Movie Reviews

Sloppy Saturdays: Volume 3 – ‘Arachnophobia’

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What is ‘Sloppy Saturdays’?

I realized that I own over 300 movies, many of which I have not watched a second time. Whether on Blu-Ray, DVD, or the legendary LaserDisc, I have a lot of films I need to watch again. So, I’ve decided I should probably go through these and justify why I own them, and perhaps, why you should too. I put them all into a database and will randomly mix them up once a week. Come back every Saturday for a new review.

-Nick, Editor of CinemAbysmal

Sloppy Saturdays – Volume Three

Arachnophobia (1990) – Comedy |Thriller

Directed by: Frank Marshall

Starring: Jeff Daniels and John Goodman

Format I Own: LaserDisc

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Synopsis

Arachnophobia begins like a lot of other movies in the ’90’s: Big city doctor (Jeff Daniels) moves to a small town with the intention of taking over the town’s only medical practice. Little does he know, a spider-bitten corpse from Venezuela was just dropped off and the carcass brought a huge and aggressive, 8-legged freak with him. Somehow, this baseball mitt-sized tarantula mates with a spider in this tiny farm town, and soon all Gremlinsesque hell breaks loose.

What I Love

I think love might be too strong of a word to describe how I feel about this movie, but I did love it as a kid and it’s definitely got some nostalgic value to it. By no means, though, is it a great movie. The effects are dated, they tried really hard to make it funny, which comes off as unnatural, and it’s hard to have Jeff Daniels carry your movie. Every scene with John Goodman is pretty damn good, but really, there’s not quite enough. The musical score is goofy as all hell, as well. But really, if you saw this as a kid, you’ll probably enjoy it merely for nostalgic reasons like I did.

My Favorite Scene

For almost the entire movie, Marshall and crew dog hard on this couple that really likes food. This guy is the town mortician and is constantly eating Ruffles around the corpses, and at a dinner party, he and his wife take full paper plates of food home. Well, when it’s time for the outbreak of spiders upon the town, one climbs into a disgustingly buttery bowl of popcorn that the portly couple is eating out of while watching Wheel of Fortune. It’s standard ‘it’s funny ’cause he’s fat’ fodder, but I still enjoyed it, especially when the murdering spider crawls out of the mortician’s nose after killing him.

What You Might Not Like

I think based on the title, it’s pretty obvious why a lot of people would not be able to handle this film. From the beginning, the spiders are big, they’re aggressive, and their actions play on everyone’s basic fears of spiders that bite. While watching, I admittedly lifted my feet off the floor a few times in momentary fear of some scuttling beings. They hiss, they jump and fly through the air, they have dripping, black fangs and they really couldn’t be more frightening.

How You Can Watch

Rent for $2.99 on Apple TV, Google Play, and Vudu

Final Score: 2.5/4

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Similar Films: Gremlins, The Mist, Eight Legged Freaks

Sloppy Saturdays: Volume 2 – ‘Junior’

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What is ‘Sloppy Saturdays’?

-Nick, Editor of CinemAbysmal

Sloppy Saturdays – Volume Two

Junior (1994) – Comedy | Absolutely Insane

Directed by: Ivan Reitman

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger

Format I Own: LaserDisc

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Synopsis

OK. Bare with me. Junior is about Arnold Schwarzenegger, who plays some kind of scientist that deals in pregnancies, with his OBGYN partner Frank Reynol…Danny DeVito (if you’re not already gagging at the thought of this, you might need to reevaluate your life) in San Francisco. They create a drug that supposedly induces healthy pregnancies in women after they tested it on chimps or some shit, but the FDA turns them down and they lose their funding. It’s basically the setup for Ghostbusters, but about two dudes that want to get women pregnant instead of chasing spectral entities through New York. Anyway, DeVito convinces Schwarzenegger that he should carry the baby in some kind of abdominal cavity, sans anything that would biologically allow a baby to grow or thrive, but yeah. Guess what happens by the end of the movie?

What I Love

I have absolutely no reservations in calling this movie a huge fucking turd. Honestly, it’s an insult to film and really should never have been made. That being said, I love and respect a lot of what Ivan Reitman has done as a director, and most are allowed their misfires (I’m looking at you, Tom McCarthy’s The Cobbler). Reitman is responsible for Ghostbusters, Meatballs, Stripes, and more. However, he’s also at fault for a lot of shit, so whatever.

