Prisoners

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Prisoners (2013) – Thriller | Drama

Directed by: Denis Villenueve

Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal and Hugh Jackman

How I Watched: DVD

Best Line: “They didn’t cry until I left them.”

I don’t know what it is, but Jake Gyllenhaal does a wonderful job slipping himself into fantastically creepy films. From Donnie Darko, to Nightcrawler, to Villenueve’s own Enemy, he always seems to be somewhere on the bill in these type of films. Now, if you saw Enemy, you might be expecting Prisoners to be REALLY weird. It’s not, but it’s got enough of that Lynchian, otherwordly line-walking to make you want to turn on the lights.

Prisoners is not a feel good movie. I will tell you that now. It’s dark as hell, mostly brown and grey throughout and the characters are permanently scared and/or yelling the whole movie. But holy shit, is it vicious. From the onset, Hugh Jackman quietly utters the lord’s prayer as a deer takes its last breaths and it does not let up from there. Every scene seems to be bathed in a perpetual dusk that the entire cast seems trapped in. It’s a very claustrophobic film that is precise in its efforts of making you feel like shit. I can really see a lot of people not being able to handle some scenes in this one.

If you watch the trailer for Prisoners, you can tell what this story is about, so no worries about this spoiler. Two families lose their daughters in the middle of the day and Gyllenhaal investigates their disappearance. Hugh Jackman is Hugh Jackman in this one, and you get about what you expect from an ‘unsettled Jackman’ performance. However, Gyllenhaal and Paul Dano are magnificent and really carry the film. Dano does his best “creepy guy in a van” at the beginning, but as time passes, he becomes so much more than that. His soft-spoken demeanor is terribly discomforting beneath those wire glasses that are so typical in child-kidnapping films.

Gyllenhaal, though is really the barometer of the film’s emotion. From the beginning, the viewer is challenged to make a choice between Jackman’s outbursts as a frantic father and the situation that Dano finds himself in after the girls disappear. Gyllenhaal is always there, dividing the two parties, testing your limits as a viewer. It’s not a simple choice to make and the movie does everything in its power to throw your emotions into a blender.

The rest of the cast is just kind of there, though. This is perhaps the film’s greatest flaw. Both Jackman’s wife (played by Maria Bello) and the other mother in the film (Viola Davis) are understandably grieving the whole film, but that’s really all they do. Terrence Howard attempts to show emotion, but it’s not very convincing. Melissa Leo is pretty good as Dano’s aunt, but again, Dano and Gyllenhaal really steal this one away from everyone else.

At times, Prisoners really rides the line of the supernatural. Not ghosts and witches, but more like the end of the first season of True Detective; that awful feeling that I know you got when the detectives entered Carcosa in the finale is present in a few scenes in this film. It does not really stick to that, but still, Villenueve definitely has some skill in discomfort.

I feel bad about this, but I did not see Villenueve’s 2015 Sicario. Trust me, I really want to, I just have not gotten around to it yet. Seeing that he is taking the helm for Blade Runner 2 (due out 2017) makes me really excited, though. Enemy was an awfully creepy little story full of doppelgangers and Kafka-esque suggestions that will fit into the Blade Runner universe perfectly.

While I definitely would not suggest Prisoners if the kiddies are around or you had a rough day at the office, it’s perfect for those nights where you want to watch a scary movie that’s not that kind of scary movie. The performances from Gyllenhaal and Dano are excellent and while the story was a few hairs away from being epic, it’s a moral brain-twister that will have you talking when the credits roll.

Final Score: 3.5/4

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Similar Films: Mystic River, The Lovely Bones, Zodiac

A Recap of Thrones: S6, E1: The Red Woman

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A Recap of Thrones: Season Six, Episode One: The Red Woman

By Holly Hill (@hollishillis)

A strong beginning to what is sure to be a spectacular season. Two meaningful deaths, two pairs of boobs (sort of), and two people redeemed.

Let’s start east of Westeros, in Essos.

