Game of Thrones Review

A Recap of Thrones: S06 E09 – ‘Battle of the Bastards’

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A Recap of Thrones: Season Six, Episode Nine: Battle of the Bastards

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

SO MANY THINGS. I feel like a million epic events happened tonight. Events we have been Owaiting for since the end of Season one. In Lord of the Rings style epicnesss, we’ve got dragons, we’ve got revenge, and we’ve got TWO battles. On a directorial note, the cinematography of this episode was some of the best I’ve seen on TV, perhaps ever. I hear an Emmy calling.  

In Mereen, Dany is back, and instead of scolding Tyrion for prolonging the inevitable, she’s ready to get to work and figure out how to stop the take over. It’s super satisfying to see her trusting Tyrion, and really looking to him for advice and counsel. Dany wants to run in and kill everyone, burning the cities to the ground. Tyrion reminds her that she sounds like her crazy old dad, and he also manages to make mention of all that Wildfyre her father planted around Kings Landing (foreshadowing for the finale, anyone?), and Dany quickly takes back her statement.

The old masters try to get Dany to surrender which she predictably refuses. The other dragons are released, and don’t seem too pissed off at having been chained in a dungeon for several seasons. Dany sets dragon fire to the ships, and makes it pretty fucking clear there will be no more slavery. In a move that makes the world of Essos and Westeros look like it’s the distance from Florida to New York, Yara and Theon show up in Mereen and offer their ships. There is some very epic flirting between Yara and Dany, which I fully support, and now officially ship. Dany accepts their ships, and their offer, and it’s the start of a beautiful friendship.

Ramsey, Sansa, and Jon all meet up before the battle to exchange words. Jon offers hand to hand combat with Ramsey so no one has to die, except one of them. Ramsey obviously refuses, and so battle is declared. Davos finds Shireen’s burn site, and the daggers in his eyes confirms we haven’t heard the end of it.

At the start of the battle, Ramsey releases Rickon. He shoots arrows at the kid, letting him run back to Jon. Rickon runs in a straight line to get back to his rightful side. WHY IN THE WORLD DID HE NOT RUN IN A ZIG-ZAG FORMATION?! I know NOTHING about battle tactics or how to outrun an arrow, but it seems entirely obvious that his go to would have been zig-zagging as to not get hit. At the last moment one finds him right in the chest. It’s sad to see, but I think we all agree that if we had to pick any Stark to die tonight, it was going to be Rickon.

The battle starts and I can’t help thinking, where was Ghost? I’m guessing with the dragons, the giant, and the dogs at the end, the CGI budget was completely tapped out at the end of this episode. The battle is some of the best shit I’ve seen on TV in a long time. It was chaotic and grimy, and the tactics medieval in nature. It was one of the best scenes of this entire series. There’s a terrible moment when it looks like Jon might die of asphyxiation from being crushed to death by the weight of dead bodies. For some reason my mind blanked on Sansa writing that letter to ‘someone’ which we all guessed was Petyr Baelish but it was never confirmed. So just as it seems all hope is lost the Knights of the Vale show up, and with some relief, Jon, Wun-Wun, and Tormund charge for the gates of Winterfell. It’s a tough gate to crack, but I guess when you have a giant, it seems like childs play.

When Ramsey and Jon lock eyes again, Ramsey tries to bargain with a one-on-one fight. Jon has had enough of this little shit, and charges him nearly beating his face in to death, but stopping just in time as he sees Sansa. The look in her eyes says, “Please let me decide how this fucker goes.” And so Ramsey wakes up in a holding cell where his man-eating dogs surround him, having not fed them for seven days. In a beautiful form of revenge, the dogs eat Ramsey alive, and I can’t really think of a better way for that death to go.

Stark banners fall on the walls of Winterfell once more (new intro next week?), and we end the episode with a beautiful ghost of a smile on Sansa’s face as she listens to the dogs rip Ramsey’s face apart.