If you saw 1988’s Twins (also with Schwarzenegger and DeVito), well, you know what you’re getting. So in a way, this falls along the same lines as that film and his other Schwarzenegger-helmed flick, Kindergarten Cop. This movie has an absolutely fucking batshit plot in which a god damn baby grows inside of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s muscly abs. If you don’t love that a movie was made strictly around that nuthouse premise, you need to learn how to enjoy this weird thing called reality. Because, guess what? This movie actually, really exists.

My Favorite Scene

About 80 minutes into the film (yes, this shit factory is nearly two hours long), Arnold goes full drag at about eight months pregnant. He and DeVito show up at some kind of compound for expecting mothers to find shelter from the evil dicks at the college that want to steal her…er, his baby away from him as it was experimental, so belongs to them. At this point, the estrogen has completely taken hold of Arnold and he and DeVito hug as the James Newton Howard score intensifies. He even starts speaking like a woman, and it’s so insultingly bad, I couldn’t help but giggle like a little kid.

THEN, holy shit. A god damned montage in which Arnold does Lamas and races other pregnant women down stairs and cries to doctors and shovels food into his mouth. It is so spectacularly out of control and really saved this movie for me.

What You Might Not Like

What really bothered me about the film was my now current familiarity with perhaps Danny DeVito’s most iconic character in his career: Frank Reynolds from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Now, I realize this film was made in 1994, but holy shit, all I can think about is Frank alone in a room with a woman doing gawd knows what down there, and it just does not work. Other than that, the film really is just shit. Arnold is practically yawning the whole film and the story is laughable, at best. I couldn’t imagine watching this with anyone that had a trace of a Medical education or even faintly studied Biology. It’s so ridiculous.

Honestly, the last time I watched this movie was over 20 years ago. I remembered liking it, so swooped up the LaserDisc copy and have just had it sitting there for years. Will I watch it again? Eh, maybe? If I want to show someone how not to make a movie, I’ll definitely show them this. But did I enjoy it again? Oh, hell no.

How You Can Watch

Streaming on HBO Now as of 04/07/2017
Rent for $2.99 on Apple TV, Google Play, and Vudu

Final Score: 1.5/4

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Similar Films: Twins, Kindergarten Cop, Any Movie that a Dude is Pregnant in…

The Fast Franchise: Volume 7 – ‘Furious 7’

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Furious 7 (2015) – Action | Drama

Directed by: James Wan

Starring: Paul Walker RIP and Vin Diesel

Review by Eric Scot Lemons

So I mentioned in the past, The Fast & Furious tends to have a formula that has become a bit stale. Nothing that a new director can’t fix. Furious 7 brings on James Wan to replace Justin Lin, and he brings on the fucking pain. Not only is Furious 7 the best of the franchise, it is easily one of the best action films I have ever seen. James Wan ups the action and films some of the most giddyingly experimental shots I have ever seen. Again, these films feel built around high action stunts and this one does not disappoint with every scene relying on tension.

The plot is simple enough, with Jason Statham coming on as the brother of Luke Evans who wants to avenge his brother, who now rests in a coma. He is a super awesome rogue British operative who has decided to wage war on the Torretto clan. We got Dom still trying to seduce an amnesiac Letty and Brian still trying to come to terms with his role as a father. The Rock is attacked by Statham early in the film and breaks his arm and leg in a fall from a building onto a vehicle, and you know that moment they put the cast on The Rock, how that motherfucker is coming off. So this random fucking government agency led by Kurt Russell in his coolest role since Death Proof asks the Torretto team to recover a hacker who has hidden a device called The God’s Eye, which is essentially Eagle Eye from the Eagle Eye movie; a device which composites all digital surveillance devices (CCTVs and Iphones). If they recover it for the government, the government in turn will let them use it to track and kill Statham. Actually a cool fucking plot comparatively. They recover the device and lose it again in an ambush by Statham and return to LA to recover it. How the fuck do you beat The God’s Eye, a device you can’t escape from? Well, if you are fast and/or furious, you outrun it (and hack it). The Rock returns flexing his arm which causes the cast to break then proceeds to fly an ambulance into a drone!

