Twin Sneaks

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 9: Twin Peaks & Fire Walk With Me

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 9

‘Twin Peaks & Fire Walk With Me’

Our ninth episode is here! This week, we talk the first two seasons of Twin Peaks, and the pseudo-prequel, Fire Walk With Me. We also discuss the upcoming third season! Check it out on all your favorite apps below! As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

iTunes – https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cinemabysmal/id1153464020?mt=2

Google Play Music – https://play.google.com/music/m/Irjld24rxpsi22hdnugilmxh57u?t=CinemAbysmal

SoundCloud – https://soundcloud.com/cinemabysmal/09-twin-peaks-fire-walk-with

Stitcher – http://www.stitcher.com/s?eid=50084645&refid=asa

Spreaker – http://www.spreaker.com/show/cinemabysmals-show

You can also find us on BeyondPod! Just search for CinemAbysmal.

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Twin Sneaks – Volume Four: Season One – Episodes 7-8

Welcome to Twin Sneaks! I started this column about a year ago, but stopped watching the show as I wanted to wait until the new Season 3 was closer. What I’m hoping to do here is recap all the episodes for you guys leading up to the new premiere on May 21st (EEEEEK!!) After that, I’ll continue to recap the new episodes for you, and have them ready to go every Monday or Tuesday! There will, of course, be SPOILERS in these recaps, so please stop reading (or don’t, I’m not you mom) and WATCH THE DAMN SHOW ON NETFLIX, YOU JERK!

Twin Peaks – Season One: Episodes 7-8

Recap by Nick Spanjer

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Episode 7: Realization Time

Directed by Caleb Deschanel

Written by Harley Peyton

We begin where we left off, with Audrey naked in Cooper’s bed. They have a conversation about Audrey’s age and Cooper basically explains he can’t bone her because he’s an agent in the FBI, not because she’s in high school. Come on, Coop. They agree to be friends and Cooper strangely tells her that he’s going to get malts and fries for the two of them while she gets dressed. The next morning at the Sheriff’s station, Andy and Lucy are still having trouble. He walks away from her like Charlie Brown when the phone rings, and she talks to her doctor about something apparently very depressing. Cooper walks in joyfully, playing some kind of wood flute, and honestly, if you didn’t know any better, you would really think he just got laid.

Doc Heyward is in the meeting room with Truman and the bird that bit Laura, Waldo. Since it hasn’t been fed since the night Laura died, it’s physically exhausted and can’t mimic at the moment. Doc tries to get Cooper to feed the bird, to which Cooper replies, “I don’t like birds.” Hawk walks in with a folder and a report confirms that Laura, Ronette Pulaski, and Leo were at Jacques’ cabin. There is also a picture inside of Waldo sitting on Laura’s shoulder, that either Jacques or Leo took. Cooper places his voice activated recorder underneath the birdcage and awaits Waldo to talk. They determine that the plastic inside Laura’s stomach was in fact, part of the poker chip from One Eyed Jack’s. They point out that Jacques is a dealer there and plan a trip over the Canadian border to see him. Since it’s out of the law’s jurisdiction, Cooper oddly suggests that it’s a ‘job for the Bookhouse Boys,’ even though he seems like a pretty hard by the book type of dude. Whatever.

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Over at the Johnson dump, an injured Leo watches Bobby walk up to the house through binoculars. He’s listening to a police scanner and pulls out a rifle to shoot him, but Bobby walks in the house. Shelly tells him crying that she shot Leo, and she’s worried that he’s going to kill her now. Bobby tells her that he’s going to handle Leo, and includes James for some reason, like she fucking cares and then they make out. Leo hears Lucy talking about Waldo over the police scanner and gets back in his truck and pulls away angrily. Over at the Palmer’s, Donna, James, and Maddy listen to the tape they found in Laura’s room. You get an idea of how fucked up Laura really was as she mentions to Jacoby that she knows he likes her. They discover that there is a tape missing from the night she died and assume Jacoby had something to do with it. They plan to break into his office to get the tape.

At Horne’s Department Store, Audrey is slangin’ that perfume to an old woman that can’t make up her mind. The lady gets short with her after Audrey suggests she hangs the bottle around her neck. Audrey leaves the counter for a moment to go to a back room and tells a guy that looks like he fell out of a Norman Rockwell painting that there was a bus accident outside, so he runs away in 1950’s chivalrous glee. Audrey sneaks into the slob Battis’ office and lights a cigarette like she owns the fucking place. She hides in the closet when she hears him coming, still smoking by the way (WHAT?) and watches him give the perfume counter girl, Jenny, a glass unicorn. It’s revealed she works at One Eyed Jack’s and he presents her with the opportunity to be an escort there. She says, “That sounds cool, as long as they’re wealthy,” and our theme of ‘Old dudes fucking high school chicks in Twin Peaks’ continues. When they leave, Audrey comes out of the closet and finds Ronette Pulaski’s name in Battis’ little black book. Jenny forgot her glass unicorn, so Audrey grabs it on her way out.

At the RR, Hank is discussing prison life with an uninterested Shelly. He manages to get it out of her that Big Ed Hurley helped out quite a bit while he was behind bars. Truman and Cooper walk in right after Hank steals a lighter from a customer at the counter. Truman is there to check in on his parole and you can tell there is some bad blood between them. Shelly asks the boys if they want coffee and after Truman resists, Cooper has one of the best lines in the show. “Harry, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Every day, once a day, give yourself a present. Don’t plan it, don’t wait for it, just let it happen. Could be a new shirt at the men’s store, a catnap in the office chair, or…two cups of good, hot, black coffee.” I love Parks and Recreation, but this was truly the first incarnation of TREAT YOSELF.

At Horne’s, Audrey convinces Jenny that she had the same type of meeting with Battis. She shows Jenny the unicorn she took from Battis’ desk and sways her to give her the number for the head mistress at One Eyed Jacks. Audrey immediately picks up the phone and calls the number. Over at the Hurley’s, Nadine is watching Invitation to Love  as the nerdy Chet shoots the bully Montana. Ed walks in and Nadine begins crying because her patent for the silent drape runners was not accepted. The sappy, soap opera music for Invitation to Love ramps up on the TV as Ed hugs her and melodramatically says, “Don’t you give up! Don’t you dare!”

At the Martell compound, Truman is looking at a mounted bass trophy that Pete caught when Josie Grossie walks in, dressed in some kind of flannel shirt robe bullshit. He asks what she was doing at the motel when they found the One Armed Man, and she plays stupid. He presses her and she tells him that Ben and Catherine are planning a conspiracy by burning the mill down. Later that night at The Great Northern, a tuxedo’d Cooper walks in to meet Truman and Big Ed. He hands Big Ed and Truman $10,000 that the FBI gave him so they can gamble at One Eyed Jack’s to fit in. Truman tells Cooper about his Josie Grossie worries since that last revelation, and that he believes what she’s saying is true. Cooper asks “How much do you know about her?,” clearly not believing the gross things coming out of her mouth. Truman tells Cooper that he got a new Cadillac for their cover and that they’re “High Rollers from the Tri-Cities. Oral surgeons, Harry. Big spenders, vacationing among the firs.”

Sidenote: If you’re from the Pacific Northwest, you know that there aren’t really any high-rollers from the Tri-Cities.

As they leave, Audrey walks out to tell Cooper what she learned concerning One Eyed Jack’s, but the boys already left. Back at the Martell’s, some kind of insurance agent is meeting with Catherine to discuss her life insurance. She notices that $1 million will go to Josie if she dies, and gets suddenly worried, asking the agent to leave so she can discuss it with her lawyer. She checks the desk next to her bed and notices that the second ledger is now missing. At The Great Northern, Audrey leaves a note under Cooper’s door. Back at the Sheriff’s station, the boys are getting ready by putting on wires and applying disguises. A rainstorm hits when Waldo, now refreshed, begins talking in Laura’s voice (yeah, alright). A gunshot rings out and the boys run into the room where Waldo is, to find him shot and killed. Leo runs out of the rain into his truck with a rifle. Motherfucker killed Waldo, yo. As Waldo’s blood drips on the donuts, Truman points out, “They shot Waldo.” Cooper plays back the tape and hears Waldo in Laura’s voice yelling, “Stop it! Leo, no!”

The boys arrive at One Eyed Jack’s, and the head mistress, Blackie, immediately greets them. Because, you know, they’re high rollers. From the Tri-Cities. For some reason, Cooper tells her that their names are Barney and Fred, like that’s a good cover. I’d like to point out that they also took the time to give Cooper glasses, and Big Ed a fucking mustache and Soul-Glo hair from Coming to America, but Cooper decided that fucking ‘Barney and Fred,’ of the fucking Flintstones was somehow good cover. Anyway, Cooper and Ed head into the gambling room to find Jacques.

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Back at the Palmer’s place, Maddy is sneaking downstairs so she can meet with the Youth Sleuths, Donna and James, and break into Jacoby’s office. An especially creeptastic Leland Palmer is sitting silently in the dark and watches Maddy sneak out. Hug Me James is waiting in some park where he made out with Donna earlier, and sees Maddy get out of the car looking exactly like Laura in a blonde wig. Donna, in her Nancy Fucking Drew hat, sees them look at each other and gets annoyingly jealous, and fuck man, is this story line over yet? No? Shit. At The Great Northern, the Icelanders are singing in Ben’s office, while Jerry holds an enormous pine cone. Jerry tells Ben that they want to finalize the Ghostwood development deal at One Eyed Jack’s. Ben calls Josie Grossie and tells her that Catherine needs to be at the mill. Hank is sitting right by Josie as Ben calls.

At One Eyed Jack’s, Audrey walks in to meet with Blackie. Audrey puts on a show by calling herself Hester Prynne, saying she was from Calgary. Blackie doesn’t believe her and makes her prove herself, so Audrey ties a knot out of a cherry stem with her tongue. Again. High school girl. Blackie is impressed and hires her. I remember the first time watching this with my ex-wife years ago, and she said she could do it, and that it was really not that impressive when people could do that. I asked her prove it and she did, so either it really isn’t that impressive, or my ex was Audrey Horne-talented.

