Film Reviews

Ed Wood Jesus Do? – KUSO

New Column Time – As you may know, our cult film podcast, Ed Wood Jesus Do?, has been unleashed upon the world, and though in great length we will dissecting films through an audio format, there are films too important not to discuss here. So welcome to Ed Wood Jesus Do? The Column! (THE N IS SILENT, MOTHERFUCKERS!) These will be less reviews and more explorations of what works and why you should see them.

Film: KUSO (2017)

Directed by Steve, or Steve Ellison, or Flying Lotus. Written by Steve Ellison, David Firth, and Zack Fox. Follow them on Twitter or whatever.

Available Exclusively on Shudder

this shit is written by eric

Good gravy! That’s all I can say directly after seeing the 2017 horror film, KUSO. I don’t even have time to replay the events in my mind or to even find a suitable through-line to make everything digestible. I am going from the gut on this motherfucker and the gut is telling me that KUSO is the greatest film to ever be created by Earthlings. I am not 100% certain these Earthlings exist on our temporal-spatial plane, and in fact, this is the Citizen Kane of a dimension in which films are strange, and linger in parts of your brain not connected to logic or consciousness. So maybe us.

KUSO is the first film directed by Steve Ellison, otherwise known as Flying Lotus. If you have not heard of him, I am sure by the name, you can easily pick up what he is putting down. This film follows four chaotic vignettes in a post-earthquake, surrealist LA. It was co-written by David Firth, creator of the legendary YouTube creep hype toon, Salad Fingers. The film is strange, deep in its shallowness with a depth that is shallow in and of itself. There are CGI breasts and even a psychotropic healer named Mr. Quibbles living inside George Clinton’s asshole. It also features Adult Swim and Comedy Central alums such as Hannibal Burress, Tim Heidecker, Anders Holm, and Donnell Rawlings. It is intense, scary, gross, and fucking awesome.

Let’s stop there. This isn’t just a weird film. That’s right, we’re about to get real in here. Flying Lotus’ filmmaking is a lot like his rap. He riddles the listener with absurd lines and awkward sounds, but behind all the ugly surrealism and the offensiveness meant to shock, there is real fucking talent. This film feels like the marriage of the absurdist humor of Tim and Eric with the ultra-violent visions of Takashi Miike. It is as important to cinema in 2017 as Eraserhead was in 1977. Every shot of a little person rubbing his own feces all over a sticky xenomorphesque pod in the woods is bookended by magical scenes that instantly develop the tone in much the same way Apichatpong Weerasethakul established his in the astounding Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall his Past Lives. There is a melding of obtuse CGI imagery with Troma-style practical effects. A lesser artist would have left you feeling lost inside, but Mr. Lotus creates a world that doesn’t give a fuck about how cohesive it looks. As much as this film may be dismissed as kissing the ass of Bunuel, it must be remembered much of the beauty of the famed Spanish surrealist was incorporated to allow subversive thought to become more easily digestible. KUSO is subversive thought wrapped in a fucking tortilla shell of subversive style. In other words, just like Flying Lotus.

For now, the real question is: “How the fuck am I supposed to return to my life? What am I supposed to do with the vivid imagery of someone repeatedly stabbing the head of an erect penis with an ice pick?” My guess is that I need to watch it again to try and make sense of it. And when I can’t, I’ll tell someone else to watch it, and you should too. Tell your high friends to watch it; dissect it in between bitter bong hits. Tell your church friends to watch it and that God exists and He created a masterpiece about two fuzzy creatures who perform abortions like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat; “Get over here!” “Fatality!” “Toasty!” Tell your mother to fuck off, she probably won’t like this film.

The film enters with Busdriver, one of my all-time favorite lords of Hip-Hop, doing a majestic spoken word piece. He only returns post-credit with another melodic monologue, a sigh of relief, a bit of beautiful levity to let us know that though the world is absurd, we live in it, and will continue to live in it. “So skin me alive. I survived, and I can barely believe it; quake,” he says in the last line of his soliloquy. “So skin me alive. I survived, and I can barely believe it; quake.” And with that, we get the most profound statement of this film, and possibly our lives.

Weekend Movies: Valerian or Dunkirk?

By Holly Hill @hollishillis

Valerian or Dunkirk? I had the opportunity to see both this week and if you’re still having trouble deciding I thought I’d give you a hand.

