Welcome to Twin Sneaks! I started this column about a year ago, but stopped watching the show as I wanted to wait until the new Season 3 was closer. What I’m hoping to do here is recap all the episodes for you guys leading up to the new premiere on May 21st (EEEEEK!!) After that, I’ll continue to recap the new episodes for you, and have them ready to go every Monday or Tuesday! There will, of course, be SPOILERS in these recaps, so please stop reading (or don’t, I’m not you mom) and WATCH THE DAMN SHOW ON NETFLIX, YOU JERK!

Twin Peaks – Season One: Episodes 2-4

Recap by Nick Spanjer

 

Episode 2: Traces to Nowhere

Directed by Duwayne Dunham

Written by Mark Frost and David Lynch

The first episode after the Pilot gives us a nice feeling of The Great Northern as Cooper recites his notes for Diane while hanging upside down from the ceiling in his boxers. “The true test of any hotel, as you well know Diane, is that morning cup of coffee, which I’ll be getting back to you about in a half hour.” Cooper then has his first of many cups of coffee in The Great Northern. “You know, this is – excuse me – a damn fine cup of coffee.” High-schooler Audrey Horne creeps in and is immediately lovestruck with the Agent. He uncomfortably returns this affection while talking about freshly squeezed grapefruits. 

Cooper then arrives at the Sheriff station in which every employee has their mouths full of donuts, including Sheriff Truman, who manages to violently cram an entire bearclaw into his mouth all at once. We find out Laura’s death was between midnight and 4 AM, and she died of blood loss due a number of different “shallow wounds.” Doc Heyward also mentions that she’d had sex with at least three men in the last 12 hours of her life. 

We then cut to Leo Johnson’s semi-truck, that is of course named “Big Pussycat.” He’s vacuuming out the cab while smoking a cigarette when his wife, Shelly Johnson tells him she has to leave work. He throws his bag of laundry at her and demands that she do it before she leaves, not caring if she’s late for work. Their washing machine is outside on some half-ass porch and as she pours his clothes into the machine, she finds a denim shirt stained in blood. Back at the Sheriff station, Cooper is grilling James Hurley about his alibi the night of Laura’s murder. James details the last time the two saw each other on his bike at the light at Sparkwood and 21, and she just ran into the woods at about 12:30 AM. Cooper refers to Laura’s diary and asks what happened on February 5th. We flash back to one of James’ ultra-emo memories of February 5th, when Laura admitted she knew he loved her and gave him half of the necklace. Careful viewers will note the necklace actually reads “Best Friends,” and this is where we realize that James was in all actuality, hardcore friend-zoned by Laura.

Over at Leo’s house, he’s angrily tearing his truck apart looking for the bloody shirt like a deranged, ponytailed neanderthal. Mike and Bobby are still in jail and are discussing Leo wanting the rest of the money for a coke deal that was pulled off while Laura was still alive. Over at the Heywards’, Donna comes downstairs to her mom in her hockey jersey pajamas and chides her for not waking her up. They discuss Laura’s death and Donna basically mentions that she’s happy Laura is dead so she can now be with Hug Me James.

Norma Jennings and one-eyed Nadine Hurley stumble into each other awkwardly at the General Store. Nadine, though mentally affected, clearly has an idea that her husband is secretly seeing Norma while she aggressively rambles on about her drapes that Ed bought her. Nadine mentions her new silent drape-runner invention and the secret behind them: “Cotton BALLS. By god, those things will be quiet now.” Back at the station, James is released into Ed’s custody as Deputy Hawk and Ed give each other the ‘teardrop’ Bookhouse Boys signal. James mentions he’ll need a hand from the Bookhouse Boys.

Over at the Packard estate, Josie awakens to find Pete cleaning fish and she thanks him for standing up to his wife, Catherine the day previous. Cooper and Truman arrive to meet with Josie, as Pete pours them a cup of coffee. They each take a drink of coffee as Pete comes running into the room yelling about a fish in the percolator. Catherine calls to tell Josie that shutting down the mill caused nearly $90,000 in losses.

We cut over to a cheap motel where an unclothed Catherine Martell watches Ben Horne putting his clothes back on after their hour-long, secret and disgusting romp. It is revealed that they are collectively attempting to sabotage the mill in hopes of gaining the land it sits on for the Ghostwood development. They horrifically flirt while discussing burning down the mill and the scene thankfully ends before moving to a vomit-inducing level of revulsion. At the Palmer’s house, Leland is attempting to console his grieving wife and Donna shows up to talk. Sarah breaks into another frenzy of crying and hallucinates her daughter’s head on Donna’s shoulders in a glorious display of 1989 video effects awesomeness. As she grips her tight, she suddenly envisions Killer Bob at the foot of Laura’s bed and erupts into absolute delirium.

