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Twin Sneaks – Volume One: Pilot

Welcome to Twin Sneaks! I started this column about a year ago, but stopped watching the show as I wanted to wait until the new Season 3 was closer. What I’m hoping to do here is recap all the episodes for you guys leading up to the new premiere on May 21st (EEEEEK!!) After that, I’ll continue to recap the new episodes for you, and have them ready to go every Monday or Tuesday! There will, of course, be SPOILERS in these recaps, so please stop reading (or don’t, I’m not you mom) and WATCH THE DAMN SHOW ON NETFLIX, YOU JERK!

Twin Peaks – Pilot

Directed by: David Lynch

Written by: David Lynch and Mark Frost

Recap by Nick Spanjer

Because the Pilot is so damn long (a little more than twice as long as most of the episodes), this recap was originally split into two parts. So forgive the length, but I feel like it covers the episode pretty well. Also, don’t watch the International Version of the Pilot (included in both the excellent DVD Gold Box and beautiful Blu-Ray set; the Pilot included on Netflix is this version I’m recapping) unless you’ve seen the whole series. Lynch and Co. didn’t know if the show would be picked up and gave away some key pieces of the story at the end.

I hate the way Twin Peaks begins. Not the slow, painful reveal of Laura Palmer’s unfortunate demise or the grueling realization of her death by her parents. No, the worst part of how Twin Peaks begins is the ultimate foreshadowing of a wasted storyline that I’ve come to rank right above the James/Evelyn Marsh melodrama: Josie Packard. The camera zooms in on her, staring longingly into a mirror with that “I’m taking a shit” face she always has on.

I’m going to be talking quite a bit about things that annoy me in Twin Peaks. Face it, drawn out storylines and particular characters or plot holes got to you too. If you’re reading this and you haven’t seen the show, I’d advise you to do so now. Stop reading and fire up Netflix, or buy the amazingly beautiful Blu-Ray set. It’s all right there at your fingertips. Then come back. This whole thing is going to take me a while anyway. Now back to the Pilot. Where were we?

Oh yeah. So, now that Josie is out of the way, let’s move on. Laura Palmer’s dead body is lying face down on a rocky beach outside Pete and Catherine Martell’s house. Pete’s call to the Twin Peaks Sheriff station is perhaps one of the most iconic scenes from the show as he announces shakily that Laura is, “…dead. Wrapped in plastic.” The sheriff arrives with deputy Andy Brennan and Doc Heyward, and Andy cries for the first time…in the show.

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Over at The Great Northern Hotel, we get our first peek at the insane Audrey Horne and her father, Ben – owner of the hotel and local Donald Trump. We’re introduced to him as he spits a horrifyingly productive shot of mucus into the fireplace while talking Ghostwood illegalities with his lawyer (and Laura’s father), Leland Palmer. They take their speech into the conference room with the “cheese eaters” concerning the Ghostwood development, when Leland is called away for a phone call to his wife. They do their best to pinpoint Laura’s location until Sheriff Truman arrives at the hotel to give Leland the bad news. Then Sarah erupts into a gloriously crazy puddle of sobs and screams (one of many to come).

Onto the Double-R Diner. We are first introduced to Badass Bobby Briggs and his secret girlfriend and waitress, Shelly Johnson as they hurl a thinly-veiled blowjob joke at immigrant waitress, Heidi. Double-R owner, Norma Jennings watches them leave as leatherclad Bobby plugs the jukebox with some 50’s jam constructed by the amazing Angelo Badalamenti. A cop-car whizzes by the forbidden romantics in the other direction as they take ungodly 8 AM rips from a flask on the way to Shelly’s. “It’s happy hour in France.” This is when we find out that Shelly is married to another dude, as Bobby slams on his brakes when he sees Leo Johnson’s semi truck.

At the hospital, Leland arrives to identify his daughter’s body. He bawls at the sight of her blue-black face and is helped away by Sheriff Truman. Back to the high school now, where the previously mentioned Audrey Horne is slipping out of her flats and putting on red heels at her locker while smoking. The insufferable Donna Heyward laughs at the sight of this and James Hurley arrives, looking like that kid that no one talked to in ninth grade, to tell her “Nice day for a picnic,” with his shit-eating grin. Big ups to David Lynch by the way, for filming the kid that slams his locker, spins and arm-roll dances himself down the hallway.

Bobby finally arrives to school where he’s summoned to the principal’s office while talking to Badass Part Deux, Mike Nelson. A cop arrives in the homeroom where Donna, James and Audrey are sitting, and makes an over-dramatic mess of things, asking if Bobby is in the class and pulling the teacher away. A girl runs screaming through the school’s courtyard and Laura’s best friend Donna looks at Laura’s empty desk. James realizes this at the same time and breaks his pencil with veins popping out of his fivehead. Donna ugly-cries for the first time and jesus christ, a lot of people have cried so far.