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I saw Dunkirk last Monday as part of an early screening group. I see a lot of movies based on Rotten Tomatoes reviews and on Monday Dunkirk had zero reviews and Valerian had 69% percent, which is still fresh. I was pretty excited to see both. I’m a big Cara Delevingne fan on and off camera, and I loved the previews for this massive sci-fi CGI film. As of Saturday, that rating dropped from 69% to 55%, but having already seen an early showing of Dunkirk I thought why not go see Valerian too, even if it’s not the best film, it should still be entertaining right?

And I was right. Valerian has its flaws but overall it entertains. The first ten minutes of the movie are weird and uninteresting, but there is a solid chunk of the movie from after that 10 minute mark and into the first hour of the film that you can see all of the potential Valerian had.

The full movie title for this film is Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, and it’s based off a comic book series called Valerian and Laureline. Truthfully, they should have stuck with the comic book title because the entire movie is really a backdrop for how Valerian wants Laureline to marry him and she won’t because he’s a player and can’t prove his love to her. Yawn. Parts of that story line are okay though. The two have some chemistry that flows well in the beginning but by the end of the movie it falls apart. The script is kind of a mess, but the visuals make up for it a tiny bit as does Delivine’s fantastic comedic timing. Sadly, some scenes seem to exist just so Delivine can have her hair done and an outfit change (I mean she looks great so no complaining here, but get back to the story, right?)

Valerian+dane+dehaan+cara+delevingne

The script is full of telling and not showing. It’s a MOVIE, right? So SHOW me the different parts of the City of a Thousand Planets, don’t have Alex the ships smart omniscient voice (yes Alex, I swear this movie is a giant advertisement for Amazon’s Alexa) tell me about it in a monotone fashion. SHOW me that Valerian cares about Laureline, because I just got told a bunch of times out loud by him that he cares about her. But I also got zero background on the two. How long have they been partners? what’s the backstory? Why do they care so fiercely about each other?

And at the end I’m left not even wanting the story to bother showing me because I’m over it anyway. Also, Rihanna shows up for no reason so there’s that. The theater was less than half full and besides the group of teens behind me who thought every part was hilarious and fun, no one else seemed to be that into it.

Overall it was an entertaining movie, but if I hadn’t seen Dunkirk earlier in the week I would have tossed Valerian aside for the 92% rating it pulled in by Friday.

There hasn’t been a good war film in my mind, since Fury so I was really excited for this one to come out. Director Christopher Nolan has pulled together a great cast with some notable names such as Kenneth Branagh, Tom Hardy (swoon), Cillian Murphy (swoon again), and Harry Styles (swoon, if you’re into that sort of thing). The movie takes place over a series of a day or two on the shores and the channel of Dover, England and Dunkirk France. Nolan splits the film into three parts. The Mole (essentially the shore and loading dock of Dunkirk), the sea and the air.

The film has very little dialogue and a kick ass fucking score, which builds all the suspense in the world. Get ready to jump every time a bullet or torpedo is fired. You’ll be so far on the edge of your seat by the time the action gets going, you’ll forget that nearly no words have been uttered so far.

Nolan has created fictional characters for this movies so if you’re a history buff like me, you’ll be slightly appointed that you can’t Google the characters name afterwards and find out how much of that actually happened. Honestly though the whole thing is so damn entertaining you won’t really care all that much afterwards.

Nolan has apparently been working on this script for over a decade. He insisted that a lot of the sets be built rather than CGI created (a far cry from our previous talked about film) and you can really tell the actor’s are able to get into it because the world around them feels so real.

In the end, it depends on what type of movie you like. War or Sci-Fi? Suspense or Comedy? I liked them both, but I would have probably waited for Valerian to stream rather than seeing it in theaters if I hadn’t had the early screening of Dunkirk. The biggest disappointment of Valerian is the glimpse of the potential it had being squandered and the biggest disappointment for Dunkirk is that Tom Hardy’s face is covered for nearly the entire movie. Here’s a bit where it isn’t. Enjoy.