Dany is stuck with an entire horde of Dothraki on a long walk through what we can only presume is the Dothraki Sea (called so because of the tall grass that ripples in the wind). Of course being white and blonde, the men doubt she can speak their language. The men walking by her suggest sexual things in Dothraki, and when Dany is finally introduced to the Kahl she impresses him with all that Dorthraki she has up her sleeve with a look of, ‘Yeah I heard you asking if the carpets match the drapes.’ Dany plays her cards too early, admitting that she is the widow of a Kahl as well as, you know, queen of everything ever. It seems that she will get special treatment and a ride back to Mereen for a moment, but come on, these are the same people that poured liquid gold on her brother’s head, and made her eat the heart of a stallion like it was a giant gummy bear. They will be sending her to the holy temple where all widowed Khalessi live out their days. Yawn. Can we fast forward through this storyline?

Jorah and ‘that guy Dany is sleeping with’ find the ring she dropped when the Dothraki circled her at the end of season five. Not much happens here except ‘that guy Dany is sleeping with’ brags to Jorah about how he is totally getting some, and Jorah watches his grayscale progress and his venture into the friend zone.

Tyrion and Vary’s walk around Mereen without guards, which seemed a little hard to believe considering the state of Mereen last we saw it. Looks like the Lord of Light cult has found its way into Mereen as the two walk in on a prayer session. The last thing we need is another Red Woman predicting the wrong future. The best humor of course is in this scene, and the quote of the episode goes to Vary’s who says that Tyrion ‘walks like a rich person’, which now is impossible to ignore. Their bit ends with the harbor of Mereen on fire, with no great explanation as to how or why that has happened. Looks like no one important is leaving Essos this season. At least the writers are letting us know early on. Prepare to zone out on Essos as we get even more disappointed in Bravvos.

We start to get a sad glimpse into what Arya’s storyline will look like this season. I have a feeling we will be waiting a long time for something interesting to happen. Looks like she’s going to spend the entire season blind, and getting beaten. I’m sure by the end of the season we will have an expert assassin who is ready to go out into the world and get some revenge, but until that happens I think we are in for a boring streak.

Back to the action in Westeros. Trystane and his father are our first ‘main character’ deaths this season. Unfortunately it looks like we haven’t seen the last of the worst character development ever, and we will be stuck with more sand snake scenes. They kill Trystane, and then kill his father in a mutiny that didn’t make a whole lot of sense. The entirety of what makes the Dorne storyline good in the books is being thrown out the window with poor acting and character development. Looks like the moronic sand snakes will be trying to lead Dorne into battle with the Lannisters.

No sign of Tommen this episode, so it’s safe to assume he is probably off in a courtyard somewhere being the worst ruler ever and playing with Ser Pounce. We do get to hear that he ‘misses’ Margaery, as the High Sparrow let’s her know, while reminding her she better get her shit together and confess. Loras isn’t seen, but Margaery asks after his well being which we are told is ‘fine’. I will predict now that the Lannisters will want to go to war, but the Tyrells won’t help out until Margaery and Loras are free. Cersei might have to let this revenge on the young queen slide to get what she really wants (which is everyone in Dorne dead).

Speaking of Cersei, she continues to be one of the best characters on the show. We hate her, we love her, we feel for her, we laugh at her alcoholism, and her witty comments. It’s quite heartbreaking to see her reaction when she gets excited about seeing Myrcella, only to be greeted with her coffin. After all she’s been through she thought she might have something good left. Jamie and her embrace and speak of a new house motto called “Lannisters: Fuck Everyone Who Isn’t Us”. Jaime says they are the only people who matter (Tommen who?), and they will work together to destroy all their enemies.

Up in the north we get a sweet moment with Ramsey where he reminisces over the dead body of his psychotic girlfriend. He talks about how they met, how she was fearless, and watch as he requests that since she is good meat she gets fed to the dogs. This ‘almost, kind of moment of humanity’ has been brought to you by Ramsey Bolton: Unredeemable in all of our eyes, yet still making us laugh. What a guy.

