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CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 24: How High and Disjointed

Welcome to Episode 24 of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where the three writers of CinemAbysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there. This week, we discuss the hazy cult classic How High and the first three episodes of the strange Netflix Original, Disjointed! Check it out on all your favorite apps below! As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

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You can also find us on BeyondPod! Just search for CinemAbysmal.

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Sloppy Saturdays: Volume 2 – ‘Junior’

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What is ‘Sloppy Saturdays’?

I realized that I own over 300 movies, many of which I have not watched a second time. Whether on Blu-Ray, DVD, or the legendary LaserDisc, I have a lot of films I need to watch again. So, I’ve decided I should probably go through these and justify why I own them, and perhaps, why you should too. I put them all into a database and will randomly mix them up once a week. Come back every Saturday for a new review. 

-Nick, Editor of CinemAbysmal

 

Sloppy Saturdays – Volume Two

Junior (1994) – Comedy | Absolutely Insane

Directed by: Ivan Reitman

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger

Format I Own: LaserDisc

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Synopsis

OK. Bare with me. Junior is about Arnold Schwarzenegger, who plays some kind of scientist that deals in pregnancies, with his OBGYN partner Frank Reynol…Danny DeVito (if you’re not already gagging at the thought of this, you might need to reevaluate your life) in San Francisco. They create a drug that supposedly induces healthy pregnancies in women after they tested it on chimps or some shit, but the FDA turns them down and they lose their funding. It’s basically the setup for Ghostbusters, but about two dudes that want to get women pregnant instead of chasing spectral entities through New York. Anyway, DeVito convinces Schwarzenegger that he should carry the baby in some kind of abdominal cavity, sans anything that would biologically allow a baby to grow or thrive, but yeah. Guess what happens by the end of the movie?

What I Love

I have absolutely no reservations in calling this movie a huge fucking turd. Honestly, it’s an insult to film and really should never have been made. That being said, I love and respect a lot of what Ivan Reitman has done as a director, and most are allowed their misfires (I’m looking at you, Tom McCarthy’s The Cobbler). Reitman is responsible for GhostbustersMeatballsStripes, and more. However, he’s also at fault for a lot of shit, so whatever.

If you saw 1988’s Twins (also with Schwarzenegger and DeVito), well, you know what you’re getting. So in a way, this falls along the same lines as that film and his other Schwarzenegger-helmed flick, Kindergarten Cop. This movie has an absolutely fucking batshit plot in which a god damn baby grows inside of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s muscly abs. If you don’t love that a movie was made strictly around that nuthouse premise, you need to learn how to enjoy this weird thing called reality. Because, guess what? This movie actually, really exists.

My Favorite Scene

About 80 minutes into the film (yes, this shit factory is nearly two hours long), Arnold goes full drag at about eight months pregnant. He and DeVito show up at some kind of compound for expecting mothers to find shelter from the evil dicks at the college that want to steal her…er, his baby away from him as it was experimental, so belongs to them. At this point, the estrogen has completely taken hold of Arnold and he and DeVito hug as the James Newton Howard score intensifies. He even starts speaking like a woman, and it’s so insultingly bad, I couldn’t help but giggle like a little kid.

THEN, holy shit. A god damned montage in which Arnold does Lamas and races other pregnant women down stairs and cries to doctors and shovels food into his mouth. It is so spectacularly out of control and really saved this movie for me.

 

What You Might Not Like

What really bothered me about the film was my now current familiarity with perhaps Danny DeVito’s most iconic character in his career: Frank Reynolds from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Now, I realize this film was made in 1994, but holy shit, all I can think about is Frank alone in a room with a woman doing gawd knows what down there, and it just does not work. Other than that, the film really is just shit. Arnold is practically yawning the whole film and the story is laughable, at best. I couldn’t imagine watching this with anyone that had a trace of a Medical education or even faintly studied Biology. It’s so ridiculous.