At the hospital, Deputy Hawk is questioning Ronette Pulaski’s flannel-clad parents about her whereabouts on the night of Ronette’s attack and Laura’s murder. They reveal that Ronette was a salesgirl at the Horne’s Department Store’s perfume counter. The one-armed man steps off the elevator and Hawk leaves the parents to follow. He sees him going to the morgue, but for some reason, just lets this happen and walks away. We cut to Audrey dancing by herself in her father’s office at The Great Northern. He walks in after his geriatric fuckathon, annoyed at the sight of this and turns off the music. We find that they clearly have a terrible relationship, as he rubs chap stick on and questions Audrey about her role in the Norwegians’ sudden departure. She admits to this happily, in which Ben returns a brutal confession of his disappointment in her. “Laura died two days ago. I lost you years ago.” Damn, son.

Over at Bobby’s parents’ house, they are discussing Bobby’s girlfriend’s murder over dinner. Garland Briggs attempts to console his son with a strange, militaristic textbook form of sympathy that feels like GI Joe reading Shakespeare. Bobby places a cigarette in his mouth which his father violently slaps out, harpooning the cigarette into his mother’s slice of meatloaf. Over at the Double-R Diner, Cooper and Truman visit Norma Jennings while enjoying coffee and cherry pie. Cooper notes The Log Lady’s presence and waves with no response. The Log Lady comes over suddenly and asks Cooper to speak to her log about the night Laura died. Cooper looks bewildered, which disgusts her, so she leaves in a huff.

Back at Chez Johnson, Leo is cutting into a football with a switchblade like a true fucking psycho would. Shelly gets home from the diner and he places a bar of soap in a sock. She cutely expresses that she brought him some pie (like he asked) and instead of saying thank you like a normal human being, he asks where his shirt is. “Where’s my shirt…my favorite blue shirt?” He slaps the pie (that he fucking asked for) out of her hand, as she plays dumb. He turns on the radio to some Badalamenti 50’s bebop and watches her recoil into the corner of their awful skeleton of a house, while he spins the soap sock in the air.

Finally, we return to the Heyward’s for a ridiculously uncomfortable dinner scene where Hug Me James is already being introduced to Donna’s parents. He’s wearing a spectacularly awful sweater that puts Seinfeld’s Puffy Shirt to absolute shame. He opts for fruit punch to drink (of course) as Doc Heyward awkwardly questions James’ background. Mike and Bobby roll up to the house and see that James’ bike is outside. They note that James has now moved in on both of their girlfriends. “Too bad we can only kill him once.” Over at Dr. Jacoby’s, he’s listening to one of the tapes he had Laura make him in his Hawaiian-themed office. He grabs a fake coconut off a decorative tree and opens it while listening to Laura’s crying voice through headphones. He grasps the other half of the necklace from the inside of the coconut and begins to cry.

 

Episode 3: Zen, or the Skill to Catch a Killer

Directed by David Lynch

Written by Mark Frost and David Lynch

The beginning of this episode is drenched in David Lynch awesomeness, as the Horne’s eat silently while the credits roll before Jerry Horne makes his grand appearance, urging Ben to try a baguette he got in Paris. Ben tells Jerry what he missed concerning Laura’s murder and the Norwegians leaving before signing the contracts. This depresses Jerry, so Ben lifts him up by telling him there’s a new girl at the whorehouse he runs, and that Jerry has a 50% chance of being the first to try her out. These girls are in high school, by the way. “All work and no play make Ben and Jerry dull boys.” Nice, David Lynch.

Back at the Heyward’s, Donna and Hug Me James are still finishing the most boring dinner on earth while he swims in his sweater. The parents go to bed and they prep the dullest whisper conversation ever. Ben and Jerry arrive at One Eyed Jack’s ready to bang out some high school girls dressed like a hallucinatory deck of cards in Alice in Wonderland. Ben wins the coin toss and gross. Back at the Heyward’s, it’s midnight and Donna and Hug Me James are whispering for 10 minutes about being together and then kiss and ugh, who gives a fuck.