No word on Stannis, but I think we can assume that ship has sailed, and that daughter burning psycho is dead by the large, but capable hands of Brienne. Shame we didn’t get to see it.

Moving on to our best character of the week announcement: Brienne of Tarth! After an entire season of having no one to pledge her sword to, stupid Sansa Stark has finally accepted it. Just as it seems she will be dragged back to Ramsey, and Theon will be dead, Pod and BADASS FEARLESS LOYAL WARRIOR, BRIENNE OF TARTH come out of nowhere and slay the Bolton men. The most satisfying scene we’ve had in a LONG time. Finally some good news. Looks like Theon, Brienne, Pod, and Sansa are the new fantastic four. Can’t wait to see how this storyline progresses. It’s safe to say that all the help Sansa asked for from Reek has been redeemed in Theon becoming himself again. And Brienne once again is redeemed in finally getting to pledge herself to Sansa Stark . Easily the best moment of the episode.

Boob alert! First of the season, and it’s a two for one deal. It seems that The Red Woman has been keeping beautiful all these years through her faith. She seems to have given up completely in her quest to see Azor Ahai reborn. Having figured out she sucks ass at predicting the future, Melisandre takes off her clothes (boobs #1), and stone necklace and we see her true form (boobs #2). Unfortunately it is that of a very old woman. It seems that without the faith, she is nothing more than an old shell of herself. She goes to lay down without the stone or her faith, presumably hoping to die. WILL SOMEONE GO REVIVE HER? SHE NEEDS TO SAVE JON SNOW.

Jon Snow is dead. For now. His remaining loyal Nights Watch bring him to Davos’ room who is pretty shocked as to what has gone down. We all felt the feels when Ghost was howling into the dawn at Jon being dead. Davos gets himself and five others to hole up with Jon’s body and Ghost, to come up with a plan. It looks like they might be enlisting the help of the Wildlings to take over Castle Black and kill the traitors. With that smug look on stupid Olly’s face this episode, we can only hope that Ghost ends up eating his face off. Slowly.

Fingers crossed for some Bran Stark action next episode. I have a feeling this is where the flashback to Ned Stark’s younger days will take place, through the weirwood visions.

Overall it was a great kick off to what sure is to be a great season, but still a bit of a disappointment for the great characters stuck in Essos.

A Recap of Thrones: Season Five Recap

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A Recap of Thrones: Recapping Season Five

by Holly Hill (@HollisHillis)

It’s that time again. The birds are chirping in the mornings, the days are starting to get longer, and HBO starts to release ten episodes of Game of Thrones for our viewing pleasure. Every year we blink, the season ends, and we are left wondering, “WHY DID THAT CHARACTER I LOVE HAVE TO DIE?” and “WHY DO I WATCH THIS SHOW?” So what better way to make the Game of Thrones season last a bit longer, than to relive the episodes the day after they air?

Check back in the next few days for the first recap of season six, episode one, but first let’s start with a quick recap of season five. It will be a good reminder of where all of our favorite and least favorite characters have ended up.

Let’s recap:

Danny rode away from a 1990’s Compton-like Mereen on her fiercest dragon, Drogon. Drogon dropped her off in the middle of nowhere, just like that kid did with Air Bud, and she was then picked up by a herd of Dothrakis.

Jorah, and ‘that guy Danny is sleeping with’ went off to try and find her, but Jorah has Grayscale which ensures that he isn’t going to make it very far this season.

Knowing that Tyrion can’t really join in on the fight, he was left behind with Grey Worm and Missandei which was about to guarantee an incredibly boring sixth season for him, except then Vary’s showed up at the last minute (whew, that was close). The two most well read and clever minds of the generation will be ruling Mereen together, which should make for an interesting plot line.

Over in Braavos, Arya’s story line is CRAWLING along at a snail’s pace, while she is trained as an assassin for the many faced God. Last we saw, she broke the rules and took some awesome personal revenge, but got punished with blindness for misbehavin’. Let’s hope she actually gets to do something interesting this season.