Honestly, the last time I watched this movie was over 20 years ago. I remembered liking it, so swooped up the LaserDisc copy and have just had it sitting there for years. Will I watch it again? Eh, maybe? If I want to show someone how not to make a movie, I’ll definitely show them this. But did I enjoy it again? Oh, hell no.

How You Can Watch

  • Streaming on HBO Now as of 04/07/2017
  • Rent for $2.99 on Apple TV, Google Play, and Vudu

 

Final Score: 1.5/4

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Similar Films: Twins, Kindergarten Cop, Any Movie that a Dude is Pregnant in…

A Recap of Thrones: S06 E09 – ‘Battle of the Bastards’

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A Recap of Thrones: Season Six, Episode Nine: Battle of the Bastards

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

SO MANY THINGS. I feel like a million epic events happened tonight. Events we have been Owaiting for since the end of Season one. In Lord of the Rings style epicnesss, we’ve got dragons, we’ve got revenge, and we’ve got TWO battles. On a directorial note, the cinematography of this episode was some of the best I’ve seen on TV, perhaps ever. I hear an Emmy calling.  

In Mereen, Dany is back, and instead of scolding Tyrion for prolonging the inevitable, she’s ready to get to work and figure out how to stop the take over. It’s super satisfying to see her trusting Tyrion, and really looking to him for advice and counsel. Dany wants to run in and kill everyone, burning the cities to the ground. Tyrion reminds her that she sounds like her crazy old dad, and he also manages to make mention of all that Wildfyre her father planted around Kings Landing (foreshadowing for the finale, anyone?), and Dany quickly takes back her statement.

The old masters try to get Dany to surrender which she predictably refuses. The other dragons are released, and don’t seem too pissed off at having been chained in a dungeon for several seasons. Dany sets dragon fire to the ships, and makes it pretty fucking clear there will be no more slavery. In a move that makes the world of Essos and Westeros look like it’s the distance from Florida to New York, Yara and Theon show up in Mereen and offer their ships. There is some very epic flirting between Yara and Dany, which I fully support, and now officially ship. Dany accepts their ships, and their offer, and it’s the start of a beautiful friendship.

Ramsey, Sansa, and Jon all meet up before the battle to exchange words. Jon offers hand to hand combat with Ramsey so no one has to die, except one of them. Ramsey obviously refuses, and so battle is declared. Davos finds Shireen’s burn site, and the daggers in his eyes confirms we haven’t heard the end of it.

At the start of the battle, Ramsey releases Rickon. He shoots arrows at the kid, letting him run back to Jon. Rickon runs in a straight line to get back to his rightful side. WHY IN THE WORLD DID HE NOT RUN IN A ZIG-ZAG FORMATION?! I know NOTHING about battle tactics or how to outrun an arrow, but it seems entirely obvious that his go to would have been zig-zagging as to not get hit. At the last moment one finds him right in the chest. It’s sad to see, but I think we all agree that if we had to pick any Stark to die tonight, it was going to be Rickon.

The battle starts and I can’t help thinking, where was Ghost? I’m guessing with the dragons, the giant, and the dogs at the end, the CGI budget was completely tapped out at the end of this episode. The battle is some of the best shit I’ve seen on TV in a long time. It was chaotic and grimy, and the tactics medieval in nature. It was one of the best scenes of this entire series. There’s a terrible moment when it looks like Jon might die of asphyxiation from being crushed to death by the weight of dead bodies. For some reason my mind blanked on Sansa writing that letter to ‘someone’ which we all guessed was Petyr Baelish but it was never confirmed. So just as it seems all hope is lost the Knights of the Vale show up, and with some relief, Jon, Wun-Wun, and Tormund charge for the gates of Winterfell. It’s a tough gate to crack, but I guess when you have a giant, it seems like childs play.