Cooper walks into his room at The Great Northern and receives a call from Deputy Hawk about Ronette and the one-armed man he saw. He hangs up and sees a letter slide under his door that reads “Jack with One Eye.” He smells the letter, because he’s Dale Fucking Cooper and that’s fucking weird, then smiles creepily knowing who wrote it. Mike and Bobby drive into some dark woods and get some coke out of a stump where Leo is waiting in the dark for them with a shotgun. They argue about money for a bit, as Bobby is about $10,000 short for the drugs since Laura had it hidden in the safety deposit box then died. Leo tells Bobby that he knows Shelly is cheating on him then goes into full Leo Johnson nuthouse mode.

Over at Ed and Norma’s, Ed trips over the drape runner invention and spills grease on them while Norma shows off her superhuman strength and angrily bends some steel. At the Johnson’s, a face-bruised Shelly is watching the show that oddly mirrors the Twin Peaks storyline, Invitation to Love when Bobby comes in. He sees the bruises and says he’s going to kill Leo before they start making out. At the Double-R diner, Ed and Norma talk more about their shitty, depressing lives without each other in them.

In the woods, Cooper and the Sherriff’s department prep an odd deductive technique that Cooper learned from a dream, because why the fuck not? Lucy pours them coffee and Cooper yells “Damn good coffee! And hot!” Based on what he read in the diary, Cooper mentions they’re looking for someone with J in their name. He draws a way too perfect circle in chalk, which has always bothered me to my core, for some reason. Every time one of the J names are read, Cooper throws a rock at a bottle that’s 60 feet and 6 inches away until it smashes upon the reading of Leo Johnson’s name…because, you know, David Lynch.

Back at the diner, Audrey walks in, plugs the jukebox and dances up to the bar for some black coffee because she wants to fuck Agent Cooper, and that’s what he likes. Donna walks over to her, and Audrey asks if Laura ever mentioned her father, Ben. Then Audrey gets up and dances like she just smoked five joints and yeah, Lynch definitely directed this episode. In the Sheriff station, Albert Rosenfield shows up in all his glorious assholery. Cooper warns Truman about him then squeezes his nose, which I’m really hoping was improv, because it’s amazing. Albert talks mad shit about Twin Peaks in front of Truman, and the sheriff goes full John Wayne in response. “I hear that you’re real good at what you do. Well that’s good, because normally if a stranger walked into my station talking this kind of crap, he’d be looking for his teeth two blocks up on Queer Street.” Welcome to 1990.

Ed comes home from the Gas Farm and Nadine over-excitedly tells him that his grease caused her drape runners to be completely silent, driving her to think they’re going to be rich from the invention. Over at the Martell’s, Pete and Catherine are getting ready for bed, when he sneakily gives Josie Grossie a key to the safe downstairs so she can get the ledger for the mill. Catherine yells at Pete and tells him to go to his room in one of the stranger dialogue exchanges yet. Josie finds two ledgers in the safe; one fake and one real.

Over at the Palmer’s, Leland puts on a record (the strangely snappy ‘Pennsylvania 6-5000’), and begins spinning with a picture of his murdered daughter, while weeping and screaming aloud. The phone begins ringing and Sarah runs in, when he breaks the picture and slices his wife’s hand open on the broken glass. She begins screaming, and with the music and the phone ringing, it’s one of the most stressful scenes in this entire show.

This episode ends in one of my favorite scenes in the entire series. In a dream, Cooper finds himself in the “Red Room” where a dwarf is shivering in the corner. It’s revealed that the one-armed man is named Mike and there is an evil entity named Bob. Cooper is clearly aged in the dream and he notices that Laura Palmer is sitting across from him. The dwarf turns and in warped speech yells, “Let’s Rock.” The whole scene must be seen to be believed, but it truly is the scene that hooked me on Twin Peaks.

Cooper awakens from the dream, with one of the greatest bedhead scenes in cinematic history, and calls Truman to tell him he knows who killed Laura.

 

Episode 4: Rest in Pain

Directed by Tina Rathborne

Written by Harley Peyton

The next morning, Cooper-obsessed Audrey is waiting for Cooper, and they uncomfortably flirt while Cooper admits he knows she wrote the letter that was left under his door. They talk about One Eyed Jack’s and Laura’s connection before Truman and Lucy show up. He repeats the dream to the sheriff and Lucy, and mentions that the Mike and Bob in the dream have nothing to do with Mike and Bobby, our local high school badasses. He admits that the killer’s name was whispered in his ear by Dream Laura, but he forgot it by the time morning rolled around.