Meanwhile back in Westeros, Dorne was hosting Cersei and Jamie’s daughter Myrcella who was betrothed to Doran Martel’s son Trystane. Jaime and Bronn were on their way to take the two love birds back to Westeros for a visit , but before the boat left the harbor, Jaime watches his daughter die of poison by that really annoying group of ‘sand snake’ women. Will they turn back and get revenge? Or sail on to Westeros with Trystane as prisoner?

Over at the Red Keep, Tommen plays with Ser Pounce and attempts to sort of kind of not really rule, while Cersei walks naked through the streets because of the High Sparrow/The Faith to atone for her sins. She is picked up at the end by The Mountain Zombie.

Badass vixen, Margaery Tyrell and her brother Loras are locked up by the Sparrow, which probably won’t end well now that Cerci is on the path of revenge.

Up in the north, Stannis burned his daughter alive, and his wife hung herself. He goes to fight Ramsay at Winterfell anyway, and unsurprisingly loses spectacularly.

Brienne has abandoned Sansa (remember she missed her candle in the window by like .2 seconds…SO ANNOYING) and finds Stannis. Last we see, she swings a sword down on him, but we don’t see if it strikes him. He MIGHT still be alive.

Sansa meanwhile, was abandoned at Winterfell to marry/get assaulted by Ramsay all season. Last we saw she jumped off the outer wall of Winterfell with Theon, and the two are presumably on the run to some sort of safety.

The Red Woman aka Melisandre abandoned Stannis after realizing she burned a child alive for no reason, and we HOPE she took off for the wall because the TRUE lord of light (Jon Snow who CANNOT BE DEAD, PLEASE JEEEBUSS) is there. She may need to do some reviving.

Davvos also is at the wall and will be extremely pissed off when he finds out Melisandre ordered the burning of his favorite Shireen.

Up at The Wall, Jon sent Sam and Gilly to Old Town so Sam could train as a Maester. Let’s all hope we don’t have to follow that storyline this season. The reanimated white walkers are headed down to fight the living, and Jon was stabbed 20 times “for the watch”. Where was his direwolf Ghost when all this happened? No one knows. Maybe Jon warged into him? Maybe the Red Lady will save Jon’s life somehow?

All we know/hope is that Jon cannot possibly be dead.

And lastly we will be picking up on Bran Stark’s storyline again this year. We last saw him in a cave with a weirwood tree, seeing the future/past/present or something weird like that. No word on what Rickon Stark is up to (who?), but we can all be assured that Hodor will continue Hodoring.

Things to remember:

Theon has a sister, Yara, and there’s an entire section of Westeros that the Greyjoy’s are trying to rule still
The White Walkers/Zombies/Dead guys are COMING. The real question to ask is why. What are they fleeing? What are they hoping to accomplish?
Petyr Baelish is off doing something sneaky
The Boltons are gaining power
Two other dragons are in captivity (Tyrion stepping in for Quentyn Martell’s storyline book readers?)
FLASHBACKS are also rumored to be happening this season, from back in Ned Stark days, so keep that in mind too

Now we are all caught up. For the first time, book fans are just as much in the dark as show watchers. Stay tuned for the first recap of season six, episode one. It should be an excellent season.

Black Mass

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Black Mass (2015) – Gangster | Drama

Directed by: Scott Cooper

Starring: Johnny Depp and Joel Edgerton

How I Watched: Amazon Instant Video

Best Line: “The last thing I would do if I was planning to harm you is to warn you in advance, you dumb fuck.”

One of the most polarizing genres of film is the gangster movie. Loyalists often argue the merits behind the Godfather films and compare those with the absolute perfection of GoodFellas. Personally, I love the first two of the Godfather trilogy and GoodFellas about just as much as the other (admit it, you watch GoodFellas every time you happen upon it clicking through channels). A good gangster flick is just perfect sometimes. While Black Mass can’t really be placed in this higher echelon, it is still a damn good time and may even take its own place as time goes on.