When Ramsey and Jon lock eyes again, Ramsey tries to bargain with a one-on-one fight. Jon has had enough of this little shit, and charges him nearly beating his face in to death, but stopping just in time as he sees Sansa. The look in her eyes says, “Please let me decide how this fucker goes.” And so Ramsey wakes up in a holding cell where his man-eating dogs surround him, having not fed them for seven days. In a beautiful form of revenge, the dogs eat Ramsey alive, and I can’t really think of a better way for that death to go.

Stark banners fall on the walls of Winterfell once more (new intro next week?), and we end the episode with a beautiful ghost of a smile on Sansa’s face as she listens to the dogs rip Ramsey’s face apart.

Things that still need to be wrapped up:

  • Where is Arya headed and when will she get there? With this new teleportation system the show has going on, hopefully she can reunite with her siblings in Winterfell soon.
  • What’s Bran up to? Where is he going, what is his new purpose, and will he see his family again?
  • What will be the fate of the Lannisters? Jamie is breaking bread with the Freys (despicable), while Cersei awaits trial with Loras. Will she take King’s Landing down with her? How much longer does Tommen even have on the throne? Where is Ser Pounce?
  • Why is the Hound back? What will be his purpose? An epic showdown with this zombie brother?
  • Will Brienne and Pod make it back to Winterfell?
  • When will Dany set sail for Westeros?
  • Will Davos out the Red Lady for killing Shrieen?
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Best quotes this week:

– “My hounds will never harm me.” – Ramsey Bolton

– “Our father’s were evil men. All of us here. They left the world worse than they found it. We aren’t going to do that. We are going to leave the world better than we found it.” – Dany

– “Happy shitting.” – Tormund Giantsbane

– “Bury my brother in the crypt. Next to my father.” – Jon Snow

– “His big cock. I think he said. Yuron’s offer is also an offer of marriage, you see you won’t get one without the other.” -Yara

“And your offer is free of any marriage demands?” – Dany

“I never demand, but I’m up for anything really.” –Yara

A Recap of Thrones: S06 E08 – “No One”

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A Recap of Thrones: Season Six, Episode Eight: No One

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

Remember that time Arya got just about seven mortal stab wounds, including a twist of the knife in the gut, and then DIDN’T die? Let’s recap that shall we?

There was many a rumor that last episode, the person getting stabbed couldn’t possibly be Arya. Arya would NEVER spend nearly two years getting training to be an assassin, and then flaunt her wealth around town, serenely stare out at the water letting her guard down just to get stabbed. She couldn’t possibly be that stupid, right? Well, turns out she could. All that training for nothing. Arya goes to find the actress she was supposed to kill, who somehow turns seven mortal stab wounds into a slight flesh wound that can be healed with heroin and bandages. I can’t be the only one who finds this hard to believe right? The Waif finds Arya, kills the actress, and chases her through the streets. Arya leads her underground where she has hidden her sword Needle, and kills the Waif using her skills of being blind for so long. She then cuts the Waif’s face off and sticks it in the hall of many faces for Sexy Jesus to find. She tells him she’s Arya Stark, Lady of Being Stupid and Staying in Essos for Two Years for No Reason, and she’s headed back to Winterfell. Well that didn’t make any sense, but there you have it.

The Hound exacts his beautiful revenge on several of the men who killed the people he was staying with. There are many a beautiful deaths that occur. He goes on to find the ring leader, but Beric Dondarrion finds them first. Beric, we first saw back in the first few seasons. The Hound and Beric fought, and Beric died but the Lord of Light brought him back. They make a quick alliance to kill the men together in a hanging, and The Hound joins them, at least for dinner.

Tyrion bids farewell to Varys who sets sail for Westeros to make more friends for Danareys. It’s sad to see the two part, and Tyrion tries to fill the void by redoubling his efforts to befriend Missandei and Grey Worm. It seems like it will work until the Masters of Astapor come with their ships to lay siege to Mereen. Just as things get desperate, Dany shows up on Drogon, looking at everything like she can’t even take a fucking vacation around here or the whole city literally burns to the ground.