Cameos abound in this one. We get a creepy call back to Sean from Tokyo Drift that is supposed to take place immediately after the events of the third film, despite the fact that the actor has aged almost ten years since. Ronda Rousey plays a bodyguard that speaks like a statue learning to play a sassy black lady, but is very cool in the fight scenes. This is a film that feels like a cultural event, adding as many well known celebs as possible. It feels like they are taking a page out of The Expendables book, but rounding out the action in a way reminiscent of super spy thrillers like MI:Whatever, instead of campy 80’s bullet slingers.

Let’s get back to the stunts. There is seriously a scene in which Paul Walker RIP is inside a bus edging off a cliff. He ends up on top of it as it starts to teeter downward and he must run the full length of the tilting bus and jump off, only to catch the spoiler of Letty who is Tokyo-fucking-drifting around the edge of the cliff in order to catch him. So that’s awesome, and then they try to steal a car from the penthouse of a high rise and when shit hits the fan, they drive the car out the window into another skyscraper next door. When the brakes go out, they drive the car through that window and into ANOTHER skyscraper. Holy fuck. Seriously, check this movie out.

So on a somber note, this is the film that was in production when Paul Walker RIP passed. They apparently had to finish up his scenes with his two brothers as stand-ins, which is very noticeable in certain shots with that shitty CGI facial shit they do. They also had to rewrite an ending that had Brian decide to be a father instead of continuing to do Torretto missions. There is a sappy goodbye which is clearly intended for Walker RIP, and not Brian (cause everyone in the film lives next door to each other). It was a nice touch. I talked a lot of shit about Walker RIP, especially in early reviews, but as the series continued, Walker RIP became a highlight. I teared up. My wife all out bawled. But I can seriously say that Brian and Walker RIP’s absence will be felt throughout subsequent films.

Thank you for following me on this strange journey and be sure to check out Fate of the Furious when it hits theaters April 14th.

Sloppy Saturdays: Volume 1 – ‘Raging Bull’

What is ‘Sloppy Saturdays’?

-Nick, Editor of CinemAbysmal

Sloppy Saturdays – Volume One

Raging Bull (1980) – Drama

Directed by: Martin Scorsese

Starring: Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci

Format I Own: Blu-Ray

Synopsis

Raging Bull is the story of Jake LaMotta, middleweight boxer and serial wife abuser. A genuinely hard film to watch at times, Robert DeNiro earned every bit of the Oscar gold that came his way after this movie dropped. Cathy Moriarty brilliantly plays his wife, Vickie, and Joe Pesci is introduced to the acting world as his brother, Joey. The film follows LaMotta’s rise and fall in the ring from 1941 to 1964, as well as his explosive temper outside the ring. The American Film Institute has recognized the film as #4 in the greatest 100 American films, and the #1 Sports film of all time.

What I Love

What initially drew me to Raging Bull years ago, was Martin Scorsese’s name. I admittedly had not seen a great number of his movies, but I adored Goodfellas, Gangs of New York, and being relatively young, The Departed, of course. Since watching Raging Bull, I’ve definitely expanded my Scorsese horizons, but this one is absolutely one of his best. It’s absolutely beautiful, especially on the Blu-Ray copy. The fighting montages are brilliant, the score is haunting, and the cinematography by Michael Chapman, which contrasts deep blacks and popping whites (this is a black and white film, by the way) is incredibly stunning.

DeNiro, as I said above, is wonderful in this. He pulled a Christian Bale and gained more than 60 pounds by the time the filming was complete to play the older version of LaMotta. The makeup applied to his face to make him look like a worn fighter is more than uncomfortable to look at. He won his first and only Best Actor Oscar (he won Best Supporting Actor for Godfather II), and deserved every piece of that statue. Pesci, who was both virtually unknown, and making his first Scorsese appearance, is incredible as DeNiro’s brother.

My Favorite Scene

The sixth and final fight with Sugar Ray Robinson is the most beautiful scene in the film. Almost all of the fighting sequences are great, as Scorsese zooms in on the fighters and allows the sound to go silent, as the score weaves in and out of the fists in slow motion. But something about this final fight sequence just gets me. The high contrast of the scene is mystifying. At one point, Scorsese chooses to turn the sound off and the camera zooms in on Robinson, breathing heavily as LaMotta is collapsing on the ropes. The build-up to the final punches is huge, as blood sprays in jets from LaMotta’s head, covering the crowd and announcers in a sea of blackened gore. It’s gorgeous.