Things that still need to be wrapped up:

  • Where is Arya headed and when will she get there? With this new teleportation system the show has going on, hopefully she can reunite with her siblings in Winterfell soon.
  • What’s Bran up to? Where is he going, what is his new purpose, and will he see his family again?
  • What will be the fate of the Lannisters? Jamie is breaking bread with the Freys (despicable), while Cersei awaits trial with Loras. Will she take King’s Landing down with her? How much longer does Tommen even have on the throne? Where is Ser Pounce?
  • Why is the Hound back? What will be his purpose? An epic showdown with this zombie brother?
  • Will Brienne and Pod make it back to Winterfell?
  • When will Dany set sail for Westeros?
  • Will Davos out the Red Lady for killing Shrieen?
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Best quotes this week:

– “My hounds will never harm me.” – Ramsey Bolton

– “Our father’s were evil men. All of us here. They left the world worse than they found it. We aren’t going to do that. We are going to leave the world better than we found it.” – Dany

– “Happy shitting.” – Tormund Giantsbane

– “Bury my brother in the crypt. Next to my father.” – Jon Snow

– “His big cock. I think he said. Yuron’s offer is also an offer of marriage, you see you won’t get one without the other.” -Yara

“And your offer is free of any marriage demands?” – Dany

“I never demand, but I’m up for anything really.” –Yara

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A Recap of Thrones: S06 E08 – “No One”

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A Recap of Thrones: Season Six, Episode Eight: No One

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

Remember that time Arya got just about seven mortal stab wounds, including a twist of the knife in the gut, and then DIDN’T die? Let’s recap that shall we?

There was many a rumor that last episode, the person getting stabbed couldn’t possibly be Arya. Arya would NEVER spend nearly two years getting training to be an assassin, and then flaunt her wealth around town, serenely stare out at the water letting her guard down just to get stabbed. She couldn’t possibly be that stupid, right? Well, turns out she could. All that training for nothing. Arya goes to find the actress she was supposed to kill, who somehow turns seven mortal stab wounds into a slight flesh wound that can be healed with heroin and bandages. I can’t be the only one who finds this hard to believe right? The Waif finds Arya, kills the actress, and chases her through the streets. Arya leads her underground where she has hidden her sword Needle, and kills the Waif using her skills of being blind for so long. She then cuts the Waif’s face off and sticks it in the hall of many faces for Sexy Jesus to find. She tells him she’s Arya Stark, Lady of Being Stupid and Staying in Essos for Two Years for No Reason, and she’s headed back to Winterfell. Well that didn’t make any sense, but there you have it.

The Hound exacts his beautiful revenge on several of the men who killed the people he was staying with. There are many a beautiful deaths that occur. He goes on to find the ring leader, but Beric Dondarrion finds them first. Beric, we first saw back in the first few seasons. The Hound and Beric fought, and Beric died but the Lord of Light brought him back. They make a quick alliance to kill the men together in a hanging, and The Hound joins them, at least for dinner.

Tyrion bids farewell to Varys who sets sail for Westeros to make more friends for Danareys. It’s sad to see the two part, and Tyrion tries to fill the void by redoubling his efforts to befriend Missandei and Grey Worm. It seems like it will work until the Masters of Astapor come with their ships to lay siege to Mereen. Just as things get desperate, Dany shows up on Drogon, looking at everything like she can’t even take a fucking vacation around here or the whole city literally burns to the ground.

Cersei chooses violence rather beautifully. The High Septon demands Cersei see him at the Sept, to which Cersei says how about I send one of your men back in a body bag? The Mountain beats one pretty fully to death, which clearly enrages the Septon who has a few words with Tommen (AKA, the killer of all Cleaganebowl hype), who now demands that there be no more trial by combat. Years of hype ruined by a ten year old who names his cat Ser Pounce. So disappointing. Cersei AND Loras’ trial will take place soon. I’m sure Margaery has a plan to get Loras out of this, but it looks more and more likely that Cersei will die this season. I think it’s safe to assume she’s going to try to take every single person down with her on the way.

Brienne and Pod arrive at Riverrun, and after some hilarious banter between Bron and Pod, we see Brienne work with Jamie to convince the Blackfish to give up Riverrun. The Blackfish does have sentiment towards Sansa, but he tells Brienne that Riverrun is his home, and he will defend it. Brienne tires to get him to come back with her, but he refuses and dies when Jamie takes the castle with the help of Edmund Tully. Jamie takes a complete 180 from his book character delivering an obnoxious speech about how Cersei is his everything. It is nice that he sees Brienne fleeing with Pod, and lets her go peacefully. It shows that there is at least one thing he cares for besides his sister.