Cersei chooses violence rather beautifully. The High Septon demands Cersei see him at the Sept, to which Cersei says how about I send one of your men back in a body bag? The Mountain beats one pretty fully to death, which clearly enrages the Septon who has a few words with Tommen (AKA, the killer of all Cleaganebowl hype), who now demands that there be no more trial by combat. Years of hype ruined by a ten year old who names his cat Ser Pounce. So disappointing. Cersei AND Loras’ trial will take place soon. I’m sure Margaery has a plan to get Loras out of this, but it looks more and more likely that Cersei will die this season. I think it’s safe to assume she’s going to try to take every single person down with her on the way.

Brienne and Pod arrive at Riverrun, and after some hilarious banter between Bron and Pod, we see Brienne work with Jamie to convince the Blackfish to give up Riverrun. The Blackfish does have sentiment towards Sansa, but he tells Brienne that Riverrun is his home, and he will defend it. Brienne tires to get him to come back with her, but he refuses and dies when Jamie takes the castle with the help of Edmund Tully. Jamie takes a complete 180 from his book character delivering an obnoxious speech about how Cersei is his everything. It is nice that he sees Brienne fleeing with Pod, and lets her go peacefully. It shows that there is at least one thing he cares for besides his sister.

Overall it was an episode that had its moments, but really it was just a precursor to a giant battle between the Bastards, and eventually destruction of Cersei and everyone around her. As for the Arya stuff, I think we are all still scratching our head over that plot decision.  
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Best quotes this week:

– “You’re shit at dying, you know that?” – The Hound

– “Varys! The most famous dwarf in the world.”  – Tyrion Lannister

– “Lesson number one, assume everyone wants to hit you. Because they do Pod, Everyone wants to hit a fucking squire.” – Bron

A Recap of Thrones: S06 E06 – “Blood of My Blood”

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A Recap of Thrones: Season Six, Episode Six: Blood of My Blood

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

It seemed like a rather dull episode, but when you think about it quite a bit happened, and a lot was revealed. We don’t hear anything from Sansa and Jon, or Tyrion and Varys, but some big revelations were made this episode that really set us up for the final four of the season.

The most exciting news by far was Benjen Stark’s return. It makes the second time (and possibly not last, if the books have anything to say about it) that a Stark has returned from the dead. Before Benjen saves Bran and Meera, we get to see the exciting last moments between Jamie and the Mad King in Bran’s visions. In about five minutes, Bran is now fully up to date on pretty much everything that has happened in Essos and Westeros, past and future. Oh, except TOWER OF JOY, OH MY GOD WHY ISN’T THIS CONFIRMED YET? We find out that Benjen is half Wight; the children of the forest stopped the ‘curse’ with dragon glass before he could transform completely into a White Walker. We also know that he knows about the previous three-eyed raven (the current one being Bran) so this could be a very exciting turn of events for Bran and Meera. Let’s hope they head toward The Wall, and eventually Winterfell to meet up with his siblings.

A lot of time was spent on Gilly and Sam this episode. This normally can turn out pretty boring, but it was actually a very interesting bit of the episode. Sam took Gilly to his father’s home, and no surprise, Sam’s father was exactly the kind of awful person Sam always said he was. Gilly stood up for Sam, but in the end ousted herself as a Wildling. Sam was going to leave her and baby Sam with his father while he is at the Citadel, but Sam FINALLY after six long seasons has grown up, and isn’t taking any more of his father’s shit. After a fight with this father he, baby Sam, and Gilly leave in the middle of the night, but not before stealing his father’s 500 year old family sword, Heartsbane, which means more to him than his entire castle, and family combined. What Sam hoped to accomplish with this we are still not sure, but it was good to see him finally flip the bird to his worthless father. Maybe he will take it back to the wall, knowing that his father will come for it. Then his father can see the White Walkers first hand.