Scott Cooper has only directed two movies previous to Black Mass. Those that saw Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart (for which he won an Oscar) know a bit of what to expect out of a Cooper film; it’s going to be dark, dirty, a bit depressing and there’s going to be some pretty cool music. 2013’s critically under-appreciated (in my opinion) Out of the Furnace continued this trend, but turned those elements up to the max. Woody Harrelson is especially disgusting and I felt like there was definitely a lot more that we were going to get out of Cooper.

Then the trailer for Black Mass hit. Cooper traded the country music and Appalachian meth dealers in for 1970’s Boston gangsterland. Johnny Depp looked like he fell out of a Tim Burton nightmare and I honestly thought it looked too much like The Departed. The more I watched it though, the more I was intrigued. When I learned more about the supporting cast (including Benedict Cumberbatch, Joel Edgerton, Peter Sarsgaard, etc.), I knew I had to check this one out.

Let’s start with what is great about this movie. I love The Departed. The accents, the cast, the crazy ending; all are great about that film. One thing I’ve noticed as time goes on though, is that it feels too chaotic, almost disjointed in its storytelling. Scorcese does some frantic cuts and at times, it’s difficult to keep up, but I think that’s also what makes his movies as exciting as they are. Black Mass, like The Departed is based in Boston, but it spans over a few decades. It does not take the same approach and really paces itself in its build-up of Johnny Depp’s character, Whitey Bulger.

This is important, because I really believe this character is one of the chameleon-esque Depp’s best. From the moment his face appears, it’s clear that this is not going to be the kooky Depp we so often get. This is a character that can stand on its own in the gangster canon, including the Vic Vega’s, the Tommy DeVito’s, the Michael Corleone’s. Depp’s Bulger is downright frightening, and his presence steals every scene in this film.

Something that I felt the movie was missing though, was just a little bit more to the story to make it more exciting. I don’t want to say it lags in the middle, but there was a definite change of tone from where the film started. If you can handle changes like this in movies, you’ll be just fine and appreciate Cooper trying to tell a story, but I could see how some would check out at this point.

There are a lot of moments in Black Mass where I felt like I did watching Out of the Furnace: Cooper is trying some really cool things. There are some awesome zoom shots in Black Mass that I wasn’t expecting and he even seems to be experimenting with some Nicolas Winding Refn-ish, neon-infused backdrops that really breathe some life into the gritty browns I’ve come to expect from Cooper’s films.

If you like gangster movies, you’re probably going to like this one. There’s great one-liners, it’s bloody as hell at times, and it’s got some great characters. It may not stand up as one of the best in the genre, but god damn, it’s worth the ticket alone for Johnny’s Depp’s Bulger.

Final Score: 3/4

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Similar Films: Killing Them Softly, Out of the Furnace, The Departed

RIP

Cathy’s Take on ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’

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Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (1989) – Cute | Laugh Riot

Directed by: Joe Johnston

Starring: Rick Moranis and Dee Wallace

How I Watched: The Rex Drive-In Movie Theatre

My name is Cathy Salinsky. One of my favorite movies in the whole wild world is Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. It is a really funny family romp that asks the question, what if Rick Moranis shrunk his family and then had to answer to his wife, played by Dee Wallace. Anyway, when I was twenty-five, that movie played at the Rex Drive-In Movie Theatre. Double billed with All Dogs Go to Heaven. I didn’t prefer that one as much although I do love the part where all the dogs went to heaven.

When I first saw Honey I Shrunk the Kids, I was amazed by the science fiction writing and the cool special effects, but what really amazed me is that Rick Moranis and his wife and half of the kids that got shrunk (the oldest girl and the brown haired boy) all have the surname Szalinski, which sounds just like my last name. Although, not quite spelled the same. But I went on ancestry.com and found out that our names came from the same area of Poland back in the 1880s (I checked ancestry.com more recently. Obviously it did not exist in 1989, when Honey, I Shrunk the Kids came on the scene). But can you just imagine, little old Cathy Salinsky from Auburn, WA being related to a famous movie family. That got me thinking. Boy, that must be a sign if I ever heard one.