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Bobby is interviewed by Deputies Andy and Hawk in the library because he was her kind of boyfriend, and West Side Story-snaps in defiance at their questions. Sheriff Truman arrives in all his hatless, permed glory and asks the principal to tell the school about their dead classmate. Truman tells Bobby that Laura is dead and that he’s a suspect, so he will be placed under arrest. Bobby proceeds to profess his seemingly angry love for Laura as he tries to worm his way out of custody.

David Lynch goes all Kubrick with the Shining-like tracking shot down the high school’s hallway as the principal announces Laura’s death to the school. Donna ugly cries some more while James stares at her with rapist-like intensity. We then return to the Palmer household to see Sarah frantically moan and wail. Truman asks her about Laura and the last time she saw her, while Deputy Hawk and Leland look through Laura’s things in her bedroom. Hawk asks Leland where the key is to Laura’s diary then places the diary in a box, and Leland asks if he really needs to keep it. Deputy Andy tells Truman that another girl, Ronette Pulaski is missing as well.

We cut to the sawmill to see Pete singing about 2×4’s and 4×8’s along to the din of Catherine screaming at useless Josie for deciding to close the mill for the day. “Peter, push the plug.” Josie gives a speech that Evita would call too dramatic and shuts the mill down. What better time to cut to the violently molested, zombie-like Ronette crossing a trestle then? We’ll leave that for a second as James “I Need a Hug” Hurley parks his hog at his Uncle, Big Ed Hurley’s Gas Farm. He tells Ed that Laura is dead, confessing to his uncle that “she was the one.” Ed just doesn’t get it, so James gives him a note to give to Donna then rides off angrily onto the rainy highway. Eye-patched Nadine Hurley yells at Ed to get drapes from across the street and Ed gets in his truck immediately, seemingly leaving the gas farm unattended.

Finally, we get our first sight of FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper descending the tree-lined highway into Twin Peaks as he rambles into his tape recorder at the series-long unseen Diane. We learn Twin Peaks’ approximate location in Washington state as he notes it is five miles south of Canada, 12 miles west of the Idaho state line. He goes on about trees for a while then randomly spits facts about his day. Cooper and Truman meet at the hospital and go over some jurisdiction issues which Truman has no problem with. Cooper then starts in with the trees again. “Sheriff? What kind of fantastic trees have you got growing around here? Big, majestic…”

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Cooper and Truman go to Ronette Pulaski’s comatose bedside to find she was raped several times and Cooper immediately assumes there is a connection between her and Laura Palmer. He tells the doctor that he’d like to examine her fingers (which is the craziest thing someone could possibly say) and as he looks at them with a magnifying glass, Ronette begins to moan “Don’t go there.” Cooper and Truman watch a one-armed man get out of the elevator in time to see Dr. Jacoby yelling to a receptionist about a giant fish he caught that started talking to him. At the sight of the law enforcement, Jacoby tries to stop the elevator before it closes but can’t, so he runs down the fire exit to meet them. He’s donning ear plugs and introduces himself to Cooper, asking if he can go to the morgue to look at Laura with them. He confesses that Laura’s parents didn’t know she was seeing him as a patient, while horrifyingly fingering under the skirt of a hula girl on his tie.

In the morgue, Cooper begins searching Laura’s fingers for evidence under the flashing fluorescent lights. In glorious improvisational awesomeness, Cooper asks the attending morgue guy to leave, to which morgue guy replies, “Jim.” Cooper reiterates, “Will you leave us alone, please?,” and the actor playing Jim finally gets it. Props for leaving that in, DL. Cooper disgustingly jams tweezers down in between Laura’s dead fingernail and retrieves the paper letter R. With this, Cooper realizes that Laura’s death may be the work of a serial killer that he is familiar with.

Back at Big Ed’s, Donna approaches Ed and gets the note from James asking her to meet him at the Roadhouse after 9:30. Badass Part Deux, Mike rolls up in all his abusive boyfriendliness, screaming at girlfriend Donna for not being with him because Bobby is in a lot of trouble. “He’s my best friend, you’re supposed to be with me, Donna.” He makes some threats to Ed, then peels away to be with his boyfriend Bobby at the sheriff’s. Nadine yells across the street again at Ed about the drapes then slams the screen door.

