A Recap of Thrones: Season Six, Episode One: The Red Woman
By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)
A strong beginning to what is sure to be a spectacular season. Two meaningful deaths, two pairs of boobs (sort of), and two people redeemed.
Let’s start east of Westeros, in Essos.
Dany is stuck with an entire horde of Dothraki on a long walk through what we can only presume is the Dothraki Sea (called so because of the tall grass that ripples in the wind). Of course being white and blonde, the men doubt she can speak their language. The men walking by her suggest sexual things in Dothraki, and when Dany is finally introduced to the Kahl she impresses him with all that Dorthraki she has up her sleeve with a look of, ‘Yeah I heard you asking if the carpets match the drapes.’ Dany plays her cards too early, admitting that she is the widow of a Kahl as well as, you know, queen of everything ever. It seems that she will get special treatment and a ride back to Mereen for a moment, but come on, these are the same people that poured liquid gold on her brother’s head, and made her eat the heart of a stallion like it was a giant gummy bear. They will be sending her to the holy temple where all widowed Khalessi live out their days. Yawn. Can we fast forward through this storyline?
Jorah and ‘that guy Dany is sleeping with’ find the ring she dropped when the Dothraki circled her at the end of season five. Not much happens here except ‘that guy Dany is sleeping with’ brags to Jorah about how he is totally getting some, and Jorah watches his grayscale progress and his venture into the friend zone.
Tyrion and Vary’s walk around Mereen without guards, which seemed a little hard to believe considering the state of Mereen last we saw it. Looks like the Lord of Light cult has found its way into Mereen as the two walk in on a prayer session. The last thing we need is another Red Woman predicting the wrong future. The best humor of course is in this scene, and the quote of the episode goes to Vary’s who says that Tyrion ‘walks like a rich person’, which now is impossible to ignore. Their bit ends with the harbor of Mereen on fire, with no great explanation as to how or why that has happened. Looks like no one important is leaving Essos this season. At least the writers are letting us know early on. Prepare to zone out on Essos as we get even more disappointed in Bravvos.
We start to get a sad glimpse into what Arya’s storyline will look like this season. I have a feeling we will be waiting a long time for something interesting to happen. Looks like she’s going to spend the entire season blind, and getting beaten. I’m sure by the end of the season we will have an expert assassin who is ready to go out into the world and get some revenge, but until that happens I think we are in for a boring streak.
Back to the action in Westeros. Trystane and his father are our first ‘main character’ deaths this season. Unfortunately it looks like we haven’t seen the last of the worst character development ever, and we will be stuck with more sand snake scenes. They kill Trystane, and then kill his father in a mutiny that didn’t make a whole lot of sense. The entirety of what makes the Dorne storyline good in the books is being thrown out the window with poor acting and character development. Looks like the moronic sand snakes will be trying to lead Dorne into battle with the Lannisters.
No sign of Tommen this episode, so it’s safe to assume he is probably off in a courtyard somewhere being the worst ruler ever and playing with Ser Pounce. We do get to hear that he ‘misses’ Margaery, as the High Sparrow let’s her know, while reminding her she better get her shit together and confess. Loras isn’t seen, but Margaery asks after his well being which we are told is ‘fine’. I will predict now that the Lannisters will want to go to war, but the Tyrells won’t help out until Margaery and Loras are free. Cersei might have to let this revenge on the young queen slide to get what she really wants (which is everyone in Dorne dead).
Speaking of Cersei, she continues to be one of the best characters on the show. We hate her, we love her, we feel for her, we laugh at her alcoholism, and her witty comments. It’s quite heartbreaking to see her reaction when she gets excited about seeing Myrcella, only to be greeted with her coffin. After all she’s been through she thought she might have something good left. Jamie and her embrace and speak of a new house motto called “Lannisters: Fuck Everyone Who Isn’t Us”. Jaime says they are the only people who matter (Tommen who?), and they will work together to destroy all their enemies.
Up in the north we get a sweet moment with Ramsey where he reminisces over the dead body of his psychotic girlfriend. He talks about how they met, how she was fearless, and watch as he requests that since she is good meat she gets fed to the dogs. This ‘almost, kind of moment of humanity’ has been brought to you by Ramsey Bolton: Unredeemable in all of our eyes, yet still making us laugh. What a guy.
No word on Stannis, but I think we can assume that ship has sailed, and that daughter burning psycho is dead by the large, but capable hands of Brienne. Shame we didn’t get to see it.
Moving on to our best character of the week announcement: Brienne of Tarth! After an entire season of having no one to pledge her sword to, stupid Sansa Stark has finally accepted it. Just as it seems she will be dragged back to Ramsey, and Theon will be dead, Pod and BADASS FEARLESS LOYAL WARRIOR, BRIENNE OF TARTH come out of nowhere and slay the Bolton men. The most satisfying scene we’ve had in a LONG time. Finally some good news. Looks like Theon, Brienne, Pod, and Sansa are the new fantastic four. Can’t wait to see how this storyline progresses. It’s safe to say that all the help Sansa asked for from Reek has been redeemed in Theon becoming himself again. And Brienne once again is redeemed in finally getting to pledge herself to Sansa Stark . Easily the best moment of the episode.
Boob alert! First of the season, and it’s a two for one deal. It seems that The Red Woman has been keeping beautiful all these years through her faith. She seems to have given up completely in her quest to see Azor Ahai reborn. Having figured out she sucks ass at predicting the future, Melisandre takes off her clothes (boobs #1), and stone necklace and we see her true form (boobs #2). Unfortunately it is that of a very old woman. It seems that without the faith, she is nothing more than an old shell of herself. She goes to lay down without the stone or her faith, presumably hoping to die. WILL SOMEONE GO REVIVE HER? SHE NEEDS TO SAVE JON SNOW.
Jon Snow is dead. For now. His remaining loyal Nights Watch bring him to Davos’ room who is pretty shocked as to what has gone down. We all felt the feels when Ghost was howling into the dawn at Jon being dead. Davos gets himself and five others to hole up with Jon’s body and Ghost, to come up with a plan. It looks like they might be enlisting the help of the Wildlings to take over Castle Black and kill the traitors. With that smug look on stupid Olly’s face this episode, we can only hope that Ghost ends up eating his face off. Slowly.
Fingers crossed for some Bran Stark action next episode. I have a feeling this is where the flashback to Ned Stark’s younger days will take place, through the weirwood visions.
Overall it was a great kick off to what sure is to be a great season, but still a bit of a disappointment for the great characters stuck in Essos.