In the poker room, the boys are playing Blackjack when Jacques Renault walks up to the table that Cooper is playing at. At Jacoby’s office, the Dr. is watching Invitation to Love, when Maddy calls pretending to be Laura. He takes the bait and walks to his door, finding an envelope. He pulls out a VHS tape and plays it, seeing the spitting image of Laura holding an edition of that day’s paper. He picks the phone back up and Maddy tells him to meet her at the park. When Maddy hangs up the phone, Bobby is creeping in the bushes watching, and sees James ride off. Crazy thing is, someone is watching Bobby watching, so we’ve got that triple layer shit going down!

Jacoby watches the tape again and notices the gazebo from the park, and runs out of his office, getting in his car. The Youth Sleuths see him leave and run up to his office, while Bobby, still creeping, puts a bag of coke in Hug Me James’ bike’s gas tank. “Say goodbye, James.” Whoever the creep is in the park is watching Maddy alone and the episode ends.

 

Episode 8: The Last Evening

Directed by Mark Frost

Written by Mark Frost

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Ah, the Season One finale. Something strange happens between the first and second seasons of Twin Peaks. It’s hard to pinpoint. Perhaps it’s David Lynch’s sudden disinterest as he exited to make Wild at Heart, or the pressures of the network for Frost and Lynch to answer the whodunnit, but in ways, this is the episode in which Twin Peaks lost its innocence. I personally, am a big fan of some of the darkness in the second season, but will admittedly be among the first to speak to its far too often absolute trashiness. More to come, but really, the show could have gone a much different direction after this finale. Anyway, let’s get into it.

The Youth Sleuths are digging around Jacoby’s office, mostly stunned to find tiny umbrellas that Jacoby saved from his many adventures. Donna grabs a coconut from the decorative tree and opens it to find the missing tape along with the other half of the Best Friends necklace. James and Donna ride off after taking the tape and the necklace and Bobby watches them leave. Jacoby arrives at the park and sees Maddy dressed as Laura when the creep who was behind Bobby at the end of the last episode clubs him in the head, effectively causing a heart attack.

At One Eyed Jack’s, Cooper begins talking to Jacques. He turns down one of the escorts, which is weird, because she’s probably in high school. Cooper presents Jacques with the broken poker chip (the one that fell out of the cuckoo clock and had a piece missing in Laura’s stomach), and Cooper says he’s a friend of Leo’s. Jacques plays dumb so Cooper asks if he can buy him a drink. Up in Blackie’s office, Blackie is playing with tarot cards, because that’s a typical thing to do, when Audrey walks in all skimpy and escort-like. Audrey looks down and sees Cooper on the security monitor that’s sitting on Blackie’s desk while she presents herself to Blackie. Blackie tells Audrey that all the new girls get to meet the owners on her first night, but Audrey doesn’t know that the owners are her dad and uncle, and wow, it gets weird here. She tells Audrey to pick a card from a poker deck, so Blackie has playing cards and tarot cards in front of her at this point, and what the fuck. Audrey picks the Queen of Hearts, of course.

In the surveillance van outside of One Eyed Jack’s, Hawk and Big Ed are listening in on Jacques and Cooper through Cooper’s wire. Cooper tries to get Jacques to talk about Leo by making up a story that Leo is playing Jacques for a fool. He mentions Laura, and Jacques tries to leave. Cooper convinces Jacques that he’s financing the drug running out of Canada, so Jacques stays to talk. Cooper gets Jacques to do a drug run that night for $10K by meeting him at a power plant. Once Jacques finishes his drink, Cooper nonchalantly asks about the night with Laura at his cabin. Jacques warms up and mentions that the bird had a thing for Laura by biting her and saying her name constantly. He mentions that himself, Laura, Ronette Pulaski, and Leo were in the cabin, high. He says Laura was tied up and Waldo began pecking at her, causing her to scream. Jacques then mentions, horrifically, as the camera zooms in on his obese mouth, that Leo jammed the chip in her mouth as he was (from what it sounds like) raping her.

In her dressing room of the brothel at One Eyed Jack’s, Audrey is waiting. Back at the Johnson toilet bowl, Shelly walks into her kitchen to wash her hair with dish soap in the sink, because at some point, she decided to marry Leo Johnson, and this is the life you get. She gets soap in her eye and as she grabs for the towel, it gets pulled away by Leo. He grabs her and begins yelling that she made him do it. Over at the power plant that Cooper told Jacques to meet him at for the drug run, Truman and Andy are waiting for Jacques to show up, and discuss Andy’s problems with Lucy. Hawk and Truman have a really uncomfortably long back and forth over the radio, using fishing references to let each other know that Jacques was on the way, then see Jacques roll up in some kind of El Camino thing. They ambush Jacques and Truman tells him he’s under arrest for Laura’s murder. Jacques momentarily incapacitates his arresting officer and steals his gun, pointing it at Truman. Andy shoots Jacques, thus saving Sheriff Truman’s life, and suddenly, StellAndy has his groove back.

At the Heyward’s house, the Youth Sleuths listen to the tape they got from Jacoby’s coconut. On the tape, Laura calls James dumb and his fivehead visibly expands. She also mentions that she got off on almost being killed by her “mystery man,” and Hug Me James needs a hug as he hears that this mystery man drives a red corvette. As the tape ends, Doc Heyward tells Donna that there is an emergency at the hospital and he needs to go. Donna consoles James for being called dumb and he says that it’s OK and he needed to hear it. Something tells me he’s used to it. The Youth Sleuths agree that Jacoby was trying to help Laura, not kill her.

At the Packard Sawmill, Leo is loading in gas cans and looks over at his tied up wife, Shelly. He picks up some kind of Kevin McCallister apparatus that is hooked to a kitchen timer and sets it, telling her again that her death is all her doing. He also mentions that he’s going to kill Bobby. He screams, “You broke my HEART!” like only Leo Johnson can and slams the door. Over at the Hurley’s place, Nadine is in some kind of Disney princess dress and pours out a cocktail of about 50 pills. She pours a glass of water and says goodbye. At the Martell’s, Hank receives a suitcase full of money from Josie Grossie for all that he missed out on in prison. Josie is one nasty cat, as they clearly made some kind of deal over something that happened before he went to prison. He tries to snake more money out of her by suggesting that he took the fall for Josie’s murder of her late husband Andrew Packard (owner of the Packard sawmill that Josie inherited). They go back and forth for a while, while Hank keeps quoting things that he read in jail, and he ends up slicing their thumbs and they become blood brothers or some shit, but holy hell – Mark Frost has this amazing shot where Hank talks for about a minute straight with a mounted buck’s horns filmed right above his head. It’s ridiculous. Another Twin Peaks signature moment.

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Back at the mill, Catherine is digging around in the Accounting office for the ledger. Pete walks in concerned, and she asks him where it is, convinced he’s helping Josie. She asks him to forgive her for being awful, and takes advantage of his kindness. He falls for it and hugs her. At the Sheriff’s department, the boys are recounting Andy shooting Jacques in heroic fashion, while Lucy listens nearby. Her boner comes through the TV 3D style, so Andy chases her into a closet and closes the door. As he kisses her, she pushes him away for a moment and tells him she’s pregnant. Andy, horrified, opens the closet door and walks away without saying a word. Lucy is clearly pissed, when the phone rings. Bobby is pretending to be Leo and tells Lucy to tell the sheriff that James Hurley is an “easy rider.”

At the hospital, Cooper and Truman are interviewing a recovering Jacques Renault about Laura and Ronette the night Laura died. He tells them that he took the pictures for Flesh World but it was their idea to become paid escorts. He and Leo got into a fight because Leo smashed a whiskey bottle into Jacques for no reason, and that’s why their blood was all over the scene and on Leo’s shirt. He passed out that night and everyone had left the cabin by the time he awoke. In another room, Jacoby is recovering from his heart attack on a bed. Doc Heyward mentions that Jacoby said he got a phone call from Laura Palmer and was jumped on his way to see her. Over at the Martell’s, Catherine is frantically searching their library for the ledger while Pete finds his high school yearbook. The phone rings and on the other end, Hank tells Catherine that what she’s looking for is at the mill. She grabs a gun and leaves for the mill.

At the RR, Hank is telling Norma about prison and how he dreamed of her while locked up. He hams it up about how he’s going to change for her, and she for some reason believes all this shit and kisses him. Big Ed gets home and finds Nadine crumpled into a mess on the floor and freaks out, calling 911. At the Sheriff’s department, the boys arrive back and Lucy tells them about “Leo” calling. She tells him that she heard a clock striking in the background, and Cooper and Truman put together that it was the same park from where Jacoby was attacked. Hug Me James walks in, and before he can speak, Cooper intervenes and tells Harry that he should investigate James’ bike while Cooper talks to James. As they walk away, Leland Palmer walks in, asking about the arrest of the suspect that murdered his daughter, Jacques Renault. Truman tells Leland he can’t tell him anything since Jacques is just a suspect and leaves. Doc Heyward tells Leland to go home, as Leland asks if the Doc is going back to the hospital, to which he replies, no. Leland turns toward the camera, dramatically insane, and utters, “Hospital.”

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Hug Me James gives Cooper the tape that they just listened to, to which Cooper only seems mildly interested. Colonel Fivehead tells Cooper that they need to be looking for someone with a red corvette, when Cooper tells HMJ that Jacoby had a heart attack. James looks surprised and Cooper asks what kind of game he’s playing when Harry walks in with what was planted in his bike by Bobby. Cooper shows James the bag of coke and again, James looks surprised (that’s all he did the whole scene). At One Eyed Jack’s, Ben is signing the Ghostwood contracts with the Icelanders while the high school girls fondle away. As they sign, Hank calls Ben to tell him that all plans are going ahead with the mill, including Catherine’s presence, and that he’s going to give Leo a house call. Ben tells him to proceed.

