hailey locks Ryan and Seth inside the pool house. Seth starts breathing through a bag and Ryan starts imagining Oliver making out with Marissa. Seth asks Ryan why he didn’t say I love you. He says he’s never said it before, but he definitely does love Marissa (WHY?).

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Marissa brings Summer to the party and Anna is also there. Anna says her parents are friends with the parents of the guy who’s throwing this party. Marissa asks if she knows Oliver. She doesn’t. Ooookay then. Oliver shows up and takes Marissa to show her around. Anna asks if Summer knows where Seth is. She says she doesn’t know.

In the car, Kirsten asks Sandy if they’re in a rut, an idea she clearly got from her sister. She asks Sandy if they need to take more chances and he thinks they do and he starts defying the GPS lady. She tells him to go left, he goes right. Kirsten tells him to stop and just listen to the GPS lady.

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Kirsten suggests they skip dinner and just go to the party that Hailey suggested. Just to be spontaneous!

Oliver says his parents actually own a bunch of hotels, which is why they are having the party here. He and Marissa flirt over the word ‘mojito’ and they drink virgin drinks. They are super boring and weird. Oliver says he’s clean and sober for 11 months now. He asks where Ryan is and she says he’s not coming. She asks where Natalie is and he says she isn’t here. Oliver says it’s a long-distance relationship. They make a toast to each other’s significant others.

Hailey comes into the pool house and asks for Ryan and Seth’s help to get rid of a girl who’s going to tear the place apart if she doesn’t get money from Hailey. Ryan says he’ll help shut the party down and Seth agrees because it’s already what he does best. Ryan takes off to hopefully beat the clock and kiss Marissa before midnight.

Anna and Summer are sitting on a couch and a guy nods over at them. They nod back then wonder who he was actually nodding at.

They can’t figure out who he is interested in, so they both go up to the guy and make him choose between them. A great metaphor for Seth. Anna says she’s going to go and Summer stays to hang out with the guy.

Kirsten and Sandy show up to the party and they slowly realize it’s a swinger’s party. Kirsten still thinks they’re in a rut, and Sandy puts his watch in the bowl to prove to Kirsten they can be fun. She looks mad about it even though she essentially dared him to put his watch in the bowl. Sandy and Kirsten wait as everyone draws watches and suddenly they’re the last two left. Sandy reveals he never put his watch in the bowl and they head home.

The house is a disaster. Hailey says she’ll clean up, Seth goes to take out the garbage. Sandy opens up the door to find his bedroom is occupied…a little homage to Seth in the first episode.

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Kirsten and Hailey fight.

Kirsten: “Your whole life is dedicated to having fun….but are you even having any?”

Hailey storms off into the pool house without cleaning up the house. Nice.

Seth goes to take the garbage out and finds Anna in his driveway. She says she didn’t want to be alone on New Years. They decide to hang out.

Ryan arrives at the Four Seasons with only 3 minutes to spare. The elevators are taking forever so he books it up the stairs all the way to the penthouse. He almost doesn’t make it and it looks as if Oliver and Marissa are nearly about to kiss for some reason. The countdown starts just as Ryan makes it inside. Marissa see’s him at the last moment, shoves Oliver aside and her and Ryan adorably kiss. He pulls back and tells her he loves her. Marissa says thank you. Classy girl!

Oliver makes out with no one. Sandy and Kirsten change the sheets on their bed to make out. Anna and Seth make out in his bedroom. Ryan and Marissa make out. Summer makes out with the guy at the party before pushing him off her and telling him he’s not Seth Cohen. Oh Summer, you poor dear.

Best Song of the Episode:

“Dice” by Finley Quaye

Best Quote:

Hailey: “That was last year, Kiki.”

Kirsten: “Don’t call me Kiki, only Dad calls me Kiki and only because he won’t not.”

Number of Non-White People with Actual Lines in This Episode:

ZERO. Nice job OC.

Weird 2003 thing:

When Marissa says it’s the last day of 2003. Weird. Guess this category gets updated next week!

Summer: “Seth Cohen is so 2003.”

Also so many mentions of Carson Daily in this episode as he used to to do the midnight ball drop thang on tv around this time.