What You Might Not Like

Jake LaMotta seems like he was a real asshole. Not only does he kick the shit out of Joe Pesci’s character multiple times, for seemingly nothing, he abuses two of his wives, both mentally and physically. If you’re at all familiar with the previous film Scorsese did with the screenwriter Paul Schrader – Taxi Driver – you might know what to expect: a gritty, unflinching portrait of a man with a lot of fucking problems. Raging Bull is no different, and Scorsese does not let up in the lip-biting viciousness of LaMotta’s character. Like I said, at times, this is a difficult film to watch.

How You Can Watch

Streaming on HBO Now as of 3/29/2017
Rent for $2.99 on Apple TV, Google Play, and Vudu

Final Score: 4/4

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Similar Films: Taxi Driver, The Fighter, Warrior

The Fast Franchise: Volume 6 – ‘The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift’

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006) – Action | Drama

Directed by: Justin Lin

Starring: Lucas Black and Sung Kang

Review by Eric Scot Lemons

And then there was Tokyo Drift. The Fast & Furious film chronology can easily be split into two parts, best defined by their look. The first three films produced, of which Tokyo Drift is included, are flashy, neon colored affairs that center almost exclusively on bragging rights involved in racing cars. The later three (that I have seen to this point) are hued in metallics and deep blues, focusing on heists and acrobatics. However, due to the strange chronology of the series, the events of Tokyo Drift take place after the events of the sixth film, in which the character Han dies during a car chase. It is all so confusing and stylistically jarring if you are watching the films in the same order as I am.

Story is not this film’s strong point. If you’ve ever seen a film, you have seen this story play out: fish out of water must prove himself. Sean (Lucas Black) is sent to live in Japan with his father, who I assume is in the Navy because every time he is seen, he is wearing a shirt that says “Navy.” He got in trouble for racing in America, so that’s his punishment. He goes to a formal Japanese school where he doesn’t understand the customs or the language and they suck as much “comedy” out of these situations as possible. He meets Twinkie (Bow Wow) and gets introduced to drifting, or sliding your car. He meets Han and they start racing together, and there are a fuckton of training montages, and a hot girl that the bad guy is dating, and there is a final showdown. So yes, you’ve seen this movie before.

This film is definitely the worst of the old school and therefore, the worst of the series. Lucas Black is brought in to be the Paul Walker RIP analog, which I read was the studio’s decision, believing Walker RIP to be too old to continue making F&F movies, but you showed them, right, Paul? RIP. Black has the badass look but is a terrible actor. There are moments when he is telling someone about something and I just am curious why he wants to kick their ass. His tone never matches the scenes. He is full of unnecessary intensity and creepy unmatched goofiness. Bow Wow is clearly a Ludacris analog. And just like the first film, Asians are corrupt as fuck. The only trustworthy people are expats living in Tokyo – including Han – the best motherfucker of all the motherfuckers.

Let’s talk at length about Han, cause he is my favorite subject when it comes to the Fast & Furious films. Sung Kang is such a natural and cool actor that despite being of Korean descent, isn’t a tech genius or a member of the Yakuza, or a martial arts expert. He is just a charming dude making money – which is what doesn’t make sense. Han’s past with the Torretto clan had him raking in millions and millions of dollars in capers, yet he goes to Japan and runs minor scams and skims money from the Yakuza. High risk, low reward type shit you’d think he’d be over.

Also, at the end of the 6th film, we see Han heartbroken over the loss of his love, Gal Gadot. In Japan, he seems carefree and untouched by any trouble ever. Now, I totally understand that the character was given so much more depth in the subsequent films to be produced after TD, but they could have worked harder to mesh these two worlds. Clearly, Justin Lin just loves working with Kang, whom has such an amazing presence in this world. But makes some connections, dude.

Ultimately, the film is flawed due to its title. This is a film focusing on car drifting. Which sounds cool, but after the first time you’ve seen it, you’ve seen the extent of what is going to happen. It is a highly technical racing skill, I am sure, but doesn’t translate well to film. Especially after I just saw F&F 6 in which there are people flying through the fucking air and grabbing love interests before they fall to their death. And this makes the film a strange subject. Like I’ve said, this film should be seen after 6, but really doesn’t fit in with latter F&F flicks. I knew it was going to be bad going in and it was still such a let down, due to what I am used to from Lin & Co. Try to avoid this one, unless you really love Han, or have to witness every piece of Furious lore. But seriously, it isn’t worth it.