Over at the morgue, Doc Heyward is arguing with Agent Dickhead Rosenfield over Laura’s blue corpse, while Ben Horne for some reason is staring creepily into her dead face. Rosenfield calls Truman a hulking boob then gets punched by our mulleted sheriff. Leland is watching Invitation to Love while being plugged with some kind of tranquilizer. His niece Madeline (Maddy) then appears in the doorway, and she just happens to not only look like Laura, but it’s also the same actress, Sheryl Lee. At the diner, Norma is meeting with her incarcerated husband Hank’s lawyer about Hank getting out of prison.

Out at Leo Johnson’s, Cooper and Truman follow up on the bottle-breaking deductive result and find Leo chopping wood in half-buttoned overalls, because that’s what pony-tailed Leo Johnson wears, god dammit. Cooper questions him about the night of Laura’s murder and Leo gives a bunch of angrily hilarious one-word answers. At the Briggs’ house, Bobby and family are getting ready for Laura’s funeral. His father, Major Garland Briggs, in all his almost Shakespearean glory, does his best to console his son concerning Laura’s death. Seemingly coked-out Bobby exclaims he’s going to turn the funeral upside down in his father’s attempt at consolation.

At the station, Cooper and Truman receive Rosenfield’s autopsy results and find that she was high on cocaine when she was killed, that she was bound with two different kinds of twine, an animal pecked and scratched at her, and that there was plastic in her stomach. Albert attempts to get Cooper to sign a sheet saying he was assaulted, but Cooper refuses and it is this moment that you know Cooper has fallen in love with Twin Peaks. At Ed and Nadine’s, Ed stares at his wife’s decorations in the most loathing manner possible before Nadine depressingly admits how much she’s always loved him. Then Hug Me James comes moodily through the door and announces he’s not going to Laura’s funeral, honestly pouting out the following shit from below his giant forehead: “I can’t. I just can’t.” He then legitimately runs out the door and jumps on his bike and fucking christ, I can’t stand him.

Over at The Great Northern, Audrey suddenly has a 90’s-era Prince haircut and watches Dr. Jacoby through a peephole, taking her brother Johnny’s Native headdress off for the funeral. So here we go: The Motherfucking Funeral. It starts off fine, until Cooper notices Bobby staring at the approaching James, who just fucking said he wasn’t coming. Bobby does what he promised and begins yelling ‘Amen!,’ then lectures the whole crowd about letting Laura die. This gets James all worked up into an emo frenzy and the two go at each other in slow motion, again, for some damn reason that I can’t name. Leland begins to cry then collapses on the coffin as the hydraulic begins to malfunction and wife Sarah begins screaming. The whole scene is wonderfully out of control and really makes Twin Peaks, Twin Peaks.

Back at the RR, Shelly is joking about Leland falling on the coffin with two old dudes, while Cooper arrives to meet Truman, Hawk, and Ed for some pie. Truman reveals that someone is running coke into town from Canada and they want Cooper’s help without revealing it to the FBI. Truman tells Cooper that there’s something evil and strange in the woods surrounding the town. “There’s a sort of evil out there, something very, very strange in these old woods. Call it what you want – a darkness, a presence. It takes many forms, but it’s been out there for as long as anyone can remember, and we’ve always been here to fight it.” This is when it is revealed that there is a secret society called ‘The Bookhouse Boys’ that has watched over the town for generations. They introduce Cooper to the Bookhouse and find Bernard Renault tied up, being watched by the Bookhouse Boys.

Over at the Roadhouse, the disgusting blob of a human, and Bernard’s brother, Jacques arrives to find that there is a red light on the roof, taken as a warning to stay away from bartending that night. Upon seeing this, he calls Leo, who is using a switchblade to get mud out of his boots in his kitchen, because he lives in the world’s most disgusting turd of a house. Jacques tells Leo that he needs help with a border run, and him and his sweater leave the way too cute Shelly behind right after she got off work.

Out at the Martell’s, Truman is talking to Josie Grossie about Catherine and Ben wanting to hurt her. Catherine is listening to the boring conversation, while Josie reveals to Truman that one of the ledgers is now missing. Catherine places the other ledger in her secret desk in the bedroom and shit, I hate this dumb storyline. At Laura’s moonlit grave site, Cooper approaches Dr. Jacoby who is delivering flowers to the recently deceased. Jacoby admits to Cooper that Laura meant way more to him than she should have as a high school girl, then we unfortunately return to Truman and Josie Grossie, where they whisper about Ben and Catherine’s conspiracy against her. Then they make out for like 15 minutes.

At The Great Northern, Cooper and Hawk discuss the Native thoughts on the duality of souls, while off-his-rocker Leland stands in the middle of  the dance floor, eyes closed. A swing number kicks on and he desperately asks around for a dance partner. Cooper and Hawk look on concerned before coming to his aid and taking him home.