Back at the sheriff’s station, Cooper and Truman break open Laura’s diary. Cooper flips through and finds the last entry. She writes, “Nervous about meeting J, tonight.” which Cooper notes to Diane. He flips back a few pages and finds a safety deposit key taped to a page with some white, powdery substance on it. Turns out our murdered high school beauty queen may have been a cokehead. Truman doubts that it’s cocaine and tells Cooper he didn’t know Laura. Cooper moves on with the evidence and notes the small box of chocolate bunnies he’s holding.

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The second half of the Pilot begins ominously, as the camera drifts across a clouded mountain landscape and onto an abandoned train car. Deputy Andy calls Lucy at the sheriff’s station to report the location of the murder. He’s crying, of course, and asks her not to tell the sheriff about this. In a back office of the station, Cooper and Truman interview Bobby with his lawyer present about Laura’s death. Bobby gets defensive and yells at Cooper which he in turn, laughs off as he shows Bobby a video of Laura and Donna dancing at that picnic James so cleverly made reference to. Cooper reveals to Bobby that someone with the first initial J is involved and Bobby sees something at the end of the video, making a realization that isn’t revealed for a while.

After Cooper asks Truman to let Bobby out of jail, we return to The Great Northern where Audrey Horne pokes a hole in a cup of coffee like a 5-year old all over the concierge’s desk. Audrey sighs and poses in the corner of the room where the prospective Ghostwood Norwegians are going over the contracts. She tells them against hotel advisement that her “friend” Laura was found face down on a rocky beach, completely naked and murdered. Goofy music plays over this as she sighs again and pretends to cry.

Bobby is released into custody of his parents where Badass Part Deux, Mike is waiting for him. Bobby asks Mike if he “straightened” Donna out yet and that they need to look for some biker named J for fooling around with both Donna and Laura. Lucy Moran, receptionist at the sheriff’s office, is meanwhile typing out their whole conversation that she overhears. Bobby’s dad tells him that he there’s for him to which Bobby replies, “I don’t need a damn sympathetic anything.” Cooper grills Donna about the video, asking who is filming the picnic. She ugly cries again as Lucy comes in to show Cooper what she typed. Cooper reveals he knew they were looking for a biker as he pauses the video in a closeup of Laura’s eye. “Looks like a hog to me.” Cut to Hug Me James who is fondling a necklace on a depressing mountaintop, looking like someone stole his juicebox.

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Back at The Great Northern, the Norwegians are leaving the hotel in a hurry at the news of the murder, much to the sadistic delight of Audrey. Her father, Ben is clearly angry which makes Audrey giggle. She truly is one of the best characters in the show. We join Cooper and Truman at the abandoned train car as they shine their lights on a massacre, gore up and down the walls, and a bloodied hammer on the floor. Upon a mound of dirt sits a necklace; half a heart connected to a gold chain with a piece of paper below it. Written in blood are the words, FIRE WALK WITH ME.

We then cut back to James’ lonely mountaintop of isolation where he continues to fondle the necklace that is revealed to be the other half. The beautiful Snoqualmie Falls finally makes an appearance below “The Great Northern” as the Horne’s mentally challenged son Johnny bangs his head against a dollhouse, much to the chagrin of his impatient mother. Johnny is upset because Laura helped him in the afternoons. Cooper and Truman head to the bank for the safety deposit box that belongs to the key in Laura’s diary. They open the box on the table where a mounted deer head has fallen and find pornographic magazine Flesh World, along with a stack of over $10,000. Cooper excitedly opens Flesh World to a marked page, finding a circled Ronette Pulaski escort ad. The camera pans over to a pixelated picture of Leo Johnson’s semi and now the real fun begins.

Inside Leo Johnson’s unfinished shanty of a house, he’s drinking a beer on the couch, fingering through the disgusting ashtray of smoked cigarette butts when he realizes something is amiss. He demands wife Shelly turn the TV off and quizzes her on the type of cigarettes that she smokes. “There’s two things, Shelly. When I come home, this house should be clean. And I mean clean. Number two, you smoke one brand of cigarettes from now on because if I ever see you with different brands of cigarettes in this house again, I’m going to snap your neck like a twig.” He takes a swig of beer like he’s never taken one in his life and stares down Shelly, and it’s so gloriously ridiculous that you can’t help but laugh.

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Over at Big Ed’s, Ed receives a call from a shaken Double-R owner, Norma, where they arrange a night-time meeting at the Roadhouse. Ed looks out the window after he hangs up to see his obsessive, one-eyed wife sliding her new drapes open and shut. Over at the town hall, we get to see Cooper ask about local rabbit populations while Josie walks in and Truman says “That is one of the most beautiful women in the state.” Yeah, ok. It’s revealed that she married into the ownership of the mill before her husband Andrew Packard died in a boating accident. It’s also revealed that Ben Horne is after the Packard land for the Ghostwood development, which annoyingly, becomes one of the biggest storylines in the show.