Ever since then I have been OBSESSED with movies of all kinds, from A Walk to Remember to You, Me, and Dupree and everything in between.

I ain’t no Hollywood insider and I certainly don’t have a film critic degree. But I love movies, always have (ever since Honey, I Shrunk the Kids). And if you’re like me, you can’t afford to go traipsing outside everyday to catch a flick at the cineplex. It’s like $12 for a movie ticket and then you got to get popcorn cause no movie is complete without popcorn and that’s another 15 or so dollars and it just isn’t realistic for people anymore. And the people at Netflix realize this.

With Netflix, I can watch whichever movie I want. For a reasonable monthly fee. I can go down to the Grocery Outlet and buy a box of popcorn for like $2.49 or splurge for the good stuff at $2.99 and I can share it with Carmen, my mutt puppy (who rescued who?) and we can watch back to back to back to back movies on a Friday night. Sometimes I get naughty and add another movie for fun. Carmen falls asleep but I don’t mind being alone if a good flick is on.

I have gotten to know Netflix inside and outside. And I thought to myself, Cathy, you can’t keep all this priceless knowledge and movie recommendations to yourself. I started off my printing out recommendations at work and putting them on the bulletin board, but Anton, my manager, stated the bulletin board is for work specific pieces of information. So, I thought, why not write for a movie weblog. Who better to share my expertise (I always loved that word) with people who really love movies and want to read about good movies on the internet? So this is that weblog. Welcome to my column, Cathy’s Guide to Netflix.

Enjoy. I know I will.

Cathy Gives It: 10/10 Oatmeal Sandwich Cookies

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Similar Films: All Dogs Go to Heaven, Honey, I Blown Up the Kids, Dee Wallace Movies

The Revenant

The Revenant (2015) – Drama | Action

Directed by: Alejandro Gonzalez-Inarritu

Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hardy

How I Watched: Theater

Best Line: “It turns out Jesus is a squirrel. A big fat meaty one. And I shot and ate that son of a bitch.”

This film is a monument to brutality; an absolute monster that initiates its death march in the hunt to crush your being within the first few seconds. Emmanuel “Chivo” Lubezki‘s endless sweeping shots that we are all still coming to terms with (see Children of Men, Birdman, Gravity, shit, ANYTHING by Malick in the last 10 years) are at their most devastating and vicious throughout. You know that feeling when a day is coming to an end and you just want those last few minutes of light? That’s the feeling I got here and it lasted for a very intense 156 minutes.

The Revenant is important in so many ways, but I’d like to start with some testosterone-driven reasons. This is a god damn revenge flick. Straight up, blackened, hardcore revenge. This is also a survival movie. Those of you that saw the previews for this and pictured Rambo running through the forests of First Blood or Anthony Hopkins fooling that Kodiak in The Edge will not be disappointed. I know, because I loved The Revenant like those movies, as if I was lost in that great hopeless expanse with them.

Now, I’ve also heard some remarks concerning the pacing of this film. Listen, I get it. I happened to hear the same rumblings walking out of Inarritu‘s Birdman and definitely felt this way the first time I saw his epic, Babel. This is not as much movie though, as it is an experience. Experiences on the screen are meant to pick you up out of your seat and treat you as if you are part of the story. It usually is triggered at the beginning; a slow panning shot with no credits and no dialogue. Just the slow movement of the camera, welcoming you to join. If I see this at the beginning of a movie (There Will Be Blood, holy shit) I’m in, and I’m in for the long haul. The pacing is part of that experience, no matter how long Leo scuffles through the snow in silence.

I suppose I should discuss the acting. Both DiCaprio and Hardy are phenomenal in this. If you’re expecting to see some Titanic-y Leo or ripped-up Hardy, you’re going to be let down. They look more like extras that fell in the mud on Deadwood than they do Hollywood stars. This is all part of it though.