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 11: The Devils and The Holy Mountain

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 11

‘The Devils and The Holy Mountain’

Welcome to the 11th episode of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast, where the three writers of cinemabysmal.com talk about what society would consider some of the worst of the worst media out there. We are joined by our good friend Ian, as we talk about psychedelic horror films of the 1970s: The Devils & The Holy Mountain. Check it out on all your favorite apps below! As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

iTunes – https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cinemabysmal/id1153464020?mt=2

Google Play Music –https://play.google.com/music/m/Irjld24rxpsi22hdnugilmxh57u?t=CinemAbysmal

SoundCloud – https://soundcloud.com/cinemabysmal/the-devils-the-holy-mountain

Stitcher – https://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=128435&refid=asa

Spreaker – http://www.spreaker.com/show/cinemabysmals-show

You can also find us on BeyondPod! Just search for CinemAbysmal.

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 6: ‘Santa Clarita Diet’ & ‘Samurai Cop’

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 6
‘Santa Clarita Diet & Samurai Cop’

Well here we are, already on episode six! This one was a blast as we are joined by the hilarious Yoli Banos (@ybanos) to discuss season one of Netflix’s Santa Clarita Diet and 1991’s ‘so bad it’s good’ classic, Samurai Cop. Check it out on all your favorite apps below! As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

iTunes – https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cinemabysmal/id1153464020?mt=2

Google Play Music – https://play.google.com/music/m/Irjld24rxpsi22hdnugilmxh57u?t=CinemAbysmal

SoundCloud – https://soundcloud.com/cinemabysmal/06-samurai-cop-santa-clarita

Stitcher – http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=128435&refid=asa

Spreaker – https://www.spreaker.com/user/cinemabysmal

You can also find us on BeyondPod! Just search for CinemAbysmal.

The Fast Franchise: Volume 3 – ‘Fast and Furious’

Fast and Furious (2009) – Action | Drama

Directed by: Justin Lin

Starring: Vin Diesel and Paul Walker

Review by Eric Scot Lemons

A little bit about myself before I start this review. I am a father of three and as fucking vanilla as they come. I have missionary sex and know next to nothing about cars. But after watching Fast & Furious (or Fast 4 to us, Fastiacs), a movie that is like the first except willing to forgo definite articles, I am cruising through Craigslist, checking out cars, saying things like “drive train” and “capistulators” or “pass me a Monster Energy Drink.” I am searching YouTube vids on how to replace the spoiler sticker advertisements on a BMW 9000 just in case that may come in handy someday.

But anyway, Dom is back, motherfuckers; so is Letty and so is Brian, and unfortunately so is Jordana Brewster’s character. So yes, this is my third entry and the fourth film and if your math sensors are flaring, it may be because I don’t follow no fucking rules. But seriously, every online authority on the topic suggests that I watch the films in this order, cause that fits the chronology of the “story” in the franchise.

So this film starts with the gang back together as they try to run a heist on a moving fuel tanker. The stunts are terrific with Letty jumping around on the back of the semi-truck. Peril ensues. They barely make it out with their lives, and so Dom decides to leave the love of his life and break up the crew as to save each other the inevitable death that awaits them at the end of Crime Blvd. But guess what? Letty dies anyway. So Dom must avenge his fallen love. Brian is an FBI agent looking for the same peeps, so the two paths crossyet again and the greatest bromance to ever exist is rekindled once more. They must go undercover and defeat a drug lord.

Sound familiar? Much of this film’s plot is recycled from 2 Fast 2 Furious. Yet, far better executed. Justin Lin directs this film and finally after 8 years, the films about the coolest motherfuckers on Earth, actually looks cool. The film has a cohesive look throughout, although, if I am going to act like a grandpa, I will point out that some scenes were really fucking dark, being able to barely make out the muscle cars speeding through a Mexican cave. Maybe I need to turn up my settings. It is fun to watch for the most part, outside of the weird scenes that seem destined only to make frat guys cheer: like putting away a fellow racer on meth charges or the various lesbianic kisses as set pieces to show how cool the surrounding guys are.

Every one finally learned how to act in this one, which is strange, but maybe Tokyo Drift (the third flick featuring no original cast members besides Diesel) was a wake-up call for all involved. Paul Walker RIP is brunet in this one, which makes his eyeballs even more blue. I got so lost in them that I would crash into a telephone pole too. Jordana Brewster still makes me wonder why she is present at all. Gal Gadot is in this and she is pretty cool, although comes across as a love interest for Dom, with whom she has absolutely no chemistry. Also, Vin Diesel wears a ton of different V-necks in this and not your expensive Express for Men v-necks, but like the sorta see-thru Hanes ones so his nipples are just present in most scenes. Tyrese just takes his shirt off in the second one a bunch but that is a welcome addition to all films.

