Ben Affleck

Justice League Pulls Apart Boxes

…is the headline Lois Lane must write after this movie is over. That’s literally what this movie is about by the way. Pullin’ apart them boxes. This is why we need super heroes guys.

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Wonder Woman was amazing, right? Remember how good it felt walking out of the theater for it? Thinking okay, I guess DC can make good movies, they just have chosen not to make good ones up until now (with the exception of the Dark Knight series of course).

I’m not sure what exactly was unsavory about this movie. Was it husky Batman? The forced humor between super heroes with no chemistry? The robbing of Clark Kent’s grave? Superman’s fucked up face? Or maybe it was the fact that the heroes spent the entire movie trying to keep three boxes apart, only to essentially GIVE the last box to our villain, then spent the last half of the movie trying to rip said boxes apart. Cool. Boxes.

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The movie wasn’t ALL bad though and I don’t think it deserves the rotten tomato score it was given. I’d at least put it at 50%. There were some funny parts, and of course Wonder Woman was there so hey it wasn’t all bad.

Let’s plot summarize and here’s some spoilers so watch out.

Some kids are taking a cell phone video of Superman after he’s saved some people. He looks weird. Is this a video game? No it’s real life. The kids ask Superman some questions and something is off. What is it? I know…it’s his face. Why is his face so fucked up (more on that later).

This video was taken awhile ago because of course (I honestly forgot) Superman died in Batman vs Superman. I couldn’t tell you how or why but I know Husky Batman blames himself for it. He’s on a roof doing his vigilante thing when electronic wasp men from another dimension pop up out of nowhere. Batman is able to kill the wasp and it leaves behind an imprint of three boxes?  I use a question mark here because I’m honestly not entirely sure what happens only that Batman has been tracking the three boxes for some reason and I don’t really know I’m bored even explaining it so let’s move on.

Let’s go back to our happy place on Wonder Women’s Amazonian island. The kick ass women warriors are guarding a box (oh boy boxes!) and then it cracks and a crazy man comes through who’s very tall and controls the wasp people. The women put up a 20 minute awesome fight to save the box from being taken but they lose, and lots of people die. It’s the best scene of the movie though so nice job.

The tall evil man, let’s just call him Steppenwolf because that’s his name, rages about some ‘mother’ and the boxes. He takes off and the amazonians light a signal on Earth to warn Diana aka Wonder Woman that this box guy is coming for them.

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Meanwhile Husky Batman is trying to get a gang together to fight Steppenwolf. He goes to find Aquaman in a remote sea village by riding a donkey. I mean I feel like there are better ways to get there, but you just do you Husky Batman. Aquaman is like, you dress like a bat and have no super powers, I will absolutely not fight with you. Then Husky Batman goes to find Flash, and Flash is like, you dress like a bat and have no super powers? I am IN. SO IN.

Then we have the Cyborg because diversity. Even though half of his black skin is covered in shiny metal, we care about diversity, okay guys? Cyborg is like no thanks, but then Wonder Woman is like, do it, join our gang and he says okay because no one can say no to Wonder Woman. So now we have the Justice League. But wait, we are missing SUPERMAN. Oh yeah he’s dead.

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Lois Lane is super unhappy about it, and whines on her lunch break with Clark’s Mom. Clark’s Mom is like Clark always said you were so thirsty. Blow job joke, nice. Everyone is sad that Superman is gone though and hate crimes are up and people are mean. There’s neo-nazis cursing out Muslim women in slow motion as crates of fruit fly around the screen (I wish I was making this up) and if only we bring Superman back we can get rid of this box guy once and for all.

Meanwhile, box guy has two of the three boxes. Remember how the Amazonian women put up a kick ass fight to stop him from stealing their box? Well the Aquaman people get thrown against some coral and give up in about five seconds. So now he has two boxes. The last box the Justice League has retrieved and this guy can’t destroy the world without the third one so of course they keep it safe and hidden right?