At the Johnson fart factory, Bobby shows up to the house and Leo suddenly dips out from the shadows. Bobby plays dumb, pretending he is there to see Leo, and Leo is at full crazy in this scene. He knocks Bobby down and swings an axe at him, barely missing Bobby. Leo punches Bobby into the TV and as he goes to swing the axe into him, he’s shot again, this time by Hank Jennings. Leo collapses on the couch and Bobby runs out the door. Leo watches the same episode of Invitation to Love where the nerd shoots the bully. At the mill, Shelly is still tied up when Catherine arrives with her gun ready. She finds Shelly and the McCallister contraption goes off. Really, the timer goes off and a tiny little *boop* explosion happens, slowly starting a fire in the mill. Catherine asks who she is, and in a town this small, you’d think you would know everyone’s name, but whatever.

The fire spreads as Catherine ponders what she needs to do next since she was double-crossed by Ben and Josie Grossie, then lets Shelly down from her bindings. As the mill comes burning down, the two run out of the room before the scene changes to a gloved hand smashing a fire alarm at the hospital. Now, I don’t exactly know medical or hospital protocol, but wouldn’t the patients be the priority in those situations? The fire alarm goes off and the nurses and doctors flee the floor, and that’s always bothered me about this scene. Anyway, the gloved hand turns out to be Leland, as he walks into Jacques’ room and suffocates him to death with a pillow. Bye-bye, Jacques.

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Over at the burning Packard Sawmill, Pete assumes Catherine is inside so runs in to save her. Back at One Eyed Jack’s, Ben completes the signing of the Ghostwood contracts with the Icelanders. He lights a cigar in celebration with Blackie, and asks to have a look at the “new girl.” In her dressing room, Audrey is getting her outfit sewn on by some weird Quasimodo lady, and as Ben walks in, the bent-over lady escapes into some hidden mini-door along the wall. It’s all insanely strange.

Well. Relatively. Ben walks in, not knowing he’s about to bang his high school daughter, when Audrey finally puts it together that the owner of One Eyed Jack’s is her dad. He walks toward the bed smiling and the scene fades out. Back at The Great Northern, Cooper is talking to Diane at 4:30 AM. He notices that the Icelanders have left and is relieved. Cooper opens his door, and sees an envelope on his floor that has ‘My Special Agent’ written on it. The phone rings, and it’s only static. With this comes a knock at the door. He assumes it’s room service, so he tells the person on the other end that he needs to go and sets the phone down. As he walks toward the door, the static clears and Andy’s voice can be heard saying that Leo Johnson has been found and was shot. When Cooper opens the door, he looks up and is shot three times in the chest by a gloved hand. Roll Credits.

I promise I’m going to have the rest of these ready to go for you by the 21st! Sorry. Be sure to listen in to our new Podcast episode on Monday 5/8, as we’ll have the whole Twin Peaks Experience, covering seasons one and two, as well as the movie Fire Walk With Me ready to discuss with special guest, and fellow Peaks Freak, Tyler ‘Street Tang’ Aker!

Twin Sneaks – Volume Three: Season One – Episodes 5-6

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Welcome to Twin Sneaks! I started this column about a year ago, but stopped watching the show as I wanted to wait until the new Season 3 was closer. What I’m hoping to do here is recap all the episodes for you guys leading up to the new premiere on May 21st (EEEEEK!!) After that, I’ll continue to recap the new episodes for you, and have them ready to go every Monday or Tuesday! There will, of course, be SPOILERS in these recaps, so please stop reading (or don’t, I’m not you mom) and WATCH THE DAMN SHOW ON NETFLIX, YOU JERK!

Twin Peaks – Season One: Episodes 5-6

Recap by Nick Spanjer

 

Episode 5: The One-Armed Man

Directed by Tim Hunter

Written by Robert Engels

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This episode begins at the Palmer house, where mother Sarah is giving a description of Bob (the man she had a vision of at the end of Laura’s bed) to Deputy Andy. Donna and Maddy are joining them when Leland comes downstairs and gives his wife shit for having multiple visions. Sarah tells Sheriff Truman about her vision of the necklace being unearthed from the rock. Donna wonders how she knew that. Over at the Sheriff station, Lucy is watching Invitation to Love when the Sheriff and Andy appear. Truman asks where Cooper is and leaves for the conference room, when Andy asks Lucy why he couldn’t spend the night, and welcome to another awful storyline.

Over in the conference room, Cooper is interviewing Dr. Jacoby who is doing tricks with golf balls, and asks if Laura was seeing him because of her cocaine use. Jacoby declines to answer out of doctor/patient confidentiality. He tells Cooper she was having isues when Cooper asks if they were of a sexual nature. One of the best Jacobyisms comes next: “Agent Cooper, the problems of our entire society are of a sexual nature.” Cooper asks if Jacoby was one of the three men that had sex with her the night of her death, and Jacoby declines and tells them that he followed a man in a red corvette into the woods the night after she died. Leo Johnson just happens to drive a little red corvette.

Gordon Cole, Cooper’s superior at the FBI, and all-around badass (played by a hard-of-hearing David Lynch) calls in and notifies Cooper what they found from Laura’s autopsy, including the twine used and the bird bites on her shoulder. He also mentions that Rosenfield has put in to get Truman’s badge taken away for the sucker punch, but Cooper defends the Sheriff. “Harry, the last thing I want you to worry about while I’m here is some city slicker I brought into your town relieving himself upstream.” Deputy Andy walks in with a composite sketch of the man Sarah Palmer saw at the end of her bed, and it’s far too accurate for Andy’s dumb ass. Cooper mentions that it’s the same man he saw in his dream and Andy and Truman are stunned. Deputy Hawk calls in and says that he’s tracked the one armed man to the Timber Falls Motel on the other side of town.

At the motel, Josie Grossie is being a creep and taking pictures from her car of the revulsion of the century, as Catherine and Ben are fucking again. They’re talking about the two ledgers, and gah, I don’t care enough. They see the officers show up as Andy drops his gun and it goes off on the way in. As Ben watches the officers kick the door in, he goes to take a shower (but first he pulls out an Elvis figurine and says he’s going to give Little Elvis a bath), and drops a poker chip to One Eyed Jacks from his pocket. Catherine picks it up.

Over in the One Armed Man’s room, Cooper and Truman ask who he is. His name is Philip Gerard (a light homage to The Fugitive) and he’s a simple shoe salesman. They show him the picture of “Bob” and he doesn’t recognize him. He mentions he does have a friend named Bob the Veterinarian, but he’s currently in a coma. Cooper asks him about his missing arm and if it had a tattoo, and Gerard breaks down and admits it did and said ‘Bob.’ As they leave, Hawk is using his tracking skills and tells Truman that Josie Grossie was already staking out the motel.

Back at the high school, Donna and Audrey share a cigarette in an all too pink bathroom. They discuss Laura’s troubles while she was still alive, and Audrey reveals that Laura was seeing Dr. Jacoby secretly as a patient. She has a feeling that she was also working at One Eyed Jack’s, and that she for sure worked with Ronette Pulaski at Horne’s Department Store perfume counter. Norma visits the prison to meet with her incarcerated shitbag of a husband, Hank. He asks her to back him up in the parole hearing and she actually considers it for some fucking reason. We find out he went to prison for running over and killing a vagrant on the side of the road. The parole board considers his case.

Cooper and Truman head into the Bob the Veterinarian’s office, where a llama is standing inside the waiting room. Cooper shows the composite to the ancient receptionist who confirms the two Bobs are not the same. They walk away from the desk for a moment to discuss Cooper’s motivations at the clinic, when the llama looks directly into Cooper’s face and snorts. Somehow, Maclachlan does not break character, and it’s one of those show-defining moments that Twin Peaks is loved for. Andy walks in with the twine that Gordon Cole described was used to bind Laura, and Cooper asks the near-ghost at the reception desk for every record in the office.

Over at the Johnson catbox, Bobby and Shelly are making out in the gross kitchen. Bobby mentions that Laura was seeing Hug Me James behind his back and wait, what? Wasn’t Bobby fucking Shelly this whole time? Bobby mentions that Leo and Jacques are running coke across the border and that Leo was giving drugs to Laura. Shelly shows Bobby the bloody shirt from Leo’s laundry and he takes it. He tries to leave but she shows him she has a gun and they decide to bone one more time. The troops arrive at the Sheriff station and Truman tells Lucy that he needs all the files that mention birds. Deputy Andy apologizes for dropping the gun and then tells Lucy what happened. She’s short with Andy and he can’t figure out why.

Over in the shooting range, the boys shoot at targets after Cooper mentions he can tell something is wrong with Andy and Lucy. Andy, of course, can’t shoot worth a shit and Cooper insists he practices using his gun. Cooper then mentions he’s never been married in his own Cooper way. “No. I knew someone once who helped me understand commitment, the responsibilities and the risks; who taught me the pain of a broken heart.” He then takes six more shots at a target with his custom made hand cannon. Lucy calls over the intercom and mentions that the files are organized by the names of the pets, not species.

At the RR, Shelly tells Norma that Leo beats her and Norma hardly gives any fucks. “Look at us: two men a piece, and we don’t know what to do with any of the four of them.” Cool life. Hug Me James walks in to use the payphone as Norma mentions to Shelly that they’ll take a salon trip tomorrow to take all that spousal abuse off the mind. Hug Me James calls Donna, who invites him over, but he’s on his period and it turns out he really called Donna for no reason, when he sees Laura’s cousin Maddy for the first time. He puts his fivehead uncomfortably close to this girl that he’s never met, and for some reason she smiles and says hi. They introduce each other and she mentions she’s from Missoula, Montana. They talk about Laura’s parents for a moment and James mentions she looks just like Laura. The phone rings and Norma gets the news that her husband Hank has been paroled. She looks upset BUT YOU GOT HIM OUT BY SAYING HE COULD WORK THERE AND LIVE WITH YOU – GAHHHH!