As the ancient Mayor Milford gavels for attention, the Log Lady makes her first appearance, flipping the lights on and off in the hall. “Who’s the lady with the log? Oh, we call her the Log Lady.” Cooper introduces himself to the hall and proclaims that Laura’s murder may be connected to another murder. He warns against a witch hunt and places a curfew on those under 18. A streetlight turns from green to red in the wind as we move to the Heyward’s house, where Doc Heyward is attempting to comfort his wheelchair-bound wife in the living room (Zooey Deschanel’s mom, BTW). Donna overhears that the police think the killer has the other half of the heart necklace and attempts to escape out the window. Her annoying sister asks for poetry tips as she jumps out the bedroom window to meet up with James at the Roadhouse.

Mike and Bobby drunkenly arrive at the Heyward’s with the intention of picking up Donna. Doc Heyward runs upstairs and grills Donna’s younger sister about Donna’s whereabouts while Bobby pretends to surf on top of his car. Doc Heyward inexplicably asks her abusive boyfriend to go find her to which Mike basically says, “Oh I’ll find her, and when I do…” Cooper and Truman are meanwhile, staking out the Roadhouse when they receive a call from Doc Heyward about the missing Donna.

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We finally arrive to the penultimate Roadhouse. Julee Cruise and her band sway through the theme song as Ed and Norma talk about their shitty lives. Cooper is whittling when Mike and Bobby show up to the Roadhouse. The club is full of bikers and some of them make note of Mike and Bobby’s sudden appearance. Donna arrives on a child’s bicycle and when she walks in, is immediately verbally berated by her boyfriend and Badass Part Deux, Mike. The bikers and Ed intervene and a brawl breaks out. “Lights out, Mr. Monkeywrench!” One of the bikers gets Donna out and Cooper and Truman follow “from a discrete distance.” Mike and Bobby get clobbered by the multitudes of bikers and more police arrive.

Joey the biker manages to elude Cooper and Truman, and drops Donna off with James in some emo part of the woods. James reveals to Donna that Bobby killed someone, according to Laura, and he thinks that Laura was killed for some reason involving drugs. They begin to ugly cry together for the first time of many, and after making out for way too long, decide to bury his half of the necklace under some fucking rock for some reason. Cooper and Truman see James and Donna ride by and pull James over. Truman brings James in and releases Donna to Doc Heyward. James is placed in a jail cell across from Mike and Bobby where they stare at each other lovingly.

Doc Heyward accepts his daughter’s apology as grief for her best friend’s loss. Cooper and Truman walk into a break room loaded with an insane amount donuts and coffee at the sheriff’s office. Cooper asks for some modest lodging and Truman tells him that he’ll get him a great rate at The Great Northern. Mike and Bobby start barking and screaming at James in the jail in one of the more insane scenes in the Pilot.

Finally, we come upon the Martell’s place where Truman makes out with Josie Grossie. Catherine sees this and tells Ben Horne on the telephone. Truman and Josie grip each other in soap operatic style, staring out at the lake. We get another shot of the stoplight in the wind then return to the Palmer household. Sarah “sees” a gloved hand picking up the rock in the woods which sits atop the necklace and begins to scream, while Bob makes his first appearance, hovering over her (the crew member that accidentally would come to play Bob, because David Lynch is a nut) in a mirror.

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Best Quotes:

“She’s dead. Wrapped in plastic.” – Pete Martell
“If you’ll permit me, Sven, to repeat what you told me this morning after your run: “My air sacks have never felt so good.”” – Ben Horne
“Diane, I’m holding in my hand a small box of chocolate bunnies.” – FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper
“The Norwegians are leaving! THE NORWEGIANS ARE LEAVING!.” – Hotel Concierge
“There’s over $10,000 here. That’s a lot of Girl Scout Cookies.” – Special Agent Dale Cooper
“Don’t take any oink-oink off that pretty pig.” – Bobby Briggs

Come back next Friday 4/14, where I’ll be recapping (in much less detail) the remainder of Season One!

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 6: ‘Santa Clarita Diet’ & ‘Samurai Cop’

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 6
‘Santa Clarita Diet & Samurai Cop’

Well here we are, already on episode six! This one was a blast as we are joined by the hilarious Yoli Banos (@ybanos) to discuss season one of Netflix’s Santa Clarita Diet and 1991’s ‘so bad it’s good’ classic, Samurai Cop. Check it out on all your favorite apps below! As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!

iTunes – https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cinemabysmal/id1153464020?mt=2

Google Play Music – https://play.google.com/music/m/Irjld24rxpsi22hdnugilmxh57u?t=CinemAbysmal

SoundCloud – https://soundcloud.com/cinemabysmal/06-samurai-cop-santa-clarita

Stitcher – http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=128435&refid=asa

Spreaker – https://www.spreaker.com/user/cinemabysmal

You can also find us on BeyondPod! Just search for CinemAbysmal.