Overall it was an episode that had its moments, but really it was just a precursor to a giant battle between the Bastards, and eventually destruction of Cersei and everyone around her. As for the Arya stuff, I think we are all still scratching our head over that plot decision.  
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Best quotes this week:

– “You’re shit at dying, you know that?” – The Hound

– “Varys! The most famous dwarf in the world.”  – Tyrion Lannister

– “Lesson number one, assume everyone wants to hit you. Because they do Pod, Everyone wants to hit a fucking squire.” – Bron

A Recap of Thrones: S06 E06 – “Blood of My Blood”

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A Recap of Thrones: Season Six, Episode Six: Blood of My Blood

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

It seemed like a rather dull episode, but when you think about it quite a bit happened, and a lot was revealed. We don’t hear anything from Sansa and Jon, or Tyrion and Varys, but some big revelations were made this episode that really set us up for the final four of the season.

The most exciting news by far was Benjen Stark’s return. It makes the second time (and possibly not last, if the books have anything to say about it) that a Stark has returned from the dead. Before Benjen saves Bran and Meera, we get to see the exciting last moments between Jamie and the Mad King in Bran’s visions. In about five minutes, Bran is now fully up to date on pretty much everything that has happened in Essos and Westeros, past and future. Oh, except TOWER OF JOY, OH MY GOD WHY ISN’T THIS CONFIRMED YET? We find out that Benjen is half Wight; the children of the forest stopped the ‘curse’ with dragon glass before he could transform completely into a White Walker. We also know that he knows about the previous three-eyed raven (the current one being Bran) so this could be a very exciting turn of events for Bran and Meera. Let’s hope they head toward The Wall, and eventually Winterfell to meet up with his siblings.

A lot of time was spent on Gilly and Sam this episode. This normally can turn out pretty boring, but it was actually a very interesting bit of the episode. Sam took Gilly to his father’s home, and no surprise, Sam’s father was exactly the kind of awful person Sam always said he was. Gilly stood up for Sam, but in the end ousted herself as a Wildling. Sam was going to leave her and baby Sam with his father while he is at the Citadel, but Sam FINALLY after six long seasons has grown up, and isn’t taking any more of his father’s shit. After a fight with this father he, baby Sam, and Gilly leave in the middle of the night, but not before stealing his father’s 500 year old family sword, Heartsbane, which means more to him than his entire castle, and family combined. What Sam hoped to accomplish with this we are still not sure, but it was good to see him finally flip the bird to his worthless father. Maybe he will take it back to the wall, knowing that his father will come for it. Then his father can see the White Walkers first hand.

In the biggest upset in Lannister history, Tommen and Margaery have decided to give up on her brother and serve the High Sparrow which pleases the common people, but leaves the rest of the Tyrell’s and the Lannister’s confused, and  a bit pissed off. Tommen is a compete pawn in this game, and I believe that Margaery has given up all her ambition to be Queen to serve the faith as much as I believe Ned Stark is going to come back with a sewn on head. I’m just not buying it. She’s in it for the end game, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Margaery is Queen on the Iron Throne when Daenerys finally shows up. I have a pretty good feeling this will be Tommen’s last season.

I also get the feeling that Cleganbowl is finally coming to a head. Cleaganbowl (meaning, the ‘Super Bowl’ battle between The Hound, and his brother, The Mountain), is a fan theory that dates back since we found out how much The Hound hates his brother, and how he burned him as a child. We never saw The Hound die, and it looks like Cersei is going to go to trial by combat with The Mountain as her champion. Could it be that the High Sparrow has The Hound hiding somewhere up  his sleeve, and we will finally get the justice we so desperately want to see The Hound receive? It might be far-fetched but one could hope.  

Tommen sends Jamie off to Riverun to take back the castle from the Blackfish. Little does he know he’s about to go up against Sansa Stark, Jon Snow, and his old flame Brienne. If The Mountain loses in trail by combat, Cersei might go bye bye, and then Jamie will be free to take a different side as the Lord of Casterly Rock. This is all speculation of course, and it’s hard to say what will happen here, only that we know it will be interesting.