Best Fashion Statement:

All dat GLITTER

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Obvious Reasons to NOT trust Oliver Trask:

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  1. He knows who you are even though you have no friend or places in common
  2. He knows your medical history
  3. He lives in a hotel
  4. Anna says her parents know the parents of the guy who’s throwing the party, but she doesn’t know who Oliver is.
  5. He says his girlfriend lives long-distance so you’ll probably never get to meet her. Super convenient.
  6. He give you ‘come make out with me’ eyes on new years even though he knows you have a boyfriend.

Ed Wood Jesus Do? – KUSO

New Column Time – As you may know, our cult film podcast, Ed Wood Jesus Do?, has been unleashed upon the world, and though in great length we will dissecting films through an audio format, there are films too important not to discuss here.  So welcome to Ed Wood Jesus Do? The Column! (THE N IS SILENT, MOTHERFUCKERS!) These will be less reviews and more explorations of what works and why you should see them. 

Film: KUSO (2017)

Directed by Steve, or Steve Ellison, or Flying Lotus. Written by Steve Ellison, David Firth, and Zack Fox. Follow them on Twitter or whatever. 

Available Exclusively on Shudder

this shit is written by eric

Good gravy! That’s all I can say directly after seeing the 2017 horror film, KUSO. I don’t even have time to replay the events in my mind or to even find a suitable through-line to make everything digestible. I am going from the gut on this motherfucker and the gut is telling me that KUSO is the greatest film to ever be created by Earthlings. I am not 100% certain these Earthlings exist on our temporal-spatial plane, and in fact, this is the Citizen Kane of a dimension in which films are strange, and linger in parts of your brain not connected to logic or consciousness. So maybe us.

KUSO is the first film directed by Steve Ellison, otherwise known as Flying Lotus. If you have not heard of him, I am sure by the name, you can easily pick up what he is putting down. This film follows four chaotic vignettes in a post-earthquake, surrealist LA. It was co-written by David Firth, creator of the legendary YouTube creep hype toon, Salad Fingers. The film is strange, deep in its shallowness with a depth that is shallow in and of itself. There are CGI breasts and even a psychotropic healer named Mr. Quibbles living inside George Clinton’s asshole. It also features Adult Swim and Comedy Central alums such as Hannibal Burress, Tim Heidecker, Anders Holm, and Donnell Rawlings. It is intense, scary, gross, and fucking awesome.

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Let’s stop there. This isn’t just a weird film. That’s right, we’re about to get real in here. Flying Lotus’ filmmaking is a lot like his rap. He riddles the listener with absurd lines and awkward sounds, but behind all the ugly surrealism and the offensiveness meant to shock, there is real fucking talent. This film feels like the marriage of the absurdist humor of Tim and Eric with the ultra-violent visions of Takashi Miike. It is as important to cinema in 2017 as Eraserhead was in 1977. Every shot of a little person rubbing his own feces all over a sticky xenomorphesque pod in the woods is bookended by magical scenes that instantly develop the tone in much the same way Apichatpong Weerasethakul established his in the astounding Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall his Past Lives. There is a melding of obtuse CGI imagery with Troma-style practical effects. A lesser artist would have left you feeling lost inside, but Mr. Lotus creates a world that doesn’t give a fuck about how cohesive it looks. As much as this film may be dismissed as kissing the ass of Bunuel, it must be remembered much of the beauty of the famed Spanish surrealist was incorporated to allow subversive thought to become more easily digestible. KUSO is subversive thought wrapped in a fucking tortilla shell of subversive style. In other words, just like Flying Lotus.

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For now, the real question is: “How the fuck am I supposed to return to my life? What am I supposed to do with the vivid imagery of someone repeatedly stabbing the head of an erect penis with an ice pick?” My guess is that I need to watch it again to try and make sense of it. And when I can’t, I’ll tell someone else to watch it, and you should too. Tell your high friends to watch it; dissect it in between bitter bong hits. Tell your church friends to watch it and that God exists and He created a masterpiece about two fuzzy creatures who perform abortions like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat; “Get over here!” “Fatality!” “Toasty!” Tell your mother to fuck off, she probably won’t like this film.