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 5

CinemAbysmal: The Podcast – Episode 5
“Unpopular Favorite Movies and The OA”

Well, after some recording issues and painful editing, we’re excited to bring you our FIFTH episode! This one was extraordinarily fun as we decided to do a drunkcast and talk about four movies we individually love, but most of the known universe hates with our special guest, Dylan Taylor Sorenson. We then chat about Netflix’s The OA! Check it out! As always, please SHARE, RATE, AND SUBSCRIBE!
iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cinemabysmal/id1153464020?mt=2

Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/s?eid=49441526&refid=asa

Spreaker: https://www.spreaker.com/user/cinemabysmal

Antibirth

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Antibirth (2016) – Horror

Directed by: Danny Perez

Starring: Natasha Lyonne and Chloe Sevigny

How I Watched: Netflix

Review by Eric Scot Lemons

So there is this movie on Netflix called Antibirth and it is basically about Natasha Lyonne getting super pregnant despite not having sex after her recent miscarriage during a drunken bender in some white trash, creeptown tavern. I was interested in seeing this movie when it was On Demand through my local cable provider around Halloween time, but then I saw 31 by Rob Zombie instead. So once it came on Netflix, I was all, “Hey that’s the lady from Orange is the New Black and Slums of Beverly Hills and But I’m a Cheerleader, plus it has Chloe Sevigny, and they both play burnout, drug addict lowlifes and I really like films like that. So I watched it.

But this movie is fucking weird. And generally, I say that in the most lovingly complimentary way possible, but this movie, not so much. The best way to describe this film in a completely derivative fashion is that it is like Cabin Fever meets Rosemary’s Baby if directed by Rob Zombie in an attempt to woo Harmony Korine. The characters are white trash, but in that punk rock way that only independent filmmakers tend to see them; larger than life, spewing profanities like phlegm at the slightest provocation while taking bong rips and shitting with the door open. Natasha Lyonne is really wonderful in this film, but her character is so surreal in a ‘Gathering of the Juggalo’ masturbatory fantasy, that the fate that befalls her seems apropos at best.

So the meat and potatoes of the plot is just that she gets infected with some mutated mutant sperm injected by the always great, Mark Weber, who is a pimp and drug dealer, and must carry this strange thing to term. It is pretty straight up Cronenberg body horror, but probably thinks it is feminist because is has to do with motherhood being forced or some shit. Towards the end, with a belly as big as a big belly, Lyonne hobbles around with a cane imposing herself in the search of answers. She looks exactly like Danny Devito in Batman Returns. It is fucking hilarious. But the answers come in the form of some X-Files bullshit about who cares.

The culmination of the film results in her giving birth to some neon glowing goomba from Super Mario Brothers, THE MOVIE! And while it is comical, the third act feels like the best parts of William Friedkin’s Bug. We spend so much time in movies hearing the protagonist say, “I know this sounds crazy, but…” and we are like, yeah it sounds crazy but I believe you cause I saw all this happen. But there is a large part of AntiBirth that feels like this is just the final broken piece of brain matter shuttering off in a broken person’s schizoid delusions. You can imagine the reality of a woman, no bun in dat oven, screaming about secret government programs and mutant embryos and shit, and it is just kind of sad.

I noticed, after seeing this film, I would describe it to others much like I described it to you, using other film’s references to make a point. And I believe that is the fatal flaw with this film. It doesn’t feel, despite its erratic editing and music that sounds like STP, like it has its own voice. It is a pastiche of punk cinema and Marilyn Manson music videos and Liam Lynch pre-internet creativity. It is boring to look at cause we have already seen it. It doesn’t shock. It is just weird.

New to Streaming in March

Happy March! With the new month, there’s new stuff to stream! Lost with all the choices? Here are nine new and amazing streaming options you can enjoy from your couch right now!

New to Amazon Instant Video:

– Gangs of New York – Martin Scorcese brings us this incredible epic starring Leonardo Dicaprio and a stunning Daniel Day Lewis.

– What We Do in the Shadows – If you haven’t seen this movie yet, jump right to it. Hilarious mockumentary about vampires starring Jemaine Clement and more!