I know I said I’d have the remainder of Season One in one recap, but it’s simply too much awesome to pack into one post! Come back this Friday, 4/14 for the rest of Season One!

Welcome to Twin Sneaks! I started this column about a year ago, but stopped watching the show as I wanted to wait until the new Season 3 was closer. What I’m hoping to do here is recap all the episodes for you guys leading up to the new premiere on May 21st (EEEEEK!!) After that, I’ll continue to recap the new episodes for you, and have them ready to go every Monday or Tuesday! There will, of course, be SPOILERS in these recaps, so please stop reading (or don’t, I’m not you mom) and WATCH THE DAMN SHOW ON NETFLIX, YOU JERK!

Twin Peaks – Pilot

Directed by: David Lynch

Written by: David Lynch and Mark Frost

Recap by Nick Spanjer

Because the Pilot is so damn long (a little more than twice as long as most of the episodes), this recap was originally split into two parts. So forgive the length, but I feel like it covers the episode pretty well. Also, don’t watch the International Version of the Pilot (included in both the excellent DVD Gold Box and beautiful Blu-Ray set; the Pilot included on Netflix is this version I’m recapping) unless you’ve seen the whole series. Lynch and Co. didn’t know if the show would be picked up and gave away some key pieces of the story at the end.

I hate the way Twin Peaks begins. Not the slow, painful reveal of Laura Palmer’s unfortunate demise or the grueling realization of her death by her parents. No, the worst part of how Twin Peaks begins is the ultimate foreshadowing of a wasted storyline that I’ve come to rank right above the James/Evelyn Marsh melodrama: Josie Packard. The camera zooms in on her, staring longingly into a mirror with that “I’m taking a shit” face she always has on.

I’m going to be talking quite a bit about things that annoy me in Twin Peaks. Face it, drawn out storylines and particular characters or plot holes got to you too. If you’re reading this and you haven’t seen the show, I’d advise you to do so now. Stop reading and fire up Netflix, or buy the amazingly beautiful Blu-Ray set. It’s all right there at your fingertips. Then come back. This whole thing is going to take me a while anyway. Now back to the Pilot. Where were we?

Oh yeah. So, now that Josie is out of the way, let’s move on. Laura Palmer’s dead body is lying face down on a rocky beach outside Pete and Catherine Martell’s house. Pete’s call to the Twin Peaks Sheriff station is perhaps one of the most iconic scenes from the show as he announces shakily that Laura is, “…dead. Wrapped in plastic.” The sheriff arrives with deputy Andy Brennan and Doc Heyward, and Andy cries for the first time…in the show.

Over at The Great Northern Hotel, we get our first peek at the insane Audrey Horne and her father, Ben – owner of the hotel and local Donald Trump. We’re introduced to him as he spits a horrifyingly productive shot of mucus into the fireplace while talking Ghostwood illegalities with his lawyer (and Laura’s father), Leland Palmer. They take their speech into the conference room with the “cheese eaters” concerning the Ghostwood development, when Leland is called away for a phone call to his wife. They do their best to pinpoint Laura’s location until Sheriff Truman arrives at the hotel to give Leland the bad news. Then Sarah erupts into a gloriously crazy puddle of sobs and screams (one of many to come).

Onto the Double-R Diner. We are first introduced to Badass Bobby Briggs and his secret girlfriend and waitress, Shelly Johnson as they hurl a thinly-veiled blowjob joke at immigrant waitress, Heidi. Double-R owner, Norma Jennings watches them leave as leatherclad Bobby plugs the jukebox with some 50’s jam constructed by the amazing Angelo Badalamenti. A cop-car whizzes by the forbidden romantics in the other direction as they take ungodly 8 AM rips from a flask on the way to Shelly’s. “It’s happy hour in France.” This is when we find out that Shelly is married to another dude, as Bobby slams on his brakes when he sees Leo Johnson’s semi truck.

At the hospital, Leland arrives to identify his daughter’s body. He bawls at the sight of her blue-black face and is helped away by Sheriff Truman. Back to the high school now, where the previously mentioned Audrey Horne is slipping out of her flats and putting on red heels at her locker while smoking. The insufferable Donna Heyward laughs at the sight of this and James Hurley arrives, looking like that kid that no one talked to in ninth grade, to tell her “Nice day for a picnic,” with his shit-eating grin. Big ups to David Lynch by the way, for filming the kid that slams his locker, spins and arm-roll dances himself down the hallway.