DiCaprio grabs the screen from the beginning and just puts it in his pocket. Never have I seen him more outstanding. I really felt like he was in pain and that his quest was driven by overwhelming hatred. Which brings me to his fellow nominee, Hardy. There’s a lot of us out there that get Tom Hardy. We just get it. Not Bane Hardy. No, I’m talking about the incredibly horrifying beast in Bronson and the quiet badass in Warrior. While he’s great in this, and it’s definitely top-5 Hardy, this is Leo’s film. Hardy is really just a great complement to the whole show.

Now onto the music. God damn, the absolutely batshit score in this movie is so nuts. It does a great job ramping up the action scenes and pressing on your chest during some of the more emotional scenes, but where it really shines is in the film’s quieter moments. It’s really not fair to describe it in words, but it really felt like Twin Peaks-era Angelo Badalamenti being rearranged by a classically-trained serial cannibal confined to an asylum. This is all part of the experience.

The Revenant is not for everyone. Between the lack of female performances, the sheer intensity that does not let up, and the pacing, it’s enough to keep a lot of people away. The only spoiler I’ll give you is in the form of this recommendation. When that first shot envelops the canvas in that theater and the music softly sweeps over the crawling shot of the bubbling mountain stream, jump in. Just let it take you. You won’t be sorry.

Final Score: 4/4

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Similar Films: The Edge, The Grey, First Blood

Kingsman: The Secret Service

Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014) – Action | Comedy

Directed by: Matthew Vaughn

Starring: Colin Firth and Taron Egerton

How I Watched: Amazon Instant Video | Blu-Ray

Best Line: “I’m a Catholic whore, currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black Jewish boyfriend who works at a military abortion clinic. So, hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon, madam.”

Director Matthew Vaughn seems to know exactly what an audience wants when they go to a movie. Whether it’s 2010’s Kick-Ass or the excellent X-Men: First Class, Vaughn consistently provides a funny and violent trip that is sure to satisfy even the most jaded film-goer. When the TV spots first dropped for this one, I had my doubts – a lot of them. But when I finally watched it last year after a glowing suggestion from a friend, I realized I should never have doubted it at all.

If you appreciate stylized hyperviolence in films as much as I do, this is a crowning achievement in that area. There are certain scenes in this movie that will make your jaw hit the floor. Just like Kick-Ass, the film does not shy away from exceptionally bloody wounds that are so insane, you can’t help but laugh. Sure, they’re absolutely computer generated wounds, but god damn, they’re ridiculous.

Speaking of which, the best scene in the movie takes place in a Southern Baptist Church. This is where The Kingsman separates itself from the rest of the Spy Movie crowd. It is so out of control and vicious that you can’t help but bust up laughing. Colin Firth goes full Rambo amid a moshpit of rabid Westboro Baptist-like psychos set to the wild solo section of Lynyrd Skynard’s “Free Bird.” It is honestly one of my favorite scenes in cinematic history and has to be seen to believed.

I can’t help but wonder what Hollywood would have done to this film had it not been so obviously British. It does not take the tamed approach to action films that Hollywood does and instead pours on great amounts of foul language and violence. Sure, a lot of it is bathed in a cockney slang that occasionally requires subtitles to translate, but that’s half the fun. Even Samuel L. Jackson has an accent in this. It’s not British, but it’s definitely a good time.

I think having a surround sound setup in a home theater is absolutely necessary to enjoy a movie like this. I know a lot of people out there don’t have one, but your experience will definitely benefit from it with this movie. A lot of the scenes feature some spinning camerawork and slow-motion choreography that is accompanied perfectly by the sound editing. Home theaters were made for films like this one.

One thing I can’t figure out is how McDonald’s managed to product-place itself so well in a couple scenes. This movie does not strike me as one that needs to do that like any Michael Bay ride, but there are a few instances that strangely pop up in The Kingsman. Don’t get me wrong, they use it in a way that is funny, but it is still extremely odd.

The acting in The Kingsman is great. With the main characters of Taron Egerton and Colin Firth accompanied by the likes of Samuel L. Jackson, Michael Caine and Mark Strong, the movie is in very good hands. And for those of you Star Wars freaks out there, there is even a Mark Hamill sighting. This one isn’t exactly going to pass the Bechdel Test, but hey, how many action movies do?