In the biggest upset in Lannister history, Tommen and Margaery have decided to give up on her brother and serve the High Sparrow which pleases the common people, but leaves the rest of the Tyrell’s and the Lannister’s confused, and  a bit pissed off. Tommen is a compete pawn in this game, and I believe that Margaery has given up all her ambition to be Queen to serve the faith as much as I believe Ned Stark is going to come back with a sewn on head. I’m just not buying it. She’s in it for the end game, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Margaery is Queen on the Iron Throne when Daenerys finally shows up. I have a pretty good feeling this will be Tommen’s last season.

I also get the feeling that Cleganbowl is finally coming to a head. Cleaganbowl (meaning, the ‘Super Bowl’ battle between The Hound, and his brother, The Mountain), is a fan theory that dates back since we found out how much The Hound hates his brother, and how he burned him as a child. We never saw The Hound die, and it looks like Cersei is going to go to trial by combat with The Mountain as her champion. Could it be that the High Sparrow has The Hound hiding somewhere up  his sleeve, and we will finally get the justice we so desperately want to see The Hound receive? It might be far-fetched but one could hope.  

Tommen sends Jamie off to Riverun to take back the castle from the Blackfish. Little does he know he’s about to go up against Sansa Stark, Jon Snow, and his old flame Brienne. If The Mountain loses in trail by combat, Cersei might go bye bye, and then Jamie will be free to take a different side as the Lord of Casterly Rock. This is all speculation of course, and it’s hard to say what will happen here, only that we know it will be interesting.

Finally it is confirmed that Arya is not No One. She is most definitely and always has been Arya Stark. She refuses to make the kill that The Many Faced God desires, and takes her sword, Needle, back from its hiding place. Jaquin is saddened and sends the Waif who keeps beating Arya up, to dispose of her. Why the waif has always had it in for Arya I can’t really tell, unless she is super jealous that sexy Jesus Jaquin seems to prefer Arya to her. When Jaquin agrees to let the Waif dispose of Arya, he at least seems to do it reluctantly. Arya takes needle and lays down in her bed with it in the House of Black and White. Is she waiting for the Waif to come get her?

Dany rides with her Dothraki back to Mereen, but senses Drogon on the way. Dany makes a speech to her Dothraki about how they will take back Westeros, and it seems like a tired old speech for Dany to give at this point except this time she gives it on the back of a fully tamed Drogon. It’s a big deal for her to finally be worthy of his obedience to and show her power to the Dothraki. Even better if she rides to Mereen on it, and gets her ass on that ship to Westeros.

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Best quotes this week:

  • “That’s your father’s sword, won’t he come for it?” – Gilly
  • “He can bloody well try.” Samwell Tarly.

A Recap of Thrones: S06 E05 – “The Door”

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A Recap of Thrones: Season Six, Episode Five: The Door

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

And then there were two. Just two direwolves left. Ghost and Nymeria. We assume, of course, that Arya’s is still alive somewhere. Hoping that she will make an appearance in the most badass possible way at some point in time. With the execution of Bran’s Direwolf, Summer, just like the Starks, the Direwolves’ numbers are dwindling.

The super delegates sat their asses behind Hilary Clinton this week, I mean Euron Greyjoy. Bernie Sanders, I mean Yara Greyjoy seems to not have enough for the nomination. It was nice to see Theon go to bat for his sister, but it’s called a KINGSmoot for a reason. No queens allowed. Euron admits he killed his brother, and no one seems to give a fuck since he has a penis and Greyjoy blood. Seeing the worst, the siblings take all the best ships and book it out of Pyke. Good thing Euron didn’t tell them of his plan to unite with Dany, oh wait he did. Interested to see where the two end up. What’s dead will most certainly die if Euron thinks he can just go off and have Dany for his own.