Over at The Great Northern, Ben is on the phone with new Icelandic investors when Audrey walks in. Audrey asks him if she can help with the family business and turns on the drama about Laura. He takes the bait and decides to let her work at the department store. The whole scene would be pretty touching if she wasn’t actually faking all of this just to impress and try to bang Cooper. As Audrey leaves, the phone rings and Ben asks “where have you been” to the person on the other end. Over at the Sheriff department, the boys are working into the night on the vet’s files. Cole calls in again and mentions that Rosenfield is faxing a reconstruction of the plastic object that was found in Laura’s stomach. He also says the bites on her shoulder were made by a parrot or mynah bird.

Turns out the plastic piece was a poker chip to One Eyed Jacks. Andy finds a file for a mynah bird named Waldo, who happens to be owned by humanesque slug, Jacques Renault. Cooper gets excited: “Gentlemen! When two separate events occur simultaneously pertaining to the same object of inquiry, we must always pay strict attention.” The boys then run over to Jacques’ apartment. Upon the knocking of the door, Bobby looks up. He’s planting Leo’s bloody shirt to try and set up Renault and jumps out the back window. Cooper finds Leo’s bloody shirt (his initials are sewed in) hanging precariously from a drawer.

In the woods, Ben meets with the person who called him and surprise, surprise, it’s none other than Leo ‘Soap Sock’ Johnson. Leo mentions he killed Bernard Renault and motions over to his body by his bright red corvette. Leo mentions that Jacques is back in Canada, so Ben tells Leo to proceed and burn down the mill so Josie Grossie will sell the land, and Catherine and Ben will make out like bandits with the new Ghostwood development. Donna and Hug Me James return to where they buried the other half of the necklace and *gasp*, it’s gone! Sarah Palmer was right! Spooky! As they discuss how spooky Mrs. Palmer is, an owl hoots at them from above, and suddenly, not all is as it seems (rimshot, please). They talk for a second about Laura, the Badalamenti intensifies, and they make out again. We finally come to the end. Josie makes Pete a sandwich at the Martell’s place and Pete asks her if she’ll fish in a tournament with him. He goes to bed when Hank calls Josie Grossie from his last night at the prison, letting her know that he’s getting out as he disgustingly slips a domino in and out of his mouth.

 

Episode 6: Cooper’s Dreams

Directed by Lesli Linka Glatter

Written by Mark Frost

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Cooper is having trouble sleeping at The Great Northern, listening to a group of rowdy Icelanders dancing and singing next door at 4:30 in the morning. This is one of my favorite episodes for Cooper’s character, as he’s very irritable the entire time. Audrey tries to join him for breakfast again and he’s having none of that statutory shit this time around, missy. Just kidding, he asks her how old she is while staring at her creepily, saying, “We’ll see you later, Audrey.” SHE’S IN HIGH SCHOOL, HOMIE!

Jerry Horne walks into Ben’s office, just getting off the flight earlier that morning with the Icelanders. He explains to Ben how excited they are to invest and that he’s also in love with one of the Icelandic women named Heppa (sp?). Ben tells Jerry that they should treat the Icelanders to One Eyed Jack’s when an unkempt Leland Palmer walks in, insisting he’s ready to come back to work. He legitimately looks like he just rolled out of a dumpster, sweating like a methhead in a Wal-Mart bathroom. He collapses on the floor and starts crying.

At Jacques Renault’s apartment, the boys are searching the place when an exhausted Cooper arrives and asks if there are more donuts after checking an empty box. He asks for another cup of coffee and mentions he didn’t sleep much due to the Icelanders. “There’s a large group of insane men staying on my floor.” Cooper looks to the ceiling while Doc Heyward informs him that the blood on Leo’s shirt was AB-; not Laura’s blood. Cooper guesses this is Jacques’ blood when the phone rings again. Andy walks over and gives Cooper a donut and cup of coffee, and like a cell phone coming back to life, Cooper seems suddenly revitalized after one sip. Truman boosts Cooper to the ceiling as Doc Heyward finds out that Renault’s blood was AB-. Cooper seems unimpressed with this revelation, as he pulls down a copy of Flesh World from the ceiling. They open it and find an envelope inside with a Polaroid of a man dressed in drag. “I don’t know, the beard sort of ruins the effect of the lingerie, what do you think Harry?” Again, welcome to 1990. They also see a picture of Leo’s truck inside the magazine.

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Over at Leo’s Fart Dungeon, a freshly showered Shelly (nevermind, they don’t have a god damn shower – they have a kitchen sink) makes breakfast for herself and Bobby. We find out through conversation that Shelly dropped out of the 11th grade and married Leo, so apparently, age ain’t nuthin’ but a number here in Twin Peaks. They basically dry hump at the formica table for a while, while role-playing what they would do if Leo was to walk in at that moment. They hear a car door shut and Bobby runs for the back of the shanty when he sees it’s a deputy. Andy walks in and asks when Leo will be back. Shelly tells Andy that Leo was arguing with Jacques a few nights back about Laura. When Andy leaves, Bobby comes out of whatever shitty half-finished room he was in and they proceed to make out when the phone rings. It’s Leo, saying he’ll be home soon. Bobby slides the gun into Shelly’s hand.

At Big Ed’s Gas Farm, Norma shows up to talk to Ed about Hank getting his parole. Ed and Norma proceed to make their lives shittier by asking each other why they’re still with the people they don’t love and not actually doing anything about it. I suppose it’s heartbreaking, but at this point, they’ve had so many annoying chances to be with each other. If I was friends with these two, I would be so god damn frustrated with them. At Horne’s Department Store, Audrey is discussing her new job with the store’s world class creep manager, Emory Battis. She power grabs the perfume counter job out of him, knowing nepotism will get her anywhere.

Suddenly, we’re in a park by a lake, and Donna is hurriedly approaching Hug Me James about some note he left – because he leaves notes like a 12-year old teenage girl. She hugs Hug Me James and he proceeds to tell her about some really time-sensitive daddy issues. “He was a musician. We were living on the West Coast. He was a bum and ran off on me and my mom. My mom’s a writer. She was really good; poems and short stories. She’s an alcoholic.” Turns out his mom is actually kind of a hooker. K. Thanks, James. Glad you left me a note and made me go all the way to this fucking park to tell me this really fucking pressing matter. They hug and kiss and the music gets crazy and jesus, this story line man.

Back at Jacques’ apartment, the Forensic team is investigating and they’re all eating donuts. Sleepy Cooper takes a bite and opens a cabinet, noticing a picture of a cabin taped on the inside with red drapes. They find both Ronette and Laura’s ads in Flesh World and notice the return address on the envelope is to Jacques’ cabin in the woods: the one taped to the inside of the cabinet. At the RR, a newly paroled Hank plugs the jukebox when Maddy comes in to meet James and Donna. Welcome to yet another, really awful storyline. I have no illusions about a lot of Twin Peaks just being really awful. In the long run, to me though, the good outweighs the bad. So, if you’re reading this, you probably just deal with it like I do. I suggest making fun of it as much as possible. It really seems to help.

Anyway, back to this nearly pointless scene in which the Junior Detective Agency is formed. They mention that Laura was in trouble before she died (fucking, duh) and that they want Maddy to help. Maddy agrees to help the youthy sleuths and mentions that the day before Laura died, she felt like she was in trouble. They get up to leave like, four seconds after they sat down and she leaves the Cherry Coke that she asked James to get her without even opening the straw. This is ‘Kevin McCallister Not Touching His Macaroni and Cheese Dinner’ level shit, Maddy.

Anyway, turns out Hank was listening to this whole conversation and the music intensifies as we zoom in on his craggly face. Norma and Shelly, fresh from their 1950’s salon trip, walk in and Hank says hi for the first time on the outside. Norma asks Hank to start washing dishes, as Shelly watches a meathead beat up a nerd on Invitation to Love. At Dr. Jacoby’s office, the Briggs are meeting as a family with Bobby to talk about Bobby’s sudden spiral downward. Jacoby asks to meet with Bobby alone to talk about Laura. He asks what it was like the first time they fucked and asks if Bobby cried while Laura laughed. This upsets Bobby, and he admits that Laura wanted to die. Bobby begins to cry as he’s pressed further about how awful Laura actually was as a person, and for the first time, you realize Bobby began his downward spiral into drugs and debauchery because of Laura, not in spite of her.

Out in the woods, Cooper, Truman, Hawk, and Doc Heyward (who seems like he’s legitimately dying from the hike) are walking to the cabin. Hawk sees a bent, tiny pine tree sticking out of the ground, and for some reason is alarmed. It looks insanely arbitrary among a sea of pine, but OK, I believe you, Hawk. They happen upon a cabin that looks different than the one in the cabinet and the Log Lady walks out. “About time you got here. They move so slowly when they’re not afraid. Come on, then. My log does not judge.” These are honestly the first four things she says without any of the guys saying anything. Welcome to prime Twin Peaks.

She invites them in for tea and cookies and mentions that the owls will not see them in the cabin. Also: “Shut your eyes and you’ll burst into flames.” She tells them that they’re actually two days late, then looks at Cooper and says that’s his doing. She mentions that her log saw something then pours the tea. We find out that her husband was killed in a fire the day after they were married.She tells Cooper to ask her log a question and he asks what it saw the night Laura was killed. The Log Lady caresses the log and it seemingly speaks through her. “Dark. Laughing. The owls were flying. Many things were blocked. Laughing. Two men. Two girls. Flashlights pass by in the woods over the ridge. The owls were near. The dark was pressing in on her. Quiet then. Later, footsteps. One man passed by. Screams far away. Terrible, terrible. One voice. Girl. Further up over the ridge, the owls were silent.”