The film enters with Busdriver, one of my all-time favorite lords of Hip-Hop, doing a majestic spoken word piece. He only returns post-credit with another melodic monologue, a sigh of relief, a bit of beautiful levity to let us know that though the world is absurd, we live in it, and will continue to live in it. “So skin me alive. I survived, and I can barely believe it; quake,” he says in the last line of his soliloquy. “So skin me alive. I survived, and I can barely believe it; quake.” And with that, we get the most profound statement of this film, and possibly our lives.

 

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 13: Cool as Ice and Airborne!

Welcome to the 13th episode of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where the three writers of cinemabysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there. This week, we discuss 90s classics Cool as Ice, starring none other than Vanilla Ice and Airborne, which features Seth Green and Jack Black. Check it out on all your favorite apps below! As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

iTunes – https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cinemabysmal/id1153464020?mt=2

Google Play Music –https://play.google.com/music/m/Irjld24rxpsi22hdnugilmxh57u?t=CinemAbysmal

SoundCloud – Listen to 13 – Cool As Ice & Airborne by CinemAbysmal #np on #SoundCloud

https://soundcloud.com/cinemabysmal/13-cool-as-ice-airborne

Stitcher – https://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=128435&refid=asa

Spreaker – http://www.spreaker.com/show/cinemabysmals-show

You can also find us on BeyondPod! Just search for CinemAbysmal.

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E02: STORMBORN

A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E02: STORMBORN

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A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Two: Stormborn

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

At Dragonstone, Daenerys is with her advisers, Varys and Tyrion. She questions Vary’s loyalty and who he has served since her birth. The answer is a lot of people, but Varys isn’t dumb. He answers all her questions perfectly, even going as far to say that he serves the people of Westeros above all. Dany makes him promise that if she is failing the people at any moment, he tell her to her face rather than conspire behind her back. Oh, and if she finds out he has conspired against her from here on out, she will burn him alive. Nice touch.

The red woman, Melisandre shows up, riding down from the North where she was banished by Jon for burning a small child alive. Let’s not forget that. Dany asks what Melisandre’s Lord of Light expects from her. Melisandre repeats her ‘the prince that was promised will bring the dawn” bullshit. Dany says she can’t help her because she’s not a prince, but Missandei interprets and says that in High Valyrian the translation of prince is a noun that can mean prince or princess so really she qualifies, and we all know the red woman is dying to blindly worship someone again. She says that Dany has a role to play in the war to come and so does Jon Snow, the King in the North. Tyrion perks up at this, remembering how he and Jon left on good terms at the wall in the first season. He trusts Jon’s judgement and since the Red Woman is insinuating that he has some crazy news to share they invite him to bend the knee and share it. Dany agrees. Omgz come meet your future wife, Jon.

In Westeros, Jon, Davos and Sansa read the letter from Tyrion. Sansa says (as his kind of still maybe wife?) that Tyrion isn’t like the other Lannisters. He was always kind to her. However, they agree that it’s too dangerous to go meet Dany, but they do agree that if the army of the dead makes it past the wall they don’t have enough men to fight them.Jon gets his raven from Sam and repeat the news to his lords that Sam knows Dragonglass exists beneath Dragonstone, but they have to trust Tyrion. Jon says he’s going to go meet with Dany. They need the dragonglass in order to defeat the wights. Sansa says it’s a trap, but Jon doesn’t believe that Tyrion would lie to him. The men agree with Sansa and they all insist he stays. Jon says none of them have seen the army of the dead and he says they need allies even if it is a risk and he will leave Sansa as head of the north while he is gone. No one complains about that much. Jon goes down to the crypt where Petyr (thrilled that Sansa is now in charge, puke), finds him. Petyr says he loves Sansa just as he loved Catlyn. Jon chokes him up against a wall and says if he touches Sansa he will kill him. Kind of lovin’ it over here. Now if only Sansa is smart enough to trust in Jon while he is gone and make good decisions. Please dear lordy.