The Fast Franchise: Volume 5 – ‘Fast & Furious 6’

Fast & Furious 6 (2013) – Action | Drama

Directed by: Justin Lin

Starring: Vin Diesel and Paul Walker

Review by Eric Scot Lemons

‘How did we get to this point?’ That seems to be the theme behind Fast & Furious 6; ruminating on the past and decisions made. The crew is back together for another task and this film is packed with emotion, which I guess they felt was missing in the other five flicks. Remember how Letty, the love of Dom’s life, died in a previous movie? Well, she is back. But wait, she has amnesia, which seems to be the go-to, along with ‘evil twin’ for bringing a side character back from the dead. We get to see Dom play the suitor to a girl he’d been boning for years, but he approaches the whole situation in that creepy, too close muttering incoherently in her ear style that I believe James Gandolfini probably perfected as he rounded out to 500 pounds. It is romantic, I suppose, if you know their love story, but amnesiac Letty doesn’t. So he just comes across to the audience as a sexual predator.

So the gang, like I said, is back together. They seem to be the default team random government agencies (this time it is DSS) hire to get bad guys who are hard to get. The bad guy in this one is Luke Evans and he is actually really good, mostly because he has that classic Brit baddy feel. The Rock returns for this one and as always, is an amazing motherfucker. He walks into a room of like 20 overweight security guards at computers and just fucking intimidates them into following whatever plan he had going. But seriously, I have no clue what happened or why it happened in this movie. It is so convoluted and every character’s motivation seems to be some lofty ideal unrooted in reality. The end goal is to be granted amnesty by the US government so they can return home to East LA, but there were moments in which side characters just beat on each other for like 10 minutes, and I actually asked my wife, “Why are they fighting?” Why are they fighting is not a question that should be ever asked in an action film, where good and evil are two distinct opposite stances, but all of these characters seem devoted to being a dick to each other.

What is there really to say about this film? It is good. Not the best one, but it is good. It probably has the best stunts of the entire franchise, with the final set piece involving cars and a massive jumbo jet, and attacks on all fronts. And there is another scene involving a tank and fast cars and a bridge that is two miles suspended above the Earth, or so it would seem. Why? Cause it is fucking awesome, but truth be told, it makes no sense in the film. It just is the way it is.

Dialogue is absolute shit in this, and makes me feel spoiled by Fast Five. Gal Gadot dies in the end, leading Han to go to Tokyo without her because he is Korean. Jordana Brewster unfortunately survives this one, despite her forehead slowly consuming the majority of her skull. Paul Walker RIP kinda takes a back seat to this one, cause this is definitely Dom’s flick. Nos is not featured in the cars, but I swear to fucking god, they make a Nos gun. It sounds made up cause what does that even mean? But there’s a Nos gun.

Ultimately, I asked the same question in this film. How did we get to this point? Everyone seems to be going through the motions. The action has become more cartoonish and the motivations more lazy. These films definitely follow a formula, one that has become increasingly stale. But the end of the film finds the gang returning to LA, time for a reset. Raise their children. Make jokes about each other’s engines. Until some new adventure crests on the horizon.

The Fast Franchise: Volume 4 – ‘Fast Five’

Fast 5

Fast Five (2011) – Action | Drama

Directed by: Justin Lin

Starring: Vin Diesel and Paul Walker

Review by Eric Scot Lemons

So, I decided a while back to review the entire franchise of The Fast and The Furious as a joke. I had always heard they were fun films and seem to be very popular with fans of action flicks, but my Satan, these have turned into a spectacle to behold. What started out as a joke film about street racers and car stereo boosters has become international espionage and heist films that stand beside some of the best in cinema. This is all hyperbole, but fucking christ these are cool ass flicks.

Fast Five is the first in the series not to open on women in booty shorts and skirts standing around neon painted, over-sized remote control cars. No, this one opens on a gang of fucking best friends forever racing after the jailhouse bus that Dom is cruising in. They figure, what better way to get our friend out of jail than fucking crashing his goddamn bus along interstate. Well, it worked. And Dom is a free man. They kick sand down to Rio or some other country ran by a despot with a Spanish accent, and proceed to do what they do best: fuck shit up for rich amoral dudes. They decide to assemble a team of recognizable stars from the other films, including Tyrese, who has apparently grown out of his shirtless phase, and Luda who has apparently grown out of his manic, wisecracking leprechaun shtick.