*If you read Mark Frost’s (who wrote this episode), The Secret History of Twin Peaks, which came out this last year, there is an extensive section about Margaret (The Log Lady’s) life, which is informative beyond everything I could ever imagine, and kind of made this episode way more meaningful to me. Once you’ve watched the series and the film Fire Walk With Me, definitely read that book. It is essential for Twin Peaks fans.

The boys leave the cabin, returning to search for Renault’s place. Hawk hears music coming from somewhere nearby and they arrive at Jacques’ place. Julee Cruise’s haunting Into the Night is playing on repeat on a turntable. Cooper remembers something that the dwarf told him in his dream: “Where we’re from, the birds sing a pretty song, and there is always music in the air.” Just so happens, Jacques’ cabin has a record on repeat and Waldo, the mynah bird is singing in a cage. Hawk finds some film in a camera and Cooper picks up twine on the floor. They find a blood stain and when Truman opens the cuckoo clock, a poker chip falls out. This one has a piece missing, though. *dun-dun-dunnnn*

At The Great Northern, Josie Grossie is smoking in the dark in Ben’s office, because she’s a turd. A party is being held for the Icelanders, when Pete and Catherine show up to join in on the festivities. Off-His-Meds Leland suddenly appears, looking a little less homeless, and about just as sweaty (get the Blu-Ray set for that ultimate repulsive look). Catherine walks over to interrupt Ben and purposefully pours champagne on his shoe in front of the Icelanders. Ben tells her to meet him in his office. Audrey watches interested from nearby and sneaks into a secret passageway to watch their conversation from a peephole. Catherine slaps Ben because she found the One Eyed Jack’s chip he dropped in the motel room, then they disgustingly press their wrinkly lips on each other and Audrey just watches and laughs.

Back at the party, Jerry Horne starts pitching the Ghostwood project when suddenly, the music kicks in. Leland goes haywire and begins to uncontrollably dance. Ben begs Catherine to dance with him and everything seems fine for the moment as others join in. Everyone is laughing and having a good time, except for Leland, who seems truly fucked up in the harshest sense of the phrase. Audrey watches nearby, and seems to be the only other one in the room feeling bad for him, crying at the sight. Meanwhile, Josie Grossie is still smoking in the dark like an idiot.

At the Palmer’s house, Maddy goes downstairs in the middle of the night to call Donna because she found a cassette tape in Laura’s room. Sarah Palmer wakes up so Maddy hangs up the phone. Back at The Great Northern, Ben walks into his office to see Josie Grossie sitting at his desk in the dark. She presents Ben with the second ledger that Catherine hid in her bedroom, and it looks like Josie Grossie and Ben Grandma Fucker are double-crossing Catherine. He tells her that they’ll burn the mill the following night.

Back at the Johnson’s soggy shoebox of a home, Leo drives up to the house angrily to retrieve two gas cans. Hank jumps out from the bushes and cold-cocks Leo, leaving him a bloody mess. “I told you to mind the store, Leo, not put up your own franchise.” He’s not too happy with Leo taking over his shit. Leo walks into his collapsing domicile from Hell’s cancerous bowels and tells Shelly to get him a beer as he drips blood. She offers consolation, because as stupid as she is for sticking with him so long, she’s cute as all hell. He pushes her to the ground and *exuberant trumpet sounds* shoots him with the pistol!

As Cooper returns to The Great Northern, he is hilariously frustrated to find that the Icelanders are still partying. Upon reaching his room, he finds that the door is open. He walks in, gun drawn, and guess who is naked in his bed? None other than Audrey Effing High School Student Horne.

So, I know, I’ve been really bad at this. But come back this Friday. I’ll finish up Season One and then next week we’ll move slowly through Season Two. Sound good?

 

Twin Sneaks – Volume Two: Season One – Episodes 2-4

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Welcome to Twin Sneaks! I started this column about a year ago, but stopped watching the show as I wanted to wait until the new Season 3 was closer. What I’m hoping to do here is recap all the episodes for you guys leading up to the new premiere on May 21st (EEEEEK!!) After that, I’ll continue to recap the new episodes for you, and have them ready to go every Monday or Tuesday! There will, of course, be SPOILERS in these recaps, so please stop reading (or don’t, I’m not you mom) and WATCH THE DAMN SHOW ON NETFLIX, YOU JERK!

Twin Peaks – Season One: Episodes 2-4

Recap by Nick Spanjer

 

Episode 2: Traces to Nowhere

Directed by Duwayne Dunham

Written by Mark Frost and David Lynch

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The first episode after the Pilot gives us a nice feeling of The Great Northern as Cooper recites his notes for Diane while hanging upside down from the ceiling in his boxers. “The true test of any hotel, as you well know Diane, is that morning cup of coffee, which I’ll be getting back to you about in a half hour.” Cooper then has his first of many cups of coffee in The Great Northern. “You know, this is – excuse me – a damn fine cup of coffee.” High-schooler Audrey Horne creeps in and is immediately lovestruck with the Agent. He uncomfortably returns this affection while talking about freshly squeezed grapefruits. 

Cooper then arrives at the Sheriff station in which every employee has their mouths full of donuts, including Sheriff Truman, who manages to violently cram an entire bearclaw into his mouth all at once. We find out Laura’s death was between midnight and 4 AM, and she died of blood loss due a number of different “shallow wounds.” Doc Heyward also mentions that she’d had sex with at least three men in the last 12 hours of her life. 

We then cut to Leo Johnson’s semi-truck, that is of course named “Big Pussycat.” He’s vacuuming out the cab while smoking a cigarette when his wife, Shelly Johnson tells him she has to leave work. He throws his bag of laundry at her and demands that she do it before she leaves, not caring if she’s late for work. Their washing machine is outside on some half-ass porch and as she pours his clothes into the machine, she finds a denim shirt stained in blood. Back at the Sheriff station, Cooper is grilling James Hurley about his alibi the night of Laura’s murder. James details the last time the two saw each other on his bike at the light at Sparkwood and 21, and she just ran into the woods at about 12:30 AM. Cooper refers to Laura’s diary and asks what happened on February 5th. We flash back to one of James’ ultra-emo memories of February 5th, when Laura admitted she knew he loved her and gave him half of the necklace. Careful viewers will note the necklace actually reads “Best Friends,” and this is where we realize that James was in all actuality, hardcore friend-zoned by Laura.

Over at Leo’s house, he’s angrily tearing his truck apart looking for the bloody shirt like a deranged, ponytailed neanderthal. Mike and Bobby are still in jail and are discussing Leo wanting the rest of the money for a coke deal that was pulled off while Laura was still alive. Over at the Heywards’, Donna comes downstairs to her mom in her hockey jersey pajamas and chides her for not waking her up. They discuss Laura’s death and Donna basically mentions that she’s happy Laura is dead so she can now be with Hug Me James.

Norma Jennings and one-eyed Nadine Hurley stumble into each other awkwardly at the General Store. Nadine, though mentally affected, clearly has an idea that her husband is secretly seeing Norma while she aggressively rambles on about her drapes that Ed bought her. Nadine mentions her new silent drape-runner invention and the secret behind them: “Cotton BALLS. By god, those things will be quiet now.” Back at the station, James is released into Ed’s custody as Deputy Hawk and Ed give each other the ‘teardrop’ Bookhouse Boys signal. James mentions he’ll need a hand from the Bookhouse Boys.

Over at the Packard estate, Josie awakens to find Pete cleaning fish and she thanks him for standing up to his wife, Catherine the day previous. Cooper and Truman arrive to meet with Josie, as Pete pours them a cup of coffee. They each take a drink of coffee as Pete comes running into the room yelling about a fish in the percolator. Catherine calls to tell Josie that shutting down the mill caused nearly $90,000 in losses.

We cut over to a cheap motel where an unclothed Catherine Martell watches Ben Horne putting his clothes back on after their hour-long, secret and disgusting romp. It is revealed that they are collectively attempting to sabotage the mill in hopes of gaining the land it sits on for the Ghostwood development. They horrifically flirt while discussing burning down the mill and the scene thankfully ends before moving to a vomit-inducing level of revulsion. At the Palmer’s house, Leland is attempting to console his grieving wife and Donna shows up to talk. Sarah breaks into another frenzy of crying and hallucinates her daughter’s head on Donna’s shoulders in a glorious display of 1989 video effects awesomeness. As she grips her tight, she suddenly envisions Killer Bob at the foot of Laura’s bed and erupts into absolute delirium.

At the hospital, Deputy Hawk is questioning Ronette Pulaski’s flannel-clad parents about her whereabouts on the night of Ronette’s attack and Laura’s murder. They reveal that Ronette was a salesgirl at the Horne’s Department Store’s perfume counter. The one-armed man steps off the elevator and Hawk leaves the parents to follow. He sees him going to the morgue, but for some reason, just lets this happen and walks away. We cut to Audrey dancing by herself in her father’s office at The Great Northern. He walks in after his geriatric fuckathon, annoyed at the sight of this and turns off the music. We find that they clearly have a terrible relationship, as he rubs chap stick on and questions Audrey about her role in the Norwegians’ sudden departure. She admits to this happily, in which Ben returns a brutal confession of his disappointment in her. “Laura died two days ago. I lost you years ago.” Damn, son.

Over at Bobby’s parents’ house, they are discussing Bobby’s girlfriend’s murder over dinner. Garland Briggs attempts to console his son with a strange, militaristic textbook form of sympathy that feels like GI Joe reading Shakespeare. Bobby places a cigarette in his mouth which his father violently slaps out, harpooning the cigarette into his mother’s slice of meatloaf. Over at the Double-R Diner, Cooper and Truman visit Norma Jennings while enjoying coffee and cherry pie. Cooper notes The Log Lady’s presence and waves with no response. The Log Lady comes over suddenly and asks Cooper to speak to her log about the night Laura died. Cooper looks bewildered, which disgusts her, so she leaves in a huff.