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Cersei makes big speech to the handful of lords who are still ‘loyal’ to her (read loyal: afraid she will burn them all to the ground with wildfire). She makes of lot of propaganda claims that the Dothraki are savage and Dany will destroy the seven realms as they know it (is that so bad? The seven realms kind of suck right now). Randyll Tarly (Sam’s Dad) shows up to hear what Cersei has to say, but he’s not buying it. Jamie, to the disappointment of many, pulls him aside and insists that he help out, because if he professes his loyalty to Cersei the rest of the noblemen will. With the Sandsnakes and all of Dorne backing Dany as well as the Tyrells, Cersei is desperate for people to be loyal to her. The fact that after everything Jamie has been through, he is backing Cersei still is completely frustrating. It’s also something I feel like book Jamie would never do.

Qyburn, Cersei’s insane crazy doctor surgeon wizard thing (now hand of the queen), leads Cersei down to the crypt to see the skulls of the dragons that Aegon rode across the sea to bring the seven kingdoms to his rule. Quburn says that the dragons aren’t invincible. He’s had word that one of Dany’s dragons were wounded by spears in the fighting pits in Mereen. He thinks if they can be wounded they can be killed. He reveals a crossbow that his fucking huge, that they blacksmiths of King’s Landing have been forging day and night. It certainly looks big enough to slay a dragon and Cersei pulls the lever, which slams into the skeleton skull of the dragon in the crypt, proving his point.

Back in Dragonstone, Yara Greyjoy tells Dany to hurry up and take the Iron Throne. She suggest that with all of their weapons and dragons they can take King’s Landing in a day. The Sandsnake agrees, even though the casualties will be high, she sees the people as collateral in the war for the throne. Tyrion tells her that they don’t poison little girls here, remembering his fondness for his niece Myrcella, facing the woman who killed her. Dany says she’s not here to be Queen of the Ashes and Olenna Tyrell agrees to a point. She remembers that Margaery was loved and now she’s ashes. Pause for a moment and take in that three women are offering advice to another woman as their Queen. This is the kind of progressive shit I love in Game of Thrones.

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Dany takes in their advice, but she says they will not attack King’s Landing, they will lay siege to the capital surrounding it on all sides. They will starve them out of King’s Landing, and they won’t use Dothraki and Unsullied, they will use Westerosi army. Meanwhile the Dothraki will go to Casterly Rock and take it, effectively taking the Lannister’s seat of power. The three women agree and holy fuck women rule. Dany asks to talk to Olenna alone, she says that she knows she’s just there for revenge, but Dany promises peace. Olenna says that she’s ignored most clever men in her life and she’s outlives them all (read Tyrion) and that since Dany is a dragon she shouldn’t be afraid to act like one.

Missandei knows Greyworm is leaving for Casterly Rock tomorrow and is upset he didn’t come to say goodbye to her. He says it’s hard to say goodbye to her because she is his weakness. He says when he was an unsullied child they would use his fears against him. He says because of her he now has fear and they quickly and finally make out and the award for first boobs of the season go to Missandei. Props.

Sam is in the Citadel watching Jorah get his Greyscale examined. The maester says they should have cut off his arm the moment he was touched. Jorah wants to know how long and the maester says 10-20 before it kills him, but only 6 months before he loses his mind. Meanwhile, in the regular section of the library, Professor Slughorn is using Sam as a book cart. Sam tells him that he knows of two recorded cases where advance Greyscale has been cured. Slughorn says that the procedure he speaks of is too dangerous, which is why it’s now forbidden. Jorah is in his prison writing what I can only guess is a suicide letter to Daenerys when Sam comes in with all the things he may need for a surgery. Sam says that he knew Jorah’s father because he met him when he was serving as Night’s Watch where he went after he was exiled as a knight and came to be commander. For those who don’t remember he was killed in the mutiny at Craster’s keep. Sam gives Jorah some rum and tell his to drink it all because what he’s about to do is going to hurt. He proceeds to peel the entire first layer of greyscale off of Jorah. Holy fuck it looks like a bitch.