New to HBO Now:

– The Brothers Bloom – Rian Johnson is building an incredible career and this is no exception. A movie about con men with enough twists to snap your neck.

New to Hulu:

– Legion – The X-Men are finally getting the treatment they deserve with this absolutely stunning TV series created by the same guy that did Fargo for FX.

– Lost Highway – If Mulholland Drive is for undergrads and Inland Empire is for those seeking Doctorates in the David Lynch School of Film, this would be where you try to get your Masters degree.

– A Simple Plan – Written by the Coen Brothers, this thriller contains amazing performances from Billy Bob Thornton and recently departed Bill Paxton.

New to Netflix:

– Midnight in Paris – One of the more accessible Woody Allen films, this is a great way to start if you ever wanted to begin watching his films.

– Sausage Party – Seth Rogen and crew give us one of the funniest and smartest animated films that has ever been made.

– This is Spinal Tap – The Godfather of the Mockumentary format, this made Christopher Guest a god of comedy. “Turn it up to 11.”

Death Race 2050

Death Race 2050 (2017) – Action

Directed by: G.J. Echternkamp

Starring: Manu Bennett and Malcom McDowell

How I Watched: Netflix

Review by: Eric Scot Lemons

Death Race 2000 is a campy political satire car racing film from 1975 directed by Paul Bartel and produced by Roger Corman. In 2008, Paul W.S. Anderson directed a gritty remake called Death Race starring Jason Statham, which spawned two sequels that were probably shit-sack city, but who knows because nobody fucking cares. In 2017, which is the year I am writing this and possibly you are reading this, G.J. Echternkamp directed the once-again-Corman-produced sequel/reboot Death Race 2050, which brings back the camp and dark humor of the original but in the dawn of the digital garbage heap of the Trump-era.

And despite being released three days before Trump’s inauguration, this film is a satire on the kind of dystopic/despotic vision associated with our benevolent mango-skinned leader. Malcolm McDowell, the Chairman of the United Corporations of America, has inexplicable hair and a complete disrespect for woman, often seen amidst nude women of color whom have no lines and seemingly received no direction other than to let their titties fly. He loves power and hates his constituents, feeding into their bloodlust in an almost condescending manner. But really, this is just a caricature of any dictator; unhinged and unrelatable. And frankly, doesn’t look or act much different than Mr. President as played by Sandy McCallum in the original. And that, like many other flaws, is what makes Death Race 2050 a poor follow-up to the 1975 cult classic.

Let’s fucking talk about style, because as a man with a drawer full of cargo shorts, I know style is everything. This was honestly one of the worst attributes, given that it has no cohesive look. The show within the movie looks like a proof of concept for Speed Racer, by the Wachowski Sisters. You know, that “everything in front of a green screen then pasted together like a moving collage” feel you get from faux-meta-camp films like Kung Fury. From a personal point, I fucking love this style. It is erratic and never complacent, bright colors and fast-moving images that could either give you a seizure or your sperm autism. If the entire film was like this, I’d give it 200 units of review, but alas, nope. No review units for you, you silly fucks. Many of the action scenes were mapped out like the worst episodes of Xena: Warrior Princess, feeling boringly staged and purposefully lazy. The car races looked like shit, but they felt like an homage to the cars (plastic atop go-kart frames) from the original, so that was fun. Scenes inside felt empty and poorly-lit. It was too the point that I actually checked the credits to see if this was some team-effort with direction, but fuck no.

The acting was the same kind of disconnect in quality. Manu Bennett plays the hero, and while he is handsome as a Gerard Butler knock-off that I was sure was a wrestler-turned-thespian, he doesn’t really hit the comedic points, although there are times he looks right into the camera and is a believable badass. The love interest is Marci Something, and she kinda looks like a girl I knew in high school who now works at a hardware store. She was actually pretty good when the scene gave her something to work on, however, a lot of the plotting had her visibly struggling with how to read the lines. The main rival is a character named Jed Perfectus, played by Burt Grinstead, and he, besides Malcolm McDowell, was the only actor to nail the tone in all his scenes. Being a strong man with severe insecurity, he eventually devolves into a zombie-looking display of desperation with killer abs and gold speedo. His mental breakdowns are equal parts hilarious and fucked.

It is so hard to call this film a sequel because the plot is almost exactly the same as the original film, yet it clearly takes place after the events of the original. The third act either caught me in a haze of marijuana smoke I had underestimated, or was just fucking stupid weird. There’s a rebellion but the leader of the rebellion, played by a haggard and creepy Yancy Butler, is in cahoots with The Chairman, which is only revealed in the most awkward and unerotic sex scene devoted to whatever iMovie computer module they had on set. The ending is strange and yet fascinating, and I don’t know if I gleaned the right message, but I saw it as “Kill each other instead of having the government do it.” Because after a speech by Manu Bennett, everyone just starts beating each other up and the two love interests kiss as the world combusts in the background. Roll credits, mofos.

