A RECAP OF THRONES: S07 E04: THE SPOILS OF WAR

A Recap of Thrones: Season Seven, Episode Four: The Spoils of War

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

Ummm…holy shit. Let’s get started because we have a lot to cover.

Cersei is talking with Tycho, the head of the Iron Bank, about her debt being paid ASAP. She says Jaime is gonna bring it soon and Tycho is a little sad because she no longer will owe anything to them. Cersei still needs a bigger army and weapons so Tycho tells her he can help her with an outside investment. Cersei mentions that Qyburn has made overtures to the Golden Company, a group of sellswords, in Essos. Essentially Cersei wants to hire the sellswords to help expand her military and take back certain regions, and Tycho pledges the Bank’s full support….as soon as he gets his money.

Petyr gives Three Eyed Bran the dagger that was almost used to assassinate him in season one after he saw Jaime and Cersei getting it on. Bran doesn’t really give a fuck about any of that shit though and as Petyr leaves, Meera enters. After her brother dies for him, and she drags his ass all over the seven fucking kingdoms and beyond she says she should probably go home now. Bran is like….yeah you do that. Meera is understandably a little pissed, but in a way understands. Bran died in that cave beyond the wall, and now he’s three eyed Bran. He’s seen so much shit that he can barely remember who he is. He is essentially 3EB, which is also the way the band Third Eye Blind like to spell their name sometimes so that’s kind of weird, but I’m gonna go with it from now on when we refer to Bran….I mean 3EB.

Arya shows up and it seems as if she will never get past the gates….SOMETHING will go wrong, but she makes her way down to the crypts after she tells some guards to tell Sansa she’s here. Sansa knows where to find her and they reunited amongst the bones of their dead father. It’s heartwarming, but also strange. Three of the Starks are back at Winterfell, together, and it should be a happy moment, but instead it feels off. They’ve all been through so much collectively that they aren’t the same people anymore. Even Jon has come back from the fucking dead. Sansa tells Arya that Bran is back, but he’s weird AF so watch out. Arya and Sansa meet with 3EB by the weirwood. 3EB gives Arya his valyrian steel dagger that once tried to kill him (nice, it can be used to kill white walkers!) and they have a weird conversation. Later, Arya spars with Brienne and is a formidable opponent. It’s pretty amazing. Sansa watches from afar, pretty disturbed that her sister is a killing machine and her brother is a fucking know it all zombie essentially. Petyr looks on wondering I’m sure how he can use Sansa’s unease to his advantage.

Jon asks Daenerys to follow him into the cave full of valyrian steel and she looks as if she’s hoping he’ll show her his dick. No luck though as Jon shows her petroglyph’s in the cave depicting the first men (humans) and the children of the forest (those creepy creatures/children north of the wall also the first beings ever apparently) fighting together against the White Walkers. Jon’s like, “You want evidence that you need to help me, bitch? Well here it is!” Dany says she will help Jon fight them if he bends the knee. Omg Dany you’re all going to die, just let it go and help! Jon seems convinced though that it’s worth bending the knee if he can save his people. Prediction! Jon bends, the people are pissed, and this is how Littlefinger turns Jon’s men against him. Then of course Dany fights back with dragons and they all give up and kill Littlefinger (in my dreams).

When they emerge out of the ‘I wish we had had sex in there’ cave, Tyrion is around with more bad news about how his plan did not work. Dany is ready to go with her dragons and burn the Red Keep to the ground. She asks Jon what he thinks she should do, and he says that’s not the way and she kind of agrees. Maybe that’s not the right location she needs to strike.

Davos asks Jon what he thinks of Dany. Jon says she has a good heart, and Davos says he didn’t realize he was checking out her heart. Bow Chicka Wow Wow. It’s so happening. As they’re talking they see a Greyjoy ship approaching and they go down to the beach and Jon watching in disbelief as Theon disembarks the boat. Remember that Theon killed all his childhood friends at Winterfell when he took it, then he burned two innocent children making Jon think it was his brothers, and he essentially betrayed him. THEN of course, he also helped Sansa escape Ramsey’s clutches so Jon tells him that’s the only reason he’s not beating the shit out of him right now. Theon says he came to ask Dany to save his sister, and Jon says she’s not there. So where is she?

Now it’s time for an epic unexpected battle…INVOLVING DRAGONS. It’s a weird battle though because for the first time since Blackwater Bay we have people we like (Bronn and Jaime) fighting against people we like (Dany, Dragons and Tyrion). Jaime is marching back with his men from conquering Highgarden. Bron still wants his castle and for some reason Jaime is being a dick about it. Unfortunately, the gold has gone ahead of them to King’s Landing and has arrived safely. Most of the army is gone, but Jaime and Bron are with the stragglers when they suddenly hear a fuck ton of hooves. They form the line like a normal battle as they see the Dothraki approach in great numbers. Where have these Dothraki been? Not to be a spoilsport, but Dragonstone is pretty small and I haven’t seen thousands of horses and Dothraki just roaming around.

Anyway, Bronn is a bit worried, but he thinks they can take the Dothraki….until Dany shows up riding a dragon and Drokaris’ the shit out of them. Things are looking pretty smoky for the Lannister’s until Bron goes to find the Dragon slaying crossbow that miraculously has managed to not burn in a wagon. He points it at the sky and shoots the dragon in the chest. The dragon turns around and burns the crossbow to the ground, but has to land because its injured. Dany climbs off of it to take the arrow out of it and Jaime sees her vulnerable on the ground. Tyrion sees Jamie and tells him to ‘flee you idiot. You fucking idiot’ under his breath. He rides toward Dany instead with a spear ready to go. At the last moment, the dragon sees him and shoots fire at him, but someone (Bron?) pushes him off his horse and out of the way at the last moment. They fall into a small lake and the episode ends as we see Jaime sink to the bottom.

Is the dragon okay? Is Jaime okay? Is Bron okay? Will Dany kill the rest of the Lannisters? Will Tyrion vouch for his brother? Can they all just agree that Cersei is a cunt and get along? Most importantly, is the dragon okay?

Best quotes this week:

• Sansa: You shouldn’t have run from the guards

Arya: I didn’t run, you need better guards.

• Davos: What do you think of her [referring to Daenerys]

Jon: I think she has a good heart

Davos: A good heart? I’ve noticed you staring at her good heart

• Brienne: You can’t use that my lady it’s too small

Arya: Don’t worry I won’t hurt you

Brienne: I’ll try not to

• Jaime: Rickon.

Dickon: Dickon.

Bronn: *Laughs hysterically*

• Bronn: Men shit themselves when they die. Didn’t they teach you that at fancy lad school?