Cut to a scene of a man in a pub biting into a meat pie that looks a lot like Jorah’s skin. I swear to the Seven, they want us to puke every episode. Arya is nearby these two listening in in and gathering information on Cersei and what’s going on at King’s Landing. Fat shit, Hot Pie shows up as he is working in the pub and asks what’s happened to her. She answers so clinically it’s almost hard to see the Arya we all love. Is she so blinded by revenge at this point? She seems so set on her destination to King’s Landing that we finally see a crack in her revenge armor as Hot Pie informs her that Jon and Sansa have taken Winterfell. We see her exit and instead of following the men to King’s Landing she heads toward Winterfell. MY HEART CANNOT TAKE IT. She rides and makes camp later in the day but the horse is agitated so she pulls out needle and suddenly they are surrounded by wolves.Then the biggest wolf of them all comes in and HOLY FUCK IT’S NYMERIA. ARYAS FUCKING DIREWOLF IS BACK. Arya tries to get Nymeria to come with her, but the direwolf goes and takes her pack with her. It’s sad, but also HOLY FUCK NYMERIA IS ALIVE.

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The Sandsnakes are bitching in a hold in the Greyjoy’s ship. Their mother, Elia is in a room on the ship with Theon and Yara talking about the merits of Dorne. The girls flirt, and talk about how Theon will be Yara’s protector one day when she is queen. They are about to bang-o-rang when the ships come under attack. Euron Greyjoy has found them and rams his ships with theirs. Euron slams down into a ship in a strange but accurate WWE style and suddenly it’s an all out battle on board, which is a far cry from the monotony and politics of last episode. Two of the sandsnakes fight Euron and unlike their book counterparts (who would have won) they die. Yara finds Euron and they duke it out. It looks like he’s going to win when Theon finds Euron with his dagger to Yara’s throat. Theon almost becomes a hero but instead he jumps overboard like a little bitch. I only hope that he follows the ship they’ve taken Yara on and comes back as a hero. It’s so disappointing to see that he can’t get past what was done to him (then again, who can blame him?).

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Best quotes this week:

  • “You wish to know where my true loyalties lie? Not to any Queen or King, but with the people. The people who suffer under despots and prosper under just rule. The people whose hearts you aim to win. If you demand blind allegiance I respect your wishes. But if you let me live I will serve you well. I will dedicate myself to seeing you on the iron throne because I choose you. Because I know the people have no better chance than you.” Varys
  • I”m heading north, Girl. Back to winterfell. I’m finally going home. Come with me.” – Arya

Let’s not forget this gem:

Arya: This is good

Hot Pie: Do you think so? The secret is browning the butter before making the dough.

Arya: Mm, I didn’t do that.

Hot Pie: You been making pies?

Arya: One or two

Side note: She’s referring to the human pie of Walder Frey’s son’s that she made him eat before killing him. Bitch is stone cold.

THE OC SUNDAYS – VOLUME THIRTEEN: S01: E13 – THE BEST CHRISMUKKAH EVER

THE OC SUNDAYS – VOLUME THIRTEEN: S01: E13 – THE BEST CHRISMUKKAH EVER

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The O.C. Sundays – Volume Eight – Season One: Episode Thirteen – The Best Chrismukkah Ever

Recap by Holly Hill

Why Rewatch The O.C.?

The O.C. premiered on August 5, 2003 and ended on February 22, 2007. Or May 18, 2006 if you like to pretend that the fourth season never happened (a lot of people do, it’s okay). The O.C. not only introduced a lot of people to some fantastic music through its heavily bought mix tapes (this is before YouTube, Spotify, & Apple Music), it also created Chrismukkah, and inspired a decades worth of ‘THE REAL’ reality shows.

Not sure what I mean by that? Well The O.C. prompted the reality show Laguna Beach: The Real O.C., and a thousand other spinoffs to it. The catch phrase ‘The Real O.C.’ morphed into The Real Housewives of fill in the blank rich people cities.

Needless to say, despite its shortcomings, The O.C. had some great writing, a fantastic soundtrack, and truly inspired a generation worth of TV, for better or worse. The O.C. is the only TV show I own on box set. I haven’t watched it in awhile, so why don’t we watch it together? Whether you’re new to The O.C. (you can stream it on Hulu) or a long time fan, it’s a show anyone with a love for the dramatic can enjoy.