The racing and chase scenes are still pretty cool to watch, yet I wouldn’t be able to relate to you any stunt that was really cool. Just a lot of the characters talking to each other despite being in separate cars. There is a really cool scene toward the end in which they kidnap the druglord in Mexico and try to get him back into USA, a la Dog the Bounty Hunter. They are chased through the desert by shooting gangsters in a scene the most recently feels reminiscent of Fury Road, but has its roots down the line of 70’s American action flicks.

My one complaint is that Nos was featured so little in this movie and when they finally hit the button to send them flying, instead of the Rainbow Road-everything gets blurry shit, you just see their heads push back into the headrests. Probably much more realistic, but less iconic.

Terrific fucking film. Fun, better plotting and better acting. Okay stunts. I’d check it out, but wouldn’t make it my go-to if I felt like watching a balls out balls deep car chase movie. Definitely love the direction of the series so far.

Netflix’s A Series of Unfortunate Events

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Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events (2017)

Directed by: Barry Sonnenfeld

Starring: Neil Patrick Harris and Patrick Warburton

How I Watched: Netflix

Review by: Holly Hill

Looks like we can finally wipe the 2004 A Series of Unfortunate Events movie from our minds. Netflix has revived the book series by Lemony Snicket, and Daniel Handler (the real Lemony Snicket) has written eight beautiful episodes for the series, giving it the whimsical outlandish adaptation it deserves.

The first season has eight episodes that cover the first four books of the thirteen book series. This allows for an hour and a half to be dedicated to each book, with a Part One and a Part Two. For anyone who has read the books, you will appreciate that the creators have been able to capture the absurdity of the situations the Baudelaire orphans are put in.

Let’s start with the opening credits. “Look away, Look Away”, is the song that greets us as we go through a map of all the unfortunate events that are about to take place. It echoes what Lemony is always telling the reader in the book: unless you want to feel miserable, stop reading. The song is performed by Neil Patrick Harris (more on him later), and each new episode has a more detailed version of what fate awaits the orphans each episode. Simply put, it’s brilliant.

Onto the sets and costumes. The entire thing felt like I’d walked into a Wes Anderson film. The sets were gorgeous. The entire look of the series also has an Addams Family feel as well, which is appropriate seeing as the director for the 1991 film also directs five of the episodes. The sets are so fully realized, it’s hard to not be impressed. Uncle Monty’s gardens, Count Olaf’s decrepit home, and even Briny Beach where the story really begins. No detail is too small.

The acting. Neil. Patrick. Harris. Is there anything he can’t do? I love that we get to see a different character from him every single episode. He’s trying to be Count Olaf, but he’s also Stephano. He’s a sailor, but he’s trying to kill the children. No matter what it is, NPH pulls it off. No surprises there. The musical number in the first episode had me dying. The children are all casted wonderfully and I have no major complaints, even though Sunny’s CGI actions kind of creep me out. Olaf’s theatre troupe is everything a book reader could ask for, and Mr. Poe is obviously the best worst character.

Throughout the books, Lemony Snicket will stop the reader to explain that he is very serious, this will not be a happy ending. Or he will explain a phrase that most kids don’t understand, or a word. Have they cut this from the show? Absolutely not. Lemony Snicket acts as the viewer’s narrator, and he is played by Patrick Warburton.

There are also a plethora of subtle nods to the books while adding in some new fun plot lines as well. Count Olaf saying, “Except I can’t seem to find the sugar bowl.” I mean, come on. Will Arnett and Cobie Smulders are playing [what we assume to be] the Baudelaire’s parents, and it looks like they will be up to some pretty interesting things in the series trying to reconnect with their children.

In the end, what makes people want to watch more A Series of Unfortunate Events? Well, all of the above mentioned things are a start, but I think what really has people coming back is that the show is just like the books. It is the purest adaptation I’ve seen quiet possibly ever.