Back at Chez Johnson, Leo is cutting into a football with a switchblade like a true fucking psycho would. Shelly gets home from the diner and he places a bar of soap in a sock. She cutely expresses that she brought him some pie (like he asked) and instead of saying thank you like a normal human being, he asks where his shirt is. “Where’s my shirt…my favorite blue shirt?” He slaps the pie (that he fucking asked for) out of her hand, as she plays dumb. He turns on the radio to some Badalamenti 50’s bebop and watches her recoil into the corner of their awful skeleton of a house, while he spins the soap sock in the air.

Finally, we return to the Heyward’s for a ridiculously uncomfortable dinner scene where Hug Me James is already being introduced to Donna’s parents. He’s wearing a spectacularly awful sweater that puts Seinfeld’s Puffy Shirt to absolute shame. He opts for fruit punch to drink (of course) as Doc Heyward awkwardly questions James’ background. Mike and Bobby roll up to the house and see that James’ bike is outside. They note that James has now moved in on both of their girlfriends. “Too bad we can only kill him once.” Over at Dr. Jacoby’s, he’s listening to one of the tapes he had Laura make him in his Hawaiian-themed office. He grabs a fake coconut off a decorative tree and opens it while listening to Laura’s crying voice through headphones. He grasps the other half of the necklace from the inside of the coconut and begins to cry.

 

Episode 3: Zen, or the Skill to Catch a Killer

Directed by David Lynch

Written by Mark Frost and David Lynch

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The beginning of this episode is drenched in David Lynch awesomeness, as the Horne’s eat silently while the credits roll before Jerry Horne makes his grand appearance, urging Ben to try a baguette he got in Paris. Ben tells Jerry what he missed concerning Laura’s murder and the Norwegians leaving before signing the contracts. This depresses Jerry, so Ben lifts him up by telling him there’s a new girl at the whorehouse he runs, and that Jerry has a 50% chance of being the first to try her out. These girls are in high school, by the way. “All work and no play make Ben and Jerry dull boys.” Nice, David Lynch.

Back at the Heyward’s, Donna and Hug Me James are still finishing the most boring dinner on earth while he swims in his sweater. The parents go to bed and they prep the dullest whisper conversation ever. Ben and Jerry arrive at One Eyed Jack’s ready to bang out some high school girls dressed like a hallucinatory deck of cards in Alice in Wonderland. Ben wins the coin toss and gross. Back at the Heyward’s, it’s midnight and Donna and Hug Me James are whispering for 10 minutes about being together and then kiss and ugh, who gives a fuck.

Cooper walks into his room at The Great Northern and receives a call from Deputy Hawk about Ronette and the one-armed man he saw. He hangs up and sees a letter slide under his door that reads “Jack with One Eye.” He smells the letter, because he’s Dale Fucking Cooper and that’s fucking weird, then smiles creepily knowing who wrote it. Mike and Bobby drive into some dark woods and get some coke out of a stump where Leo is waiting in the dark for them with a shotgun. They argue about money for a bit, as Bobby is about $10,000 short for the drugs since Laura had it hidden in the safety deposit box then died. Leo tells Bobby that he knows Shelly is cheating on him then goes into full Leo Johnson nuthouse mode.

Over at Ed and Norma’s, Ed trips over the drape runner invention and spills grease on them while Norma shows off her superhuman strength and angrily bends some steel. At the Johnson’s, a face-bruised Shelly is watching the show that oddly mirrors the Twin Peaks storyline, Invitation to Love when Bobby comes in. He sees the bruises and says he’s going to kill Leo before they start making out. At the Double-R diner, Ed and Norma talk more about their shitty, depressing lives without each other in them.

In the woods, Cooper and the Sherriff’s department prep an odd deductive technique that Cooper learned from a dream, because why the fuck not? Lucy pours them coffee and Cooper yells “Damn good coffee! And hot!” Based on what he read in the diary, Cooper mentions they’re looking for someone with J in their name. He draws a way too perfect circle in chalk, which has always bothered me to my core, for some reason. Every time one of the J names are read, Cooper throws a rock at a bottle that’s 60 feet and 6 inches away until it smashes upon the reading of Leo Johnson’s name…because, you know, David Lynch.

Back at the diner, Audrey walks in, plugs the jukebox and dances up to the bar for some black coffee because she wants to fuck Agent Cooper, and that’s what he likes. Donna walks over to her, and Audrey asks if Laura ever mentioned her father, Ben. Then Audrey gets up and dances like she just smoked five joints and yeah, Lynch definitely directed this episode. In the Sheriff station, Albert Rosenfield shows up in all his glorious assholery. Cooper warns Truman about him then squeezes his nose, which I’m really hoping was improv, because it’s amazing. Albert talks mad shit about Twin Peaks in front of Truman, and the sheriff goes full John Wayne in response. “I hear that you’re real good at what you do. Well that’s good, because normally if a stranger walked into my station talking this kind of crap, he’d be looking for his teeth two blocks up on Queer Street.” Welcome to 1990.

Ed comes home from the Gas Farm and Nadine over-excitedly tells him that his grease caused her drape runners to be completely silent, driving her to think they’re going to be rich from the invention. Over at the Martell’s, Pete and Catherine are getting ready for bed, when he sneakily gives Josie Grossie a key to the safe downstairs so she can get the ledger for the mill. Catherine yells at Pete and tells him to go to his room in one of the stranger dialogue exchanges yet. Josie finds two ledgers in the safe; one fake and one real.

Over at the Palmer’s, Leland puts on a record (the strangely snappy ‘Pennsylvania 6-5000’), and begins spinning with a picture of his murdered daughter, while weeping and screaming aloud. The phone begins ringing and Sarah runs in, when he breaks the picture and slices his wife’s hand open on the broken glass. She begins screaming, and with the music and the phone ringing, it’s one of the most stressful scenes in this entire show.

This episode ends in one of my favorite scenes in the entire series. In a dream, Cooper finds himself in the “Red Room” where a dwarf is shivering in the corner. It’s revealed that the one-armed man is named Mike and there is an evil entity named Bob. Cooper is clearly aged in the dream and he notices that Laura Palmer is sitting across from him. The dwarf turns and in warped speech yells, “Let’s Rock.” The whole scene must be seen to be believed, but it truly is the scene that hooked me on Twin Peaks.

Cooper awakens from the dream, with one of the greatest bedhead scenes in cinematic history, and calls Truman to tell him he knows who killed Laura.

 

Episode 4: Rest in Pain

Directed by Tina Rathborne

Written by Harley Peyton

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The next morning, Cooper-obsessed Audrey is waiting for Cooper, and they uncomfortably flirt while Cooper admits he knows she wrote the letter that was left under his door. They talk about One Eyed Jack’s and Laura’s connection before Truman and Lucy show up. He repeats the dream to the sheriff and Lucy, and mentions that the Mike and Bob in the dream have nothing to do with Mike and Bobby, our local high school badasses. He admits that the killer’s name was whispered in his ear by Dream Laura, but he forgot it by the time morning rolled around.

Over at the morgue, Doc Heyward is arguing with Agent Dickhead Rosenfield over Laura’s blue corpse, while Ben Horne for some reason is staring creepily into her dead face. Rosenfield calls Truman a hulking boob then gets punched by our mulleted sheriff. Leland is watching Invitation to Love while being plugged with some kind of tranquilizer. His niece Madeline (Maddy) then appears in the doorway, and she just happens to not only look like Laura, but it’s also the same actress, Sheryl Lee. At the diner, Norma is meeting with her incarcerated husband Hank’s lawyer about Hank getting out of prison.

Out at Leo Johnson’s, Cooper and Truman follow up on the bottle-breaking deductive result and find Leo chopping wood in half-buttoned overalls, because that’s what pony-tailed Leo Johnson wears, god dammit. Cooper questions him about the night of Laura’s murder and Leo gives a bunch of angrily hilarious one-word answers. At the Briggs’ house, Bobby and family are getting ready for Laura’s funeral. His father, Major Garland Briggs, in all his almost Shakespearean glory, does his best to console his son concerning Laura’s death. Seemingly coked-out Bobby exclaims he’s going to turn the funeral upside down in his father’s attempt at consolation.

At the station, Cooper and Truman receive Rosenfield’s autopsy results and find that she was high on cocaine when she was killed, that she was bound with two different kinds of twine, an animal pecked and scratched at her, and that there was plastic in her stomach. Albert attempts to get Cooper to sign a sheet saying he was assaulted, but Cooper refuses and it is this moment that you know Cooper has fallen in love with Twin Peaks. At Ed and Nadine’s, Ed stares at his wife’s decorations in the most loathing manner possible before Nadine depressingly admits how much she’s always loved him. Then Hug Me James comes moodily through the door and announces he’s not going to Laura’s funeral, honestly pouting out the following shit from below his giant forehead: “I can’t. I just can’t.” He then legitimately runs out the door and jumps on his bike and fucking christ, I can’t stand him.

Over at The Great Northern, Audrey suddenly has a 90’s-era Prince haircut and watches Dr. Jacoby through a peephole, taking her brother Johnny’s Native headdress off for the funeral. So here we go: The Motherfucking Funeral. It starts off fine, until Cooper notices Bobby staring at the approaching James, who just fucking said he wasn’t coming. Bobby does what he promised and begins yelling ‘Amen!,’ then lectures the whole crowd about letting Laura die. This gets James all worked up into an emo frenzy and the two go at each other in slow motion, again, for some damn reason that I can’t name. Leland begins to cry then collapses on the coffin as the hydraulic begins to malfunction and wife Sarah begins screaming. The whole scene is wonderfully out of control and really makes Twin Peaks, Twin Peaks.