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Recap:

Welcome to Chrismukkah and yes I know it’s July so just relax. We’re doing this thing six months early. Chrismukkah is one of the essential things that makes me love this show. It’s the holiday season and Ryan has never really done the holiday thing, but Seth however is a seasoned expert. Since Kirsten celebrates Christmas and Sandy celebrates Hanukkah, Seth grew up celebrating both and is kind of obsessed with the entire thing.

Seth explains: “It’s eight days of presents followed by one day of many presents.”

The next day, Seth is wrapping the same exact gifts for both Summer and Anna. Ryan says he’s going to have to choose soon, but Seth refuses to do so because that would ruin Chrismukkah. They go into the kitchen where Sandy announces that Chrismukkah is ruined.

Caleb decides he wants to bring that whole court case to trial rather than settle so Sandy and Kirsten will have to spend all week preparing for the case.

Jimmy has a job interview and Marissa tells him she wants to skip Christmas because holidays make people depressed. Jimmy asks if she’s depressed because she was supposed to go to therapy after her OD in Tijuana and that never happened, but don’t worry Marissa is due for another mental breakdown to move the plot along *whisper screams ‘OLIVER, OLIVER, OLIVER’*.

Seth and Ryan are discussing a big Christmas party that the Newport Group is throwing and how he invited both Anna and Summer but he doubts it will be an issue. Then Anna and Summer both show up at the same time asking what time the party is. Ryan gives him a ‘fucking told you so’ look. Marissa complains to Ryan about the holidays and after school they go to the mall to shop for Christmas gifts. Insert random mall shopping montage.

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Marissa says she can’t afford anything at the mall and they leave. Then she gets caught in the parking lot for shoplifting and Ryan looks betrayed about it for some reason. SHE GOT PROBLEMS YO! Or did you forget she tried to kill herself just because we didn’t talk about it for like five episodes? Julie comes over to yell at Marissa and Jimmy and basically makes everything worse. Julie schedules a therapy appointment for Marissa *whisper screams ‘OLIVER, OLIVER, OLIVER’*.

Seth asks how the mall was:

Ryan tells him about Marissa shoplifting and Seth gives Ryan a stocking with his name on it. Ryan is clearly touched and it clearly made me cry like a baby.

Kirsten goes to visit Caleb and tell him she’s taking a Christmas vacation and she’s not going to help him with the case for the next two weeks. She goes home and starts working because she’s very bad at not working. She finds a document in her files that concerns her. Sandy comes home for the party excited that Caleb asked for more money and his firm agreed and they settled the deal. Kirsten hands Sandy the document that concerned her earlier knowing that she will probably get fired for it. Sandy says it changes everything. They go to the party essentially to confront Caleb and have more DRAMAAAZZZ.

Anna shows up to Seth’s house and then Summer shows up. Both are peeved because they said they would all meet there and it breaks their weird Switzerland code of being completely neutral about their feelings.

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At Marissa’s, Ryan tells Marissa that he thinks the therapy is a good idea and then Marissa loses her mind about him thinking it’s a good idea because she’s insane. Ryan goes to grab Marissa’s things and she sneaks and entire bottle of liquor into her purse, which I swear the only purses she owns are ones that fit entire liquor bottles in them and nothing else. At the party, Julie and Marissa fight in between an awkward Ryan. Marissa storms off to go chug down some booze and Ryan and Julie both find common ground in their distaste for the holidays.

Sandy finds Caleb and hands over the document Kirsten gave him. It’s a geological survey that Caleb did of the heights and didn’t turn over to Sandy’s office. Apparently, the heights is seismologically unsound so the entire area isn’t insurable and worthless. Yet, he settled an agreement earlier having Sandy’s company pay him millions of dollars to not build on the property, which it turns out he wouldn’t have been able to do anyway. Sandy says he wants to buy back the heights for a dollar. Caleb has no choice but to do it and he does it very publicly in front of everyone at the party. It makes him look generous AF but Sandy is loving it anyway.

Anna gives Seth his present. It’s a comic book she drew of him and his plastic horse. It’s creative and smart and funny. Thumbs up Anna.

Seth finds Summer and she takes him into a room to give him his present, and it’s honestly (not hard) to tell which one he liked better.