While waiting for Season Two, remember that if you need help, don’t call the regular fire department, check the sugar bowl, and look for clues in acrostic poems. I am looking forward to learning more about VFD, the fate of the parents, The Quagmire Triplets, Esme Squalor and Carmelita Spats. If you feel like you can’t wait for Season Two, I’d go back and do a frame by frame rewatch of the series. There are clues EVERYWHERE.

31 Days of Horror – ‘Creep’

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Creep

Directed by: Patrick Brice

Starring: Patrick Brice and Mark Duplass

Review by CinemAbysmal

First of all, this was not supposed to be the psychological horror movie that it turned out to be. Apparently, Duplass and Brice showed the early cut to their friends and they suggested they turned the mostly improvised story into a horror movie. There’s word out there that it even has three alternate endings (the one they left in was pretty damn good).

Most people know Mark Duplass as Pete from The League on FX. And while I find him pretty damn hilarious in that show, I think I respect him more for his efforts in producing, writing and directing ‘Mumblecore’ films and TV shows such as The Puffy Chair and HBO’s Togetherness. I’m not exactly the hugest fan of this breed of film, but I appreciate it because it reminds me quite a bit of 1970’s Woody Allen. So when I saw he was in a pseudo-found footage film, I was pretty excited to check it out.

Mark Duplass is definitely the best part of this movie. It’s perfectly titled, as he is truly creepy as Josef, a dude hanging out in a cabin in the woods who hired a videographer for one day on Craigslist. The protagonist, Aaron (Patrick Brice, who actually directed the film as well), is pretty great as the videographer that is suffering through Josef’s pretty damn annoying antics, until you see something else is really wrong with Josef. I’ll stop there, but it’s a pretty excellent portrayal of crazy by Duplass.

Creep isn’t perfect. In fact, at times, it feels a bit insufferable with Mark Duplass doing everything he can to be the most insane, obsessive person on earth. What it is though, is a nice departure from the found-footage films we’ve been force fed over the last couple decades. There’s very natural discussions, which leads to some pretty convincing fear and scares coming from the actors. Don’t expect it to be too funny with Duplass, but just sit back and enjoy what’s about to hit you.

‘CinemAbysmal: The Podcast’ Episode 2

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The new episode of CinemAbysmal: The Podcast is out for all your aural pleasure! Holly, Eric and Nick get spooky just in time for Halloween and discuss The Wicker Man with Nicolas Cage, Netflix’s Hemlock Grove, and are relentlessly interrupted by everything that the world could possibly throw at them. Check it out in the link below!

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast Episode 2 – The Wicker Man and Hemlock Grove

31 Days of Horror – ‘Evil Dead (2013)’

evildead

Evil Dead (2013)

Directed by: Fede Alvarez

Starring: Jane Levy and Shiloh Fernandez

Review by CinemAbysmal

I’m going to begin with a disclaimer: I love the Evil Dead universe. It’s immensely influential upon many things that I really dig, whether it’s music, movies or TV. And it’s based on Lovecraftian ideas which really gets me going. So when I first learned that The Evil Dead was being remade, I was naturally very skeptical. Then I saw the red-band trailer and I knew everything would be OK.

When marketing began for this movie, it was being advertised as “The Most Terrifying Film You Will Ever Experience.” While it definitely was not that for me, this is an incredibly gruesome movie that does not let up AT ALL. The sky honestly rains blood, there’s close-up eye mutilation, a tree literally rapes a woman, and don’t worry, there’s some ridiculous chainsaw scenes. It took a lot of what worked in the original films and turned it up to 11, with more cringeworthy scenes than a lot of people are willing to handle.

One natural problem I had with the movie, is there isn’t an Ash Williams. While I don’t really mean “Ash should have been in this movie,” I really think the film would have benefited from a more badass and likable character. Jane Levy does a great job as the character that was written (a recovering heroin addict), but you don’t really cheer for her like you would with Ash in the original trilogy and Ash vs Evil Dead. And I get it, this is a balls-to-the-wall horror film, but I still felt like I needed a laugh or two by the time this grueling monster was done.

If you can handle it, this is a great movie for multiple viewings. I catch more with every new watch (I’ve only seen it three times), but there are clever, loving nods to the original films which will make any Deadite happy. However, I’m warning you again: this is a relentlessly fucked up film that is sure to satiate the most brutal gorehounds.