Finally it is confirmed that Arya is not No One. She is most definitely and always has been Arya Stark. She refuses to make the kill that The Many Faced God desires, and takes her sword, Needle, back from its hiding place. Jaquin is saddened and sends the Waif who keeps beating Arya up, to dispose of her. Why the waif has always had it in for Arya I can’t really tell, unless she is super jealous that sexy Jesus Jaquin seems to prefer Arya to her. When Jaquin agrees to let the Waif dispose of Arya, he at least seems to do it reluctantly. Arya takes needle and lays down in her bed with it in the House of Black and White. Is she waiting for the Waif to come get her?

Dany rides with her Dothraki back to Mereen, but senses Drogon on the way. Dany makes a speech to her Dothraki about how they will take back Westeros, and it seems like a tired old speech for Dany to give at this point except this time she gives it on the back of a fully tamed Drogon. It’s a big deal for her to finally be worthy of his obedience to and show her power to the Dothraki. Even better if she rides to Mereen on it, and gets her ass on that ship to Westeros.

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Best quotes this week:

  • “That’s your father’s sword, won’t he come for it?” – Gilly
  • “He can bloody well try.” Samwell Tarly.

A Recap of Thrones: S06 E05 – “The Door”

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A Recap of Thrones: Season Six, Episode Five: The Door

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

And then there were two. Just two direwolves left. Ghost and Nymeria. We assume, of course, that Arya’s is still alive somewhere. Hoping that she will make an appearance in the most badass possible way at some point in time. With the execution of Bran’s Direwolf, Summer, just like the Starks, the Direwolves’ numbers are dwindling.

The super delegates sat their asses behind Hilary Clinton this week, I mean Euron Greyjoy. Bernie Sanders, I mean Yara Greyjoy seems to not have enough for the nomination. It was nice to see Theon go to bat for his sister, but it’s called a KINGSmoot for a reason. No queens allowed. Euron admits he killed his brother, and no one seems to give a fuck since he has a penis and Greyjoy blood. Seeing the worst, the siblings take all the best ships and book it out of Pyke. Good thing Euron didn’t tell them of his plan to unite with Dany, oh wait he did. Interested to see where the two end up. What’s dead will most certainly die if Euron thinks he can just go off and have Dany for his own.

Meanwhile Petyr Baelish has to look uncomfortable for the first time ever, trying to spin that whole ‘oops, I left you with a psycho’ thing. Clearly this is the season of Sansa not taking anyone’s shit, as she sends him packing. He does mention to her that her great-uncle Brynden the Blackfish has retaken Riverrun so he could help her in gaining more men to her side. The fact that LITTLEFINGER told her this, and she’s taking him at his word, worries me a bit. They could be walking into a trap. Why not kill 2/4 of the remaining Starks?

The one thing about this show is we can always assume the worst and rarely be disappointed. Jon, Sansa, Pod, Brienne, and Tormund, head off to make some friends and remind the North that the Starks are still alive and kicking. There is some more weird amazing sexual tension between Brienne and Tormund this week, and it builds to a crescendo with creepy looks of longing across the distance of mounted horses. “And that Wildling fellow with the beard,” Brienne says, fully not understanding what epicness awaits her.  Can’t wait for that one to happen.

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Arya gets smacked around for a good ten minutes once again. Jaquin H’agar wants Arya to kill a nobody actress who performs a play in Bravvos. We do see a pretty clever play, which genuinely made me laugh, and had some great writing. Arya agrees to do the killing, but isn’t super thrilled about the idea. However, in order to continue training and exact her revenge, she must continue to play the part of no one.

No word from King’s Landing this episode, but I can guarantee we will be getting our war with the High Sparrow next episode.

Dany finally finds out about Jorah’s grayscale and commands him to go find a cure. Yawn. She had a good run last episode so we will forgive her for the sleep inducing scenes this episode. She and her Dothraki are off the Mereen to gather the rest of their army and HOPEFULLY go to war.  

Tyrion and Varys have brokered a fragile peace in Mereen. They call on another Red Lady, Kinvara, the high priestess of the red temple of Volantis to put out the good word of their work. Let’s hope they can reunite with Dany soon, and her and Tyrion can ride the dragons back to Westeros (in my dreams).