Bobby finally arrives to school where he’s summoned to the principal’s office while talking to Badass Part Deux, Mike Nelson. A cop arrives in the homeroom where Donna, James and Audrey are sitting, and makes an over-dramatic mess of things, asking if Bobby is in the class and pulling the teacher away. A girl runs screaming through the school’s courtyard and Laura’s best friend Donna looks at Laura’s empty desk. James realizes this at the same time and breaks his pencil with veins popping out of his fivehead. Donna ugly-cries for the first time and jesus christ, a lot of people have cried so far.

Bobby is interviewed by Deputies Andy and Hawk in the library because he was her kind of boyfriend, and West Side Story-snaps in defiance at their questions. Sheriff Truman arrives in all his hatless, permed glory and asks the principal to tell the school about their dead classmate. Truman tells Bobby that Laura is dead and that he’s a suspect, so he will be placed under arrest. Bobby proceeds to profess his seemingly angry love for Laura as he tries to worm his way out of custody.

David Lynch goes all Kubrick with the Shining-like tracking shot down the high school’s hallway as the principal announces Laura’s death to the school. Donna ugly cries some more while James stares at her with rapist-like intensity. We then return to the Palmer household to see Sarah frantically moan and wail. Truman asks her about Laura and the last time she saw her, while Deputy Hawk and Leland look through Laura’s things in her bedroom. Hawk asks Leland where the key is to Laura’s diary then places the diary in a box, and Leland asks if he really needs to keep it. Deputy Andy tells Truman that another girl, Ronette Pulaski is missing as well.

We cut to the sawmill to see Pete singing about 2×4’s and 4×8’s along to the din of Catherine screaming at useless Josie for deciding to close the mill for the day. “Peter, push the plug.” Josie gives a speech that Evita would call too dramatic and shuts the mill down. What better time to cut to the violently molested, zombie-like Ronette crossing a trestle then? We’ll leave that for a second as James “I Need a Hug” Hurley parks his hog at his Uncle, Big Ed Hurley’s Gas Farm. He tells Ed that Laura is dead, confessing to his uncle that “she was the one.” Ed just doesn’t get it, so James gives him a note to give to Donna then rides off angrily onto the rainy highway. Eye-patched Nadine Hurley yells at Ed to get drapes from across the street and Ed gets in his truck immediately, seemingly leaving the gas farm unattended.

Finally, we get our first sight of FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper descending the tree-lined highway into Twin Peaks as he rambles into his tape recorder at the series-long unseen Diane. We learn Twin Peaks’ approximate location in Washington state as he notes it is five miles south of Canada, 12 miles west of the Idaho state line. He goes on about trees for a while then randomly spits facts about his day. Cooper and Truman meet at the hospital and go over some jurisdiction issues which Truman has no problem with. Cooper then starts in with the trees again. “Sheriff? What kind of fantastic trees have you got growing around here? Big, majestic…”

Cooper and Truman go to Ronette Pulaski’s comatose bedside to find she was raped several times and Cooper immediately assumes there is a connection between her and Laura Palmer. He tells the doctor that he’d like to examine her fingers (which is the craziest thing someone could possibly say) and as he looks at them with a magnifying glass, Ronette begins to moan “Don’t go there.” Cooper and Truman watch a one-armed man get out of the elevator in time to see Dr. Jacoby yelling to a receptionist about a giant fish he caught that started talking to him. At the sight of the law enforcement, Jacoby tries to stop the elevator before it closes but can’t, so he runs down the fire exit to meet them. He’s donning ear plugs and introduces himself to Cooper, asking if he can go to the morgue to look at Laura with them. He confesses that Laura’s parents didn’t know she was seeing him as a patient, while horrifyingly fingering under the skirt of a hula girl on his tie.

In the morgue, Cooper begins searching Laura’s fingers for evidence under the flashing fluorescent lights. In glorious improvisational awesomeness, Cooper asks the attending morgue guy to leave, to which morgue guy replies, “Jim.” Cooper reiterates, “Will you leave us alone, please?,” and the actor playing Jim finally gets it. Props for leaving that in, DL. Cooper disgustingly jams tweezers down in between Laura’s dead fingernail and retrieves the paper letter R. With this, Cooper realizes that Laura’s death may be the work of a serial killer that he is familiar with.

Back at Big Ed’s, Donna approaches Ed and gets the note from James asking her to meet him at the Roadhouse after 9:30. Badass Part Deux, Mike rolls up in all his abusive boyfriendliness, screaming at girlfriend Donna for not being with him because Bobby is in a lot of trouble. “He’s my best friend, you’re supposed to be with me, Donna.” He makes some threats to Ed, then peels away to be with his boyfriend Bobby at the sheriff’s. Nadine yells across the street again at Ed about the drapes then slams the screen door.