WRONG! So Flash and Cyborg dig up Clark’s gave, bring his coffin to where his space ship is in Metropolis, throw him in the spaceship water and then throw the third box in with him. There’s some theory to this but I couldn’t pay attention so just know that Flash charges the box, which charges the space ship, which in turn somehow brings Superman back. Superman gets pissed, fights everyone and in the meantime THE THIRD BOX IS STOLEN FOR ULTIMATE WORLD DOMINATION. You guys had one job…

Superman see’s Lois and calms his tits and flies them back to his corn farm in Smallville. He gets all Gladiator and strokes his wheat, I mean corn, for a bit. Then he’s like, “Well better go fight crime”, and the audience is like WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR FACE. WHY IS IT SO WEIRD LOOKING ( more on that later I swear).

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So Justice League goes to this small town in Russia that Cyborg finds with his computer skills. Apparently box man is there, and Husky Batman suddenly speaks up that the town has nuclear reactors so of course box man is there. Nothing makes sense. Also apparently Husky Batman can just pull random facts about small Russian towns out of his Husky butthole now.

They go to the town, save a small family we’ve been forced to follow the entire movie. Spoiler, they live. Also, who cares. Luckily Justice League is able to stop box man by pulling his boxes apart. Nice job Justice League. There’s an after credits scene though where they’re bringing back Lex Luthor so if you hated him (and I would go by the critic and fan reviews that we ALL HATED HIM) then get ready for some more shitty shit.

Okay are you ready to hear about Superman’s fucked up face? So after the movie I googled it thinking, “Henry Cavill knew that this movie was going to suck and refused to be in it so they digitized his face right?” NOPE. They had to do a bunch of reshoots (apparently every scene Superman was in), but by this time Henry had grown a mustache for another movie and he was NOT SHAVING THAT SHIT OFF. So they said fine. We will film you with a mustache and edit it in post. Which is hilarious, because it looks awful and really just adds to the shitiness of this movie.

More Wonder Woman movies plz. k thanks. Bye.

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2007: Film’s Greatest Year

I’ve always enjoyed film. It’s a temporarily beautiful escape into worlds that are visions and dreams of artists and innovators. It’s why I started this website. So when I think about which years brought us the best movies, 2007 has to be at the top. The 26 films below average out to an 80% on Rotten Tomatoes, and would actually be at an 84% if it were not for a couple of critical disappointments I happen to enjoy (they’re at 20% and 40%). The following list comprises my argument for why I feel 2007 is film’s greatest year.

January

Pan’s Labyrinth, Children of Men

Pan’s Labyrinth

When it comes down to it, this will be forever hailed as Guillermo del Toro’s masterpiece. It’s haunting and gorgeous, and will tear your soul to shreds if you let it.

Children of Men

There is probably not a movie I have watched more in the last decade than this. Clive Owen is wonderful as Theo, but the real credit goes to director Alfonso Cuaron, the master of the ridiculously long takes as seen in Gravity.

March

Zodiac

Zodiac

David Fincher has made some really great movies, including Fight Club and Seven, but in my opinion, this is him at the top of his game. It’s an epic undertaking and one of the best true-crime films I’ve ever seen.

April

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Grindhouse, Hot Fuzz

Grindhouse

While one half of this fun double-feature isn’t exactly the greatest, Death Proof makes up for Planet Terror‘s faults. Kurt Russell is excellently campy and it’s a welcome addition to the Tarantino canon.

Hot Fuzz

I have a hard time deciding which of the Simon Pegg – Nick Frost films are my favorite, but Hot Fuzz is usually right up there at the top. The cast is excellent and the direction is razor sharp.

May

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28 Weeks Later

28 Weeks Later

This certainly is not as good as Danny Boyle’s original 28 Days Later, but it’s still an excellent zombie flick and Robert Carlyle is amazing in the heartbreaking starring role.

June

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Knocked Up, 1408, Live Free or Die Hard, Ratatouille

Knocked Up

I didn’t really like this movie when it first came out. With time, though, I’ve grown to appreciate it. I still find Heigl a bit insufferable, but the rest of the cast is funny as hell.

1408

Again, it took a while for me to appreciate this movie, but as far as Stephen King adaptations go, this one rises up toward the top. Cusack is pretty great, as well as Samuel L. Jackson.