Everyone is a happy family taking down drug dealers, until BAH BAH BAAAAH. The Dwayne The Motherfucking Rock Johnson shows up as some kind of law enforcement agent hellbent on catching the Torretto clan, as well as the crazy bad guy. When a film relies so heavily on a muscle-bound brown bald dude, what better way to up the ante than adding another one. Seriously though, there were times when the characters were running away from the camera and I couldn’t tell if it was Vinny D or The People’s Elbow. So the whole thing about this movie is they are trying to steal money from the druglord, but the druglord knows they are coming so he hides the vault in a police station. HEIST TIME, Y’ALL!!

Things get fucking boring for a while when you get like three fucking heist preparation montages backed by witty banter, and Ludacris has somehow become a fucking hacker tech genius. You do see the budding relationship between the new best character in the F&F, a Korean driver from Tokyo Drift (weird, right?) named Han. What is Han’s last name, you ask. Seoul-Oh. Not kidding they named the Korean badass and all around sexy man tiger, Han Seoul-Oh. That’s some next level shit. But Han Seoul-Oh is developing a romance with Gal Gadot and it is saucy.

The stunts were fucking insane throughout, but as seems to be the way with F&F films, the most exciting stunts occur in the first third, despite the fact that we are quarter-miles away from the climax. Like there’s this part where Paul Walker RIP is stuck on a train and Dom has to drive next to the train speeding toward a bridge. Paul Walker RIP jumps just in time and they drive into the water. It is cooler when you see it, trust me. The final stunt is one where they attach the vault to two cars and drag it through the fucking city using it as a wrecking ball, wiping out corrupt cops, or as we call them in America, cops. At one point, it looks like one of the bad guys has the drop on the two cars when all of a sudden it is taken out by, you guessed it, Han fucking Seoul-Oh, like Han Solo in Star Wars! Ah shit, it is really amazing.

The film is by far the best of the series, and the addition of The Rock gives it a sense of gravity and seriousness that has been missing. Jordana Brewster is still in this one and she sucks and looks like she’s had plastic surgery. Vin Diesel weirdly has huge pecs and a huge tummy. But I ain’t complaining.

The Fast Franchise: Volume 3 – ‘Fast and Furious’

Fast and Furious (2009) – Action | Drama

Directed by: Justin Lin

Starring: Vin Diesel and Paul Walker

Review by Eric Scot Lemons

A little bit about myself before I start this review. I am a father of three and as fucking vanilla as they come. I have missionary sex and know next to nothing about cars. But after watching Fast & Furious (or Fast 4 to us, Fastiacs), a movie that is like the first except willing to forgo definite articles, I am cruising through Craigslist, checking out cars, saying things like “drive train” and “capistulators” or “pass me a Monster Energy Drink.” I am searching YouTube vids on how to replace the spoiler sticker advertisements on a BMW 9000 just in case that may come in handy someday.

But anyway, Dom is back, motherfuckers; so is Letty and so is Brian, and unfortunately so is Jordana Brewster’s character. So yes, this is my third entry and the fourth film and if your math sensors are flaring, it may be because I don’t follow no fucking rules. But seriously, every online authority on the topic suggests that I watch the films in this order, cause that fits the chronology of the “story” in the franchise.

So this film starts with the gang back together as they try to run a heist on a moving fuel tanker. The stunts are terrific with Letty jumping around on the back of the semi-truck. Peril ensues. They barely make it out with their lives, and so Dom decides to leave the love of his life and break up the crew as to save each other the inevitable death that awaits them at the end of Crime Blvd. But guess what? Letty dies anyway. So Dom must avenge his fallen love. Brian is an FBI agent looking for the same peeps, so the two paths crossyet again and the greatest bromance to ever exist is rekindled once more. They must go undercover and defeat a drug lord.

Sound familiar? Much of this film’s plot is recycled from 2 Fast 2 Furious. Yet, far better executed. Justin Lin directs this film and finally after 8 years, the films about the coolest motherfuckers on Earth, actually looks cool. The film has a cohesive look throughout, although, if I am going to act like a grandpa, I will point out that some scenes were really fucking dark, being able to barely make out the muscle cars speeding through a Mexican cave. Maybe I need to turn up my settings. It is fun to watch for the most part, outside of the weird scenes that seem destined only to make frat guys cheer: like putting away a fellow racer on meth charges or the various lesbianic kisses as set pieces to show how cool the surrounding guys are.