Back at the sheriff’s station, Cooper and Truman break open Laura’s diary. Cooper flips through and finds the last entry. She writes, “Nervous about meeting J, tonight.” which Cooper notes to Diane. He flips back a few pages and finds a safety deposit key taped to a page with some white, powdery substance on it. Turns out our murdered high school beauty queen may have been a cokehead. Truman doubts that it’s cocaine and tells Cooper he didn’t know Laura. Cooper moves on with the evidence and notes the small box of chocolate bunnies he’s holding.

The second half of the Pilot begins ominously, as the camera drifts across a clouded mountain landscape and onto an abandoned train car. Deputy Andy calls Lucy at the sheriff’s station to report the location of the murder. He’s crying, of course, and asks her not to tell the sheriff about this. In a back office of the station, Cooper and Truman interview Bobby with his lawyer present about Laura’s death. Bobby gets defensive and yells at Cooper which he in turn, laughs off as he shows Bobby a video of Laura and Donna dancing at that picnic James so cleverly made reference to. Cooper reveals to Bobby that someone with the first initial J is involved and Bobby sees something at the end of the video, making a realization that isn’t revealed for a while.

After Cooper asks Truman to let Bobby out of jail, we return to The Great Northern where Audrey Horne pokes a hole in a cup of coffee like a 5-year old all over the concierge’s desk. Audrey sighs and poses in the corner of the room where the prospective Ghostwood Norwegians are going over the contracts. She tells them against hotel advisement that her “friend” Laura was found face down on a rocky beach, completely naked and murdered. Goofy music plays over this as she sighs again and pretends to cry.

Bobby is released into custody of his parents where Badass Part Deux, Mike is waiting for him. Bobby asks Mike if he “straightened” Donna out yet and that they need to look for some biker named J for fooling around with both Donna and Laura. Lucy Moran, receptionist at the sheriff’s office, is meanwhile typing out their whole conversation that she overhears. Bobby’s dad tells him that he there’s for him to which Bobby replies, “I don’t need a damn sympathetic anything.” Cooper grills Donna about the video, asking who is filming the picnic. She ugly cries again as Lucy comes in to show Cooper what she typed. Cooper reveals he knew they were looking for a biker as he pauses the video in a closeup of Laura’s eye. “Looks like a hog to me.” Cut to Hug Me James who is fondling a necklace on a depressing mountaintop, looking like someone stole his juicebox.

Back at The Great Northern, the Norwegians are leaving the hotel in a hurry at the news of the murder, much to the sadistic delight of Audrey. Her father, Ben is clearly angry which makes Audrey giggle. She truly is one of the best characters in the show. We join Cooper and Truman at the abandoned train car as they shine their lights on a massacre, gore up and down the walls, and a bloodied hammer on the floor. Upon a mound of dirt sits a necklace; half a heart connected to a gold chain with a piece of paper below it. Written in blood are the words, FIRE WALK WITH ME.

We then cut back to James’ lonely mountaintop of isolation where he continues to fondle the necklace that is revealed to be the other half. The beautiful Snoqualmie Falls finally makes an appearance below “The Great Northern” as the Horne’s mentally challenged son Johnny bangs his head against a dollhouse, much to the chagrin of his impatient mother. Johnny is upset because Laura helped him in the afternoons. Cooper and Truman head to the bank for the safety deposit box that belongs to the key in Laura’s diary. They open the box on the table where a mounted deer head has fallen and find pornographic magazine Flesh World, along with a stack of over $10,000. Cooper excitedly opens Flesh World to a marked page, finding a circled Ronette Pulaski escort ad. The camera pans over to a pixelated picture of Leo Johnson’s semi and now the real fun begins.

Inside Leo Johnson’s unfinished shanty of a house, he’s drinking a beer on the couch, fingering through the disgusting ashtray of smoked cigarette butts when he realizes something is amiss. He demands  wife Shelly turn the TV off and quizzes her on the type of cigarettes that she smokes. “There’s two things, Shelly. When I come home, this house should be clean. And I mean clean. Number two, you smoke one brand of cigarettes from now on because if I ever see you with different brands of cigarettes in this house again, I’m going to snap your neck like a twig.” He takes a swig of beer like he’s never taken one in his life and stares down Shelly, and it’s so gloriously ridiculous that you can’t help but laugh.