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Anna walks in on them and feels like a child for making a comic book and Summer feels like ‘wonder whore’. They say they’re done playing games and Seth needs to choose one of them. He tells them both he wants to be their friend and they say they don’t want to be his friend. So he’s gotta DECIDE.

Marissa comes back from the bathroom drunk AF wanting to dance and make out with Ryan. Ryan says it ain’t cool. She passed out in her driveway and he took care of her, then in Mexico and he says it’s like his Mother all over again. Fuck Ryan. GTFO of that relationship STAT. Marissa freaks out and tries to leave, but Ryan tells her she can’t drive out of here, she gets in the car anyway and backs into someone. Ryan drives her home but apparently she can’t wait to pour up again so she opens her bottle in the car and loses the cap to her bottle so she can’t put it back in her purse.

Ryan is like WTF yo problem B. It’s the perfect time for a cop to pull them over! That broken taillight from Marissa being a terrible drunk driver has come back to haunt them. The cop almost asks Marissa to get out of the car because she looks faded to all hell. Luckily he gets a call and has to let them off with a warning. The cop leaves and Ryan gets out of the car, searches frantically for the liquor bottle at Marissa’s feet and throws it off a cliff. Then he slams the passenger door a billion times, which scares Marissa and he says good because she’s scaring him.

Fuck that’s shitty. Man I hate Marissa.

The next morning Seth tells Ryan about his night of women and Ryan tells him about Marissa’s fucked upness.

Seth: “Hey I really like Marissa, she’s making life interesting for you.”

Interesting is one word for it, Seth…shitty is another.

Ryan reiterates that he hates Christmas, and Seth says really it’s a Chrismukkah miracle. The old Ryan would have been busted for sure, but since Ryan had Jesus and Moses working for him this time around he got off with a warning. For some reason Ryan takes this to heart.

Caleb comes over to yell at Kirsten, but ends it on a positive note saying that it was clearly a good business decision. Ryan tells Sandy he’s going to go with Marissa to the therapist and Sandy suggests he just be a kid for once and enjoy the holiday with this new family. Right on Sandy. “You’re here with us now, you don’t have to be the parent anymore.” EXCEPT THAT BECAUSE HE DIDN’T GO WITH HER WE NOW HAVE THE PROBLEM OF *whisper screams ‘OLIVER, OLIVER, OLIVER’*.

Marissa shows up to her appointment and a boy her age is across from her. She gets nervous and stands up to leave, but then the boy says it took him three times to walk through that door on his first visit. He says he knows Marissa because she organizes events at the school. He says he goes to Pacific school. So that’s weird, why does he know of her if they don’t go to the same school. I’d like to introduce a segment down below called “Obvious Reasons to NOT trust Oliver Trask”. It will be a temporary segment until the Oliver episodes are over (which if you couldn’t tell by my wrestlemania whisper scream, are some of my favorite episodes). Oliver introduces himself and asks what is wrong with Marissa. He analyzes that Marissa isn’t an alcoholic -yet, but she’s probably OD’d at least once on muscle relaxers…Marissa says it was painkillers and she is somehow clearly impressed by this information he has guessed about her. OR HE HEARD IT FROM SOMEONE SINCE HE KNOWS OF YOU MARISSA. GOD YOU ARE DUMB. Marissa goes into her therapist’s office clearly excited about the prospect of a new friend in Oliver. Oh you are in for some shit Marissa gurrrrl.

At The Cohen’s, Ryan goes to hang up his stocking and the family looks on with impressive tears in their eyes. How cute. Hold on tight for the next few episodes though because we are here: THE OLIVER EPISODES.

Best Song of the Episode:

“Maybe This Christmas” by Ron Sexsmith

Best Quote:

Number of Non-White People with Actual Lines in This Episode:

Again, none.

Weird 2003 thing:

If this show aired today, Summer’s Wonder Woman costume would have been from the recent film. Instead it just looks dated albeit, classic.

Best Fashion Statement:

duh.

Obvious Reasons to NOT trust Oliver Trask:

  1. He knows who you are even though you have no friend or places in common
  2. He knows your medical history

Weekend Movies: Valerian or Dunkirk?