We find out quite a bit about the origin of the White Walkers. The Children seemed to have created them to protect themselves against men from Westeros. The only problem being that their robot overloads seem to have rebelled against their creators. Bran decides to do some ‘weir walking’ on his own, and the leader of the Night King touches him and brands him, gaining him access to the cave where they are hiding.

Hold the door. Hold door. Holddoor. Hodor. There you have it people. The origin of Hodor. He had a ‘seizure’ as a child, and saw his own death, damaging him beyond repair. If you weren’t crying in that scene then you clearly have no heart. RIP big bear. As they attempt to run, Summer sacrifices himself (WHYYYY), and Hodor holds the door so Bran and Meera can escape. How will the two traverse through the ice and snow without him? Who knows. Will we EVER find out about what really went down at the Tower of Joy yet? Probably not until the season finale will all our dreams be confirmed (LET’S HOPE).  

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Best quotes this week:

  • “Did you know about Ramsey? If you didn’t know you’re an idiot, and if you did know then you’re my enemy.” – Sansa Stark
  • “Not him (Jon), he seems trustworthy. A bit brooding perhaps.” Brienne, in the understatement of the century

A Recap of Thrones: S06 E04 “Book of the Stranger”

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A Recap of Thrones: Season Six, Episode Four: Book of the Stranger

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

The episode of sibling reunions, and fire and blood. Making up for last week’s mediocre episode, Book of the Stranger strikes back and gives us everything we’ve been wanting with the exception of one unfortunate death. Let’s kick this review off in Westeros.

Margaery and Loras reunite in a scene that shows just how strong Margaery is, and how weak Loras has become. Loras is at his breaking point, whereas Margaery is stronger than ever and ready to cut a bitch. The High Sparrow confided to Tommen that Margaery would have to do her own walk of shame and Tommen being the brave king he is, held Ser Pounce tight and went to go tell his Mommy. At the small council meeting, the 1% of Westeros decide to rally forces to go against the High Sparrow. Cersei gets the Tyrell’s to agree to march on the Sept with their army, and is clearly hoping Margaery gets slain in the process. I’m sure if she lives, Cersei will have another plan up her sleeve to get rid of her, but with the Tyrell army behind her it’s hard to see how she will lose this round especially when The Rains Of Castamere starts playing in the background.

Yara reunites with brother Theon, and is understandably pissed at first. When Theon admits he wants to see her as King of the Iron Islands she accepts his return. This will inevitably lead to what I hope is a successful King’s Moot for her, and a plea to fight with the Starks to take back the north from Ramsey.

Littlefinger is back, and he comes bearing gifts to the Little Boobsucker Lord bribing him easily, and showing the power he holds over him. I’m hoping we eventually get another scene with Petyr and Varys again. Those two are making all of these chess pieces move. What their true intentions are, is still a bit unclear. I personally think they are the two great heroes of this story; doing whatever they have to, making sure the right people are on the throne. While Littlefinger does it more for power, I think Varys and him are the smartest people on this show. With ease, Littlefigner convinces Little Boobsucker Lord that they need to ride north to Castle Black and join forces with pretty much EVERYONE to defeat the Boltons.

In a sad, but not altogether unpredictable death, Osha tries and fails to seduce Ramsey to death, and he instead beats her to the punch. It would have been nice to see Ramsey go, and we all love Osha, but it would have been an anticlimactic death. I’m personally hoping Wun Wun rips him apart limb by limb. Slowly. That or Theon and Sansa take turns cutting off his dick, inch by inch.

We FINALLY get to see a reunion of Starks. I screamed when the doors to Castle Black opened and in strut Sansa, Pod, and Brienne. It is happening. IT. IS. HAPPENING. Sansa was always rather mean to Jon growing up, seeing him as a bastard and not her true brother, but when you’ve been through what they have, sometimes all you need is a little hug from your family. It was such a satisfying moment. Also looking forward to seeing more of that weird sexual tension between Tormund and Lady Brienne. Davos nearly finds out from Brienne that Melisandre burned Shireen alive. The Red Lady admits only that she now is obsessively stalking Jon Snow as the new Lord of Light. Brienne admits to executing Stannis which left Davos a bit speechless, and left time for Melisandre to quietly walk away before the subject of Shireen came up again. Sansa has become Jon’s backbone in a move that surprises no one, as Jon has never been able to say no to a red head. When Ramsey sends Jon a letter threatening him, Sansa, Rickon, and all of the wildlings, he finally decides enough is enough and agrees to take back Winterfell. The Bastard Bowl has begun.