Over at Big Ed’s, Ed receives a call from a shaken Double-R owner, Norma, where they arrange a night-time meeting at the Roadhouse. Ed looks out the window after he hangs up to see his obsessive, one-eyed wife sliding her new drapes open and shut. Over at the town hall, we get to see Cooper ask about local rabbit populations while Josie walks in and Truman says “That is one of the most beautiful women in the state.” Yeah, ok. It’s revealed that she married into the ownership of the mill before her husband Andrew Packard died in a boating accident. It’s also revealed that Ben Horne is after the Packard land for the Ghostwood development, which annoyingly, becomes one of the biggest storylines in the show.

As the ancient Mayor Milford gavels for attention, the Log Lady makes her first appearance, flipping the lights on and off in the hall. “Who’s the lady with the log? Oh, we call her the Log Lady.” Cooper introduces himself to the hall and proclaims that Laura’s murder may be connected to another murder. He warns against a witch hunt and places a curfew on those under 18. A streetlight turns from green to red in the wind as we move to the Heyward’s house, where Doc Heyward is attempting to comfort his wheelchair-bound wife in the living room (Zooey Deschanel’s mom, BTW). Donna overhears that the police think the killer has the other half of the heart necklace and attempts to escape out the window. Her annoying sister asks for poetry tips as she jumps out the bedroom window to meet up with James at the Roadhouse.

Mike and Bobby drunkenly arrive at the Heyward’s with the intention of picking up Donna. Doc Heyward runs upstairs and grills Donna’s younger sister about Donna’s whereabouts while Bobby pretends to surf on top of his car. Doc Heyward inexplicably asks her abusive boyfriend to go find her to which Mike basically says, “Oh I’ll find her, and when I do…” Cooper and Truman are meanwhile, staking out the Roadhouse when they receive a call from Doc Heyward about the missing Donna.

We finally arrive to the penultimate Roadhouse. Julee Cruise and her band sway through the theme song as Ed and Norma talk about their shitty lives. Cooper is whittling when Mike and Bobby show up to the Roadhouse. The club is full of bikers and some of them make note of Mike and Bobby’s sudden appearance. Donna arrives on a child’s bicycle and when she walks in, is immediately verbally berated by her boyfriend and Badass Part Deux, Mike. The bikers and Ed intervene and a brawl breaks out. “Lights out, Mr. Monkeywrench!” One of the bikers gets Donna out and Cooper and Truman follow “from a discrete distance.” Mike and Bobby get clobbered by the multitudes of bikers and more police arrive.

Joey the biker manages to elude Cooper and Truman, and drops Donna off with James in some emo part of the woods. James reveals to Donna that Bobby killed someone, according to Laura, and he thinks that Laura was killed for some reason involving drugs. They begin to ugly cry together for the first time of many, and after making out for way too long, decide to bury his half of the necklace under some fucking rock for some reason. Cooper and Truman see James and Donna ride by and pull James over. Truman brings James in and releases Donna to Doc Heyward. James is placed in a jail cell across from Mike and Bobby where they stare at each other lovingly.

Doc Heyward accepts his daughter’s apology as grief for her best friend’s loss. Cooper and Truman walk into a break room loaded with an insane amount donuts and coffee at the sheriff’s office. Cooper asks for some modest lodging and Truman tells him that he’ll get him a great rate at The Great Northern. Mike and Bobby start barking and screaming at James in the jail in one of the more insane scenes in the Pilot.

Finally, we come upon the Martell’s place where Truman makes out with Josie Grossie. Catherine sees this and tells Ben Horne on the telephone. Truman and Josie grip each other in soap operatic style, staring out at the lake. We get another shot of the stoplight in the wind then return to the Palmer household. Sarah “sees” a gloved hand picking up the rock in the woods which sits atop the necklace and begins to scream, while Bob makes his first appearance, hovering over her (the crew member that accidentally would come to play Bob, because David Lynch is a nut) in a mirror.

Best Quotes:

• “She’s dead. Wrapped in plastic.” – Pete Martell
• “If you’ll permit me, Sven, to repeat what you told me this morning after your run: “My air sacks have never felt so good.”” – Ben Horne
• “Diane, I’m holding in my hand a small box of chocolate bunnies.” – FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper
• “The Norwegians are leaving! THE NORWEGIANS ARE LEAVING!.” – Hotel Concierge
• “There’s over $10,000 here. That’s a lot of Girl Scout Cookies.” – Special Agent Dale Cooper
• “Don’t take any oink-oink off that pretty pig.” – Bobby Briggs

Come back next Friday 4/14, where I’ll be recapping (in much less detail) the remainder of Season One!