Meanwhile Petyr Baelish has to look uncomfortable for the first time ever, trying to spin that whole ‘oops, I left you with a psycho’ thing. Clearly this is the season of Sansa not taking anyone’s shit, as she sends him packing. He does mention to her that her great-uncle Brynden the Blackfish has retaken Riverrun so he could help her in gaining more men to her side. The fact that LITTLEFINGER told her this, and she’s taking him at his word, worries me a bit. They could be walking into a trap. Why not kill 2/4 of the remaining Starks?

The one thing about this show is we can always assume the worst and rarely be disappointed. Jon, Sansa, Pod, Brienne, and Tormund, head off to make some friends and remind the North that the Starks are still alive and kicking. There is some more weird amazing sexual tension between Brienne and Tormund this week, and it builds to a crescendo with creepy looks of longing across the distance of mounted horses. “And that Wildling fellow with the beard,” Brienne says, fully not understanding what epicness awaits her.  Can’t wait for that one to happen.

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Arya gets smacked around for a good ten minutes once again. Jaquin H’agar wants Arya to kill a nobody actress who performs a play in Bravvos. We do see a pretty clever play, which genuinely made me laugh, and had some great writing. Arya agrees to do the killing, but isn’t super thrilled about the idea. However, in order to continue training and exact her revenge, she must continue to play the part of no one.

No word from King’s Landing this episode, but I can guarantee we will be getting our war with the High Sparrow next episode.

Dany finally finds out about Jorah’s grayscale and commands him to go find a cure. Yawn. She had a good run last episode so we will forgive her for the sleep inducing scenes this episode. She and her Dothraki are off the Mereen to gather the rest of their army and HOPEFULLY go to war.  

Tyrion and Varys have brokered a fragile peace in Mereen. They call on another Red Lady, Kinvara, the high priestess of the red temple of Volantis to put out the good word of their work. Let’s hope they can reunite with Dany soon, and her and Tyrion can ride the dragons back to Westeros (in my dreams).

We find out quite a bit about the origin of the White Walkers. The Children seemed to have created them to protect themselves against men from Westeros. The only problem being that their robot overloads seem to have rebelled against their creators. Bran decides to do some ‘weir walking’ on his own, and the leader of the Night King touches him and brands him, gaining him access to the cave where they are hiding.

Hold the door. Hold door. Holddoor. Hodor. There you have it people. The origin of Hodor. He had a ‘seizure’ as a child, and saw his own death, damaging him beyond repair. If you weren’t crying in that scene then you clearly have no heart. RIP big bear. As they attempt to run, Summer sacrifices himself (WHYYYY), and Hodor holds the door so Bran and Meera can escape. How will the two traverse through the ice and snow without him? Who knows. Will we EVER find out about what really went down at the Tower of Joy yet? Probably not until the season finale will all our dreams be confirmed (LET’S HOPE).  

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Best quotes this week:

  • “Did you know about Ramsey? If you didn’t know you’re an idiot, and if you did know then you’re my enemy.” – Sansa Stark
  • “Not him (Jon), he seems trustworthy. A bit brooding perhaps.” Brienne, in the understatement of the century

A Recap of Thrones: S06 E04 “Book of the Stranger”

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A Recap of Thrones: Season Six, Episode Four: Book of the Stranger

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

The episode of sibling reunions, and fire and blood. Making up for last week’s mediocre episode, Book of the Stranger strikes back and gives us everything we’ve been wanting with the exception of one unfortunate death. Let’s kick this review off in Westeros.

Margaery and Loras reunite in a scene that shows just how strong Margaery is, and how weak Loras has become. Loras is at his breaking point, whereas Margaery is stronger than ever and ready to cut a bitch. The High Sparrow confided to Tommen that Margaery would have to do her own walk of shame and Tommen being the brave king he is, held Ser Pounce tight and went to go tell his Mommy. At the small council meeting, the 1% of Westeros decide to rally forces to go against the High Sparrow. Cersei gets the Tyrell’s to agree to march on the Sept with their army, and is clearly hoping Margaery gets slain in the process. I’m sure if she lives, Cersei will have another plan up her sleeve to get rid of her, but with the Tyrell army behind her it’s hard to see how she will lose this round especially when The Rains Of Castamere starts playing in the background.