Over in Essos, Tyrion is trying to make peace with his enemies. He comprises with the enemies of Daenerys to bring peace to Mereen and all of Slavers Bay. Tyrion is doing a pretty good job of ruling, but he is also doing it in a typical rich white dude kind of way. He might need to take a step back and listen to the two minorities backing him up. However, it doesn’t really matter what he does, because Dany is coming back with a horde of loyal Dothraki at her side.

Dany takes matters into her own hands as Jorah and That Guy Dany is Sleeping With, find her and try to save her. She laughs in their faces, asking them to step back while she takes care of shit. She burns down the Dosh Khaleen with the Kahl’s in it, and walks out in a scene reminiscent of Carrie. The rest of the Dothraki bow, and finally after many seasons of doing nothing interesting, Dany is back on top bitch. YAS MY QUEEN.

We are in for what is sure to be a very satisfying rest of the season.

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Best quotes this week:

  • “Winterfell is our home. It’s ours…and Arya’s, Bran’s, and Rickon’s, wherever they are. It belongs to our family, and we have to fight for it.” – Sansa Stark
  • “You wait so fat time.” – Tyrion Lannister
  • “You are small men. None of you are fit to lead the Dothraki. But I am. So  I will.” – Daenerys of House Targaryen, the first of her name, Queen of Mereen, Protector of the Realm, Khalessi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Fucking Dragons

A Recap of Thrones: S6 E03 “Oathbreaker”

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A Recap of Thrones: Season Six, Episode Three: Oathbreaker

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

It was the fart heard round the world. Somehow in all the of the deaths we have had on Game of Thrones, old ass Grand Maester Pycelle is still alive and farting. I had to pause the show for a good seven minutes so I could laugh at the absurdity of the moment, so in the spirit of farts let’s kick this review off in King’s Landing.

Cersei’s creepy Doctor Frankenstein guy is now trying to control Varys’ ‘little birds’ which turn out to be the little children of flea bottom. He is looking for dirt on the High Sparrow and it’s only a  matter of time before he gets it. Ser Gregor the zombie gives Pycelle a look so scary he farts his pants. Jamie and Cersei are denied seats on the small council, and Tommen goes to visit the High Sparrow in what seems to be a display of his power, but really just shows how terrible he is at ruling. I’d guess Tommen only has a few episodes left in his life, and I’m betting this is the last episode everyone shits all over the Lannisters.

Jon Snow is alive, and as much of a moral downer as always so it’s safe to say death hasn’t affected his personality much. The Red Woman is so astounded, she is annoyingly convinced the Lord of Light has brought him back for a reason, but last time she thought the Lord of Light had a purpose for her,she burned a little girl alive. Maybe think twice before you make such great assumptions. For those of you Redditors frequenting r/fuckolly, your subreddit is no longer valid. Olly has been fucked, and hanged. I’m disappointed Ghost didn’t get to eat anyone’s face off, but I guess Jon has to sentence the traitors to death with ‘dignity’, or whatever. Jon Snow ended the storyline at the wall tonight, by dropping the mic with a “and now my watch has ended,” giving his lord commander cape to his friend Eddison. I’m sure by now there is a thug life gif of the moment somewhere on the internet. I’m all for it. Let’s get Jon away from this shitty never ending wall storyline and back into the REAL fight.

Ever wondered what happened to the littlest Stark boy? Rickon? Well he ran away with Osha and Shaggy Dog (I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, I WILL JUST END UP CRYING), and it seemed he would never be heard from again, but at least he would be safe. Well, looks like he’s been caught and is now in the arms of Ramsey. So…RIP Osha and Rickon’s  ‘body parts,’ whichever Ramsey chooses them to be.  Maybe Ramsey will use Rickon as a bargaining chip for Sansa to come back? Just when things seemed to be going so well.  

In the BIGGEST upset of the week (yes, even more so than Shaggy Dog’s head on a spike), it looks like we have to follow fat Sam and Gilly to Oldtown. First Sam must stop and try and convince his complete asshole of a father to keep Sam’s ‘bastard,’ and Gilly safe while he goes off adventuring.