Every one finally learned how to act in this one, which is strange, but maybe Tokyo Drift (the third flick featuring no original cast members besides Diesel) was a wake-up call for all involved. Paul Walker RIP is brunet in this one, which makes his eyeballs even more blue. I got so lost in them that I would crash into a telephone pole too. Jordana Brewster still makes me wonder why she is present at all. Gal Gadot is in this and she is pretty cool, although comes across as a love interest for Dom, with whom she has absolutely no chemistry. Also, Vin Diesel wears a ton of different V-necks in this and not your expensive Express for Men v-necks, but like the sorta see-thru Hanes ones so his nipples are just present in most scenes. Tyrese just takes his shirt off in the second one a bunch but that is a welcome addition to all films.

The racing and chase scenes are still pretty cool to watch, yet I wouldn’t be able to relate to you any stunt that was really cool. Just a lot of the characters talking to each other despite being in separate cars. There is a really cool scene toward the end in which they kidnap the druglord in Mexico and try to get him back into USA, a la Dog the Bounty Hunter. They are chased through the desert by shooting gangsters in a scene the most recently feels reminiscent of Fury Road, but has its roots down the line of 70’s American action flicks.

My one complaint is that Nos was featured so little in this movie and when they finally hit the button to send them flying, instead of the Rainbow Road-everything gets blurry shit, you just see their heads push back into the headrests. Probably much more realistic, but less iconic.

Terrific fucking film. Fun, better plotting and better acting. Okay stunts. I’d check it out, but wouldn’t make it my go-to if I felt like watching a balls out balls deep car chase movie. Definitely love the direction of the series so far.

The Fast Franchise: Volume 2 – ‘2 Fast 2 Furious’

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2 Fast 2 Furious (2003) – Action | Drama

Directed by: John Singleton

Starring: Paul Walker and Tyrese Gibson

Review by Eric Scot Lemons

2 Fast 2 Furious is, at its core, a film for people who don’t know the difference between two and too. The inevitable sequel to the 2001 street racing hit loses much of what made the original so spectacular, most importantly Vin Diesel. This film loses its star and its director, and replaces the LA locale with the supposedly vibrant Miami. Bienvenidos a Miami! But realistically the film could have been shot in Hoboken. I really couldn’t get a grasp on this film. There were so many times in which I wanted to just roll my eyes due to the boring shots, yet there was some truly beautiful blocking and depth of field to certain scenes. I was so impressed with the first third of the film visually, I looked up the director on IMDB. I was actually curious about who directed a Fast and Furious flick. Surprised me too. It was Oscar-nominated director John Singleton.

The plot follows the most boring character of the original film, Brian (last named changed from Spilner to O’Connor, because he’s a fucking hero now) as he is recruited by the FBI to work undercover to take down a cartel kingpin. Well, I mean, he is recruited by US Customs, but also(?) works for the FBI. I couldn’t quite understand what was going on, plotwise. And it does follow the same cognitive dissonance of Armageddon in which it appears easier to train a street racer to be an FBI agent than the other way around. But Brian decides to bring along his best friend from back in the day, who now hates him, played by Tyrese Gibson. A clear replacement for Dom. A racing pal to whom Brian must prove himself. The rest of the film is fast cars and Eva Mendes as a love interest that really doesn’t add anything other than a motivation to complete the movie. The drug lord is maniacal but pretty bland, wearing clothes from 70’s Kung-Fu flicks.

gay fight 2

Paul Walker RIP very clearly cannot carry a movie by himself. Luckily, they hired Tyrese, who is legitimately good at trash-talking and being tough (the two primary needs for a role in any F&F movie), but feels amateurish when he is clearly told to comedically riff. Paul Walker RIP went from bland pretty boy in the first flick to Cali surf kid, spending most of the film in a West Coast Customs t-shirt and Dickies Shorts. Ludacris is hit or miss (ANOTHER FUCKING RHYME!)

Many of the car races feel recycled from the first film also. You know the stakes and you know the characters and you know what is going to happen. There is not a lot of suspense built into the Win or Lose scenarios. I was, however, thoroughly impressed by the scene in which the bad guy is torturing a cop by placing a rat under a bucket on his bare chest, and heating the bucket, forcing the rat to try to burrow through the man’s torso. The effect is super cool and the imagination runs roughshod with the concept.