Yara reunites with brother Theon, and is understandably pissed at first. When Theon admits he wants to see her as King of the Iron Islands she accepts his return. This will inevitably lead to what I hope is a successful King’s Moot for her, and a plea to fight with the Starks to take back the north from Ramsey.

Littlefinger is back, and he comes bearing gifts to the Little Boobsucker Lord bribing him easily, and showing the power he holds over him. I’m hoping we eventually get another scene with Petyr and Varys again. Those two are making all of these chess pieces move. What their true intentions are, is still a bit unclear. I personally think they are the two great heroes of this story; doing whatever they have to, making sure the right people are on the throne. While Littlefinger does it more for power, I think Varys and him are the smartest people on this show. With ease, Littlefigner convinces Little Boobsucker Lord that they need to ride north to Castle Black and join forces with pretty much EVERYONE to defeat the Boltons.

In a sad, but not altogether unpredictable death, Osha tries and fails to seduce Ramsey to death, and he instead beats her to the punch. It would have been nice to see Ramsey go, and we all love Osha, but it would have been an anticlimactic death. I’m personally hoping Wun Wun rips him apart limb by limb. Slowly. That or Theon and Sansa take turns cutting off his dick, inch by inch.

We FINALLY get to see a reunion of Starks. I screamed when the doors to Castle Black opened and in strut Sansa, Pod, and Brienne. It is happening. IT. IS. HAPPENING. Sansa was always rather mean to Jon growing up, seeing him as a bastard and not her true brother, but when you’ve been through what they have, sometimes all you need is a little hug from your family. It was such a satisfying moment. Also looking forward to seeing more of that weird sexual tension between Tormund and Lady Brienne. Davos nearly finds out from Brienne that Melisandre burned Shireen alive. The Red Lady admits only that she now is obsessively stalking Jon Snow as the new Lord of Light. Brienne admits to executing Stannis which left Davos a bit speechless, and left time for Melisandre to quietly walk away before the subject of Shireen came up again. Sansa has become Jon’s backbone in a move that surprises no one, as Jon has never been able to say no to a red head. When Ramsey sends Jon a letter threatening him, Sansa, Rickon, and all of the wildlings, he finally decides enough is enough and agrees to take back Winterfell. The Bastard Bowl has begun.

Over in Essos, Tyrion is trying to make peace with his enemies. He comprises with the enemies of Daenerys to bring peace to Mereen and all of Slavers Bay. Tyrion is doing a pretty good job of ruling, but he is also doing it in a typical rich white dude kind of way. He might need to take a step back and listen to the two minorities backing him up. However, it doesn’t really matter what he does, because Dany is coming back with a horde of loyal Dothraki at her side.

Dany takes matters into her own hands as Jorah and That Guy Dany is Sleeping With, find her and try to save her. She laughs in their faces, asking them to step back while she takes care of shit. She burns down the Dosh Khaleen with the Kahl’s in it, and walks out in a scene reminiscent of Carrie. The rest of the Dothraki bow, and finally after many seasons of doing nothing interesting, Dany is back on top bitch. YAS MY QUEEN.

We are in for what is sure to be a very satisfying rest of the season.

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Best quotes this week:

  • “Winterfell is our home. It’s ours…and Arya’s, Bran’s, and Rickon’s, wherever they are. It belongs to our family, and we have to fight for it.” – Sansa Stark
  • “You wait so fat time.” – Tyrion Lannister
  • “You are small men. None of you are fit to lead the Dothraki. But I am. So  I will.” – Daenerys of House Targaryen, the first of her name, Queen of Mereen, Protector of the Realm, Khalessi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Fucking Dragons