Look, I get it, camp is hard to nail. There are moments in the film that are truly hilarious, like the only conversation between two females takes place in a hotel saloon called Bechdel’s Bar. But overall, the satire felt sophomoric and it lacked the main ingredient devoted to screen by Corman in the past; fun. Make a fun fucking movie, people.

Netflix’s A Series of Unfortunate Events

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Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events (2017)

Directed by: Barry Sonnenfeld

Starring: Neil Patrick Harris and Patrick Warburton

How I Watched: Netflix

Review by: Holly Hill

Looks like we can finally wipe the 2004 A Series of Unfortunate Events movie from our minds. Netflix has revived the book series by Lemony Snicket, and Daniel Handler (the real Lemony Snicket) has written eight beautiful episodes for the series, giving it the whimsical outlandish adaptation it deserves.

The first season has eight episodes that cover the first four books of the thirteen book series. This allows for an hour and a half to be dedicated to each book, with a Part One and a Part Two. For anyone who has read the books, you will appreciate that the creators have been able to capture the absurdity of the situations the Baudelaire orphans are put in.

Let’s start with the opening credits. “Look away, Look Away”, is the song that greets us as we go through a map of all the unfortunate events that are about to take place. It echoes what Lemony is always telling the reader in the book: unless you want to feel miserable, stop reading. The song is performed by Neil Patrick Harris (more on him later), and each new episode has a more detailed version of what fate awaits the orphans each episode. Simply put, it’s brilliant.

Onto the sets and costumes. The entire thing felt like I’d walked into a Wes Anderson film. The sets were gorgeous. The entire look of the series also has an Addams Family feel as well, which is appropriate seeing as the director for the 1991 film also directs five of the episodes. The sets are so fully realized, it’s hard to not be impressed. Uncle Monty’s gardens, Count Olaf’s decrepit home, and even Briny Beach where the story really begins. No detail is too small.

The acting. Neil. Patrick. Harris. Is there anything he can’t do? I love that we get to see a different character from him every single episode. He’s trying to be Count Olaf, but he’s also Stephano. He’s a sailor, but he’s trying to kill the children. No matter what it is, NPH pulls it off. No surprises there. The musical number in the first episode had me dying. The children are all casted wonderfully and I have no major complaints, even though Sunny’s CGI actions kind of creep me out. Olaf’s theatre troupe is everything a book reader could ask for, and Mr. Poe is obviously the best worst character.

Throughout the books, Lemony Snicket will stop the reader to explain that he is very serious, this will not be a happy ending. Or he will explain a phrase that most kids don’t understand, or a word. Have they cut this from the show? Absolutely not. Lemony Snicket acts as the viewer’s narrator, and he is played by Patrick Warburton.

There are also a plethora of subtle nods to the books while adding in some new fun plot lines as well. Count Olaf saying, “Except I can’t seem to find the sugar bowl.” I mean, come on. Will Arnett and Cobie Smulders are playing [what we assume to be] the Baudelaire’s parents, and it looks like they will be up to some pretty interesting things in the series trying to reconnect with their children.

In the end, what makes people want to watch more A Series of Unfortunate Events? Well, all of the above mentioned things are a start, but I think what really has people coming back is that the show is just like the books. It is the purest adaptation I’ve seen quiet possibly ever.

While waiting for Season Two, remember that if you need help, don’t call the regular fire department, check the sugar bowl, and look for clues in acrostic poems. I am looking forward to learning more about VFD, the fate of the parents, The Quagmire Triplets, Esme Squalor and Carmelita Spats. If you feel like you can’t wait for Season Two, I’d go back and do a frame by frame rewatch of the series. There are clues EVERYWHERE.

31 Days of Horror – ‘Creep’

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Creep

Directed by: Patrick Brice

Starring: Patrick Brice and Mark Duplass

Review by CinemAbysmal

First of all, this was not supposed to be the psychological horror movie that it turned out to be. Apparently, Duplass and Brice showed the early cut to their friends and they suggested they turned the mostly improvised story into a horror movie. There’s word out there that it even has three alternate endings (the one they left in was pretty damn good).

Most people know Mark Duplass as Pete from The League on FX. And while I find him pretty damn hilarious in that show, I think I respect him more for his efforts in producing, writing and directing ‘Mumblecore’ films and TV shows such as The Puffy Chair and HBO’s Togetherness. I’m not exactly the hugest fan of this breed of film, but I appreciate it because it reminds me quite a bit of 1970’s Woody Allen. So when I saw he was in a pseudo-found footage film, I was pretty excited to check it out.