Overall, the film feels pieced together in an attempt for a quick cash grab, without fully understanding the world of the original film, nor the reason people tuned in. I would probably never watch this flick again, as it was just dumb without the fun. The film ends with the two homies jumping a ramp onto a yacht that is speeding away – which sounds amazing. But somehow, it lets you down and thus, is the perfect analogy for the film.

The Fast Franchise: Volume One – ‘The Fast and the Furious’

Fast-Furious

The Fast and the Furious (2001) – Action | Drama

Directed by: Rob Cohen

Starring: Vin Diesel and Paul Walker

Review by Eric Scot Lemons

For those of you who are unenlightened, The Fast and the Furious is a tale of men, mostly white, who are both quick and angry. They drive cars, not to run errands, but to race each other and steal “high-end” electronics. The story centers around Brian, who is secretly a cop trying to infiltrate a gang of street racers in order to get to the bottom of a bunch of thefts involving fast cars. It is essentially Point Break but for a new generation of douchebags who unironically drink Nos energy drink and put over-sized spoilers, and neon racing stripes on their souped up Kia Sentras. Everyone in the film speaks with a superfluous intensity and in faux manly witticisms. “I live my life a quarter mile at a time.” The soundtrack is a mix between Ja Rule B-sides and Limp Bizkit hits. That all being said, this may be one of the coolest movies I have ever seen.

Vin Diesel is Dom, the leader of the gang and brother of the girl Brian wants to bang (that’s a motherfucking rhyme, FYI), and speaks using guttural utterances with the least possible use of his tongue. This is probably why Diesel (formerly known as Mark Sinclair) has done voice work for such eloquent characters as Iron Giant and Groot. He cares about two things: racing cars and protecting his sister. Also sexing Michelle Rodriguez in Room-esque montages. Also, his dead dad. So, there are a bunch of things he cares about. He is “boosting merch,” as the streetwise LAPD call it, and Brian, played by the creepily handsome Paul Walker (RIP), is the man sent undercover to fuck his sister and, secondarily stop(?) them from stealing car stereos from moving semis. He falls in love with both Dom’s sister and potentially with Dom himself, and when it is time to arrest Dom for being a life criminal, he inexplicably lets him go – because they had achieved something so much greater than justice. And the Bro Code supercedes all other laws. Drive off in my discreet bright orange racer so the cops don’t find you.

That’s all I can tell you about the plot. There is some side shit about Asians stealing shit too. But it just feels like excuses to get in epic, and I mean fucking epic, car chases. The best thing about the film is the practical effects on the car chases and crashes. They are constantly going after peeps in semis and on motorcycles around busy streets and there are a lot of long looks from drivers to each other as they prepare to do something awesome. It is fun. The plot is dumb. But every time the engines rev and the music starts pumping with, “Watch your back!” you can’t help but pay attention. I love films that know exactly what they are. This is a film made to feature high action and countless (amazing amount) of product placement, and all the writer had to do is put in a little dialogue to make you slightly care about the handsome white man in the green car as he runs after the Japanese man in the black car.

And that’s something I wanted to talk about with this initial foray into the speedster franchise. There seems to be this weird subtext of race that permeates throughout. Nothing is defined in such terms blatantly, but during the initial race, we see a clear definition of groups: there are the Asians, the Latinos, the Black racers, and the white team. And though all enter in with friendly competition, there still is a defining line differentiating all the teams. Dom, played by a half-black Vin Diesel is the wrench in purely racial grouping, but having his sister be a white Jordana Brewster with a shit load of bronzer makes me wonder if Dom was written as white and cast with the up-and-coming Diesel, fresh off of his success in Pitch Black.

In fact, the big racing competition where all the groups eventually meet is called “Race Wars.” Is this the work of the Alt-Right race-driven concepts of supremacy, wherein the only person of color to defeat the main white group is the aforementioned Japanese man, using illegally smuggled parts? Or is this just the laziness of a white screenwriter who can’t think outside of his own prejudices? I tend to believe it is the latter, rather than the former, due to the fact that pretty much everyone in this film is corrupt on some level, and the corruption becomes law. And while I don’t believe The Fast and the Furious intends to be a narrative on the competition between races, I do believe that White Nationalists play this movie in the lobby of their headquarters. Probably in North Idaho. Or the White House.

Overall, this movie is flush with idiotic fun and fast cars and Morpheus sunglasses. Will the film bring about enlightenment or the path to understanding the human condition? Nope. But if you want to get stoned and see bright colors and hear loud music. Check this fucker out.