Live Free or Die Hard

The theatrical cut of this was great, but if you can find the Unrated Cut, go for it. It’s violent and lives up to the R-Rated expectations of the first three classics.

Ratatouille

I’ve always been into the Toy Story movies, but Pixar failed to do much to pique my interest up until Ratatouille came out. It’s not only that Patton Oswalt is in it, but I loved the story so much. I watch this one pretty often.

July

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Rescue Dawn, Sunshine

Rescue Dawn

As familiar as we all are with Werner Herzog’s documentaries steeped in nihilism, he’s actually a damn good dramatic director as well. Bale’s physical decimation is horrifying to watch and Jeremy Davies is incredible as well.

Sunshine

Part 2001: A Space Odyssey, part Event Horizon, Danny Boyle’s sci-fi thriller is one of the better of the genre of the new century. Cillian Murphy is great and it’s written by Alex Garland, writer/director of 2015’s excellent Ex Machina.

August

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Hot Rod, Superbad, Death Sentence, Inland Empire

Hot Rod

While the critics hated this movie, the memorable lines and outlandish weirdness of The Lonely Island fellas shines through in this. Probably one of the funniest SNL films.

Superbad

This movie is funny every time I watch it. Cera and Hill’s relationship is absolutely heartwarming and the guest spots are pretty amazing.

Death Sentence

Sitting at a dismal 20% on Rotten Tomatoes, I feel the critics were sorely mistaken on this almost perfect revenge flick in which Kevin Bacon beats the living shit out of some gang members.

Inland Empire

While I still don’t know what the hell this movie is about, it’s an absolute nightmare put on film and one of the strangest trips I’ve ever taken. Laura Dern is wondrous and David Lynch has not made a stranger movie.

September

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3:10 to Yuma, Eastern Promises, The Darjeeling Limited

3:10 to Yuma

Yes, this is a remake. What we have here, though, is one of the best westerns of our new century. Russell Crowe, Christian Bale, and Ben Foster shine brightly and the cinematography is at times breathtaking.

Eastern Promises

If you saw A History of Violence, you probably had a lot to expect from Viggo Mortensen in Cronenberg’s follow-up. This movie is gritty as hell and probably one of the better gangster flicks I’ve ever seen.

The Darjeeling Limited

While this is not exactly my favorite Wes Anderson film, it’s grown more endearing with age. The way he presents India is like a painter’s palette, and the performances from Owen Wilson, Adrien Brody, and Jason Schwartzman are mightily impressive.

October

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Michael Clayton, 30 Days of Night, Gone Baby Gone

Michael Clayton

Corporate espionage films are not normally one of my favorite genres. This one is a twisting thriller that is shot beautifully and features a great performance from Tom Wilkinson.

30 Days of Night

Not since The Thing has there been a more impressively violent and frightening horror film set against the inescapable backdrop of an arctic tundra. One of my favorite vampire films done just right.

Gone Baby Gone

With time, this depressing crime drama has become one of my favorite films ever. Ben Affleck directed his brother, this year’s expected Best Actor winner, Casey Affleck and it really is one the greatest Boston-area films.

November

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No Country for Old Men, The Mist

No Country for Old Men

Let’s not beat around the bush here. This one won Best Picture and for very good reason. It’s hard to say there is a better Coen Brothers film, but perhaps the most impressive part is taking Cormac McCarthy’s difficult source material and translating it to film.

The Mist

Another great film based on a Stephen King story. I didn’t like this movie until I watched it for the second time, but I have a few more times since. Check out the excellent black and white cut if you get a chance. It’s really fun.

December

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The Orphanage, There Will Be Blood

The Orphanage

Though Guillermo del Toro’s name is plastered all over releases of this film, J.A. Bayona actually directed this gorgeously depressing ghost story. Unless you’re terribly inhuman, the end will rip you apart.

There Will Be Blood

No film, in my opinion, is more important than this one. I really feel that this might be the Citizen Kane of this generation. Daniel Day Lewis is incredible, but it’s the story and the way that this movie is filmed that I think is most important.

Do you think a year in film was better than 2007? Let us know in the comments!

Nick Spanjer, Editor of CinemAbysmal