Mark Duplass is definitely the best part of this movie. It’s perfectly titled, as he is truly creepy as Josef, a dude hanging out in a cabin in the woods who hired a videographer for one day on Craigslist. The protagonist, Aaron (Patrick Brice, who actually directed the film as well), is pretty great as the videographer that is suffering through Josef’s pretty damn annoying antics, until you see something else is really wrong with Josef. I’ll stop there, but it’s a pretty excellent portrayal of crazy by Duplass.

Creep isn’t perfect. In fact, at times, it feels a bit insufferable with Mark Duplass doing everything he can to be the most insane, obsessive person on earth. What it is though, is a nice departure from the found-footage films we’ve been force fed over the last couple decades. There’s very natural discussions, which leads to some pretty convincing fear and scares coming from the actors. Don’t expect it to be too funny with Duplass, but just sit back and enjoy what’s about to hit you.

31 Days of Horror – ‘The Invitation’

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The Invitation

Directed by: Karyn Kusama

Starring: Logan Marshall-Green and John Carroll Lynch

Review by CinemAbysmal

First of all, this is not really a horror movie. Well, I suppose you could call it one, but let’s be safe here and call it a psychological thriller. The Invitation (if you invite it to…rimshot, please) will take hold of your brain like a pitbull to a rubber toy and make you second guess yourself for a good hour and a half. It burns slow, but damn it pays off.

The director of the film, Karyn Kusama, is probably most well-known for her other films, like Aeon Flux and Jennifer’s Body. When I saw that she was the filmmaker, I was a bit hesitant on even watching this to be honest. I’ve heard Aeon Flux is just god awful. I actually liked Jennifer’s Body quite a bit, but it wasn’t really enough to get me jacked for this one. I checked out the trailer, and couldn’t really tell what was going on but was intrigued enough. And honestly, I’m really glad I did.

This is not really a horror movie because not enough happens in it to make it horrific. Most of the film, the characters are talking in living rooms or dining rooms inside of a really nice Hollywood Hills home. Don’t let this scare you away, though. The acting is pretty terrific, as lead Logan Marshall-Green is confusing and at times insufferable, complementing the serpentining storyline perfectly. John Carroll Lynch (that weird bald guy that always plays that really weird bald guy in movies) is amazing, but I’m not going to tell you anything about his character because he’s that good.

I hope the words I’ve chosen for this review have not pushed you away from watching this film. I know that “psychological thriller” tends to be a bit overused when describing movies, but this honestly is one of those occasions where this term works perfectly. It’s vicious, confounding and has one of the better payoffs that I’ve seen in movies like this. Check out The Invitation on Netflix now!

31 Days of Horror – ‘Ti West Triple Feature’

innkeepers

The House of the Devil, The Innkeepers, The Sacrament

Directed by: Ti West

Review by CinemAbysmal

I originally watched The House of the Devil about 5 or 6 years ago. The first time, I wasn’t all that impressed, probably because I was looking for scares in the classic sense. While I’m not saying that this movie is lacking in scares, it is definitely a slow-burning test on your psyche. The film’s events are set during a lunar eclipse in 1983. I think the coolest part about the movie though, is that it’s filmed like it’s 1983. Heavy grain is visibly present, the score is incredibly cheesy (yet effective) and lead actress Jocelin Donahue is so good. This movie is pretty slow on the buildup, but it absolutely pays off. One more thing that makes this movie imperative: Tom Fucking Noonan. Check out this one on Hulu Plus now.

The Innkeepers is probably my favorite of the three we’re featuring here. It’s more of the classic ghost movie, featuring a haunted hotel and some creepy yarns about its troubled history. West has picked some excellent female leads and Sara Paxton is one of them. She plays the role of the curious, wannabe ghost hunter to perfection. As with The House of the Devil, this movie burns slowly, but the payoff is excellent. It is also filmed excellently, with some tense hallway shots. Jeff Grace’s score is great as well. Check out The Innkeepers on Hulu Plus.

The Sacrament kind of took me by surprise. I, like a lot of people, have grown a bit tired of the found-footage concept. While West spins it a bit different, featuring a Vice News crew filming a Jim Jones-esque cult, it still is a found footage movie. This one is good enough, though. The acting is pretty excellent and I think Gene Jones steals the show as the Jim Jones inspired character, ‘Father.’ While this movie definitely provides a different feeling than the other two, it still kept my interest and featured West’s signature ‘slow-burn’ that builds to a wildfire of an ending. Check it out on Netflix.