Back at the RR, Shelly is joking about Leland falling on the coffin with two old dudes, while Cooper arrives to meet Truman, Hawk, and Ed for some pie. Truman reveals that someone is running coke into town from Canada and they want Cooper’s help without revealing it to the FBI. Truman tells Cooper that there’s something evil and strange in the woods surrounding the town. “There’s a sort of evil out there, something very, very strange in these old woods. Call it what you want – a darkness, a presence. It takes many forms, but it’s been out there for as long as anyone can remember, and we’ve always been here to fight it.” This is when it is revealed that there is a secret society called ‘The Bookhouse Boys’ that has watched over the town for generations. They introduce Cooper to the Bookhouse and find Bernard Renault tied up, being watched by the Bookhouse Boys.

Over at the Roadhouse, the disgusting blob of a human, and Bernard’s brother, Jacques arrives to find that there is a red light on the roof, taken as a warning to stay away from bartending that night. Upon seeing this, he calls Leo, who is using a switchblade to get mud out of his boots in his kitchen, because he lives in the world’s most disgusting turd of a house. Jacques tells Leo that he needs help with a border run, and him and his sweater leave the way too cute Shelly behind right after she got off work.

Out at the Martell’s, Truman is talking to Josie Grossie about Catherine and Ben wanting to hurt her. Catherine is listening to the boring conversation, while Josie reveals to Truman that one of the ledgers is now missing. Catherine places the other ledger in her secret desk in the bedroom and shit, I hate this dumb storyline. At Laura’s moonlit grave site, Cooper approaches Dr. Jacoby who is delivering flowers to the recently deceased. Jacoby admits to Cooper that Laura meant way more to him than she should have as a high school girl, then we unfortunately return to Truman and Josie Grossie, where they whisper about Ben and Catherine’s conspiracy against her. Then they make out for like 15 minutes.

At The Great Northern, Cooper and Hawk discuss the Native thoughts on the duality of souls, while off-his-rocker Leland stands in the middle of  the dance floor, eyes closed. A swing number kicks on and he desperately asks around for a dance partner. Cooper and Hawk look on concerned before coming to his aid and taking him home.

I know I said I’d have the remainder of Season One in one recap, but it’s simply too much awesome to pack into one post! Come back this Friday, 4/14 for the rest of Season One!

Twin Sneaks – Volume One: Pilot

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Welcome to Twin Sneaks! I started this column about a year ago, but stopped watching the show as I wanted to wait until the new Season 3 was closer. What I’m hoping to do here is recap all the episodes for you guys leading up to the new premiere on May 21st (EEEEEK!!) After that, I’ll continue to recap the new episodes for you, and have them ready to go every Monday or Tuesday! There will, of course, be SPOILERS in these recaps, so please stop reading (or don’t, I’m not you mom) and WATCH THE DAMN SHOW ON NETFLIX, YOU JERK!

Twin Peaks – Pilot

Directed by: David Lynch

Written by: David Lynch and Mark Frost

Recap by Nick Spanjer

Because the Pilot is so damn long (a little more than twice as long as most of the episodes), this recap was originally split into two parts. So forgive the length, but I feel like it covers the episode pretty well. Also, don’t watch the International Version of the Pilot (included in both the excellent DVD Gold Box and beautiful Blu-Ray set; the Pilot included on Netflix is this version I’m recapping) unless you’ve seen the whole series. Lynch and Co. didn’t know if the show would be picked up and gave away some key pieces of the story at the end.

I hate the way Twin Peaks begins. Not the slow, painful reveal of Laura Palmer’s unfortunate demise or the grueling realization of her death by her parents. No, the worst part of how Twin Peaks begins is the ultimate foreshadowing of a wasted storyline that I’ve come to rank right above the James/Evelyn Marsh melodrama: Josie Packard. The camera zooms in on her, staring longingly into a mirror with that “I’m taking a shit” face she always has on.

I’m going to be talking quite a bit about things that annoy me in Twin Peaks. Face it, drawn out storylines and particular characters or plot holes got to you too. If you’re reading this and you haven’t seen the show, I’d advise you to do so now. Stop reading and fire up Netflix, or buy the amazingly beautiful Blu-Ray set. It’s all right there at your fingertips. Then come back. This whole thing is going to take me a while anyway. Now back to the Pilot. Where were we?

Oh yeah. So, now that Josie is out of the way, let’s move on. Laura Palmer’s dead body is lying face down on a rocky beach outside Pete and Catherine Martell’s house. Pete’s call to the Twin Peaks Sheriff station is perhaps one of the most iconic scenes from the show as he announces shakily that Laura is, “…dead. Wrapped in plastic.” The sheriff arrives with deputy Andy Brennan and Doc Heyward, and Andy cries for the first time…in the show.

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Over at The Great Northern Hotel, we get our first peek at the insane Audrey Horne and her father, Ben – owner of the hotel and local Donald Trump. We’re introduced to him as he spits a horrifyingly productive shot of mucus into the fireplace while talking Ghostwood illegalities with his lawyer (and Laura’s father), Leland Palmer. They take their speech into the conference room with the “cheese eaters” concerning the Ghostwood development, when Leland is called away for a phone call to his wife. They do their best to pinpoint Laura’s location until Sheriff Truman arrives at the hotel to give Leland the bad news. Then Sarah erupts into a gloriously crazy puddle of sobs and screams (one of many to come).

Onto the Double-R Diner. We are first introduced to Badass Bobby Briggs and his secret girlfriend and waitress, Shelly Johnson as they hurl a thinly-veiled blowjob joke at immigrant waitress, Heidi. Double-R owner, Norma Jennings watches them leave as leatherclad Bobby plugs the jukebox with some 50’s jam constructed by the amazing Angelo Badalamenti. A cop-car whizzes by the forbidden romantics in the other direction as they take ungodly 8 AM rips from a flask on the way to Shelly’s. “It’s happy hour in France.” This is when we find out that Shelly is married to another dude, as Bobby slams on his brakes when he sees Leo Johnson’s semi truck.

At the hospital, Leland arrives to identify his daughter’s body. He bawls at the sight of her blue-black face and is helped away by Sheriff Truman. Back to the high school now, where the previously mentioned Audrey Horne is slipping out of her flats and putting on red heels at her locker while smoking. The insufferable Donna Heyward laughs at the sight of this and James Hurley arrives, looking like that kid that no one talked to in ninth grade, to tell her “Nice day for a picnic,” with his shit-eating grin. Big ups to David Lynch by the way, for filming the kid that slams his locker, spins and arm-roll dances himself down the hallway.

Bobby finally arrives to school where he’s summoned to the principal’s office while talking to Badass Part Deux, Mike Nelson. A cop arrives in the homeroom where Donna, James and Audrey are sitting, and makes an over-dramatic mess of things, asking if Bobby is in the class and pulling the teacher away. A girl runs screaming through the school’s courtyard and Laura’s best friend Donna looks at Laura’s empty desk. James realizes this at the same time and breaks his pencil with veins popping out of his fivehead. Donna ugly-cries for the first time and jesus christ, a lot of people have cried so far.

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Bobby is interviewed by Deputies Andy and Hawk in the library because he was her kind of boyfriend, and West Side Story-snaps in defiance at their questions. Sheriff Truman arrives in all his hatless, permed glory and asks the principal to tell the school about their dead classmate. Truman tells Bobby that Laura is dead and that he’s a suspect, so he will be placed under arrest. Bobby proceeds to profess his seemingly angry love for Laura as he tries to worm his way out of custody.

David Lynch goes all Kubrick with the Shining-like tracking shot down the high school’s hallway as the principal announces Laura’s death to the school. Donna ugly cries some more while James stares at her with rapist-like intensity. We then return to the Palmer household to see Sarah frantically moan and wail. Truman asks her about Laura and the last time she saw her, while Deputy Hawk and Leland look through Laura’s things in her bedroom. Hawk asks Leland where the key is to Laura’s diary then places the diary in a box, and Leland asks if he really needs to keep it. Deputy Andy tells Truman that another girl, Ronette Pulaski is missing as well.

We cut to the sawmill to see Pete singing about 2×4’s and 4×8’s along to the din of Catherine screaming at useless Josie for deciding to close the mill for the day. “Peter, push the plug.” Josie gives a speech that Evita would call too dramatic and shuts the mill down. What better time to cut to the violently molested, zombie-like Ronette crossing a trestle then? We’ll leave that for a second as James “I Need a Hug” Hurley parks his hog at his Uncle, Big Ed Hurley’s Gas Farm. He tells Ed that Laura is dead, confessing to his uncle that “she was the one.” Ed just doesn’t get it, so James gives him a note to give to Donna then rides off angrily onto the rainy highway. Eye-patched Nadine Hurley yells at Ed to get drapes from across the street and Ed gets in his truck immediately, seemingly leaving the gas farm unattended.

Finally, we get our first sight of FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper descending the tree-lined highway into Twin Peaks as he rambles into his tape recorder at the series-long unseen Diane. We learn Twin Peaks’ approximate location in Washington state as he notes it is five miles south of Canada, 12 miles west of the Idaho state line. He goes on about trees for a while then randomly spits facts about his day. Cooper and Truman meet at the hospital and go over some jurisdiction issues which Truman has no problem with. Cooper then starts in with the trees again. “Sheriff? What kind of fantastic trees have you got growing around here? Big, majestic…”

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Cooper and Truman go to Ronette Pulaski’s comatose bedside to find she was raped several times and Cooper immediately assumes there is a connection between her and Laura Palmer. He tells the doctor that he’d like to examine her fingers (which is the craziest thing someone could possibly say) and as he looks at them with a magnifying glass, Ronette begins to moan “Don’t go there.” Cooper and Truman watch a one-armed man get out of the elevator in time to see Dr. Jacoby yelling to a receptionist about a giant fish he caught that started talking to him. At the sight of the law enforcement, Jacoby tries to stop the elevator before it closes but can’t, so he runs down the fire exit to meet them. He’s donning ear plugs and introduces himself to Cooper, asking if he can go to the morgue to look at Laura with them. He confesses that Laura’s parents didn’t know she was seeing him as a patient, while horrifyingly fingering under the skirt of a hula girl on his tie.