By Holly Hill @hollishillis

Valerian or Dunkirk? I had the opportunity to see both this week and if you’re still having trouble deciding I thought I’d give you a hand.

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I saw Dunkirk last Monday as part of an early screening group. I see a lot of movies based on Rotten Tomatoes reviews and on Monday Dunkirk had zero reviews and Valerian had 69% percent, which is still fresh. I was pretty excited to see both. I’m a big Cara Delevingne fan on and off camera, and I loved the previews for this massive sci-fi CGI film. As of Saturday, that rating dropped from 69% to 55%, but having already seen an early showing of Dunkirk I thought why not go see Valerian too, even if it’s not the best film, it should still be entertaining right?

And I was right. Valerian has its flaws but overall it entertains. The first ten minutes of the movie are weird and uninteresting, but there is a solid chunk of the movie from after that 10 minute mark and into the first hour of the film that you can see all of the potential Valerian had.

The full movie title for this film is Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, and it’s based off a comic book series called Valerian and Laureline. Truthfully, they should have stuck with the comic book title because the entire movie is really a backdrop for how Valerian wants Laureline to marry him and she won’t because he’s a player and can’t prove his love to her. Yawn. Parts of that story line are okay though. The two have some chemistry that flows well in the beginning but by the end of the movie it falls apart. The script is kind of a mess, but the visuals make up for it a tiny bit as does Delivine’s fantastic comedic timing. Sadly, some scenes seem to exist just so Delivine can have her hair done and an outfit change (I mean she looks great so no complaining here, but get back to the story, right?)

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The script is full of telling and not showing. It’s a MOVIE, right? So SHOW me the different parts of the City of a Thousand Planets, don’t have Alex the ships smart omniscient voice (yes Alex, I swear this movie is a giant advertisement for Amazon’s Alexa) tell me about it in a monotone fashion. SHOW me that Valerian cares about Laureline, because I just got told a bunch of times out loud by him that he cares about her. But I also got zero background on the two. How long have they been partners? what’s the backstory? Why do they care so fiercely about each other?

And at the end I’m left not even wanting the story to bother showing me because I’m over it anyway. Also, Rihanna shows up for no reason so there’s that. The theater was less than half full and besides the group of teens behind me who thought every part was hilarious and fun, no one else seemed to be that into it.

Overall it was an entertaining movie, but if I hadn’t seen Dunkirk earlier in the week I would have tossed Valerian aside for the 92% rating it pulled in by Friday.

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There hasn’t been a good war film in my mind, since Fury so I was really excited for this one to come out. Director Christopher Nolan has pulled together a great cast with some notable names such as Kenneth Branagh, Tom Hardy (swoon), Cillian Murphy (swoon again), and Harry Styles (swoon, if you’re into that sort of thing). The movie takes place over a series of a day or two on the shores and the channel of Dover, England and Dunkirk France. Nolan splits the film into three parts. The Mole (essentially the shore and loading dock of Dunkirk), the sea and the air.

The film has very little dialogue and a kick ass fucking score, which builds all the suspense in the world. Get ready to jump every time a bullet or torpedo is fired. You’ll be so far on the edge of your seat by the time the action gets going, you’ll forget that nearly no words have been uttered so far.

Nolan has created fictional characters for this movies so if you’re a history buff like me, you’ll be slightly appointed that you can’t Google the characters name afterwards and find out how much of that actually  happened. Honestly though the whole thing is so damn entertaining you won’t really care all that much afterwards.

Nolan has apparently been working on this script for over a decade. He insisted that a lot of the sets be built rather than CGI created (a far cry from our previous talked about film) and you can really tell the actor’s are able to get into it because the world around them feels so real.

In the end, it depends on what type of movie you like. War or Sci-Fi? Suspense or Comedy? I liked them both, but I would have probably waited for Valerian to stream rather than seeing it in theaters if I hadn’t had the early screening of Dunkirk. The biggest disappointment of Valerian is the glimpse of the potential it had being squandered and the biggest disappointment for Dunkirk is that Tom Hardy’s face is covered for nearly the entire movie. Here’s a bit where it isn’t. Enjoy.

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