All you out there that have seen this, might (and probably will) be pleased to know that the sequel is in the works and is due to drop in 2017. With the likes of Channing Tatum, Julianne Moore and Halle Berry joining (as well as a rumored Colin Firth return), Kingsman: The Golden Circle should be just as fun as this one.

This one is really a great movie all around. The ending though, is perhaps one of the better payoffs I’ve seen in any film recently. There are quite literally fireworks used to end the story and it, like the church scene, is a laugher. By the way, any movie that manages to slip in some Bryan Ferry is going to win me over every time.

Final Score: 4/4

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Similar Films: Kick-Ass, The James Bond Series, John Wick

The Hallow

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The Hallow (2015) – Horror

Directed by: Corin Hardy

Starring: Joseph Mawle and Bojana Novakovic

How I Watched: Streamed on Netflix

Best Line: “Hallow be their name / And blest be their claim / If you who trespass put down roots / Then Hallow be your name.”

Every once in a while, a movie comes along that you’ve never heard of previously and bites the living hell out of you. This is one of those. Grasping onto its predecessors in the ‘shack in the woods’ genre, The Hallow knows what its job is right from the get-go. Never taking itself too seriously, but at the same time, avoiding any laughable moments, this flick will definitely get under your skin. There’s monsters, some paranormal weirdness and some really jumpy scares. So switch off the lights and turn it up loud.

There is a blast of immediate dread when the movie begins that seems to be lacking in a lot of horror movies lately. Very often, we get the slow burn for the first hour or so, that builds into a bloody, chaotic payoff that just manages to hold the film together. That’s not the case in The Hallow. We are introduced to the characters a lot like in The Shining as an automobile is seen looping through country roads on the way to its ominous destination. Without ruining anything, a married couple with a newborn is moving from London to the Irish countryside, where the father is tasked with preparing the forest for logging. This does not make the forest or inhabitants happy, and did I mention the couple has a newborn? Ok, that’s all I’ll tell you about the plot.

A lot like Sam Raimi’s Evil Dead series, there are a number of disgusting and squishy moments that made me recoil. When I say squishy and Evil Dead in the same sentence, you probably know what I mean; revolting sounds of flesh getting smashed and the gooey crunching of various parts in monster’s teeth. There’s a lot of that in this one. But unlike Sam Raimi’s series, it’s not very funny. At all, actually.

Now, a lot of people have problems with CGI in horror movies. I am one of those people, but I understand it in moderation. The Hallow does a great job of using it when they need to. At times, you can tell the CGI would probably look ridiculous, but the creators did a great job with the lighting so that the effects don’t take center stage. This by all means is a monster movie, so there were plenty of chances for the team that filmed this to screw it up.

Those of you frightened by the creatures in The Descent or some of the fairy tale monsters in Pan’s Labyrinth need to stay away from this one. The Hallow borrows from those films and turns it up to 11. There are some absolutely jarring jump scares in this and the things causing them are anything but pleasant. Watch out, too if you’re easily affected by eye injuries on film.

I think one aspect of the film that it could have improved upon was to further explore the mythology that is behind the menacing force out in those woods. It is briefly touched on as the small town’s unspoken folklore, but there was definite opportunity to make this story as chilling as something out of Lovecraft. There is even what seems to be a direct reference to the Necronomicon in one of the scenes, which again, is not focused on enough.

Really though, this was a great film. It’s vicious in pace, storytelling and bloodletting. It does a great job of building dread, but not for so long that you anticipate the next scare. The film knows right when to surprise you. If you have surround sound, you’re in for a treat as the sound editors did a wonderful job using the rear sound field to assist in the scares. The acting was pretty good, but if you have a difficult time with English and Irish accents, you might need to flip on those subtitles. So switch those lights off and enjoy tonight’s nightmares. This one will do everything to make you feel like you shouldn’t be in the dark.

Final Score: 3.5/4

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Similar Films: Evil Dead (all of them), Pan’s Labyrinth, The Descent

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