Bran has what we think is going to be THE vision. THE VISION THAT WILL CONFIRM ALL OF OUR THEORIES! But alas, the old tree man blue balls us, and pulls Bran away from the truth JUST as we are about to see WHAT IS IN THAT GODDAMN TOWER. The most interesting part of this bit (besides the awesome choreographed fighting), is seeing that Bran might be able to manipulate the past. So no Tower of Joy confirmation theories this episode. Ah well, too much good news too soon is never a good thing.

Dany finally arrives in Vaes Dothrak, and since she ‘went out into the world’ instead of going straight to Vaes Dothrak after Kahl Drogo’s death, she is going to have to go through some kind of trial to decide what her fate will be. Will they let her stay in Vaes Dothrak or will she be punished for breaking the rules? Probably neither. ‘That guy she is sleeping with’ and Jorah will put a stop to it before it comes to that. What a sad plot for the Mother of Dragons.

Varys finds out that the slave owners in neighboring cities to Mereen are funding the Sons of the Harpy rebellion. A fight will have to happen, and I’m hoping dragons are involved. If they’re not, I can guarantee we are in for a snore fest the rest of the season.

Arya trains until she is rewarded her eye sight back. I think it’s time to do some killin’, and get this storyline back on track.

Overall it wasn’t a great episode. Not a lot happened, but I can forgive that because the writers have brought us Jon back. The only thing that is going to piss me off is if Sansa shows up at the wall after Jon leaves. I cannot STAND this almost missing each other thing that the Starks have going on. It drives me insane. Until next week.

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Best quotes this week:

  • “I know that (you’re not a God), I saw your pecker, what kind of God would have a pecker that small?” – Tormund Giantsbane
  • “Did I ever tell you I used to think the sea was called the sea because it was nothing but sea as far as the eye could see? It was before I learned to read…obviously.” – Gilly
  • “My watch has ended.” – Jon Snow

 

A Recap of Thrones: S6, E1: The Red Woman

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A Recap of Thrones: Season Six, Episode One: The Red Woman

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

A strong beginning to what is sure to be a spectacular season. Two meaningful deaths, two pairs of boobs (sort of), and two people redeemed.

Let’s start east of Westeros, in Essos.

Dany is stuck with an entire horde of Dothraki on a long walk through what we can only presume is the Dothraki Sea (called so because of the tall grass that ripples in the wind). Of course being white and blonde, the men doubt she can speak their language. The men walking by her suggest sexual things in Dothraki, and when Dany is finally introduced to the Kahl she impresses him with all that Dorthraki she has up her sleeve with a look of, ‘Yeah I heard you asking if the carpets match the drapes.’ Dany plays her cards too early, admitting that she is the widow of a Kahl as well as, you know, queen of everything ever. It seems that she will get special treatment and a ride back to Mereen for a moment, but come on, these are the same people that poured liquid gold on her brother’s head, and made her eat the heart of a stallion like it was a giant gummy bear. They will be sending her to the holy temple where all widowed Khalessi live out their days. Yawn. Can we fast forward through this storyline?

Jorah and ‘that guy Dany is sleeping with’ find the ring she dropped when the Dothraki circled her at the end of season five. Not much happens here except ‘that guy Dany is sleeping with’ brags to Jorah about how he is totally getting some, and Jorah watches his grayscale progress and his venture into the friend zone.

Tyrion and Vary’s walk around Mereen without guards, which seemed a little hard to believe considering the state of Mereen last we saw it. Looks like the Lord of Light cult has found its way into Mereen as the two walk in on a prayer session. The last thing we need is another Red Woman predicting the wrong future. The best humor of course is in this scene, and the quote of the episode goes to Vary’s who says that Tyrion ‘walks like a rich person’, which now is impossible to ignore. Their bit ends with the harbor of Mereen on fire, with no great explanation as to how or why that has happened. Looks like no one important is leaving Essos this season. At least the writers are letting us know early on. Prepare to zone out on Essos as we get even more disappointed in Bravvos.

We start to get a sad glimpse into what Arya’s storyline will look like this season. I have a feeling we will be waiting a long time for something interesting to happen. Looks like she’s going to spend the entire season blind, and getting beaten. I’m sure by the end of the season we will have an expert assassin who is ready to go out into the world and get some revenge, but until that happens I think we are in for a boring streak.