In the morgue, Cooper begins searching Laura’s fingers for evidence under the flashing fluorescent lights. In glorious improvisational awesomeness, Cooper asks the attending morgue guy to leave, to which morgue guy replies, “Jim.” Cooper reiterates, “Will you leave us alone, please?,” and the actor playing Jim finally gets it. Props for leaving that in, DL. Cooper disgustingly jams tweezers down in between Laura’s dead fingernail and retrieves the paper letter R. With this, Cooper realizes that Laura’s death may be the work of a serial killer that he is familiar with.

Back at Big Ed’s, Donna approaches Ed and gets the note from James asking her to meet him at the Roadhouse after 9:30. Badass Part Deux, Mike rolls up in all his abusive boyfriendliness, screaming at girlfriend Donna for not being with him because Bobby is in a lot of trouble. “He’s my best friend, you’re supposed to be with me, Donna.” He makes some threats to Ed, then peels away to be with his boyfriend Bobby at the sheriff’s. Nadine yells across the street again at Ed about the drapes then slams the screen door.

Back at the sheriff’s station, Cooper and Truman break open Laura’s diary. Cooper flips through and finds the last entry. She writes, “Nervous about meeting J, tonight.” which Cooper notes to Diane. He flips back a few pages and finds a safety deposit key taped to a page with some white, powdery substance on it. Turns out our murdered high school beauty queen may have been a cokehead. Truman doubts that it’s cocaine and tells Cooper he didn’t know Laura. Cooper moves on with the evidence and notes the small box of chocolate bunnies he’s holding.

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The second half of the Pilot begins ominously, as the camera drifts across a clouded mountain landscape and onto an abandoned train car. Deputy Andy calls Lucy at the sheriff’s station to report the location of the murder. He’s crying, of course, and asks her not to tell the sheriff about this. In a back office of the station, Cooper and Truman interview Bobby with his lawyer present about Laura’s death. Bobby gets defensive and yells at Cooper which he in turn, laughs off as he shows Bobby a video of Laura and Donna dancing at that picnic James so cleverly made reference to. Cooper reveals to Bobby that someone with the first initial J is involved and Bobby sees something at the end of the video, making a realization that isn’t revealed for a while.

After Cooper asks Truman to let Bobby out of jail, we return to The Great Northern where Audrey Horne pokes a hole in a cup of coffee like a 5-year old all over the concierge’s desk. Audrey sighs and poses in the corner of the room where the prospective Ghostwood Norwegians are going over the contracts. She tells them against hotel advisement that her “friend” Laura was found face down on a rocky beach, completely naked and murdered. Goofy music plays over this as she sighs again and pretends to cry.

Bobby is released into custody of his parents where Badass Part Deux, Mike is waiting for him. Bobby asks Mike if he “straightened” Donna out yet and that they need to look for some biker named J for fooling around with both Donna and Laura. Lucy Moran, receptionist at the sheriff’s office, is meanwhile typing out their whole conversation that she overhears. Bobby’s dad tells him that he there’s for him to which Bobby replies, “I don’t need a damn sympathetic anything.” Cooper grills Donna about the video, asking who is filming the picnic. She ugly cries again as Lucy comes in to show Cooper what she typed. Cooper reveals he knew they were looking for a biker as he pauses the video in a closeup of Laura’s eye. “Looks like a hog to me.” Cut to Hug Me James who is fondling a necklace on a depressing mountaintop, looking like someone stole his juicebox.

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Back at The Great Northern, the Norwegians are leaving the hotel in a hurry at the news of the murder, much to the sadistic delight of Audrey. Her father, Ben is clearly angry which makes Audrey giggle. She truly is one of the best characters in the show. We join Cooper and Truman at the abandoned train car as they shine their lights on a massacre, gore up and down the walls, and a bloodied hammer on the floor. Upon a mound of dirt sits a necklace; half a heart connected to a gold chain with a piece of paper below it. Written in blood are the words, FIRE WALK WITH ME.

We then cut back to James’ lonely mountaintop of isolation where he continues to fondle the necklace that is revealed to be the other half. The beautiful Snoqualmie Falls finally makes an appearance below “The Great Northern” as the Horne’s mentally challenged son Johnny bangs his head against a dollhouse, much to the chagrin of his impatient mother. Johnny is upset because Laura helped him in the afternoons. Cooper and Truman head to the bank for the safety deposit box that belongs to the key in Laura’s diary. They open the box on the table where a mounted deer head has fallen and find pornographic magazine Flesh World, along with a stack of over $10,000. Cooper excitedly opens Flesh World to a marked page, finding a circled Ronette Pulaski escort ad. The camera pans over to a pixelated picture of Leo Johnson’s semi and now the real fun begins.

Inside Leo Johnson’s unfinished shanty of a house, he’s drinking a beer on the couch, fingering through the disgusting ashtray of smoked cigarette butts when he realizes something is amiss. He demands  wife Shelly turn the TV off and quizzes her on the type of cigarettes that she smokes. “There’s two things, Shelly. When I come home, this house should be clean. And I mean clean. Number two, you smoke one brand of cigarettes from now on because if I ever see you with different brands of cigarettes in this house again, I’m going to snap your neck like a twig.” He takes a swig of beer like he’s never taken one in his life and stares down Shelly, and it’s so gloriously ridiculous that you can’t help but laugh.

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Over at Big Ed’s, Ed receives a call from a shaken Double-R owner, Norma, where they arrange a night-time meeting at the Roadhouse. Ed looks out the window after he hangs up to see his obsessive, one-eyed wife sliding her new drapes open and shut. Over at the town hall, we get to see Cooper ask about local rabbit populations while Josie walks in and Truman says “That is one of the most beautiful women in the state.” Yeah, ok. It’s revealed that she married into the ownership of the mill before her husband Andrew Packard died in a boating accident. It’s also revealed that Ben Horne is after the Packard land for the Ghostwood development, which annoyingly, becomes one of the biggest storylines in the show.

As the ancient Mayor Milford gavels for attention, the Log Lady makes her first appearance, flipping the lights on and off in the hall. “Who’s the lady with the log? Oh, we call her the Log Lady.” Cooper introduces himself to the hall and proclaims that Laura’s murder may be connected to another murder. He warns against a witch hunt and places a curfew on those under 18. A streetlight turns from green to red in the wind as we move to the Heyward’s house, where Doc Heyward is attempting to comfort his wheelchair-bound wife in the living room (Zooey Deschanel’s mom, BTW). Donna overhears that the police think the killer has the other half of the heart necklace and attempts to escape out the window. Her annoying sister asks for poetry tips as she jumps out the bedroom window to meet up with James at the Roadhouse.

Mike and Bobby drunkenly arrive at the Heyward’s with the intention of picking up Donna. Doc Heyward runs upstairs and grills Donna’s younger sister about Donna’s whereabouts while Bobby pretends to surf on top of his car. Doc Heyward inexplicably asks her abusive boyfriend to go find her to which Mike basically says, “Oh I’ll find her, and when I do…” Cooper and Truman are meanwhile, staking out the Roadhouse when they receive a call from Doc Heyward about the missing Donna.

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We finally arrive to the penultimate Roadhouse. Julee Cruise and her band sway through the theme song as Ed and Norma talk about their shitty lives. Cooper is whittling when Mike and Bobby show up to the Roadhouse. The club is full of bikers and some of them make note of Mike and Bobby’s sudden appearance. Donna arrives on a child’s bicycle and when she walks in, is immediately verbally berated by her boyfriend and Badass Part Deux, Mike. The bikers and Ed intervene and a brawl breaks out. “Lights out, Mr. Monkeywrench!” One of the bikers gets Donna out and Cooper and Truman follow “from a discrete distance.” Mike and Bobby get clobbered by the multitudes of bikers and more police arrive.

Joey the biker manages to elude Cooper and Truman, and drops Donna off with James in some emo part of the woods. James reveals to Donna that Bobby killed someone, according to Laura, and he thinks that Laura was killed for some reason involving drugs. They begin to ugly cry together for the first time of many, and after making out for way too long, decide to bury his half of the necklace under some fucking rock for some reason. Cooper and Truman see James and Donna ride by and pull James over. Truman brings James in and releases Donna to Doc Heyward. James is placed in a jail cell across from Mike and Bobby where they stare at each other lovingly.

Doc Heyward accepts his daughter’s apology as grief for her best friend’s loss. Cooper and Truman walk into a break room loaded with an insane amount donuts and coffee at the sheriff’s office. Cooper asks for some modest lodging and Truman tells him that he’ll get him a great rate at The Great Northern. Mike and Bobby start barking and screaming at James in the jail in one of the more insane scenes in the Pilot.

Finally, we come upon the Martell’s place where Truman makes out with Josie Grossie. Catherine sees this and tells Ben Horne on the telephone. Truman and Josie grip each other in soap operatic style, staring out at the lake. We get another shot of the stoplight in the wind then return to the Palmer household. Sarah “sees” a gloved hand picking up the rock in the woods which sits atop the necklace and begins to scream, while Bob makes his first appearance, hovering over her (the crew member that accidentally would come to play Bob, because David Lynch is a nut) in a mirror.

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Best Quotes:

  • “She’s dead. Wrapped in plastic.” – Pete Martell
  • “If you’ll permit me, Sven, to repeat what you told me this morning after your run: “My air sacks have never felt so good.”” – Ben Horne
  • “Diane, I’m holding in my hand a small box of chocolate bunnies.” – FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper
  • “The Norwegians are leaving! THE NORWEGIANS ARE LEAVING!.” – Hotel Concierge
  • “There’s over $10,000 here. That’s a lot of Girl Scout Cookies.” – Special Agent Dale Cooper
  • “Don’t take any oink-oink off that pretty pig.” – Bobby Briggs

Come back next Friday 4/14, where I’ll be recapping (in much less detail) the remainder of Season One!