Back to the action in Westeros. Trystane and his father are our first ‘main character’ deaths this season. Unfortunately it looks like we haven’t seen the last of the worst character development ever, and we will be stuck with more sand snake scenes. They kill Trystane, and then kill his father in a mutiny that didn’t make a whole lot of sense. The entirety of what makes the Dorne storyline good in the books is being thrown out the window with poor acting and character development. Looks like the moronic sand snakes will be trying to lead Dorne into battle with the Lannisters.

No sign of Tommen this episode, so it’s safe to assume he is probably off in a courtyard somewhere being the worst ruler ever and playing with Ser Pounce. We do get to hear that he ‘misses’ Margaery, as the High Sparrow let’s her know, while reminding her she better get her shit together and confess. Loras isn’t seen, but Margaery asks after his well being which we are told is ‘fine’. I will predict now that the Lannisters will want to go to war, but the Tyrells won’t help out until Margaery and Loras are free. Cersei might have to let this revenge on the young queen slide to get what she really wants (which is everyone in Dorne dead).

Speaking of Cersei, she continues to be one of the best characters on the show. We hate her, we love her, we feel for her, we laugh at her alcoholism, and her witty comments. It’s quite heartbreaking to see her reaction when she gets excited about seeing Myrcella, only to be greeted with her coffin. After all she’s been through she thought she might have something good left. Jamie and her embrace and speak of a new house motto called “Lannisters: Fuck Everyone Who Isn’t Us”. Jaime says they are the only people who matter (Tommen who?), and they will work together to destroy all their enemies.

Up in the north we get a sweet moment with Ramsey where he reminisces over the dead body of his psychotic girlfriend. He talks about how they met, how she was fearless, and watch as he requests that since she is good meat she gets fed to the dogs. This ‘almost, kind of moment of humanity’ has been brought to you by Ramsey Bolton: Unredeemable in all of our eyes, yet still making us laugh. What a guy.

No word on Stannis, but I think we can assume that ship has sailed, and that daughter burning psycho is dead by the large, but capable hands of Brienne. Shame we didn’t get to see it.

Moving on to our best character of the week announcement: Brienne of Tarth! After an entire season of having no one to pledge her sword to, stupid Sansa Stark has finally accepted it. Just as it seems she will be dragged back to Ramsey, and Theon will be dead, Pod and BADASS FEARLESS LOYAL WARRIOR, BRIENNE OF TARTH come out of nowhere and slay the Bolton men. The most satisfying scene we’ve had in a LONG time. Finally some good news. Looks like Theon, Brienne, Pod, and Sansa are the new fantastic four. Can’t wait to see how this storyline progresses. It’s safe to say that all the help Sansa asked for from Reek has been redeemed in Theon becoming himself again. And Brienne once again is redeemed in finally getting to pledge herself to Sansa Stark . Easily the best moment of the episode.

Boob alert! First of the season, and it’s a two for one deal. It seems that The Red Woman has been keeping beautiful all these years through her faith. She seems to have given up completely in her quest to see Azor Ahai reborn. Having figured out she sucks ass at predicting the future, Melisandre takes off her clothes (boobs #1), and stone necklace and we see her true form (boobs #2). Unfortunately it is that of a very old woman. It seems that without the faith, she is nothing more than an old shell of herself. She goes to lay down without the stone or her faith, presumably hoping to die. WILL SOMEONE GO REVIVE HER? SHE NEEDS TO SAVE JON SNOW.

Jon Snow is dead. For now. His remaining loyal Nights Watch bring him to Davos’ room who is pretty shocked as to what has gone down. We all felt the feels when Ghost was howling into the dawn at Jon being dead. Davos gets himself and five others to hole up with Jon’s body and Ghost, to come up with a plan. It looks like they might be enlisting the help of the Wildlings to take over Castle Black and kill the traitors. With that smug look on stupid Olly’s face this episode, we can only hope that Ghost ends up eating his face off. Slowly.

Fingers crossed for some Bran Stark action next episode. I have a feeling this is where the flashback to Ned Stark’s younger days will take place, through the weirwood visions.

Overall it was a great kick off to what sure is to be a great season, but still a bit of a disappointment for the great characters stuck in Essos.